Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Two thousand and nine

I don't think anybody understands how excited I was for tonight, or understand how pissed off I am right now. Right now, I could be at one of the parties. Right now I could be at the rave with Bryant and EP. Right now I could be with Stephanie for the last time this break before she leaves for Portland. And right now I could be starting off the new year, having fun.

But my rides don't have their cars.
And parents aren't letting them go out.
And sneaking out isn't possible with out a ride.
And things would be so much easier if I had my car.
I went downtown and bought new clothes for tonight. And my dad took me to the bank so I had money for tonight. And in a couple hours I'm gonna be getting texts messages asking where I am, or what I'm doing. And in the next couple days I'll see all the pictures of everyone else having fun.

But when 12:00 comes around, I'm here by myself.
So I guess my resolution for 2009 is to relive all of the nights that I've been stuck at home because of how far away from the city I am. My goal for 2009 is to never have these quiet nights. I'm not a homebody. I never have been.

Not even my dad's awake. The house is dead silent and I hear fireworks outside. I'm going to make sure I never feel this low again while everyone else is out having the time of their lives.

This is embarrassing.

Happy new years.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I understand completely how I could be bothering people right now.
And I'm sorry, I guess.

I am completely fallen for her. And I am so happy.
I guess it's understandable that you were mad that I left with her to go see a movie when I had already made plans with you, and we haven't hung out all break. And then you left. And then you came back, and I started talking on the phone with her. And I know that's a little ridiculous. And I guess it's understandable. But also realize I put up with it too. I walk in on you and him making out. I put up with hanging out with him when I really don't care to hang out with him. And realize you are one of my best friends and if anything, you should be happy for me. And I'm pretty sure, at one point, you were like this too.

But to switch to another person, thanks Bryant.
You never got frustrated with me and EP for talking to our girlfriends all night and constantly asking you if we could sneak out to get them. And you didn't get mad when we left for the movies. You never really get mad at me when you have reasons to most of the time. Last night was fun. A lot of fun.

I have really good friends.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

All the commotion, has people talking, talking

I had a goodnight.
And I'm really excited for tomorrow.
And tomorrow night.

And I love you stephanie.

Tonight I saw Yes Man. It was good. I liked it.

I'm stressed out right now.
And see, this is what worries me.
I'm so annoying. I've been sending multiple texts, and since I haven't gotten a reply in an hour, I'm worried somethings wrong. Or I'm worried I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to be so clingy. But in reality, I am really clingy. And I worry too much.

I'm glad I got out of my house today. But when I get out, I really just need to stay out, because this is how I get when I get home. I start to complain. And I really hate complainers. Why am I being such a downer lately? Someone please answer that for me.

Well no more. I have everything. I have so many reasons to be happy.
One excellent thing is happening after another.
And I love it.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Get me out of here

I'm so sick of being in this house.
I'm mad that Stephanies going to Portland for the rest of break.
I never like the day after christmas. When everything goes back to normal.
I'm annoyed that Avieta never replied to my text about me going over.
I've been wanting to hang out with Bryant but never have a ride.
And I want Cammisha to come back from California so I can talk with her.

I hate ever being alone. Because that's when I start to think. And when I start to think, I think a lot. About everything. I'm really getting tired of winter and being stuck at home. Today I'm looking through the pictures on my old computer, and listening to my old playlists on iTunes, which something I really shouldn't do. Up to now, I have been fine with the fact that Caitlin, Ramsey, Chelsea and I aren't friends anymore, or at least I convinced myself that I was fine with it. But when I listen to these songs that I've been trying not to listen to for a while now, I go right back to square one. I go right back to complaining about what I screwed up. Or what was messed up on its own. Or whatever. I guess once things are done, they really are supposed to be done. That's why it happened. That's why it ended.

But I think about that day at Alten Baker Park when we all went down by the river and put our feet in the water, and stayed there for a long time and talked. And then I remember the time when we were all running around Gilham Elementry with Caitlins family playing night time hide and seek. I miss the summer. The heat. The good times. And mostly, them.

Just because I know how to keep moving on, doesn't mean I know how to forget. And yeah, I repeat myself on here a lot, but I guess that's because that's what my life is. A bunch of repetition. History repeating itself over and over.

And it's getting old.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Don't think, Just figure it out

Let me just say that this song is genius:

Merry Christmas

After all, everything is fine.
In the end, I'm okay.
And ultimately, Family is what keeps me alive.

This Christmas was different than most of them. For once it didn't feel like the typical routine we usually do on Christmas. I love the way we've always done it, but changing it up and adding some new things was nice.

I like having my step brother Dustin being at the house. Just because I like the feeling of having other siblings in the house once again. Jared's okay. He complains, and yells, and demands a lot of things from Susan.. But when you actually talk with him, and spend time with him when he's calm, he's just alright. I loved hanging out with them and Susan. For once it wasn't awkward. For once I actually felt like they were my family, instead of two people just living in my house. I loved how Susan would try to relate to our jokes she didn't understand.

I love how funny things were this Christmas.
My dad's hilarious when he doesn't even try to be. I couldn't stop laughing at the fact that he was tracking Santa online. And while we were all sitting in the living room you'd hear him yell things out like, "He's in Japan right now!"

At one point when we were all in the basement, he came downstairs and really wanted to play Christmas music, so he turns on the CD shuffler. He picked CD slot 3, and apparently there was already a CD in slot 3. He pressed play and heavy metal music started blasting on the surround sound. And he had such a confused look on his face. And he didn't know how to turn it off.

"This is the music the Fitzgerald's play while opening presents"

We have all these stories, and these grudges, and these hauntings hidden inside of every single member of our family. And we aren't anything close to functional. But right now, none of it matters. Right now, I love all of them more than anyone else in my life. Right now I'm laying in my room on my bed with my brand new laptop, and I hear Matthew and David laughing downstairs while watching the Family Guy DVDs we got, and Susan and Dad doing the dishes in the kitchen, and the house is so clean and smells like cookies. And I'm thinking it doesn't get much better than this. This is the life. This is really all I need.

I wish I never said my dad doesn't do enough for me.
And I wish my mom had us there so Christmas wasn't so lonely.
Let me just say this for the record, that I really do love my dad, and everyone in my family. No matter what I say in the future, no matter what I've said in the past.

Family Comes First.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I feel more like a stranger each time I come home

I really just need to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset.
I don't think I've ever hurt my dad as much as I did tonight.

"At least your brothers try and communicate with me, and try to get along with me"
"Dad, David never talks to you. And Matthew only comes around when he wants food, or money"

It's fucked up. But it's true. And after I said that it was silent.
Maybe everything you said before you dropped me off was true. Everything every ones saying about me, I'm starting to believe. Maybe I only do care about myself. Yeah, maybe I do try to live a life that I can't have. Maybe in the end, I really just don't give a damn about anyone around me. But before you said any of that, I never thought that. I love everyone. I really do. But I guess I don't show it. I love my dad. But for the last four years of my life I've enjoyed hurting his feelings. And that itself makes me feel like I'm not real. Once again, I question if I even have real feelings. I think.. Wow. What have I become? I think, wow.. I'm a sick person. But when I'm around nobody, I think so differently. I think, "I love everyone. I love myself." So why can't I show it? Why do I have to be so terrible?

It just got worse when he picked me back up again from Avietas house. He wouldn't even look at me. He told me to take back whatever presents I got for him. He kept hinting at the fact that he hates me.

"I hate what you've become"
"I do too"
"I hate being around you. You're a terrible person. You only care about yourself."
"Just say it dad. You hate me?"
"I do. I hate you."

He told me he wants me in Idaho with my mom.
And he told me to not call him dad anymore.
Just hearing those two things makes me hate myself. And makes me more depressed than ever.

I always think back on this one day with my dad. I remember it so clearly. It was at my old house, and we were in the hotub, and he was asking about my new friend Erin. I was in 6th grade. I told him Erin doesn't have many friends, and most people make fun of me for hanging out with her. And he goes, "But you still do hang out with her.. That's great.." At that time I didn't really think anything of it. And then he goes, "You're a great person, Michael. You really are." I remembered that from then on. I kept that thought in the back of my head. And I hope I never forget it. Because it's nice to think for one part of my life, at one time, my dad actually loved me.

That car ride changed so much for me.
I couldn't control my shaking as he yelled at me.
As his driving became more aggressive.
As the radio played, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Not anymore.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Make a name off me

I went around town with my brother today. While we were coming past dairy queen he told me to look at the car next to us, and there was your friends, flipping me off. I couldn't do anything but laugh. But it really did piss me off. It made me feel sick. Their car stayed caught up with us for a while, but he told me to keep looking forward. He told me to not even look out the corner of my eye. Told me to not let it get to my head, and not let it phase me.

No cars in front of us go fast enough. We started to speed up, turned up the music, and laughed it off. And just like that, I was already over it.

I'm still feeling pretty unstoppable.
Keep trying.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Let me just give you one huge thank you.

Everyone always says the only time you're truely your "real self" is when you're by yourself. That's not true. The time I'm actually myself is when I hang out with you. And you're the reason I've never lost that part of me.

Thank you.
There's been a lot of days where I've had a lot of plans, and canceled them to hang out with you just because with you it's always guaranteed to be fun. We don't even have to anything to stay entertained and I love that. I love how we create so many traditions with out even trying.

Thank you for coming over and playing mancala with me and talking. Thank you for all the amazing music you've introduced me to. Thank you for helping me face so many things, like how I feel about my mom moving. Thank you for never complaining about how many pictures I take. For dealing with my music that you hate. For reading every single post that I write on here, and telling me to post when I haven't for a while. For coming on all of our family trips. For staying my friend since preschool. For telling me your honest opinions about my friends that you don't like. For making fun of me when I deserve to be made fun of. For making things awkward, to make things funny. For embarrasing yourself to humor me. For loving all the movies I love. For making me feel at home, wherever we go. For sticking with me through my arregant, selfish, and stubborn ways. For explaining things for me when you know I'm too lazy to explain them. For our walks downtown in the winter. For replying to my thousands of random text messages. For rebelling with me, and letting me rebel. And for watching me go through a million different phases and staying caught up with me.

You've changed my life completely, And I realize it more and more everyday.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

After some time, It's something I find true

I know it's a bit of an intense comparison but love is like a drug. And when it's taken away from you it's hard as hell. I love you so much. I've watched love make people happier than ever, I've seen people give up everything they have for it, and then I watched love destroy them. It really can. It becomes everything, and it takes over you. It consumes you.

I guess that's why I'm so scared.
Because you make me so happy, and if I did lose you, I'd lose a lot of myself.

I get a terrible anxious feeling when I don't talk to you a lot during the day and when I haven't seen you in a while. And I can't imagine completely having to let go of you. I don't know why I'm thinking like this. I shouldn't be.

I'm tired of people saying that I don't really love you.
And people saying I'm not reading my feelings correctly. That what I'm feeling isn't real.

Up to now, I was single for about 2 years. And over those two years I watched my friends in relationships and didn't understand. I didn't understand how people could have such a strong dependence on another human being. I also didn't understand why I didn't accept love. With you, I do. I understand it all. I was waiting for someone right for me, someone that could make me feel real. Someone to prove to me that I actually do have real feelings. You've done that.

I guess you can't really enjoy love if you constantly fear you're going to lose it. So I won't. Or at least, I'll try my hardest not to. Right now I have you, and you have me, and that's all that matters.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I miss our family road trips

A lot

I found these pictures. The ones of Mattew, David, and my Dad jumping into crater lake. We used to have so much fun together. We knew how to find adventure together, as a family. We didn't need anyone else.

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And I just wanna go back

Friday, December 12, 2008

What's going on?

Yesterday I almost had my dad come pick me up in the middle of hanging out with everybody. Not because I had a reason to come home, but because I just didn't want to be out. I texted him and said, "Can you come get me?" I was too cold to walk around town. But that's not a good excuse. Until I get my car in January, I really don't like walking around town when it's so cold out. Luckily, my dad texted back and said, "No not right now"

I say "luckily" because it actually ended up being a really good day.
What would I of done at home? Nothing. And now, I'm doing it all over again. About 4 people have asked me to hang out today and I'm sort of wanting to stay home. I guess I just don't like not having a plan for the day.

Oh well..
Going out..

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I'm tired.
I'm uninspired.

I'm doing terrible in school again.

I'm really trying to care, or even pretend that I care. But I don't.
It's like I can't even get it through to myself.
I can't even make myself try harder.

My teachers, my family, everyone is telling me I can do better. And yeah, I can. I'm cappible of getting straight A's if I wanted to. It's really not hard for me. I just.. don't apply myself?

Will I ever stop?
Or should I say.. will I ever start?

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Monday, December 8, 2008

I have everything

I don't like my last post.
I take it all back. The negative side of me that worries too much is annoying.

Being able to call you mine is the greatest feeling ever. Saturday night was perfect. You make me so happy. Nothing matters at all when I'm with you. My dad could of easily found out that I snuck you into the house that night, but if he would of, I really wouldn't of cared. I'm so happy that nobody can bring me down, no matter how hard they try. I loved just laying there with you until 4:00 in the morning. Waking you up and telling you that you needed to get home.. hardest thing ever! I really could of just stayed there for hours. I'm so comfortable with you. You're different than any other girl I've liked. Everything about you is perfect.

I can't even put it into words.

I love you Steph.

Friday, December 5, 2008

All the playful misspellings

So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is.. But we can't talk about it now."
No we can't talk about it now.

I hate the fact that I'm starting to tell myself "Don't expect a call"
Because I'm getting use to you not being able to call.
And telling myself "Don't expect to see her this weekend"
Since you usually can't leave your house..

I know it's not your fault.

All I can say, is you've made me into the most patient person I've ever been.
But at the same time you've taught me waiting for things is hard as hell.

All of a sudden, I'm starting to wonder what we have.

Please Please Please

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come on.. really?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I'd like to say I'm sorry

I don't pay enough attention to the good things what I've got them

Tonight I went and looked through a lot of my old messages in my inbox on MySpace. There was so many messages on there from people that I don't talk to anymore. A lot of conversations I don't even remember having.

I noticed there would be a couple pages of the same few people. They would message me a lot, and reply to bulletins, and I could tell by my replies that I didn't really care to keep the conversation going with them. And then on the next page, there they were again. Messaging me again. A lot of them were people that I would really like to talk to today. People I would like to converse with again. And it's funny because now, they don't even pay attention to me. At least, I don't think they do.

And then there would be messages from people who were more than just acquaintances that would reply on MySpace.. But people that actually really cared about me. Some would be messages out of no where just telling me that they loved me, or telling me how much they missed me, and my replies were so.. casual. They would ask to hang out, and I would say, "Yeah! We will soon!" But a couple pages later, "We never hung out!"

It's really true..

It's ironic... We ignore those who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.
We hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us.

Sunday, November 30, 2008


I'm ready.
This time I know what I'm doing.
This time I know what I can, and can't do.
And this time, I really mean it.

It's time for a break through.

I'm ready to show what I'm capible of. And I'm ready to prove to everyone what I can do. I'm ready to prove that I've been underestimated.

I'm just getting started.
I'm forgetting about whatever the hell has happened, because it already happened.
I think finally I know how to not take things, or people too seriously. In the end, the only thing you can strongly rely on is yourself, and a couple great people around you.

I'm ready to be taken seriously

Saturday, November 29, 2008

"Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down"

More than anyone else, my family makes me the happiest. I'm most comfortable around my moms side of the family. I love my Aunt Kris. I love Ashley and Jessica, Uncle Bobby and Aunt Theresa. I love Grandma Maryanne and Aunt Linda. Being around all of them is just comfortable to me. With my dads side of the family it's so different. I'm so uptight and it feels like I have to put on some type of act.

I love my aunt Kris' house. I could stay there forever.

This weekend really brought me close to my brother Matthew. It's like I got to really know him all over again. He was my ride up to Washington. He drives like a crazy person. But that's okay, because that's more fun.

The traffic was bad, but I really didn't mind. I like car rides. I liked the fact that the traffic made the drive longer, because the drive was relaxing to me. We sort of just sat in silence listening to the loud music, but it really wasn't uncomfortable. I like the fact that we actually try to be nice to each other now. He dealt with my phone going off just about every minute, and I forced myself to not complain about having to listen to his country music the whole way up there. We never said anything about it either. I liked that he started to play music on his iPod that I actually liked after a while. I've grown to love the song Into the Ocean. If I heard it at any other time, I probably wouldn't of seen it as anything special. But I guess I just love some songs because of the moments they remind me of. I have a new appreciation for the song Only God Knows Why, and I've grown to have a tolerance for Tim McGraw songs. Music can really connect you with people. And peoples taste in music can really show you the type of person they are.

The trip was nice. Not long enough.. But nice.
I already miss everyone. Every time I leave from seeing my mom, and come home, I lose a little bit more of myself. It was really hard to see her cry as we drove off.

I am so thankful for my family.
I love you all.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Plans. Fears, And Expectations

Today has just been a huge outlook on my future, and an outlook on where I am right now, and what I'm really doing with my life..

After school today my dad set up a meeting with Mr. Cabrerra, Mrs. Childs, and Mr. Cisco. All through fourth period I was a nervous wreck thinking about how the meeting was gonna go, and thinking about what they were going to say. It went okay. I don't know why I have such a hard time keeping a straight face in serious situations. I kept laughing, and it made it look like I wasn't taking it seriously. It really just seemed like they weren't taking me seriously. Every time I would say something, they would all get silent and just.. stare at me. I can't think of one thing I said where I actually got a good response. It was ridiculous and I felt like I wasn't being heard, at all.

My attendance for this year is 80%
Which means I've basically missed 1 or 2 days out of every week this year. I can't do that anymore. A lot of questions were asked during the meeting. A lot of questions that I've sort of been ignoring.

"What do you plan to do after High School?"
"Where do you plan on going for college?"
"What are you planning on studying?"
"Do you realize you need to double up on math?"

"What are your plans?"

Plans. Plans. Plans.

I have no plans.
I have no idea what my future is going to be like..

I really need to step up. Surprisingly my dad isn't even punishing me. Even after finding out about my flaky attendance, and lack of effort in my classes. He didn't take away anything from me. I guess he has faith in me. The thing is, while I was in the meeting I really felt motivated, and I told them that I'm really ready to change my ways. But I guess I was lying to them and myself, because already, I've lost whatever inspiration I had at that point. I'm worried I'm already tied down with these bad study habits..

My horoscope today,
"It seems natural for you to think in grand terms about your future now, yet this doesn't mean that your head is off in the clouds. To the contrary, your reasoning is probably quite sound if your feet remain firmly planted on the ground. Try to take it in stride if someone seems resistant or even combative to your plans. Instead of engaging in a public scuffle, just act intelligently to further your own point of view."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What goes around comes back around

I know it sounds extremely tacky, but if my life were a movie, everytime I see you it would be the scene where everything goes into slow motion and the intense music comes in. I get that nervous feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to race. It sounds like the way people describe what it feels like when you see someone you love, but the funny thing about that is it's the complete opposite feeling. It's actually really ridiculous. I don't wanna feel like this all the time. I don't wanna have to change the route I take to class just so I don't have to run into you. I avoid any conflict lately.

Is peace between us really too much to ask for?
To be honest, I'm over it. I get over shit fast but I don't forget it.
I feel like this is the way to handle the situation if we were 13.
I feel like these blank stares and nervous feelings are a waste of energy.

I know we can't just put this behind us like it happened a long time ago, but there's also no point to carry it on like it's the end of the world. But sure.. go ahead.. keep doing what you're doing I guess if that's what works best for you. But I'm done. You can keep your hatered close, but I'd rather not. I'm too happy of a person to deal with these kinds of things.
I don't waste my time on these kind of things.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I need you here

"Fuck, this hurts so much.."
"Yeah, I know. But that is life. If nothing else, that's life, you know? Its real, and sometimes it hurts, but it's sort of all we have.."

"How are you feeling?"
"Safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home."

The whole time I was watching Garden State I was thinking about you, and what we have, and about where we're going. I really feel so happy. Being with you friday was so nice. Even if it was just for a couple hours. After the movie was over tonight, you texted me and told me how you're losing feelings and starting to question what we have.

I don't want to lose you.
Why throw away feelings we don't need to throw away just because we're unsure of what the other one feels.

You mean so much to me and I'm not giving you up.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I know that you can hear this

I never thought I'd ever hear Caitlin tell me to fuck off.
I never thought I'd ever hear Ramsey tell me to burn in hell.
And I never thought Chelsea would betray my like she did.

I really wish I didn't care so fucking much. I wish I would of just stayed out of it and let them go on telling their lies, and faking to get by. It's the worst feeling being accused of lying when I'm actually telling the truth. I told Ramsey what I told him because I still consider him one of my best friends. I consider Caitlin one too. Or at least I did.

Chelsea was my main source. She was the one that really confirmed that what I was hearing was true. And the fact that she's denying it now makes me feel so.. empty. I think Ramsey knows I'm telling the truth but he doesn't want to believe it. I understand why it would be hard to believe.

I have so much anger towards Caitlin right now. But still no hate. I still think it's sick and messed up how I can have such strong negative feelings towards her, and still miss her. But I guess that's normal.

I never meant to hurt anybody or ruin anything. You act like I get some sick enjoyment out of this. You say, "Stay out of my fucking business. Why are you doing this?"

It was probably the worst day I've had all through out high school.
I don't think I can really trust anyone anymore. I haven't talked to Caitlin and Ramsey basically all of October. And for some reason just talking to them on the phone felt good to me, being able to say every little thing I've been holding in for months. Even though hearing them cry, and yelling "Fuck you" to me was really hard to hear.

I hate how I want to say sorry when there's nothing to be fucking sorry for.
Please.. Don't turn this around on me, Caitlin. You're starting to believe your own lies and that is a destructive and scary habit. You're getting lost with in yourself. I wish I had some proof. Some solid proof that I'm right about all of this. So you could all just stop accusing me of making it up.

But I thought hearing from your best friend was enough proof.
Because after all, why would anybody make any of this shit up?

"Wake up and face me, don’t play dead, cause maybe,
Someday I’ll walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Too much

It's really annoying how there's tons of guys at my school that talk about you. And probably tons of guys at your school too. And how people ask you who you like, you say me, and they say something bad about me.

Every time you upload a picture, you get a chain of guys saying something like,

"You look reeeally good"
or "You're hot"

There's always someone being a creep towards you, and it bothers me.
And sometimes it's even my own friends.

Guys ask you questions like,
"What kind of guys are you into?"

I've always liked competition. Just because it motivates me to be better in everything I do. And I always have this thing of trying to be the best. But right now, I just don't want to deal with it, hear what they have to say to you, or hear what they have to say about me.

The more and more they talk to you, the more and more I feel like I don't deserve you. Like you're too good for me. And really, we only accept the love that we think we deserve.

Am I holding you back from choosing from all those other guys?
Do they even really want you for what you are?
Do I really deserve you?

I need constant reasuurance and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Forgive.. Or forget?

I'm pissed about this whole situation.

You know I like her a lot, but you ignored that fact and only thought of yourself. You have your own thing going for you. Why do you need more than one relationship? Do you know how to be independent.. at all? You probably never thought I'd see those text messages. And if I never did see those text messages, I know for a fact you guys would still be continuing whatever you both had. Those "left over feelings"

I feel like a pushover. I wanna forgive you, but at the same time I don't even want to even talk to you anymore. I'd rather just not deal with you. You lie too much and make too much shit complicated. I'm not saying I don't do the same thing sometimes, but I feel like you drag it out to an extent. Sure, do that to whoever else. But you don't do that to your good friends. You don't do that to the people you care about.

I think you're getting a little bit too comfortable with us and you're starting to think you can do whatever you want, and say whatever you want, and you suspect we won't find out..

To tell the truth, when I told you to leave Avietas house last night, I really didn't feel guilty. I didn't even care about the fact that you had no where to go, or the fact that it was freezing cold out. It's not like me to do something like that. I'm not use to being thrown into super frustrating or dramatic situations because usually, I really don't give a damn. But I was really pissed last night.

Every one's telling me eventually I'll forgive you, but I really don't know.
I don't want you to think you can walk all over me, and I don't want you to think that I'll forgive you for stupid shit you do over and over again.

I don't just hand out my trust to anyone, and I'm really not somebody you want to screw over.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

You won't know

I had a really good weekend. Is it even possible to explain how happy I am?

My dad was right. It really is sad how we're both happier when we're away from each other. This weekend really made me realize how much I love my step mom. I had a crazy night on Friday and I was out until 4:00 in the morning. We showed up at my house, called Susan and asked her to come unlock the door. And then, "Hey. Sorry, but could Bryant and Andrew stay the night?"

She didn't even hesitate. She said yes immediately and that's something my dad would never do. If I did something like that with my dad there, he would ground me for months. The next morning she was still in a good mood. She didn't say yes to them spending the night because she was half asleep, she said yes because she really didn't care.

My dad comes home tomorrow night. And I don't know if I should feel excited or not.
I've talked to him a couple times on the phone this week and the conversation was really.. dull.. Like he was only calling because he thought he should.

I'm not really sure how he feels about coming home, either.

Breathing Space

I don't know why you're throwing away everything you have, for us.

"It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything"
Is that it?

I really wish that you would stop telling me how good of a friend I am.
I just hope you're not dissapointed when you realize that I'm not someone you can depend on.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'll admit it

Every time that I'm in the library, and you're sitting at the same table with all of our mutual friends, I always have the urge to say something to you. But I know exactly what would happen if I said anything. Everyone would get quiet, you'd probably get quiet, and it would probably be really uncomfortable.

Yeah yeah yeah
"I thought you hated him?"

That's old news. I'm over it. You should be too.
We're actually still a lot alike, in my opinion.
It's weird how you change the way you act whenever I come around, though. And you won't make eye contact with me. You pretend I'm not there. You're really not fooling anybody..

On another subject, I don't know how to feel about Jacob going to South. I still don't know exactly why we stopped being friends. I miss being at his house every weekend, just hanging out at the house with him and Stephanie, going to Red Robbins with them, all of that. His house basically became a house for me too. I guess Sheldon is the main source of his stress (according to him) But I think he's probably stressed at home too. Steph moved out, his parents are always gone, and last I remembered his parents weren't doing good.

Hopefully he knows I'm still here for him.
I know he's not a terrible person and he has good intentions.
I guess I'm a pushover since I heard all of the things he's said about me. But I still don't care. I still know he enjoyed our friendship just as much as I did. And I really don't think he meant most of the things he said.

I hope you find some stability, Jacob. And hope you figure somethings out.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Until next tuesday?

Its weird posting on my phone, but the movie Cabrerra is playing right now is really not holding my attention. I always have a hard time paying attention in this class.

I'm just waiting for this period to be over. I'm going to lunch with Bryant and Avieta. They talked last night and worked things out, thank god. I feel like I can actually calm down now. I can stop worrying.

My dad should be on his way to the airport right now.. He's going on a trip with his brothers and won't be back until next tuesday, which means at home it'll just be me and susan.. Really not looking forward to that. What makes this situation ten times worse is that me and my dad have been fighting ever since last night. This morning we said things we shouldn't of said when he dropped me off at school. All I have from him is a text he just sent, "I can't even talk to you anymore. You attack me after every word I say. I'm actually excited to get away for a while. Sad, isn't it?"

Maybe this time away will be good for us.
I don't even know. But he deserves better than how I treat him.

Monday, November 3, 2008

To bear to hear the truths that you were spoken

I don't know what to say.
Everything that happened over the weekend has really fucked things up.

Where do I even start?
I'm sick of having this anxious feeling all the time. I no longer blame it on the amount of coffee I've been drinking lately, even though caffeine does do that to me. I'm just waiting for some closure, and waiting for everything to fall together again.

The fact that Avieta and Bryant aren't friends anymore is really hard for me to face.
Why is it that every group of friends I have falls apart somehow? Every single time. It's terrible that I can't hang out with both of them at the same time anymore. The fact that they were talking to me about it like it doesn't effect me is what upsets me the most. They would say things like, "Yeah we're not friends. Oh well. Shit happens. I'm over it."

As selfish as this sounds, did you ever think about how it's hard for me now?
I guess I always try and keep my friends together for my benefits. I loved spending time with both of you, and loved the places we'd go, the things we'd do. Now I have to separate the plans, separate you both into separate days in the weekend.

Why is it that I can never feel secure with my friends anymore?
Every new person that comes around I just see as temporary. I feel like I'm temporary. Do I hold any significance to anybody.. at all?

'I used to be such a burning example. I used to be so original.
I used to care I was being careful. Made sure I showed it to those that I loved.
I used to sleep without a single stir. Cause I was about my fathers work.

I was the glue that kept my friends together, now they don't talk, and we don't go out'

'Take all that you have
and turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans'

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Don't lose your head

I'm happy because you said you like me too.
And that just keeps me in a good mood forever.
It took me a long time last night to just say it, which is why we were talking so late. But I'm glad I did end up saying it.

I still can't believe it.
I still don't think I'm good enough for you.

I hate myself for waking up late and missing school all the time.
I'm probably gonna get a letter from the school soon or something. I can't do this anymore. The guilt of missing class is really getting to me. I've always looked at people who skip school as pathetic. I've never understood why you would. It just gives you more work to do in the future.. I really like my teachers right now too. And I'm sure now they have a really bad impression of me. God damn it.

I'm at home right now. And this is the last place I wanna be.
I've missed so much class lately that being in school is far more comfortable than being at home. Because when I actually am in class, I feel like I'm getting back on track. I caught up in math yesterday. I'm doing just fine. But the call to my dad tonight about all my absences really isn't going to go well with him.

I want to be proud of my grades.
I don't want to worry about finding rides in the morning.
And I want my fucking license.

13 more days.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Flying high

Everything's starting to fit together.
It's all starting to balance itself out.

I couldn't ask for better friends then I have right now.

Cammisha we're making the best of what time we have. Whether you go to California or not once high school is over. I can't even describe how perfect our friendship is right now. How perfect it has always been. It's hillarious how my dad always uses you as the example of a perfect friend. And how whenever anything's wrong he says something like, "If you have someone like her, that's enough" He's right.

Avieta and Bryant. I take back ever saying I feel like a back up friend.
You guys never get old. I'm never bored when I'm hanging out with you guys.
We fight a lot but then we usually never fight about the same topic more than once. It happens once, we lay down the bottom line to it, and then we forget about it.

I'm completely secure with the group of friends I have now.
At the end of the day, those three are who I can rely on the most.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

"Why do you crave their approval?"

I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove them wrong.
I'm always trying to be better and always trying to have nicer things than them.

And I've got so caught up in it, that I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever state of mind I used to have. I'm sure it's just a phase. But I don't want to lose the things that make me great, for people that I don't really care about.

The things I have and the way I am, is just right.
I refuse to change for anyone from now on. I never used to. But when I'm around them I don't listen to the music I want to listen to, or talk about what I want to talk about.

The few times during the weekends that I've been around them, I don't even look at them as anything great, personality wise. And I don't even care to have conversation with them.

Thank you for teaching me what you taught me last night dad.
Why do I always want prove to everbody else that I am the best?
The people that are in my life, the people that matter, already think I am.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

In the scheme of things

I see you playing the same games I play.
And I see you developing the same bad habits that I have.

Please, stop while you can.

Deja vu with in myself

I'm so pissed at you dad.

Of course the letter finally gets delivered to the house when I've already caught up in my classes. I hate that you took away my phone, called me stupid, and told me I'm going nowhere with my life. And what I hate even more is how ten minutes later you act like you can talk to me and act like everything's just fine. Screw that. Screw you.

I can't wait to prove you wrong with straight A's.

Last night was a lot of fun for me and even though it's a saturday, you're making it feel like a sunday for me. If I don't get to go out tonight, I'll be pissed.

Back to last night.. I went with stephanie, sydney, andrew, avieta, bryant, eric, and ariel to the corn maze. I feel really bad for what I did to Ariel, and hopefully she'll forgive me. I'm sorry I was so mean, and I'm sorry you left because of me.. I actually had a lot of fun. It was funny, as ghetto as this sounds, we couldn't go to my house, bryants house, or erics house so we slept in bryants car. It was freezing, and hella uncomfortable. But overall it was one of the best nights I've had in a while.

Saw 5, and quarantine today!
Then going out to dinner with the group.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's weird

There's some people that repetitively try and talk to me (over myspace)
Mostly all of them live in my city, just go to different schools. And it bothers me because it's like they're clueless. I won't reply to their messages, they send another the next day. (I once again don't reply) Yet, I still get another message a couple days later. Usually always saying the same things,

"Hey, whats up?"

Sometimes I just give them a chance.
Just to see what they really wanna talk to me about, and it ends up being small talk that goes nowhere. I hate small talk. And I'm sick of the fact that it sounds like a script.

"How are you?"
"I'm good, how are you?"
"I'm good too"
"What have you been up to?"
"Not a whole lot, you?"
"Same.. not a whole lot"

So expected..

I know this is ridiculous to complain about.
It just bothers me. They don't even know who I am, why do they try so hard to have a conversation with me, that they can have with any other person on this planet? I guess this should make me feel "wanted" but it doesn't. And what I don't understand is, how don't they understand after the 100th time of me not replying, I obviously don't care to talk to them?

...Sorry, now I'm just being rude.
Bad mood, I guess.

We've got everything we need right here,

And everything we need is enough.
It's just so easy when the whole world fits inside of your arms,
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm, wake up slow, wake up slow.

I really like starting the day early. Although, I think I'm gonna go lay down again for a little. Just because I still have time before I have to leave for school.

I just got home from the Wind-Up Bird with my dad. We had coffee and talked, and caught up a little bit. It was nice. Because even though we're in the same house, I feel like we haven't been connecting much lately. During the summer we were so close and now I feel like I only say hi to him when he comes home, and then say goodnight to him before he goes to bed.

Now I'm sitting in the basement, finishing my coffee, and listening to Jack Johnson on the surround sound speakers. The cinnamon candle upstairs smells really good. And I can hear my dad whistling to Banana Pancakes.

I love this.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You're always made up

I hate how every time I call you there's a million people yelling in the background, or loud music playing so I can hardly even hear what you're saying. Then you usually start laughing and end up hanging up on me. Sometimes even while I'm in the middle of talking to you.

Screw you, your drugs, and your parties.

But when I say lets keep in touch, I really mean I wish that you'd grow up.
This is the first song for your mixed tape. And it's short just like my temper. But somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend, before you got too cool.

Monday, October 20, 2008

We had the good things, but those never seem to last

I think this is probably the most important thing I can write about on here.
And will probably be the longest post I've ever written.
So, here we go.

I can't stop thinking about it or talking about it. And I don't mind admitting that. I'm really sick or repeating myself on here, but I don't know how else to really vent about it all, since every body's getting tired of hearing it.

I used to love myself for how much self respect I have.
But now I just think I'm stupid because of it.
I stopped coming around you guys because I always said I deserve the best.
Well.. I'd rather be going through bad times with you guys then not being in your lives at all. I'd rather argue with you guys every day then not argue with you at all. Because at least then I could still say that you both are still my friends. At least you would still be around. We always seemed to work out any problems we had anyways.

Caitlin, Ramsey, I miss you both.
I've tried to just throw this behind us, but obviously you two aren't willing to do the same. And I understand why. I can openly admit that I've been depressed about this for the last two months. I wanted to meet new people, and throw something new into my life, but I never meant to lose our friendship along the way.

I don't even know where to begin..
The highest point of my life was sophomore year when we all started being friends. I loved second period. Going to Ramseys house with Caitlin and laying there, being lazy, falling asleep sometimes, and talking about how we didn't want to go to our next class. We always ended up going though. We'd just anxiously wait for the next second period. We never did anything exciting, yet we'd always seem to make it enjoyable. When Caitlin first introduced me to Ramsey I knew we were gonna be good friends. He reminded me of Justin. And Justin was my best friend until he moved. And I was right. I ended up feeling exactly the same about our friendship as I did with mine and Justins.

We used to all drive around really fast and really late. I always loved the music we'd play in the car, but it's hard listening to those songs now. We'd always end up at Caitlins dads house. There has been so many good times at her dads house. I loved the night me, her and Ramsey watched the Blair Witch project and got all freaked out afterwards. Hahahah and how Caitlin layed on her bed with her cross because of it.

The night when ramsey let us drive his car in the Safeway parking lot, the time I started saying creepy things in my sleep in Caitlins living room, how terrible I was at playing pool when we went to her moms house.

There was so many times where Caitlin and I would say the same things outloud. We used to always say to each other, "Get out of my head!" It was really like we shared the same brain. We could talk to each other with out even.. saying anything at all.

Ramsey would always give me a ride home at the end of the night. And we'd usually always sit in the car for a couple hours and just talk about shit. I remember one time we were talking about how many friends we've lost and he said, "When I stop being friends with someone, you have to do something really extreme, something that really pisses me off, for me to stop talking to you. Basically, I'm planning on sticking with you and Caitlin until you both get sick of me." and I told him that I know we'll all stay friends, there would be no reason for us not to.

So now I'm just wondering where we went wrong. Where I went wrong.

The memories that are attached to me the most, are the ones from this summer. Our road trips to the lake, and our late night fires at Jacobs house. The last fire I remember us having was at Ramseys. And I really loved that night. And the last time I remember us actually hanging out was the night we watched children of the corn at Ramseys house. Also a bad ass night. Ha!

I don't wanna forget about any of these times. It seems like I'm having a hard time remembering all the great things we used to do, since I've been blocking it out too much lately.

I always felt infinite when I was friends with you guys.
I never wanted to party to have a good time, because we never needed that to have a good time. And I never really thought about opening up to new people, because you guys were enough for me.

So, what has my pride done to me?
Is anybody going to be good enough for me?

Tonight I cried for this first time since.. I don't even know when.
And I don't really like admitting that..

I miss you guys more than anything.
I want our friendship back more than anything.
I wanna know what it's like to be able to trust anyone again.
And I really wish that you guys looked at my blogspot. Because I really wish you could read this.

I don't think I'm brave enough to talk to you about it.
I'm not brave enough to hear you're response..

But overall, thank you to both of you for showing me the best times of my life.
You guys are still soooo important to me. And I hope you know that.

Feelin' fresh

This checkered composition notebook is keeping me on top of everything.

It's gonna make me sound.. insane, but I have an endless amount of tasks on a checklist of things I need to complete this week. It seems like I'm always writing down little things in it lately. Just because I fail at remembering anything, and it seems easier to see what I have to face when it's written out.

Work at least four hours for dad, turn in my application at Jamba Juice (and all the other stores i'm applying at), make enough money for homecoming this weekend, and tonight I'm gonna completely get caught up with school and get both of my grades to A's by the end of this week.

Feels like there's nothing in my way now.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Like Eating Glass

I don't actually end up leaving my house on the weekends until 10:00 or so.
And it's getting really old.

I do love the night life. But I like being out during the day too..

Starting next weekend I'm gonna start staying at my brothers house on Saturday nights. He has a room for me and everything. It's too hard trying to find rides from where I live, and I'm more relaxed at his house anyways. He'd let me go out whenever I want, and I don't have to worry about getting caught sneaking out.

I'm changing up things a little bit.
But I think I'm hurting my dad at the same time.

...I took ten dollars from my his wallet tonight.

And even though I shouldn't feel guilty, since it's nothing compared to taking one of the hundred dollar bills in there, I still felt terrible. When I came downstairs he smiled at me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him and Susan, but I told him I was going out for the night. He always seems disappointed when I say that..

I have enough guilt from the things I've said to him in the past couple days, I don't think I can handle having anymore. So I went back upstairs, and put the ten dollars back in his wallet.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A smile that explodes

I can't even keep track of how many times my dad has said to me that I'm a terrible person. He's wrong. My mom would never say anything like that to me. Sometimes I wonder why I've spent all of my life with my dad.. and not my mom.

I hate today, and I hate this week
For once I actually want some alone time.

I haven't talked to my mom for a week.
Which is one of the reasons I'm so upset lately.
It seems like I'm looking through our pictures and watching our videos every other night. I think about it everyday. And listening to the song A smile that explodes, gets to me everytime.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

It's funny how we're both dressed in our night clothes. But that's alright.

I'll remember that night for the rest of my life.
Going to the lake, rolling down the windows in the truck and playing music. I still crack up everytime I watch that video where you were dancing and almost fell into the water. Or when I think about how much you and Walt would make fun of how much I suck at driving a stick shift. And how much I don't fit in with the lifestyle of living in Pierce.

I'm sorry I'm not there with you, mom. You're my best friend, and I miss you.

I'm just gonna stop here.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Behind Closed Doors

You really set it out to them like it was a rule, didn't you?
And they followed what you said, didn't they?

"We're not talking to Michael anymore"

It amazes me how much you have, and how little you appreciate it all.
Just going to your moms house showed me how glamorous your life really is. You have everything. And you have so many people that love you. So why is it that half of the time I see you, you're always upset about something? Or always complaining about something or someone?

You have a few people that would do anything for you, and give you anything that you want. You should be the happiest person in the world.

I found out a lot about you these last few weeks. And I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you lie and mistreat the people that love you the most. It makes me feel sick everytime I think about the fact that you cheated on him, and it makes me feel even more sick that you deny it.

The thing is, I don't hate you.
What you did is terrible. But I still respect and love you. You were one of the most important people in my life and having to step away from you because of the things you were doing to the people I care about was hard, but I had to do it.

Whenever anybody says anything about you I go along with it. And I'll admit, I've said that I hate you a couple times. But I never once meant it. Go ahead and keep talking about me. But don't you feel weird doing that since just about a month ago you considered me your best friend? And go ahead and keep faking nice to me, because I'd rather have you do that then not talk to me at all. I don't hate you. I actually hope you find something to love. And I really hope you wake up and realize.. you have it all.

Pull yourself together. And god damn, stop putting on this act.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I need some meaning I can memorize

I guess being able to admit things, makes them a little bit easier to face.
So here we go,

I've come to realize I really do have an addiction to buying new things.
I've gone through so much money in the past two weeks, and tomorrow, I owe my dad fifty dollars.

I just had fifty dollars today,
and now I have a total of two dollars in my wallet.

Good luck to me for tomorrow!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Pretending there's glamour and candelabra

It may have been fun at first, but lately my weekends are just.. uncomfortable.
I've been spending most of my time with people that I hardly even know, and at first it was nice meeting new people and all. But I'm realizing more and more how uncomfortable it is when I'm with those strangers and we're not partying.

Everyone's telling me to get to know these people and eventually I'll feel comfortable. And it's so like me to bail out because I'm not comfortable. So I'm going to try not to..

I'm tired of jumping from house to house and trying to find somewhere to go.
I'm sick of being in the same room with people that I don't even like.
And I really hate how when I wanted to just have a normal night with a couple of my friends, the plans are ruined, and we ended up driving everybody around. Really, that's all tonight was for me, sitting shotgun in Bryants car and driving people everywhere they wanted to go. It's sort of annoying that I gave up my night for that. Not like it was his fault or anything.

I'm hoping my weekends start getting better.

I keep thinking "Where's the fun or comfort in this?"

But I keep on going..

mkl on aim: um, sorry
Tepni: AW
Tepni: REALLY?
mkl on aim: yes. idk, when i go away from the computer you actually want me to come back, and when i want to get off you want me to stay on
mkl on aim: i need more people like that lately


I notice myself constantly saying, "They don't like me"
Or, "I don't like them" Even when me saying "They don't like me" is most of the time a guess.

I do it just in case if they really don't like me, I won't be disappointed.

This morning I realized how much I hate being around people that don't have anything good to say about anybody else. I was with Michele and when any of my friends would walk by, or sit by me, she'd make fun of them. When Katy sat down by me, she even called her a slut out loud. Which was ridiculous. And in the library, when Bryant walks in, she says something about him too. She doesn't even know them. And she knows they're my good friends. How old are we? Twelve?

I would like to be able to say "The people that make fun of everybody are just insecure." But that's not even the case a lot of the time. Talking trash about people happens. It starts conversation sometimes, I guess. And I've noticed a lot of the time, people just do it when they're uncomfortable.

Today during third period I sat and talked to a lot of people that I've always thought of as people who didn't like me. But when I actually talked with them, we got a long fine. And that was a good feeling.

Mostly what I've learned from today is,
I'd rather go through life loving everybody, and thinking everybody loves me, instead of worrying about who accepts me, and who doesn't.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Matthew and David

The last few nights I've been going through old photo albums, and watching old home videos. I miss childhood.. I miss you guys. It's weird not having anybody at the house anymore. Just me.. Dad and Susan are always here, but all they do is stress lately. And I'm sick of hearing about it.

I miss the way we would all look out for each other, and the way we'd cover for each other when we'd sneak out of the house. It seems like all through out your high school years I would ruin things for you guys by getting you in trouble all the time. And around that time, you both hated me. I was the typical annoying little brother. I really wish I could take back all of that.

But seeing these pictures reminds me of the younger version of both of you.
And I remember exactly how you were. David, you were a genius for your young age. You were hurt by the pressure dad put on you, and you broke free from all of that and did the things you loved. Even if dad didn't approve of it. Matthew always in the spotlight. And hell, he grew up with the spotlight. He was perfect in dads eyes. The sports.. That's really what it was all about for my dad. But as a kid, Matthew was never like that. He was just.. Normal. I don't even know.

Watching the home videos shows how innocent both of you were. And seeing David going through hard times really gets to me. Being able to hold on to these pictures, and these memories keeps me sane in this house.

I miss our old house, and I miss mom living with us.
I love you guys for the way we stuck together through the divorce.

But I miss having both of you around more than anyone else knows.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Don't lose touch

First of all, I'm happy with how many people have blogspots now. I've always wanted more of my friends to have blogspots just because I love reading them, but I've never really said anything about it. Now I have about 10 people on my blog update list.

I love it.

I know you're starting to like him again, and even though it's not at all understandable in my mind, I'm gonna let you do what you want. But don't forget about your friends while you're changing up everything. I'm sick losing friends because of relationships. They'll find the one that's "perfect" for them and then completely isolate themselves from everybody else. Then a couple months later, the relationship ends, and they come running back to their old friends in hope that they'll take them back. I know that's not your plan, and I know your intentions are good. But I still worry about it.

I wish you could realize that being independent is okay.
It seems like your using him to help yourself move on from this mess your in. But that's an endless cycle. Because after him, it's gonna be another guy, and another, and another. Rebounds really mean nothing. And I'm sorry if you take offence to this, because I know in your mind he's not a rebound. But in my opinion, you need to help yourself instead of looking for somebody else to help you. And you need to love yourself before you love anyone else.

Money on my mind

I've been spending a lot of money on clothes lately.
I know I can wear the same thing more than once every once in a while, but that's boring. It's always one thing after another. I'm always wanting to buy something.

I'm worried about my future. I'm spending money like it's nothing. I haven't saved one dollar in my bank account. Everywhere I go, I end up buying things I don't really need, and it's become a habbit.

I've been generously spending my money on other people too, which really.. isn't good.

I really can't afford this lifestyle I'm aiming for..
Every weekend for me ends up being so expensive. I've gone through fifty dollars in the last two days on just normal things. Food, movies, and paying people for driving me around. I don't even have a job. And I never ask my dad for money. Whenever I do, I end up feeling guilty and end up giving the money back to him.

Whatever money I have is from the hours I've worked for him in the past. He's slowly paying me for it, and he thinks I'm saving it, but I'm always spending it the day he hands it to me. It's completely stupid, but I can't stop.

I want a job more than anything right now.
But I still want my free time.
So actually, I just want money more than anything right now.

On a separate note,
I came home early tonight. I got back around 12:00. I drove around with Avieta for a while and stopped by Bryants house. Something was wrong with Bryant and he didn't wanna come outside. I'm worried we're annoying him. Even though Avieta always tells me to shut up about that because I worry about people too much, I still think we are. I hate asking him for a ride home at the end of the night every weekend. I hate asking people for rides. I just wanna be able to drive myself around. I guess whenever something's wrong with any of my friends, I make it my fault in some way. Another destructive habit of mine.

I saw Nick at 7-Eleven tonight.
And I randomly got a text message from him and he told me that he doesn't hate me. Although I haven't really been thinking about it lately, a big weight was lifted off my shoulder when I got that text. I miss Nick. Knowing that we're fine with each other, and knowing that he doesn't hate me makes me feel a lot better.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Come downstairs and say hello

My dad found out I snuck out last night. I got back around 3:30 in the morning. And he was in his room, sleeping. He left a note on my door and it said "Talk to me in the morning"

I was all nervous because I knew in a couple hours, it was just gonna be a punishment and a lecture. I couldn't even figure out how he found out. I had Ariel park away from my house so he wouldn't hear the car, I went out the back door really quietly, and I turned off all the lights in my bedroom. I guess my dad just figures out everything.

This morning we had our "talk" and surprisingly, he didn't care. He really wasn't mad. He said that he trusts me and that if I would of just checked in with him, it would of been fine for me to leave. He knows I'm smart, and that I wasn't doing anything stupid. We had coffee and he made me breakfast and he didn't even ask me what I did last night.

I felt guilty about it for some reason so I burned him the CD he's been asking me to burn for him and we drove to Nike and listened to it in the car.

The main point is, he trusts me now. And I'm gonna make sure I keep that trust with him.

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Friday, October 3, 2008

Bright Lights

I'm having one adventurous night after another.
I've had it planned out for a while how I've wanted things to go, and wow, my plans definitely worked out.

I'm living the life.

I love coming home at 3:00 in the morning with that "on top of the world" feeling, falling asleep with a smile, and then starting out the next day a couple hours later.

I love being at Avietas house, having the house to ourselves, and blasting music while she gets ready before we go out for the night.

I've always said it's better to take things slowly.
But I'm living fast, now.

Again and again

"All you do on the weekends now is.. party"

I hope you know I still know how to have normal fun, too.
I still like doing stupid things.
I still like movie nights.
And I still don't mind being lazy at your house.

I haven't done anything today. Which is weird.. because it seems like all week I've been planning everything to happen on Friday. We might throw Bryant a party this weekend for his birthday, but then again, there's really no where to throw it.

I saw Eagle Eye last night with Avieta. Greatest movie I've seen in a while.

We hated walking everywhere yesterday.
We were walking down Coburg Road and it started raining harder than I've ever seen it rain before. We were soaked with in five seconds. And from there on, the day just went downhill.

Today feels like it's going by so slowly.
Another rainy day.
I want it to be 9:00 so everyone can get off of work. I want to go do whatever the plan is for tonight.

Rainy Days

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I'll Believe In Anything

I think I've tried out every type of lifestyle there is.
The thing is, as a person, I never really change. I change the way I live. I change the things I do. But I'm really always the same. I'm the same as I was when I was.. 12 years old. I haven't changed. I haven't grown up. I still have the mind of my younger self.

But being able to try out different ways of living, and seeing from one million different point of views has made me the most understandable person to.. everybody. I feel like I can relate to just about anybody, just because I've lived like them before.

I've had friends that don't give a damn about me.
And I've had friends that love me.
And now I really do know the difference between the two.

I've met people that look up to me.
And I've met people who have tried to destroy me.
And I know how take control of both.

I've had times where I have a ton of money.
And I've had times where I was flat out broke.
I've been friends with people whose parents are millionaires,
And friends with people whose families can hardly get by.
And I still don't know if money is the root of happiness.

I've got around town in fancy cars.
And I've taken the bus to get from place to place.

I've been nice.
And I've been terrible.
I've been cruel.
And I've been greedy.
I've been fake.
I've been crazy.
I've fucked up.
And I've fucked people over.

I've had months where I'd do nothing.
And I've had months where I was never not doing something.
Always alone,
or always with a million people.

I've been a liar,
and I've dealt with liars.

I really don't think there's anyone I can't handle, or anyone that I can't figure out. I've seen it all before, I've done it all before. I'm done hearing how you're "a hard person to read"

I bet you anything I can adapt to your lifestyle.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

September 30th, thank you!

Now that I have a little bit of closure, things really aren't as bad as I built them up to be. I'm sort of glad you said what you said today. And I'm glad that it pissed me off. Because as weird as it sounds, now it's easier to not care about it as much.

If you really think I use you for your car then you're retarded.
I can't think of anytime where I've asked for a ride when I WASN'T hanging out with you.

And now you're just acting like you're five years old.
"Hey, wanna go to lunch?"
"Why, so I can drive you?.."

Because I have no one else who can drive me, right?
I don't know why you keep acting like that when I'm obviously trying to fix our friendship. It's not gonna get fixed if you keep being annoying like this.

I guess you're just looking for a reason to be mad at me when really, you should be looking at the reasons why I'm annoyed with you.

I'm fine with how every thing's going right now.
No, I'm more than fine with how things are going right now.
I'm having fun. And I'm loving every little bit of it.

I liked today. Even if I just went to Avietas, and walked around and talked with her forever. I loved it. I feel like too many people judge her. When really, if you don't like her, you basically don't like me. It was fun talking to her about the future, and talking about all the little things we're excited for. Then going to Bryants work and making fun of him for two hours.

I like the way things are going.
I like the direction I'm going in.

But really, thank god that September is over.
This month has always been cursed for me.
(Also seems like the month I post the most on here)


Monday, September 29, 2008

Maybe we'll turn it all around

"You seem real unhappy lately"
"Well I'm doing just fine"
"What's wrong?"
"Just tell me what's wrong"
"Nothing, don't worry about it"
"Whenever you come home you go straight to your room, and then I see you the next day for a little bit and I can hardly even get a word out of you"
"I'm just tired by the end of the day"
"Something's wrong whether you want to admit it to me or not. But how are you gonna fix things if you don't let anyone in?"

I know I should probably open up to you more dad. But you give me the typical "dad advice" I've heard it all before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, "You'll find better people." And yeah, okay, "You're a strong person. It's just your age. It's a tough age."

Dad. I'm sorry, but nothing you're saying is anything I haven't heard before.

And mom..

"All you need to do is find what makes you comfortable"
"Yeah but.. right now, I'm not really sure what makes me comfortable"

Mom, I'm finding all different ways, and all different people to make me comfortable and distract me from everything that's fucked up right now. I keep throwing down everything everyone has to say to me and they usually just end up saying, "Well.. I don't know what else to say."

There really isn't anything else to say.
And I guess to fix myself, I'm gonna need to let people help me a little.
I can't be independent forever.

I've never been asked "Are you okay?" As many times as I have today.

Come Around

I feel like we're a lot alike.
And I think I want to get to know you more. I think I want to be friends with you.

But I'm starting to feel like I sort of fail at keeping new people around lately.

It seems like I don't try as hard to impress anyone. And sure that could be a good thing. But to me, it's a bad thing. I've always tried to make a good impression on everyone that I meet, even if I don't care about them. And now it's like.. I really could care less. If I'm in a bad mood, I'm gonna act like an ass. And if I don't like the person, I'm really not going to pretend that I do. Whenever anything is uncomfortable or whenever I'm frustrated with something I keep distancing myself from whoever I'm with.

What I'm talking about now doesn't even relate to what I was talking about at first but, whatever.

The point is, I'm very careless lately, and I'm starting to hurt the people I love.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Come on!

I fucking haaaaaate the look you gave me today
And I hate the fact that you consider "O" as a reply to a text message


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive

All I hear is my parents talking about money
All I can think about is how ridiculous you are and how much I have to say to you
I'm constantly nervous, and I'm constantly worried

My work is piling up
And my head feels one thousand pounds

Everything won't stop spinning

Park that car, drop that phone

I think it's easier to keep people around when you're more.. unexpected.
I feel like the more predictable you are, the more people will get bored with you.
I guess that's my biggest fear with all my friends. I fear that I'm not completely satisfying them. Hell, I'll be whatever type of friend you need me to be.

But hearing you complain about everything
And hearing you say how much life sucks, and how you just want to move one hundred miles away makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I guess I have some things to work on.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'll be your distraction

Everything and everyone is pointing towards me
Every tiny problem of theirs is waiting to be fixed
They're all waiting for me to.. save them I guess

But, hell.. how do I help them, when I can hardly help myself?

Monday, September 22, 2008

One Headlight

Scent is the strongest thing tied to memory.

My walk tonight was nice.
When I first walked out it smelled like rain.
And then when I walked past the garage the air being blown out smelled like dryer sheets and laundry soap. And once I left my driveway I could smell the wet leaves on the ground. And it's cold, but I like wearing sweatshirts and feeling warm. And when I walked through the neighborhoods, there was a scent of smoke from the houses fire places.

It's starting to look, and feel like fall.

Bring on October, please.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

So, this is it?

I guess this really is it.
I guess I've done it again. I've pushed you away.
And once again, I'm only thinking about myself.

At first I was saying "Why stick with something I don't really want?"
But now I'm saying "God damn, every group of friends is gonna have its flaws. Why do I keep letting people down?"


I feel like it really is too late to fix anything. At one point, I did have two different options. But I just kept pushing it out of my mind. Maybe this is good for me, and maybe this is good for you. I really don't know..

But looking at your top friends, and looking at your heroes just ruined my whole day.

I have the most nervous/anxious feeling inside of me.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm gonna try and stop acting like I'm indestructible, because right now, I'm scared about the weight that's gonna be put on me because of my decision to not stay around.

I feel like I'm getting pulled one million different ways by one million different people, and I really don't have anything stable to call mine.

I guess this is the point where somethings yelling at me "Get the fuck up, and keep moving" Because I can't stay stuck on this forever.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Still I stand, no matter what

And here I am, no matter what

No matter what
No matter what
No matter what
No matter what

I'm great at keeping my head up high.
And I'm great at loving everything no matter what situation I'm in.
Every day I walk out my front door in the morning, I know what I have to face, and I think about anything that I'm stressing about, and think about all the things I'm too nervous to face, and then I just say "Fuck it, this is a waste of energy"

In the end it's all gonna be fine.
At the end of the day, I'm fine.
Everything usually balances itself out.
I walk back in through my front door, I sit in my room, I think about everything, and I say, "Damn, I'm good"

Used to be one of the rotten ones, and I liked you for that

I was lying down on my couch in my room tonight for about an hour, just staring at the texture on the celling and trying to make shapes out of it.

When I have time to pause and reflect on everything, I actually think logically.
I actually start to answer questions that I've had for a long time.
I thought about everything you said, and I thought about all the things I thought were cool about you.

Apparently, every word you said wasn't even true.
And I guess now.. I don't really know you at all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth

I guess everyone was right. And I knew they were right.
Blocking things out is actually worse than dealing with the situation when it's right in front of your face.

I guess it all caught up with me tonight.

I'm really bad at handling my anger when I'm at home.
My dad did my laundry tonight and shrunk some of my clothes. I got mad because he said he wouldn't pay me back for the clothes he shrunk. But when he left the house to go on a walk I realized how ridiculous I was being. It's not like he meant to. I do my own laundry most of the time because it bothers me when anybody else does it. He was just trying to do a favor for me. He didn't know he should of washed it with cold water. He was just trying to be nice. I felt like I was 13 years old complaining about my dad shrinking a couple shirts that I've only worn once.

By the time he got home from his walk, he told me he'll pay for them. But by then, I didn't even want him to. I think he knew the reason I overreacted was because of something else. But he didn't ask. He just gave me that look. The look that was saying, "Are you alright?" So I just told him I'm fine, and told him he doesn't have to pay.

It really wasn't about my dad. It wasn't about the shirt.

What it's about is seeing you guys at lunch and knowing that you're probably laughing about who I'm with, and talking about how different I am now. And what it's about is how I shouldn't be doing this, and I should just accept the small problems going on. It's about how I have so many people that care about me, but I don't know how to accept it. I need to make up my mind about what I want to do.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe

I just went on a long walk. And that long walk was followed by a long bike ride with my dad and susan. Walks and bikerides are just a good time for me to have time to myself, and to reflect on the day, and reflect on my plans.

I feel like I'm stuck in between two different places.
And I better make up my mind right now about what I wanna do. Because people aren't going to stick around forever waiting for me to make up my mind.

I know.. I always do this. And I really thought I fixed it.
But once again, I prove to myself that I was wrong.
Once again, history is repeating itself. Once again I'm drifting away from people I love.

I feel like all of this could be fixed with a small talk with each of you, one at a time. But for some reason I'm feeling very unmotivated to fix anything. I guess I'm just getting tired of being the one to "fix things" and I'm tired of being the one who has to explain myself, and the one who has to explain other people for them. I'm sick of having to make decisions and feeling like I'm not aloud to have more than one group of friends.

It's ridiculous.
It's really not fair.

I haven't even done anything, yet already I feel like it's to late to fix anything.
In the car today I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. There was just some awkward tension the whole time, and it made me feel sick.

Everything's still exactly the same. You guys are still the same people.
But why the hell did I feel like I shouldn't be there? Why did I feel like I shouldn't be talking?

Before I draw any conclusions too quickly, I'm once again gonna try and fix things.
Because giving up on people is really starting to become old news.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

Lots of other worlds exist, soon enough we'll tear them open

I feel like we're standing infront of a door to a brand new life.
And it feels like there's millions of opportunities, and good times, and new experiences shoved behind it.

I'm ready to open that door.
I'm ready to let it all in.

Here we go.

It was, what it was, what it was

It's really okay that we're changing.
Because really, we're changing at the same time.
We're both going one step forward at the same time.

We have been ever since we were five years old.

We're being.. young.
We're trying things out.
And we're learning.
And we're perfecting.
We're forgiving.
Not just everyone around us, but ourselves.

We've got plans.
And we have fears.
Friends, and foes.
We have each other.

We're screwing up.
And then we're fixing it.
We're fighting to teach ourselves the lesson from it all.
We're independent.
We're just starting.

We're growing up..

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Switches To Show Something's Missing

I'm glad you guys told me everything you needed to tell me.
Because I was getting tired of feeling like there was so much tension between us.
Yeah, it was sort of awkward even talking about it at first. But we started driving fast, and played a couple lil' wayne songs, and after that it was all back to normal. And it was all forgotten.

I'm glad every thing's fine.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

It's all coming down, but I'm rising up.

I'm scared that I'm gonna lose you. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've just been blocking all of it out of my head. Because that's easier.

When I block it out I can just enjoy everything else, and think about it later.
I know that's not healthy. But once again, I'm gonna block it out, and stop talking about it.

I'm sorry..

I still feel like it's summer. Even if school has started.
I like having friends like you. The ones that have always stuck around. I loved going to the park tonight when it was getting dark and just laying on the basketball court and talking. We always have the best talks.

I love that it was still perfectly warm at 9:00 at night. And how on the walk back we kept running into pockets of cold air. But it was refreshing. And the air smelled so good. It always does when we walk by the wheat fields. Small things like that make me love living in the country.

I'm losing my focus.
What was I talking about?

I got a text from my dad this morning and it just said "Have a good day, Michael"
Okay.. no big deal.. I know.. But me and my dad never used to be like this. I love feeling close with him again. It's nice having such strong support from my family.

I'm so happy..

Too many thoughts mashed together in one post.
I'm going to bed.

I've beat my sleeping problem!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I've been arching every part of me

I can't stop smiling.

You could let me down one million times, and I'd still come running back.
I hope you stick around.

I don't wanna be reminded

One little thing doesn't go the way I planned it, and I freak out.
Fuck that. I worry too much. And this year, my biggest goal, my biggest plan is to let that go.

Everything is fine.
I have so much.
I have everything.

Time to love it all!

Monday, September 8, 2008

My horoscope tells me

"But just because you seem to know what's going on and what to do about it, this doesn't give you the right to force your plan on anyone else."

I think I get it.
I think I know what to do with this plan of mine.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Another year. Here we go.

I have so many good feelings about this year. My first day was already everything that I wanted it to be. I have classes with all these people I know, but don't talk to anymore. And I'm just looking forward to getting to know them.. again.

I like restarting with people.
And just restarting in general.
Even though it's only been a day since school has started, I still feel like a brand new person.

I saw so many people that I held grudges against last year and started to ask myself "why?" I don't know. I don't know why I was against so many people for little things that they did. But the thing is, they remember the things I did and the things I said, and I remember it too, but we let it slip by. It happened, and it really just doesn't matter anymore. I can now look at them for who they are, and stop thinking about who they used to be.

I wish every day felt like this for the rest of the year. So.. new.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

people post

1) I would believe you, but you're always lying.

2) You're a great person to be around, and I think we have a lot in common, but you never follow through. I can't think of one time where making a plan with you wasn't difficult. Despite all that, you're great. There's something about you that makes you very addicting. I hope we can stay close, but I don't know if that'll happen. I know you don't mean to do it, but whenever I ask you to hang out I feel incredibly clingy because I can never get you to reply, and then when you do it's a real short reply. I especially felt like that when I liked you.

3) I miss you. Every little thing you that we argued about in the past really helped me fix things now. I am so grateful for having you as a friend, and I'm happy that we're still friends after all the rough patches we pushed through. That sort of goes out to two different people. Thank you, both of you.

4) I really hope we can become friends. It seems like you're fun to hang out with, and I can tell you're a nice person.

5) I miss hanging out with you. I guess I can't really say we were ever great friends. We hung out a lot since we both had the same mutual friends, we were in the same group. But we always got along, you were always really funny, and before I met you I always really wanted to be friends with you. You're such a great person, and we're both so much alike. I'm gonna make sure we hang out a lot more this year.

6) I'm glad we're friends again. You don't know how much I missed being friends when you stopped talking to me. The reason I made all those changes, the reason I stopped partying, was for our friendship, and I don't know if you really realize that. I mean, of course I did it for myself too, but I really hated the thought of losing a great friendship for something like that. I think you sometimes think I'm being serious when I "freak out" when I'm really joking, and I think you still think I get all worked up over small things and act like "it's the end of the world" like you used to say. But I'm usually never.. serious. I'm usually not as angry as you make me sound. I always watch what I say whenever we hang out, because I feel like it's really easy for you to take it the wrong way, and I sometimes worry I can't tell you things with out you repeating it to someone else, or changing it all up before telling someone else. You're a great friend, and I really am glad that you even gave me a second chance to be your friend. I thank you for picking me back up again. I thank you for getting my life back on track.

7) It's weird that we don't talk anymore. I still feel really embarrassed about the last time we hung out. There's not much else I can say. The way we stopped being friends was really out of no where too. And I don't think either of us really cared that it stopped.

8) You probably think I'm a terrible person. Every time that we plan to hang out I never can. Something happens, or I can't get a ride, or whatever. You told me I'm more flakey now. I miss you a lot. But whenever we would plan to hang out, it wouldn't really be.. a plan. It would be like this:

"Lets hang out tomorrow"
"Okay, where?"
"Um, I'm not sure"
"Okay, when?"
"What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know. We'll figure something out"

And I was always worried that when we did meet up, and hang out, it would be a bunch of "So, what do you wanna do?" And I really didn't want you to think I was boring now. I'm sorry if you think I've changed. And I'm sorry if I let you down. But I think this year, we're gonna grow close again.

9) You're a great friend, one of my best friends. It's always so much fun hanging out with you since we're always up for doing the same thing. And even if we don't make any plans we still have fun just hanging out at your house, or just driving around the city all day. The only thing I've noticed is you start to act a little bit more mean towards me when we get around other people. You'll say embarrassing things about me, or instead of just making a joke, you make it about me. And I usually really wouldn't take it personal, but you do it to the point where it just gets on my nerves. But besides all that, you're a great friend. I'm glad we don't fight a lot like we used to.

10) I don't wanna say that our friendship's not the same, because when we hang out, it feels like it is. The only thing that's different is I'm not invited anywhere anymore, well rarely. I usually have to invite myself, or include myself into your plans. And you guys say "Why don't you call us?" I just don't wanna feel clingy. You're still my best friend. And I know during the school year all of it will go back to normal, and we'll go to lunch together, and hang out on the weekends. I'm just worried you think I don't wanna be your friend anymore. I really hope you don't think that. But I'm starting to get the idea that it's you that doesn't want to be friends with me anymore..

11) Hanging out with you guys was always so much fun. We'd go to all these different places, we'd always come up with random things to do, and every weekend was always so epic. You guys made the beginning of sophomore year a lot better since the starting was so terrible. You guys were my first friends that had cars, which was also epic, and we were always hilarious. I'm not really sure why we all stopped hanging out, but I'm hoping this year we all start hanging out more.

12) I feel bad for every saying anything bad about you. Because I used to tell everyone "I really have nothing bad to say about her. I really can't." But all sophomore year I was rude and stubborn. I take it all back. You are a great person. You are one of my best friends. You always have my back. You always are fun to hang out with. You are loyal, and I know that you're gonna be by my side for these next two years. So with that said, thank you for everything. I can always trust you. I just really hope this year you can become a little more independent and treat all of your friends equally. I feel like you put her before everybody else, and it's really not fair. I'm not the only one to notice it, and if it doesn't change, you are gonna start losing people. I just really hope that doesn't happen, because you're such a great person, and you care so much about everyone around you.

13) You are really.. my best friend. That's all there is to it. Nobody else really adds up to how close we are. You care, you show you care, you tell me you care, and you constantly prove that you're never going to abandon me. I know there's so many people that care for me, and a lot of people that would never leave me because they get bored of me. But it happens. Friends change, and friends leave, and friends screw you over. You would never do any of that. I really don't have to worry about any of that with you. We are exactly the same, and at the same time so completely different. We feed off of each others life styles and teach each other so many things. I've said it for years, and I'll still say it, you're the strongest person I have ever met in my life. And you really keep me motivated without even trying. I thank you SO much for everything that you've taught me, and for everything you've done for me. I hate saying anything negative to you, but the only thing I hope you work on is the way you confront people with things. I think when you confront people, you do it out of anger and frustration and don't really think about the way you're saying it, instead of saying it in a more.. (calm?) way. But I know we all do that sometimes, so before I'm just gonna stop there. I'm the most comfortable around you, and I don't think before I talk with you. I just say what ever, you know? We never really argue, which is a huge plus. We usually end up laughing the fight off, because the fight is ridiculous almost 95% of the time. Once again, thank you for everything. I don't know who I'd be, or where I'd be with out you as tacky as that sounds. You have been there through everything. And we have such a great future ahead of us. California, here we come!

14) I don't think you really have your own mind anymore. I was really excited when we first met because I remember thinking "I really like the way he thinks." But I don't even know now. It seems like you don't state your own opinions anymore, you just go along with hers. I wish I could still call you one of my best friends, but we really don't hang out as much as we used to. I know it's not your fault since you work a lot. But it's the same situation. I never feel like I'm invited anymore. For a while you would crack jokes towards me all the time, and I always would just laugh at them at first, but after a while you'd do it all day! And with anything I'd say, you'd reply with another smart ass joke with me. Don't worry I'm not offended by them or anything, it just got annoying after a while, and it seemed like I could never actually talk to you normal. I liked the times when we all used to drive around all night and then when we'd go to drop me off, we'd sit in my drive way for three hours just talking about shit, and then by the time I'd go inside, I'd be in trouble for being out there too long. You're still one of my best friends. And when we do hang out, I'm glad you don't always use me as the joke (haha). I know you don't mean any harm by not hanging out with me that much lately, I understand that you're busy, I just hope we keep talking, and keep hanging out. Because you've shown me, and all my friends some of the best times that I've had all through high school. You're a great person and you put up with a lot of shit that you shouldn't have to put up with. Thanks for everything.

15) We talk again which is nice, and maybe you'll come into eugene a couple more times this year. You still are my best friend. I don't know how much more I can say since it's been about a year since we last hung out.