Tuesday, September 30, 2008

September 30th, thank you!

Now that I have a little bit of closure, things really aren't as bad as I built them up to be. I'm sort of glad you said what you said today. And I'm glad that it pissed me off. Because as weird as it sounds, now it's easier to not care about it as much.

If you really think I use you for your car then you're retarded.
I can't think of anytime where I've asked for a ride when I WASN'T hanging out with you.

And now you're just acting like you're five years old.
"Hey, wanna go to lunch?"
"Why, so I can drive you?.."

Because I have no one else who can drive me, right?
I don't know why you keep acting like that when I'm obviously trying to fix our friendship. It's not gonna get fixed if you keep being annoying like this.

I guess you're just looking for a reason to be mad at me when really, you should be looking at the reasons why I'm annoyed with you.

I'm fine with how every thing's going right now.
No, I'm more than fine with how things are going right now.
I'm having fun. And I'm loving every little bit of it.

I liked today. Even if I just went to Avietas, and walked around and talked with her forever. I loved it. I feel like too many people judge her. When really, if you don't like her, you basically don't like me. It was fun talking to her about the future, and talking about all the little things we're excited for. Then going to Bryants work and making fun of him for two hours.

I like the way things are going.
I like the direction I'm going in.

But really, thank god that September is over.
This month has always been cursed for me.
(Also seems like the month I post the most on here)


Monday, September 29, 2008

Maybe we'll turn it all around

"You seem real unhappy lately"
"Well I'm doing just fine"
"What's wrong?"
"Just tell me what's wrong"
"Nothing, don't worry about it"
"Whenever you come home you go straight to your room, and then I see you the next day for a little bit and I can hardly even get a word out of you"
"I'm just tired by the end of the day"
"Something's wrong whether you want to admit it to me or not. But how are you gonna fix things if you don't let anyone in?"

I know I should probably open up to you more dad. But you give me the typical "dad advice" I've heard it all before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, "You'll find better people." And yeah, okay, "You're a strong person. It's just your age. It's a tough age."

Dad. I'm sorry, but nothing you're saying is anything I haven't heard before.

And mom..

"All you need to do is find what makes you comfortable"
"Yeah but.. right now, I'm not really sure what makes me comfortable"

Mom, I'm finding all different ways, and all different people to make me comfortable and distract me from everything that's fucked up right now. I keep throwing down everything everyone has to say to me and they usually just end up saying, "Well.. I don't know what else to say."

There really isn't anything else to say.
And I guess to fix myself, I'm gonna need to let people help me a little.
I can't be independent forever.

I've never been asked "Are you okay?" As many times as I have today.

Come Around

I feel like we're a lot alike.
And I think I want to get to know you more. I think I want to be friends with you.

But I'm starting to feel like I sort of fail at keeping new people around lately.

It seems like I don't try as hard to impress anyone. And sure that could be a good thing. But to me, it's a bad thing. I've always tried to make a good impression on everyone that I meet, even if I don't care about them. And now it's like.. I really could care less. If I'm in a bad mood, I'm gonna act like an ass. And if I don't like the person, I'm really not going to pretend that I do. Whenever anything is uncomfortable or whenever I'm frustrated with something I keep distancing myself from whoever I'm with.

What I'm talking about now doesn't even relate to what I was talking about at first but, whatever.

The point is, I'm very careless lately, and I'm starting to hurt the people I love.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Come on!

I fucking haaaaaate the look you gave me today
And I hate the fact that you consider "O" as a reply to a text message


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive

All I hear is my parents talking about money
All I can think about is how ridiculous you are and how much I have to say to you
I'm constantly nervous, and I'm constantly worried

My work is piling up
And my head feels one thousand pounds

Everything won't stop spinning

Park that car, drop that phone

I think it's easier to keep people around when you're more.. unexpected.
I feel like the more predictable you are, the more people will get bored with you.
I guess that's my biggest fear with all my friends. I fear that I'm not completely satisfying them. Hell, I'll be whatever type of friend you need me to be.

But hearing you complain about everything
And hearing you say how much life sucks, and how you just want to move one hundred miles away makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I guess I have some things to work on.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'll be your distraction

Everything and everyone is pointing towards me
Every tiny problem of theirs is waiting to be fixed
They're all waiting for me to.. save them I guess

But, hell.. how do I help them, when I can hardly help myself?

Monday, September 22, 2008

One Headlight

Scent is the strongest thing tied to memory.

My walk tonight was nice.
When I first walked out it smelled like rain.
And then when I walked past the garage the air being blown out smelled like dryer sheets and laundry soap. And once I left my driveway I could smell the wet leaves on the ground. And it's cold, but I like wearing sweatshirts and feeling warm. And when I walked through the neighborhoods, there was a scent of smoke from the houses fire places.

It's starting to look, and feel like fall.

Bring on October, please.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

So, this is it?

I guess this really is it.
I guess I've done it again. I've pushed you away.
And once again, I'm only thinking about myself.

At first I was saying "Why stick with something I don't really want?"
But now I'm saying "God damn, every group of friends is gonna have its flaws. Why do I keep letting people down?"


I feel like it really is too late to fix anything. At one point, I did have two different options. But I just kept pushing it out of my mind. Maybe this is good for me, and maybe this is good for you. I really don't know..

But looking at your top friends, and looking at your heroes just ruined my whole day.

I have the most nervous/anxious feeling inside of me.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm gonna try and stop acting like I'm indestructible, because right now, I'm scared about the weight that's gonna be put on me because of my decision to not stay around.

I feel like I'm getting pulled one million different ways by one million different people, and I really don't have anything stable to call mine.

I guess this is the point where somethings yelling at me "Get the fuck up, and keep moving" Because I can't stay stuck on this forever.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Still I stand, no matter what

And here I am, no matter what

No matter what
No matter what
No matter what
No matter what

I'm great at keeping my head up high.
And I'm great at loving everything no matter what situation I'm in.
Every day I walk out my front door in the morning, I know what I have to face, and I think about anything that I'm stressing about, and think about all the things I'm too nervous to face, and then I just say "Fuck it, this is a waste of energy"

In the end it's all gonna be fine.
At the end of the day, I'm fine.
Everything usually balances itself out.
I walk back in through my front door, I sit in my room, I think about everything, and I say, "Damn, I'm good"

Used to be one of the rotten ones, and I liked you for that

I was lying down on my couch in my room tonight for about an hour, just staring at the texture on the celling and trying to make shapes out of it.

When I have time to pause and reflect on everything, I actually think logically.
I actually start to answer questions that I've had for a long time.
I thought about everything you said, and I thought about all the things I thought were cool about you.

Apparently, every word you said wasn't even true.
And I guess now.. I don't really know you at all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth

I guess everyone was right. And I knew they were right.
Blocking things out is actually worse than dealing with the situation when it's right in front of your face.

I guess it all caught up with me tonight.

I'm really bad at handling my anger when I'm at home.
My dad did my laundry tonight and shrunk some of my clothes. I got mad because he said he wouldn't pay me back for the clothes he shrunk. But when he left the house to go on a walk I realized how ridiculous I was being. It's not like he meant to. I do my own laundry most of the time because it bothers me when anybody else does it. He was just trying to do a favor for me. He didn't know he should of washed it with cold water. He was just trying to be nice. I felt like I was 13 years old complaining about my dad shrinking a couple shirts that I've only worn once.

By the time he got home from his walk, he told me he'll pay for them. But by then, I didn't even want him to. I think he knew the reason I overreacted was because of something else. But he didn't ask. He just gave me that look. The look that was saying, "Are you alright?" So I just told him I'm fine, and told him he doesn't have to pay.

It really wasn't about my dad. It wasn't about the shirt.

What it's about is seeing you guys at lunch and knowing that you're probably laughing about who I'm with, and talking about how different I am now. And what it's about is how I shouldn't be doing this, and I should just accept the small problems going on. It's about how I have so many people that care about me, but I don't know how to accept it. I need to make up my mind about what I want to do.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe

I just went on a long walk. And that long walk was followed by a long bike ride with my dad and susan. Walks and bikerides are just a good time for me to have time to myself, and to reflect on the day, and reflect on my plans.

I feel like I'm stuck in between two different places.
And I better make up my mind right now about what I wanna do. Because people aren't going to stick around forever waiting for me to make up my mind.

I know.. I always do this. And I really thought I fixed it.
But once again, I prove to myself that I was wrong.
Once again, history is repeating itself. Once again I'm drifting away from people I love.

I feel like all of this could be fixed with a small talk with each of you, one at a time. But for some reason I'm feeling very unmotivated to fix anything. I guess I'm just getting tired of being the one to "fix things" and I'm tired of being the one who has to explain myself, and the one who has to explain other people for them. I'm sick of having to make decisions and feeling like I'm not aloud to have more than one group of friends.

It's ridiculous.
It's really not fair.

I haven't even done anything, yet already I feel like it's to late to fix anything.
In the car today I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. There was just some awkward tension the whole time, and it made me feel sick.

Everything's still exactly the same. You guys are still the same people.
But why the hell did I feel like I shouldn't be there? Why did I feel like I shouldn't be talking?

Before I draw any conclusions too quickly, I'm once again gonna try and fix things.
Because giving up on people is really starting to become old news.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

Lots of other worlds exist, soon enough we'll tear them open

I feel like we're standing infront of a door to a brand new life.
And it feels like there's millions of opportunities, and good times, and new experiences shoved behind it.

I'm ready to open that door.
I'm ready to let it all in.

Here we go.

It was, what it was, what it was

It's really okay that we're changing.
Because really, we're changing at the same time.
We're both going one step forward at the same time.

We have been ever since we were five years old.

We're being.. young.
We're trying things out.
And we're learning.
And we're perfecting.
We're forgiving.
Not just everyone around us, but ourselves.

We've got plans.
And we have fears.
Friends, and foes.
We have each other.

We're screwing up.
And then we're fixing it.
We're fighting to teach ourselves the lesson from it all.
We're independent.
We're just starting.

We're growing up..

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Switches To Show Something's Missing

I'm glad you guys told me everything you needed to tell me.
Because I was getting tired of feeling like there was so much tension between us.
Yeah, it was sort of awkward even talking about it at first. But we started driving fast, and played a couple lil' wayne songs, and after that it was all back to normal. And it was all forgotten.

I'm glad every thing's fine.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

It's all coming down, but I'm rising up.

I'm scared that I'm gonna lose you. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've just been blocking all of it out of my head. Because that's easier.

When I block it out I can just enjoy everything else, and think about it later.
I know that's not healthy. But once again, I'm gonna block it out, and stop talking about it.

I'm sorry..

I still feel like it's summer. Even if school has started.
I like having friends like you. The ones that have always stuck around. I loved going to the park tonight when it was getting dark and just laying on the basketball court and talking. We always have the best talks.

I love that it was still perfectly warm at 9:00 at night. And how on the walk back we kept running into pockets of cold air. But it was refreshing. And the air smelled so good. It always does when we walk by the wheat fields. Small things like that make me love living in the country.

I'm losing my focus.
What was I talking about?

I got a text from my dad this morning and it just said "Have a good day, Michael"
Okay.. no big deal.. I know.. But me and my dad never used to be like this. I love feeling close with him again. It's nice having such strong support from my family.

I'm so happy..

Too many thoughts mashed together in one post.
I'm going to bed.

I've beat my sleeping problem!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I've been arching every part of me

I can't stop smiling.

You could let me down one million times, and I'd still come running back.
I hope you stick around.

I don't wanna be reminded

One little thing doesn't go the way I planned it, and I freak out.
Fuck that. I worry too much. And this year, my biggest goal, my biggest plan is to let that go.

Everything is fine.
I have so much.
I have everything.

Time to love it all!

Monday, September 8, 2008

My horoscope tells me

"But just because you seem to know what's going on and what to do about it, this doesn't give you the right to force your plan on anyone else."

I think I get it.
I think I know what to do with this plan of mine.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Another year. Here we go.

I have so many good feelings about this year. My first day was already everything that I wanted it to be. I have classes with all these people I know, but don't talk to anymore. And I'm just looking forward to getting to know them.. again.

I like restarting with people.
And just restarting in general.
Even though it's only been a day since school has started, I still feel like a brand new person.

I saw so many people that I held grudges against last year and started to ask myself "why?" I don't know. I don't know why I was against so many people for little things that they did. But the thing is, they remember the things I did and the things I said, and I remember it too, but we let it slip by. It happened, and it really just doesn't matter anymore. I can now look at them for who they are, and stop thinking about who they used to be.

I wish every day felt like this for the rest of the year. So.. new.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

people post

1) I would believe you, but you're always lying.

2) You're a great person to be around, and I think we have a lot in common, but you never follow through. I can't think of one time where making a plan with you wasn't difficult. Despite all that, you're great. There's something about you that makes you very addicting. I hope we can stay close, but I don't know if that'll happen. I know you don't mean to do it, but whenever I ask you to hang out I feel incredibly clingy because I can never get you to reply, and then when you do it's a real short reply. I especially felt like that when I liked you.

3) I miss you. Every little thing you that we argued about in the past really helped me fix things now. I am so grateful for having you as a friend, and I'm happy that we're still friends after all the rough patches we pushed through. That sort of goes out to two different people. Thank you, both of you.

4) I really hope we can become friends. It seems like you're fun to hang out with, and I can tell you're a nice person.

5) I miss hanging out with you. I guess I can't really say we were ever great friends. We hung out a lot since we both had the same mutual friends, we were in the same group. But we always got along, you were always really funny, and before I met you I always really wanted to be friends with you. You're such a great person, and we're both so much alike. I'm gonna make sure we hang out a lot more this year.

6) I'm glad we're friends again. You don't know how much I missed being friends when you stopped talking to me. The reason I made all those changes, the reason I stopped partying, was for our friendship, and I don't know if you really realize that. I mean, of course I did it for myself too, but I really hated the thought of losing a great friendship for something like that. I think you sometimes think I'm being serious when I "freak out" when I'm really joking, and I think you still think I get all worked up over small things and act like "it's the end of the world" like you used to say. But I'm usually never.. serious. I'm usually not as angry as you make me sound. I always watch what I say whenever we hang out, because I feel like it's really easy for you to take it the wrong way, and I sometimes worry I can't tell you things with out you repeating it to someone else, or changing it all up before telling someone else. You're a great friend, and I really am glad that you even gave me a second chance to be your friend. I thank you for picking me back up again. I thank you for getting my life back on track.

7) It's weird that we don't talk anymore. I still feel really embarrassed about the last time we hung out. There's not much else I can say. The way we stopped being friends was really out of no where too. And I don't think either of us really cared that it stopped.

8) You probably think I'm a terrible person. Every time that we plan to hang out I never can. Something happens, or I can't get a ride, or whatever. You told me I'm more flakey now. I miss you a lot. But whenever we would plan to hang out, it wouldn't really be.. a plan. It would be like this:

"Lets hang out tomorrow"
"Okay, where?"
"Um, I'm not sure"
"Okay, when?"
"What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know. We'll figure something out"

And I was always worried that when we did meet up, and hang out, it would be a bunch of "So, what do you wanna do?" And I really didn't want you to think I was boring now. I'm sorry if you think I've changed. And I'm sorry if I let you down. But I think this year, we're gonna grow close again.

9) You're a great friend, one of my best friends. It's always so much fun hanging out with you since we're always up for doing the same thing. And even if we don't make any plans we still have fun just hanging out at your house, or just driving around the city all day. The only thing I've noticed is you start to act a little bit more mean towards me when we get around other people. You'll say embarrassing things about me, or instead of just making a joke, you make it about me. And I usually really wouldn't take it personal, but you do it to the point where it just gets on my nerves. But besides all that, you're a great friend. I'm glad we don't fight a lot like we used to.

10) I don't wanna say that our friendship's not the same, because when we hang out, it feels like it is. The only thing that's different is I'm not invited anywhere anymore, well rarely. I usually have to invite myself, or include myself into your plans. And you guys say "Why don't you call us?" I just don't wanna feel clingy. You're still my best friend. And I know during the school year all of it will go back to normal, and we'll go to lunch together, and hang out on the weekends. I'm just worried you think I don't wanna be your friend anymore. I really hope you don't think that. But I'm starting to get the idea that it's you that doesn't want to be friends with me anymore..

11) Hanging out with you guys was always so much fun. We'd go to all these different places, we'd always come up with random things to do, and every weekend was always so epic. You guys made the beginning of sophomore year a lot better since the starting was so terrible. You guys were my first friends that had cars, which was also epic, and we were always hilarious. I'm not really sure why we all stopped hanging out, but I'm hoping this year we all start hanging out more.

12) I feel bad for every saying anything bad about you. Because I used to tell everyone "I really have nothing bad to say about her. I really can't." But all sophomore year I was rude and stubborn. I take it all back. You are a great person. You are one of my best friends. You always have my back. You always are fun to hang out with. You are loyal, and I know that you're gonna be by my side for these next two years. So with that said, thank you for everything. I can always trust you. I just really hope this year you can become a little more independent and treat all of your friends equally. I feel like you put her before everybody else, and it's really not fair. I'm not the only one to notice it, and if it doesn't change, you are gonna start losing people. I just really hope that doesn't happen, because you're such a great person, and you care so much about everyone around you.

13) You are really.. my best friend. That's all there is to it. Nobody else really adds up to how close we are. You care, you show you care, you tell me you care, and you constantly prove that you're never going to abandon me. I know there's so many people that care for me, and a lot of people that would never leave me because they get bored of me. But it happens. Friends change, and friends leave, and friends screw you over. You would never do any of that. I really don't have to worry about any of that with you. We are exactly the same, and at the same time so completely different. We feed off of each others life styles and teach each other so many things. I've said it for years, and I'll still say it, you're the strongest person I have ever met in my life. And you really keep me motivated without even trying. I thank you SO much for everything that you've taught me, and for everything you've done for me. I hate saying anything negative to you, but the only thing I hope you work on is the way you confront people with things. I think when you confront people, you do it out of anger and frustration and don't really think about the way you're saying it, instead of saying it in a more.. (calm?) way. But I know we all do that sometimes, so before I'm just gonna stop there. I'm the most comfortable around you, and I don't think before I talk with you. I just say what ever, you know? We never really argue, which is a huge plus. We usually end up laughing the fight off, because the fight is ridiculous almost 95% of the time. Once again, thank you for everything. I don't know who I'd be, or where I'd be with out you as tacky as that sounds. You have been there through everything. And we have such a great future ahead of us. California, here we come!

14) I don't think you really have your own mind anymore. I was really excited when we first met because I remember thinking "I really like the way he thinks." But I don't even know now. It seems like you don't state your own opinions anymore, you just go along with hers. I wish I could still call you one of my best friends, but we really don't hang out as much as we used to. I know it's not your fault since you work a lot. But it's the same situation. I never feel like I'm invited anymore. For a while you would crack jokes towards me all the time, and I always would just laugh at them at first, but after a while you'd do it all day! And with anything I'd say, you'd reply with another smart ass joke with me. Don't worry I'm not offended by them or anything, it just got annoying after a while, and it seemed like I could never actually talk to you normal. I liked the times when we all used to drive around all night and then when we'd go to drop me off, we'd sit in my drive way for three hours just talking about shit, and then by the time I'd go inside, I'd be in trouble for being out there too long. You're still one of my best friends. And when we do hang out, I'm glad you don't always use me as the joke (haha). I know you don't mean any harm by not hanging out with me that much lately, I understand that you're busy, I just hope we keep talking, and keep hanging out. Because you've shown me, and all my friends some of the best times that I've had all through high school. You're a great person and you put up with a lot of shit that you shouldn't have to put up with. Thanks for everything.

15) We talk again which is nice, and maybe you'll come into eugene a couple more times this year. You still are my best friend. I don't know how much more I can say since it's been about a year since we last hung out.