Monday, August 31, 2009

I believe in moving on

And what she said to you is right,

"There are over eight billion people in the world. Do not settle for someone who hurts you like that. Because really, you have over eight billion other people to treat you right."

Cameron's words still always stick in the back of my mind. And I haven't gone back and read it again until tonight. He taught me, and pushed me, to move on from everyone that needed to be let go of.

"People die so many times in their lifetime.

The terrible tragedy of life is that people change, and no one wants to accept it. I miss a lot of things, I miss certain moments and people I have had in my life. Sometimes you have to beat yourself to move on from things, and you have to beat yourself just so you don't feel that pain of loss ever again. We lose people more often than people think, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. And we always have to keep moving."

I know it's hard at first, but it gets easier.
I'm happy for you.. Because you're not settling with someone who is reckless with your emotions. And with everbody I have ever walked away from, always in the back of my mind, there was the question, "Did I really need to do this?" But with time you realize how right it was to do. For not just you, but the both of you. It's just hard to see through because we never wanted it to happen in the first place.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Taking steps back from holding it together

Sometimes it's nice to get away from things that become routine.

It's so much nicer to stop listening to the music I usually listen to,
and listen to songs that give me chills, instead.

I've found comfort in being in cities where nobody knows my name this summer. And having only family to turn to when I'm looking for excitement. And you've been by my side experiencing all of it, with me. Through all the adventures. And taking me away from my day by day life.

There is no doubt about it, this has been our best summer.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Future Foe Scenarios

"But when the night is over and the walls start linking
When fire starts to matter and the clocks still sinking
Cliches and other chatter keeps our minds from thinking

Our minds keep thinking it's alright

That's when it turned on me
A motorcade of 'meant to be's’
Parades of beauty queens
Where soft entwines make kindling
These many detailed things
Like broken nails and plastic rings
Will win by keeping me
From speaking to my new darling
And there's no way to know
Our future foe scenarios
That's when it turned on me
Where bobby pins hold angel wings

It's alright"

I badly wish I was at the show tonight. Instead of another night at home by myself. But at least I'm hearing it through my cell phone.

You said, look up and look out

Me and you have the weirdest friendship you will ever find.

I consider her one of the best I have. And she considers me as the only best she has. But we're never together. We live completely different lives. She is at a party every single night. And really, every single night.

Rewind back to the first day we met. She came up to me in science class and said she liked my beanie. I was awkward and just laughed. We went to lunch the next day, not even knowing each other, and she told me the reasons she got sent to Eugene. She opened up to me so much that I was intimidated by her. This was before she was friends with people that she hates. When I was the first person she knew. Ever since lunch that day, every day in Biology class was a joke. We sat in the back making fun of the dumb kids in our class and laughing loudly at everything that happened, getting in trouble each time. Copying each others work to pass the class. She told me I was her best friend.

Last night at the fair she texted me and told me to go to the slingshot. I did. She was drunk. She was with corey, who was drunk. Her four other friends stood far away to the side of us in a circle, they were drunk. She was rambling on about a fight at some party she threw. She went on forever, I stood and listened. She couldn't keep her train of thought because she was interrupted by a text message every 20 seconds, or would pull someone over to talk to her every time someone walked by. I asked her if she's really starting to hang around the girl that kicked her ass at the last party we were at together. She goes, "You know the whole thing.. keep your friends close your enemies closer?" I nodded. "Well that's what I have to do." By the time she looked back, her friends had left her. She told me to wait with her. So me and Syd stood there with her for about thirty minutes until she could get a hold of her friends. It was around closing time when we could of been going on the last couple rides before the night was over. But I didn't mind. And I still stayed with her.

She told me, "No matter what, no matter how weird our friendship is, you have to know that you're still my best friend." She said, "I know I'm drunk, but you know, the truth comes out from alcohol." I told her she has different friends now, and I have different friends now, and we haven't even seen each other all summer. She said, "Fuck it. They're not my friends. None of the people I hang out with are. They're just people I get drunk with." She said they're all fucked up. She was telling me all the people she hates that she has to be friends with, because her friends are friends with them. I know she wants free from them, and this town. She told me how she's already accepted into different colleges in Florida. And I'm so happy for her. Her phone rang and she was told to meet at the farris wheel. I walked with her there and she gave me a hug and told me, "Remember what I told you." Said she loved me. And walked away.

Later that night Syd and I walked past her and her group of friends several times. And each time, her and I would see each other and just keep walking, and looking ahead. But I won't forget what she said. And even if we do live in two different worlds, we still have each other through our last year here.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Remember when I wrote this?

"I never really have the fear of not having anybody to turn to.
It's the fear of having everybody to turn to, but nobody being able to help me. Mostly the fear or having to turn to people to save me. I don't ever want to lose faith in the strength that's inside of me.

What I fear the most, is falling so low that I can't even help myself."

And here we are...

Still waiting for your call

"Did we lose ourselves again?
Do we take in what's been said?
Do we take the time to be
All the things we said we'd be
And we bury heads in sand
But my future's in my hands
It means nothing
It means nothing

You can find yourself a God
Believe in which one you want
'Cos they love you all the same
They just go by different names
When we fly our flag today
Are you proud or just ashamed?

It means nothing
It means nothing

I hope that I'm with you
Cause I wouldn't know what to do

It means nothing, it means nothing
It means nothing, it means nothing
It means nothing,

If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you
If I haven't got you"

Train this chaos, turn it into light

And now I'm feeling like I should be cut out of your life. And it's not because anything that you're doing. But because knowing myself, knowing my ways, I can be such a fucking let down. If anything, I feel like someone like me could only destroy all the beautiful things about you. It's hard saying this because I really don't know how to be without you.

I don't want you to feel trapped. I don't want to be one of the people that hangs in the back of your mind when you're trying to decide what you want. I'll be by your side. And I'll help you focus on what you need. I'll make plans with you, even if they're ones that I'm not involved in. I'll listen to you tell me what you see in your future, even if I'm not one of the things listed. I won't say I'm not scared of you moving to Portland, I am. I can't say I'd be okay, because I wouldn't. But no matter how much I love you, or how much you love me- I want everything you do, to be for yourself. I want you to start focusing on your happiness- and for once not on everyone else.

But I'm scared. And I'm worried. And I love you.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A million hours left to think of you, and think of that

Tonight I turned down an invite to Jacksons with Nick and Kyle just because I haven't talked to Jackson for so long. It probably wouldn't be as uncomfortable as I was making it up to be in my head. I also denied an invite to Micheles party. At her house. We always talked about how much we wanted to have a party there. I didn't want to show up sober, with her drunk with all her drunk friends that I don't even like. Nicks mad that I'm not coming over there, and I wouldn't blame him. I mean, I cancel out so much when it comes to making plans with him. And it's really never on purpose. Something always seems to come up..

Truth is, I'm feeling really lonely lately.

I miss hanging out with Cameron. And all of his friends that I was introduced to through him. And Joseph. And Natasha. And most of all Justin. I spend years wanting the best friendship I've ever had back, and then can't even answer his phone calls because I'm too fucking scared. God, I don't want to even go on listing more. It's too hard. I hate even complaining about this. This is what I created. This was all for the best. I have put myself in the place I'm in right now.

Everywhere I drive past seems to be me driving past a neighborhood of an old best friend. Every part of the city, a memory with someone that I don't have around anymore. Fuck, I've been "best friends" with just about everyone at some point- and don't talk to most of them at all. I'm not even sure what the term "best friends" even means anymore. When I try to make plans with a group, it's like, sure. I have a couple friends here, and a couple there. But none of them are friends too. None of them mix well. It's really narrowed down for me. And I know that half of it is my fault. I pushed most of them away. But is it too late to say that I want a lot of them back?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Love is noise, Love is pain

Over half of your posts would be written after we would get off of the phone, when we'd talk all night. I'd wake up in the morning, log on here, and usually see something written about me. And I know sometimes it's hard for you to express things out loud, but you did it so perfectly through writing.

On April 11th you delete them all. And I can't explain how much that hurt, or how much I wish I could read them again.

But I guess I don't need them. I just miss your words.
I know how good it's been all along. But it's nice to look back and remember.

I love you. I don't even know if you read this anymore.. But I'm sorry for trying to push your words out of you. I know that that's what you used to see as my biggest flaw. How worrisome I was. How I tend to over think everything you say. I just want you to be happy. Last night the silence killed me. And I wanted to keep talking about it, but I knew it needed to be dropped. The only thing I knew how to do was cheer you up and move on from it. Because I knew it was out of my control. But of course, you know me, it's always going to be in the back of my mind. I'm worried about you and I want you to be happy. I know you're strong enough to push through what's coming up and I'll be by your side the whole time.

Exit Here by Jason Myers

"No, Travis. You don't confront people about things that are out of your control. You bury it inside, and move the fuck on. That's how you deal with shit. It makes you stronger. I'll never be weak like my mother."

"We're all fucking weak."
She says, "Just call me a cab."

"This is it son. The future, your future. Just do what I ask of you and listen to me. Quit fighting me."
"I'm not fighting you dad. I'm fighting myself."

"I need her back, Michael."
"No you don't"
"Yes I do. I have to have something again."
"You already have it all, Travis. Everything. What more could you want?"
"I want to go back."
"Because it's the only thing I know."

"My slate will never be wiped clean- This will never fade into the background and become some sort of learning experience or bump in the road. The shit that happened in my life is real. And because I finally woke up to that whole realization much too late- the realization that life really happens and there is always a consequence for your actions- I lost everything, in some sense, but in a weird kind of way, if you flip it all around, I may have gained the most important thing of all: The truth. I can live with that"

Enter apathy.

Both my shoulders are heavy, from the weight of us both

It really sucks that I'm not trusted to be at the house alone. It was uncomfortable coming home to a complete stranger sleeping in our house last night. And knowing they are there for me. It really sucks that I've been gone for two weeks and when you came home today, you yell your face off about a bra you found in the house, blame it on me, only to find out it was just one of Matthews friends that left it in the bathroom after changing. Instead of asking me how my trip was. Instead of welcoming me home. I mean, you didn't even make eye contact with me when you walked in. And the whole trip, I was really anxious to come home. Not because I wasn't having a good time. But because I wanted to see you again, and didn't like how we left things off.

And tonight you just go off on me about what my plans are. And I mean, what the hell. It's summer. Why are you asking me this, right once I walk in the door. You ask me when am I going to start being productive. You settle down. I say I love you. You shut the door. I just want to know where this anger comes from at times like this. On an August night. At 1:00 in the morning.

"Please don't let this turn into something that it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The weight of water,
the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned.
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was "Love"

Friday, August 7, 2009

Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now

I'm where the nights are warm and the days are long,
and when the day is gone the night lives on.

I am hundreds of miles away from home and it feels great.

I loved last night and the boardwalk. And how amazing it looked lit up. Seeing the ocean from the top of all of the rides. And the scent of the salt water in the warm air. The music and the lights.

I love it here. And it's what throws my mind all over the place. Is this the place for me? Where I should come after high school? It's hard thinking about leaving Eugene when it's all I've ever known. It's hard picturing my best friend leaving with out me. The only one that feels like my real best friend. It's all so familiar and comforting to me in Eugene. There is so much adventure here. There is so much I would enjoy here.

Every part of this state I've seen so far, I've loved.
And I really need to keep that in my mind.