Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I make thee best homemade smoothies.
They taste just like jamba.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Keep the rain clouds comin'

I don't even have much to say tonight

On my walk home today there was a hail cloud following right behind me. Now, I don't know how to explain it and still make it sound cool. But basically the cloud was just raining and hailing in on spot. And that one patch of hail and rain was quickly moving towards me as I walked. The road to my house is a straight road, and the cloud was moving straight down the road. Everytime I looked back it was catching up to me, getting closer and closer. And eventually it did catch up and I was hailed and pored on. But I don't know.. it was just cool.


Monday, April 28, 2008


I'm starting over
With everything.
With everyone.

And it feels so great.

There's a million things I could say to so many different people.
There's her, who I don't know anymore.
There's him, who I can't stand anymore.
There's them, who don't even like to say my name anymore.

I've grown too lazy to put up with people that just bring me problems.

But this change, this restart, it's not about other people. It's really about me.
Because this whole year I've held so many grudges, and I've damaged so many people, and I've pushed away everybody. But I did it for my own good. I did it so I could be where I'm at now. Better than ever. As selfish as that sounds, it's true.

I'm done with these grudges.
I'm actually throwing out the bad energy I've had stuck inside of me.

No. It's not small change that nobody will be able to notice at all.
You'll see it. Everbody will. I'm done not giving great people enough credit for how great they really are. My friends are the greatest humans on earth. And they all deserve the world.

I feel so free. And I really feel like a complete different person.
I'm doing whatever the fuck I want and not worrying about it.

I'm nothing but happy right now.
I just wish everybody else around me would feel the same and let go of their bad energy and free themselves.

It's time to live.

You'll still be there

I know how to keep people around

I'll keep you hooked
I'll teach you things you never thought of before
I'll completely change your views towards everything

I'll take over your god damn mind

"To answer a question
It'll probably take more
If you're already there
Well then you probably don't know
Well we were the people
That we wanted to know
And we're the places that we wanted to go
It's hard to get hold of
And hard to let go
Always something we look for
From the day we were born
Instead we're the people that we wanted to know
And we're the places that we wanted to go
Yeah we're the places that we wanted to go
We're the places that we wanted to go"

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Inertia Inertia

Today was just the strangest day for me
All weekend I've been having fun. And I've been with people. And I haven't wanted to go home.

I didn't wanna move.
I didn't wanna be at home.
And I didn't want to be with people.

Which leaves me no option, but to sit around and waste my time.
Not like my dad would've let me go anywhere.

The fact that he thinks he can tell me who I can and cannot hangout with drives me insane. And the way he acts like nothing happened last night drives me insane. I don't think I will ever get along with him.

It's written out and obvious

I'm pushing you away from me

...And it's on purpose

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Is that really all you've got?

Bring it on

I'm fucking indestructible

Friday, April 25, 2008


I get really annoyed when I go through and read my old posts on here.
Just the things I said. The way I talked. The people I wrote about.

...So annoying

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I've suffered a swift defeat, I'll endure countless repeats

"It's all for them"
"It's all for them"
"It's all for them"
"It's all for them"
"It's all for them"

I'm no longer doing things for myself.
But for everyone else.

I'm not living for myself.

There is no comfort in this lifestyle.

I'm just waiting for things to turn around.
I really wish you'd listen to what I'm trying to say.

We can't keep living like this.

...We can't keep living by everybody elses needs.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

You are the strength inside of me

I don't want you to leave tomorrow. It's really not easy to say bye. It never has been easy. There hasn't been one time where I haven't cried when I had to say goodbye. Well except that one time when I had to sit next to that nun on the plane. And I forced myself to hold in the tears because I thought it'd be awkward to cry in front of her, and I didn't want her to talk to me or ask me what's wrong. You always laugh at that story.

This week has brought us all so close. I mean, you and I have always been close. Always. You are the closest thing to me in this world. But it brought you and David together again. You both have such a good relationship. And he has always needed you so much. And you've always needed him so much. And I still can't believe that this week was the first time that you guys have spent together in a couple years. Just you two. This visit meant so much to him. I can just tell. Tonight is the first time I have heard him cry in five years. I find it incredible how clos we are to you, Mom. You care so much about us. You constantly worry that we're not happy enough, or you haven't done enough for us. When in reality, we are the happiest when we are with you. And you give us every thing that we need. You're the reason why we are such great people.

And even though I'm gonna see you this summer. I'm really going to miss you like I always do. I'm gonna miss you constantly repeating yourself, and the way you bring up conversations out of no where an hour later, and your late reactions, and messing up your Subway orders, and watching movies and laughing with you. Watching old home videos with you and Matthew was probably the best part of the trip. I know you loved it too. I could tell by the way you were smiling the whole time while watching them and you started to zone out everything around you as if you were feeling the feelings you felt back then in the videos. As if you were really there again. And your eyes were watering up, and you said how much you loved those days. I loved those days too. Plus it was fun laughing at all of your haircuts over the years. And Matthew and Davids stylish bull cuts.

I'm so happy for you. You found the love of your life this year. You're now Kari Steadmen. The talk I had with you tonight was so great. Because you let me know how great you're doing. You always talk about how good he is to you, and how complete you are. That makes me feel so much better. Knowing you're loving you life, makes me love mine even more.

I can't wait to see you again.

I love you so much.
No matter what.
No matter how far away.

Auto-piolot mode

I should be working.
But instead I'm gonna post.
I hate blogspoting in this class. It feels like all the people sitting around my desk are reading what I'm typing and its uncomfortable. So I'm constantly switching to a different page and minimizing this one.

The only good thing about this week is my mom's in town. Eveything else sucks. And everybody's crancky. And it seems like there's no fun anymore.

Maybe it's just me.

I just wanna have as much fun as I had the first half of this year.
And have as much fun as I did last month and the month before that. And I know this summer we're going to have the times of our life. But I'm tired of waiting. And it feels like we're in auto-piolot mode until then.

My mom's leaving tomorrow. Which is really going to suck. It's been so much fun having her here. And staying at Davids house. Last night we stayed at Matthews. Matthew, 98% of the time you're an ass. Last night you weren't. Good job? David and I are nothing like Matthew and I. I thought by now Matthew would try and get along with me. Guess not.

To sum it up, when my mom goes back home to Idaho, everything's going to suck again.

By the way: my texting was turned off.

It makes things REALLY difficult

Monday, April 21, 2008

Third Planet

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over
My boss just quit the job says he's goin' out to find blind spots and he'll do it
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched by an eye in the sky that can't be stopped

When you get to the promise land your gonna shake that eye's hand
Your heart felt good it was drippin' pitch and made of wood
And your hands and knees, felt cold and wet on the grass to me
Outside naked, shiverin' looking blue, from the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon

Baby angels fly around you reminding you we used to be three and not just two
And that's how the world began
And that's how the world will end"

Modest Mouse in May!

Saturday, April 19, 2008


My mom's gonna be here in about 4 hours.
I can even describe how excited I am.

Weird to think that the last time I saw her was last summer.
Walt (my step dad) couldn't make it. He got called into work by surprise. And he called me and apologized this morning. It was nice. I'm not even mad about it. I mean yeah, I'm disappointed because I wanna meet my step dad. But it's not his fault that he can't come. And it's really nice of him to give my mom all of that money to spend on us while she's down here. Even though I don't let her spend money on me.

I want it to be 5:00!

I'm going craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Hopefully Matthew will act normal when he hangs out with me and her. His bad moods get old. Real quick.

Friday, April 18, 2008

In second period

I really don't like this computer class. I liked free second period a lot more. And now that I think about it, that free period, was my last free period. I'm not taking any for the rest of they year (since the year's almost over) and I'm not taking any next year. Full schedules until I get all my credits done with.

We're doing these speeches right now.
Everybody that went had a really boring presentation.
Not like mine is going to be any more lively. Mine will be just as boring as everyone else.

I wish someone would do something unexpected in their presentation though. I need some entertainment.

I'm almost 100% sure today's the day that I'm getting my computer taken away.
Because I'm almost 100% sure that grades will be coming to my house today.
And I'm almost 100% sure my dad's going to be disappointed in me. And tell me that he's disappointed in me. That itself, is worse than a punishment. In fact, that itself, is a punishment.

I'm not going anywhere or doing anything after school I don't think.
I'm going home. Jacob wants me to go with him and his friend but I don't really want to. Since I don't know his friend. And I'd be all awkward and uncomfortable. I know I wouldn't mix well with whoever it is. Caitlins mom is making her come home. And Ramsey has work. And Camish is babysitting.

Mom's coming into town tomorrow! I'll be staying at my brothers house with her from Thursday to Saturday. I'm so excited.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

We don't fit

We really aren't as alike as you think we are.
Why do you think we fight every day and everytime we see each other?
I've tried to pretend that our personalities are the same.
And I've tried to put up with all the small things you do that piss me off.
But in the end, we are nothing alike. We are complete strangers. You have no idea who I am.

You always tell me it's ridiculous how I change and adjust the way I act around every single one of my friends. And you're right. It is ridiculous. I should of acted like myself when I first met you. And quite honestly I don't think you'd like "the real me"

I feel like I've been dedicating so much of my time to a stranger.
And that's probably the weirdest feeling, ever.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Into The Wild

Probably my favorite movie.
I've been wanting to see it ever since the first time I saw the preview.
Finally did. And it's so great.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Always True

My horoscope yesterday:

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
You may feel as if you are being pushed to act against your will. Although others may not realize that you are resisting, they have no idea how stubborn you can be when you set your mind to something. Remember that it's healthier to discuss your concerns than to give someone your inflexible silent treatment. There is a middle ground to discover.

They're always so true that it's scary.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Laughing Aloud -David Ford

Eight weeks in the city, And you've never looked so pale.
They say the pure of heart don't stand a chance.
And you'd better learn to swim, cause there will be rainy days.
I'm blinded the brake lights, well there's nothing moving here.
And all your burning questions, they just get answered with another one.
And there's no help at all.

So question me no questions, it's a pointless enterprise.
You ask and I'll only tell you what I think you want to hear.
Oh mind the whitest lies.

Cause the truth, well it's for students for philosophy.
And faith is for losers like us.
And secrets are for people who intend to get away with being in the wrong. So don't you breath a word.

But save your breath, for the laughing aloud, again.
Save your breath, for the talking all night. Oh.
Save you breath, for the laughing aloud. Again.
Save your breath.
Save your breath.

Will you listen to their bleeding hearts? Pretend to show concern.
And so we glanced our watches and join in as everybody sings, "Oh what have we become?"

Will you hop a train to anywhere?
It sure ain't no place like home.
Where there are no strangers, only people you don't wanna know.

But before the crying out loud,Just save your breath.
For the laughing aloud, again.
Save your breath, for the talking all night. Oh.
Save your breath, for the laughing aloud. Oh.
Save your breath, save your breath.

So meet me by the station, and bring a change of heart.
And smile away the old country as we watch it dissappear.
And pull these years apart.
And scatter from the window, to settle on the fields.

And tell yourself a hundred times that forever starts today, and think how good it feels.

Save your breath,
For the laughing aloud, again.
Save your breath, for the talking all night.

Save your breath, save your breath.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

You still exist

And yes, I still search for importance and reasoning in every little thing.
But in the end, I always found it in you.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


It was so nice hanging out with Rayven and Jimmy again.
I forgot how much I missed going to his house, going to the park, and laughing really hard at pictures. It was so nice catching up. And it was nice having a night like the old times. And the weather made the day 10 times better. 80 degrees out. Hell yeeeaah.

"Smiles light up as we walk in
Old conversations begin again
Nostalgia's thick in the August air
It takes us back to a time when we didn't care, we didn't care"

All you’ve got you can like it

But what I am, you will love it

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


I should go to bed
But instead I've been looking through my old itunes and listening to the songs that I loved in 8th grade.

"So I'll run away to the hopes that I have
But still I fall asleep in the arms of my past
And when I wake so helpless, and thinking of that, just lay back down again"

My mind isn't my own

I don't know how to make decisions on my own anymore.
I don't understand why I'm always looking for every ones approval for everything that I do.

Stop it. Stop it.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

David Ford

You are genius

Monday, April 7, 2008

Spill them to me

I love when people think that they have a secret
And they think only them, and their group of friends know about it.

But really I know ALL about it. So when they talk about it out loud in front of people and think NOBODY knows what they're talking about, I do.

Yes yes yes

I would stop time to stay with you

I promised myself that I wouldn't listen to "Dakota" or "Last Summer" until the summer time. But I broke the rules and listened to them tonight. They both trigger so many memories.

I want to go back to Pierce. To the best days of my life.
I miss being up there. Being free. Feeling infinite. Living with my mom.

I miss those days. And I miss those nights. And I miss our mixed CD's, our night drives through the forests, our huge boxes of Bazooka gum, our Sunkist slushies, our trips to Silverwood, floating down the creek on inter tubes that always seemed to pop, and the nights where we'd stay up until 4:00 in the morning. My mom is my real best friend. And I know I've talked about this so many times but I think about it every day.

I miss my real home.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Nothing is standing in my way

I feel so accomplished and on top of everything.
I'm getting caught up in school. I made peace with my dad. I just cleaned up my room which makes me more relaxed, not like it was even that messy.

I'm ready to continuously work hard this week.
I'm not even doing this for my dad. I just want to feel proud of my grades.

My phone just went off. Bye! Goodnight.

Let the world spin madly on

When you think about it, we're all actually a lot alike. We may all have different views and opinions, but when it comes down to it, we all still function the same as the next person. We're all trying to get by, and we're all trying to make sense out of this mixed up world

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Delirious and disoriented

My little "cold" this morning has gotten so much worse.
Everything is spinning. I can't stop shivering. My eyes won't stop watering. I slept for four hours. My face feels like it's 200 degrees. But my throat is starting to stop hurting.

I'm soooo delirious right now. I keep spelling things wrong and having to re-type it. I don't understand how I'm even writing anything right now. But my step moms laptop is right next to me. And nobodys online. Because everyone else is out having fun (like I should be)

I seem to generate the strangest thoughts when sleeping and when I wake up from sleeping. I had the weirdest dreams but I can't remember them. And when I woke up I rushed to get up because I thought I had to go to school.

I'm gonna go eat something. And then sleep again. My dad thinks this is just a cold or that I'm over-acting it. Ha!


Another day grounded
I was supposed to hangout with Rayven and Jimmy and Kyle today
And this morning Camish and Jimmy and I were gonna go to saturday market.

I know my dad's a good dad.
But it's really hard to treat him nicely with his constant punishments.

This weekend has been the worst. And I'm sick *thank you chelsea* I kid I kid I joke I joke. But really this is the worst sickness. My eyes hurt. My throat hurts. My head hurts. Everything hurts. And I feel hellla dizzy.

I got my hair cut. I like it.

We can't stay to fade away

"Build it up
tear it down
there is nothing left to say

Should we go?
should we wait?
no one wants to waste away"

dream dictionary


To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I'll block it out

I really don't care what anybody says about this one.
I've made up my mind. This is what I want. And I don't know if it's the right decision, and I don't know if it'll lead to disaster, and I don't know if I'm messing up.

But I'm about to find out.

And for once I'm not going to change my decision because somebody else doesn't agree with it. I'm going to disregard whatever happened before. And follow what I want now.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Music For a Nurse - Oceansize

And a piece of the pictures bitten right out of the middle
I'm alone, and thinner I feel
Is this a prayer?
Anaesthetise me just til you return
I feel the loss like a squandered opportunity to whisper
You're all I ever needed.

Shapes fall into place
For once in your life you make a clean breakaway.

And did you know that everything you touch is blessed and all the richer
For your love a better being
And if I display just a fraction of the soul you showed in this world
Then I know, I'll see you again

Love, so much to give
And too few to share it with
Wastes you away.

The dream it comes again and again
You're here
It's you
I pull you close and hold you tight
Into the sky you go
You go
And I can't change it
I can't change it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

It seems like a lot of the time when people say "I don't care"
They really mean the complete opposite