Thursday, July 14, 2011

Beautiful Life

I love reading through old posts. For better or worse. They all make me feel good.
And help remind me exactly what I believe.

And how far I've come.

Taking a realistic view and cultivating a proper motivation can also shield you against feelings of fear and anxiety. - Dalai Lama

I am letting go of all passive aggressiveness in my life and mind. That train of thinking really just brings anger to me. To stay present, and to be honest is is so important. I promise myself to be honest with what I feel when I need to, and to keep my intentions clear...

Because everything else will only lead you to what you don't want.
An open heart is an open mind.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I've gone about two weeks without talking to my mom which really isn't normal for us. But the last few days we have. Sometimes I have to remind her about what we talked about the night before. When I call I always know what sort of mood she's in by the sound of her voice. Most days, she's sounding depressed. And others I can hear the slur in her words. It really doesn't get to me much.

I can't control how I feel tonight though. I want to visit her now that she's in recovery from her surgery. She's lonely lately. I can hear it more and more every time we talk how much she needs to see me. I originally wanted to pay for this ticket. I've been wanting to do that for a while now... Just surprise her. Call her and tell her that it's all lined out, and tell her no when she offers to pay me back. She ended up deciding to pay for the ticket, I told her I'd call her back when I had all the information lined up to where I just have to enter her card number. I picked the dates, I picked my seat, I was so excited. Not a whole lot can really excite me as much as going to see my mom. I've been really looking forward to this. I don't see anybody anymore, but I'm sort of starting to feel uneasy with the fact that I'm still here, I'm not doing anything with my time, and I have people trying to get a hold of me that I'm mostly turning down. I'm not ready to give myself, until I feel in control of my own life. Until I get back up on my two feet. I don't feel like I want to stay in this town anymore. I know that's not an option right now... But getting away was a perfect one. My moms house frees me from everything.

When I called her back she was crying. She dropped the phone down next to her and all I heard was screaming and yelling, and her voice was so much more slurred than it was before we hung up. She's saying to Walt please don't. He's asking her to just leave him alone. When she grabbed the phone, "Michael we'll, let's, can we, lets plan this tomorrow." I said okay. "Walt's leaving me. He just walked out the door. He's leaving. He's not coming back." Her voice fades out and she's balling again. It's a knife in my heart when I hear my moms voice when she's crying.

Just last night she called me all upset thinking I was being sent away from my dad since I was fired from both of my jobs. No matter how much I told her it wasn't true, and how much I kept telling her I see this as a blessing, she put this whole situation together in her head that nothing was okay. I didn't get it. I kept thinking maybe there's something I should be worried about... Why was she so afraid? When she called again this morning she hardly remembered the conversation, but was filled in by Walt that she was just taking what was real and making it into something so much worse. I felt like tonights situation was the same. I think Walt needed space. I think he wanted to be away from her when she was drunk. I tried telling my mom that. I know she was just drinking more in between every time we got off the phone. I told her she needs to stop. Which might of been pointless... She was already drunk. She told me she wants to die, and told me to leave her alone. She hung up the phone and she unplugged the line. What scared me about this was that's something my mom would never do, or say to me. She knows how much I love her. And she loves me all the same. She's just upset... Don't take it personal. But my heart was beating so fast and I couldn't stop crying, or catch my breath. I called back again about 20 minutes later and she finally answered. I wanted her to know Walt ism't going to leave her. She said she was leaving. I kept asking where, and she wouldn't tell me. Now my hearts accelerating even faster than before and I want to scream at her but I can't even put into words. I just keep listening to her "I'm leaving, I'm not staying here. I can't stay here. I don't know what to do with myself." I'm yelling at her, "You're not going anywhere. You're not driving." She told me a friend was coming to get her, but she wouldn't tell me her name. We spent a good ten minutes arguing back and fourth until she could tell me who was coming to get her. I kept asking her why she had to lie to me. "Michael I'm gonna go. If I stay here I'm not going to be okay." I started telling her how much I love her, and how much Walt loves her and she interrupts me, "Walt won't love me anymore... I want to swallow a whole bottle of pills." I set down the phone and I started crying. I wanted to hang up at this point, because she was just hurting me, but I couldn't. I heard the front door open and while my mom was saying she loved me, but she had to go, I asked to talk to whoever was there.

A lady that lives down the street from her, one of her good friends, Cindy answered the phone. I was crying to much to talk, and I couldn't even think of anything to say, but the fact that someone was there to get her was enough for me. I told Cindy, just let her know that her Walt and I love her more than anything in the world.
"I'll do that. Your moms in good hands. She'll be okay." And that was it. She left me the phone number she'll be at, and I called once, but they didn't answer.

I'm disappointed in my mom. And always letting the alcohol take control, and always choosing worse case scenario over thinking things through, every single time. I was yelling so loudly until my voice was strained, I was scaring my dad and Susan in the house tonight because they didn't know what was going on. Because of the fact that my mom wouldn't give me a name of who was coming and getting her. I had to assume she was lying, I had to assume she was going to leave, and drive somewhere again. Until Cindy came on the phone I was terrified that I would never hear from her tomorrow. Am I just the same as my mom when it comes to my anxiety? Now I'm sitting here waiting for her call. I can breathe now, because I know she's safe. But I don't want to go through this with my Mom every night. I wish she could chose our love over the bottle. I wish I could know that I'm going to be leaving in just a couple days on a plane to be with her. My dad tells me that I can't keep doing this to myself. He brings up that maybe there's a reason David backed away from her. But I could never imagine. I would never let her go through life without me. I know that's her biggest fear, losing all of us. It's my biggest fear too. Nothing would feel right without my mom. But I don't know how many more days I can go through my life with my worry for my mom constantly in the back of my mind. I take it all on to myself. And I know tonight I can't fall asleep, and I just want to feel okay.

I just want her to remember that she is loved. Despite what she has done. Despite what has ever happened. She doesn't have to be afraid anymore...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A simple plan for life is change, find yourself the nicest range, then you see the light...

I spend more time running around on my own lately, and staying at my parents house simply because I'm not as interested in some of the friends or the lifestyle I'm around now or have been around for too many years. It's okay to be bored, or to want something new, or to not stay with something just because it's all you've got at the time. I remember living by the day, and I remember being with people who didn't complain so much about who or what they don't have, what they don't want. We were already happy and entertained with each other. We didn't bring people in and out that we had no interest in, just so we had people around. We didn't get thrills off conflict, or carefully work around each others feelings so we don't offend. Where we didn't move at a slower pace cause we weren't busy reflecting back on things that have happened. It never had to feel so forced just to enjoy ourselves and we didn't worry so much about representing ourselves or our pride the wrong way, because we didn't take ourselves so seriously all the time.

I'd rather walk out on my own, than settle for what doesn't make me happy.

As long as I can stay focused and happy going towards what I do want, I believe I'll get settled in on something I feel more than right with. I don't think it's that I'm never pleased. I just want the best for myself. Sometimes you can't have it all at once, but there shouldn't be so many acceptations... What I desire is what I deserve.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I think it's safe to say that my biggest problem has always been I don't let myself completely pursue, enjoy, or even think about something until I know it's the right decision, or if it fits for someone else.

I think at some point I lost trust in my life. And I tried to take control of almost every aspect. Manufacturing it so I would never have to come across something that would bring me back to this emotionally vulnerable person I have been constantly trying to forget existed. Being shielded makes you feel like you have something to look out for. Instead of having faith in myself, I tried to keep myself in line. I don't believe that's living.

It's exhausting to work around other peoples feelings before you handle your own. And I think that truly has continued to batter me down as a person. It's scary to think that being too selfish might leave you alone. Do I really have to worry about that? Doing good for me has been my main focus lately. It's really easy to get wrapped up in perspectives. All of a sudden you're watching yourself through every eye in the room. I try to remember to always make myself the most comfortable everywhere I go, and comfort will surround me back. It proves every time. That confidence in yourself is the most important thing you can conquer. It can get you anywhere.

I give myself as my second option, it makes it so easy to find my way out. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm happier without people. I think I do have weaknesses in the form of friends. I think I always have. I have a lot of people that doubt me. But criticism scares me and moves me. There's people who are really just trying to push the best out of me, and people who are trying to point out the worst. It's getting a lot easier to pick and chose what's good for me and what's not. But sometimes it's hard to narrow it down... what you really prefer, what's really a problem, and what's worth waiting out.

Before Cammisha left for Portland we drove around for about an hour in my car talking about this and that, but mostly our living situations. She said she was afraid of what I was going to become without her. She said, "I think there's a lot of people in your life that don't see the beauty in the person you really are." I disagreed because I had a lot of people who loved what I was. But it took me a while to figure out that I wasn't always being real with myself. It's hard to get respect for the person you are, when you don't know who you're even being. That sounds so stupid, but I've spent a lot of time trying to make myself a perfect match for everybody I'm faced with. I'm gifted with it. But it became much more than just a habit. The more I pretended, the more I drew in things and people that I didn't want. I'm done dimming myself down for any negativity in somebody else. We are all fixated on what we want, and I don't think you should ever try to change somebodys mind.

I finally have trust back in my life and in my instinct.
If I ever thought that it isn't possible to be happy with yourself if at all moments somebody else isn't, I was so wrong.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"When are you happy?"
"Maybe I give off the impression that I'm never happy."

"I'm not happy in the club. I'm not happy in the movie theater. I'm happy when I'm doing things that I never thought I could do, but that I prayed that one day I would be able to do."

"My happiness doesn't come from money...or fame. My happiness comes from seeing life without struggle."