Sunday, February 20, 2011

I think it's safe to say that my biggest problem has always been I don't let myself completely pursue, enjoy, or even think about something until I know it's the right decision, or if it fits for someone else.

I think at some point I lost trust in my life. And I tried to take control of almost every aspect. Manufacturing it so I would never have to come across something that would bring me back to this emotionally vulnerable person I have been constantly trying to forget existed. Being shielded makes you feel like you have something to look out for. Instead of having faith in myself, I tried to keep myself in line. I don't believe that's living.

It's exhausting to work around other peoples feelings before you handle your own. And I think that truly has continued to batter me down as a person. It's scary to think that being too selfish might leave you alone. Do I really have to worry about that? Doing good for me has been my main focus lately. It's really easy to get wrapped up in perspectives. All of a sudden you're watching yourself through every eye in the room. I try to remember to always make myself the most comfortable everywhere I go, and comfort will surround me back. It proves every time. That confidence in yourself is the most important thing you can conquer. It can get you anywhere.

I give myself as my second option, it makes it so easy to find my way out. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm happier without people. I think I do have weaknesses in the form of friends. I think I always have. I have a lot of people that doubt me. But criticism scares me and moves me. There's people who are really just trying to push the best out of me, and people who are trying to point out the worst. It's getting a lot easier to pick and chose what's good for me and what's not. But sometimes it's hard to narrow it down... what you really prefer, what's really a problem, and what's worth waiting out.

Before Cammisha left for Portland we drove around for about an hour in my car talking about this and that, but mostly our living situations. She said she was afraid of what I was going to become without her. She said, "I think there's a lot of people in your life that don't see the beauty in the person you really are." I disagreed because I had a lot of people who loved what I was. But it took me a while to figure out that I wasn't always being real with myself. It's hard to get respect for the person you are, when you don't know who you're even being. That sounds so stupid, but I've spent a lot of time trying to make myself a perfect match for everybody I'm faced with. I'm gifted with it. But it became much more than just a habit. The more I pretended, the more I drew in things and people that I didn't want. I'm done dimming myself down for any negativity in somebody else. We are all fixated on what we want, and I don't think you should ever try to change somebodys mind.

I finally have trust back in my life and in my instinct.
If I ever thought that it isn't possible to be happy with yourself if at all moments somebody else isn't, I was so wrong.


stephanie said...


a friend wrote me some time ago, that in a way it's good to be selfish.
That in the first place you have to think and act in behalf of yourself, that actually you do others a favor by being selfish.
Because if you don't think about yourself, in the end others will have to do so. If you take care of yourself, you do it also for them.

It's not easy to put into practice if you're not used to, but I think there's a lot of truth in it...


Michael Fitzgerald said...

I love what you said. And you're absolutely right.