Monday, May 10, 2010

Wandering

Fall asleep in a comforter nest.
The room is yellow, and the windows are dentist white.
I smell the ghost of your dinner.
And the space heater's glowing like a miniature gate to hell.
I hear the dogs as I dress myself.

And pen a letter on the back of a paper plate.
It tells you that I'm gone now, and I'm sorry if I don't make it back.

Well, I know it's a good life.
Yeah, I know it's a good life.
But I gotta keep moving.
I was made to keep moving.


And I know it's a long shot. It was always a long shot.
But I'm trusting my aim now. Yeah, I'm trusting my aim.
And I know it's a good life.
Yeah, I know it's a good life.
But I gotta keep moving. Gotta stay on the move.

I had a dream but I called it a plan.
A string of hopes that I figured would serve me well.
But then the dream turned sour.
Sometimes delusions ain't the comfort you want them to be.
Now I'm broke and my luck's run out.

My new acquaintances will never be someone to trust.
The house is now a graveyard.
And it's hard to fall asleep with no one watching your back.

Well, you got my name. Now it's all the same.
It don't mean much, but you can have it all.
And I sold my heart for another start.

I had my fix but I shouldered it off.
And now the price is a big one.

Well, I had me a good life.
Yeah, I had me a good life.
But I had to keep moving. I was made to keep moving.
And I know that I messed up. Yeah, I know that I messed up.

But I still gotta keep moving. Yeah, I still gotta move.
And oh, my mind is made up, and I'm no different now.
But I follow the questions, because I'm bored with the answers.
I'm bored with the answers.


Sure, I miss a lot. And I'm no better off.
But sitting idle ain't a thing I was built for.
I gotta keep moving. I gotta stay on the move.
I gotta...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This hearts on fire, this hearts on fire

Sometimes my mom still calls me crying, and sometimes she tells me she's lost hope. Sometimes I still get my priorities mixed up, and I still get scared of what I'm doing. Every once in a while it feels like all I really am doing is filling up my time with not much, and I'll wish I could see life as it is, instead of seeing everything as progress. And all the time I think of you, but it's getting easier. And the more I look back the more it starts to feel like a different lifetime.

Because it's no longer made up by the way it's played out, and neither am I. I don't hold my love so close, and I'm not so cautious with putting it where it belongs. I'm not who loves me. I'm not my friends, or who I've known. It was nothing but comfortable when I stepped outside for a cigarette with jacob, and I'm not scared anymore to walk into a room full of people. I'm not stuck in something I made myself into. Now I'm laughing and loving and not expecting so much for myself. I'm motivated to step out into all the possibilities, and surround myself with what I deserve. I'm not being disolved from doubt, and I'm not afraid of lost progress.

Sometimes even just waking up feels new.
And my days pass by in a different way.
As I sat in Susans office today, it felt unlike anytime before. The blinds were open and the sun was shining in. She said, "Sometimes we all need a chance to start over." But starting over isn't what this is about, and it's not what I need.

I'm just learning how to grow and memorizing all of the things I've learned.
It's getting better all the time.. It's getting better all the time..