Monday, January 26, 2009

Mishaps are mishaps, bygones will be bygones.

Forgetting is harder than forgiving.

And sometimes,
it feels good to give in.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

You're the first thing, and the last thing on my mind

I hate this whole situation, and how I feel right now.
I've gone from being in shock, to being pissed, to being depressed.

It's really hard loving someone but having so much anger towards them at the same time. And what's even worse is that it feels like I'm in the wrong for caring so much. It feels like it's wrong of me to want this back. The other day I was thinking about how happy I am and how I always have something to look forward to. You gave me so much to look forward to. I was looking forward to the summer. When you'd be ungrounded. And when you could finally escape from your dad. And I looked forward to next month when I'd get to come pick you up whenever since he would be out of the country. And now I just feel so disappointed.

I think I need to keep in mind why I'm angry though.
That's something I really shouldn't forget. Because finding out about the things that I was lied to about was important. I needed to hear all of that. Because maybe I can't trust you as much as I want to.

But I don't want to settle with the fact that we're done.
And I really don't want to go back to that person again. That hateful person that doesn't put trust into anybody.

You really were good for me. Or at least I think you were.
But last night I saw a side of you that I've never really seen before. You seemed heartless, and careless, and troubled, and for once it actually felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. I hate when people say to me, "I know how you feel. That was just a waste of time." That's not how I feel and it wasn't a waste of time. Nobody is a waste of my time. She was not a waste of my time. If anything she bettered me into a person that I liked being. I was really happy.

I just don't know now.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Cloudy Days

I'm so happy that you messaged me.

"I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry for everything that happened between us,
that I let some stupid guy come between our friendship,
and that I was so rude about that whole thing"

All of high school I couldn't quite grip the fact that we weren't friends anymore. It all happened because of your boyfriend. I hate him for taking away all of your friends. And I have to admit that I'm happy that you guys are apart now. But I guess the reason we stopped being friends was a lot of my fault, too.

For the last three years I've tried a lot to just get some closure with you.
I tried adding you on myspace a couple times, and every time you'd deny it. Whenever I would be with mutual friends of ours that were texting you, I'd tell them to tell you I said "hi" and you'd usually just say "oh, hi" or switch topics. I guess it got easier for me to accept, and after a while I just stopped caring. But I knew there would always be a reserved spot inside of me for our friendship. I knew that I would take it back any day.

It sounds sort of weird, but the thing I loved the most about our friendship was your house. I loved being at your house. In the summer. In the winter. It was always so comfortable. It was perfect. The big front porch with the swinging bench. The big red door. Your big bathroom with the old fashioned bath. The upstairs that we always thought was haunted. Your huge backyard with so many random things and the broken down cars your dad seemed to always be working on. Every time I drive by it so many memories come back. I always remember spending rainy days there. We'd spend so much time in the living room with all of your cats. I loved how it was such an old house, but so nice at the same time. And I always remember that time in the summer when we went into your dads old car and you pushed back the front seat, and I layed in the back seat with the cracked leather. And we rolled down the dirty windows and let the summer air in while we told scary stories or something ridiculous like that. So many childhood memories were with you. You were really a big part of my past.

I remember all of your secrets, your weaknesses, your strengths, your insecurities, your words, and your fears. I feel like I still know you as much as I always have. And I feel like if we did start to talk again, it wouldn't be hard to get caught up from what we've missed.

I replied to your message, and you haven't read it yet. But I'm really excited to see what happens next. I'd be so happy to be able to start over again with you. It'd be the greatest thing if you came back into my life again.

Waiting for the pages turn

I just want you to know that you do matter.
No matter what anybody says, and no matter what you believe, I just want you to know that one thing. You're amazing. And I love you.

I really hope you can block him out of your head. Because I know what it's like to have someone you care about so much break you down to feeling like nothing. It's terrible. And I guess this is his overdone tough love. I don't understand it.

Just please keep loving yourself, and remember the people that love you.
Keep that voice in the back of your head that tells you he's wrong.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Looking for the payback, listen for the playback

I could stop myself right now. Right here. Stay exactly how I am in my hopeful disposition. But all the signs are just showing me how terribley this is going to end up. This is probably the best thing I could possibly do right now. It's all I've ever used as my back up plan all of my life. It's been my biggest shield, my biggest protection, my escape, and my shortcut through everything.

Before I get even more attached, before I get letdown again, before I lose a little bit more of myself, I think it's time to push myself to keep moving on.

Because really, that's the way I've always done it.
That's all I've ever known.

The more you leave, the less you lose.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This isn't my breakthrough

This is really annoying. Everyone pointing me which direction I need to go. Everyone talking about how much I'm messing up. The fact that the only time my parents have talked to each other in years is to do check ups on me, without me knowing. The fact that people act like I don't know what the real world is like, or what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or who I am, or how I treat people, or what consequences I'll have to face. I know it all. But can't everyone just let me tear down and fix things myself? Sometimes I am going to be out of control and reckless, and I'm going to learn from it. But everything I'm doing to this family is out of anger.

Let me just say that I don't have control over a whole lot.
I hardly have control over myself.

But I know what I'm doing. I don't need it written out for me, I don't need any guilt trips. This is the way things have been for the last four years. It's just now everyone around me is trying to take control of it, take control of me, and trying to "help" me. Nobody gives me enough credit. One thing that really bothers me is when people try and tell me what I'm thinking. I don't feel guilty. And whether that's wrong, or right, that's how it is. I'm not going to change things up or fake anything by saying that I do. Because I'm not going to say it until I mean it. One day my dad and I will get along, and maybe then I can look back and say, "The way we acted towards each other is ridiculous." But right now I see it as pretty even on both sides. Right now I don't feel bad for the things I say because he's taught me to forget about it. The very next day he acts like he's over it. We both go on with our lives, and more fights pop up every once in a while. But I never get through to him like I want to. I never anger him as much as he angers me. And that's really all I've been fighting for. This is all about control. I hate feeling like anybody needs to control me. I hate hearing people tell me what they think I should do, in this situation. I do the opposite of whatever pressure is put on me. If everyone would just step back, and let me deal with this on my own, I'd most likely be more willing to fix whatever I've created.

Until then, I just feel attacked. Nobody knows the whole story.
I'm not going to do what I'm told I should do because then it doesn't feel like I helped myself, or taught myself anything. Because then, I feel hopeless. Like I strongly rely on people to get me through whatever battles I have to face. And that's not how I am at all.

I love everyone in my life for caring.
And I love myself for pushing myself through anything I come across.

I just want my own piece of mind.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Trying to find anything..

The house is empty. And dead silent. And I have a couple bags packed with my clothes sitting in the middle of my perfectly clean room. I love it when it's this clean. When every thing's all nice, and well put together. But then I feel like I don't belong in it since I'm the opposite.

My Dad and Susan should be home soon, and then I'll be telling them that my brothers on his way. I just got back from Portland with Avieta and I haven't seen my dad all day. To be honest, I know this is really weird of me. Doing this right now. But it's because of the whole idea I thought about on the way home. This whole idea of stepping back and letting things settle down.

I think this will be good for the both of us.
I love staying at davids house. I'm always so comfortable there. And I'm so close with him and Alyssa. David never got along with me when we lived at the old house. I didn't really know him. And I really like that I know him now. I really want to be able to say I was close with my brothers before we all move on with our lives. This is just a little bit of an escape. What I really want to do, is go to my moms house for a while. Stay there to get away from things. But it's too far, and I'd miss school, and it wouldn't work..

I don't know. Its gonna be really weird leaving the house with all of my stuff. Because even though I know I'm just leaving for a while, it really feels like I'm leaving forever. He won't understand the timing of this, because we have been doing okay lately. But I guess this is a good time to leave also. Because while we're getting along, I want to leave, so I don't ruin it, all over again. But I have a feeling that when I come home, it's still not going to feel like home like I want it to. I will never feel the feeling of home like I did at my old house. I will never love, or feel as much love from a house like I did at my old one. I miss the play room, and the perfect front yard with the big tree. Whenever I think about my house I have the strongest memories from the summer. I remember Justin always being over and I was happier than ever with a freezer full of otterpops, the trampoline, and some water guns. I just remember the heat, and the scent of sunscreen, the scent of water on the hot cement. We'd bring tons of blankets and sleeping bags at night and sleep on the trampoline. And I remember that night I saw about seven shooting stars while laying out there. And I had never seen any before then. It just felt good laying out there and looking up for so long and being perfectly warm in the middle of the night and feeling so safe in my backyard. It's a ton of tiny memories that I hold close to me from that house on Luella street. I loved living right next door to my aunt and uncle. And when they had their two daughters Claire and Anne they basically became two little sisters to me. You don't find that often, family living right next door to each other. I loved the tree fort, and the hotub, and the green green grass, and how perfectly clean the house always was. The balcony that looked down on our well put together living room, with our piano and nice furniture. I loved the upstairs because it was just me and my brothers up there, like a separate apartment or something. My dad rarely ever came up there. I didn't just love that house because it was nice, but because it held so many memories. Because that's where I grew up. I loved it because it was about a two minute walking distance from my middle school, and because my best friend lived one street down. I mean, it really doesn't get much better than that. I had the perfect life. The life I want back every single day. I dream about that house a lot. At least a couple times a week. No exaggeration. I don't know why I dream about it so much. I can never let it go. But all I know is when I wake up, I realize more and more how this house I'm in now, is not a home.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you're in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone."

"I still feel at home in my house.."

"You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this right of passage, you know? You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

It's depressing to think home is something I constantly avoid now..

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Mixed thoughts

My anxiety is really driving me insane.
You know that feeling when you're waiting for someone to text you back something important? Or the feeling before giving a speech? The feeling when you're in a 10 foot radiance of the person you hate?

That nervous feeling. That sick anxious feeling.
It never goes away for me.

Tonight I realized things are a lot more fun for me when they're not planned out.
I'm a spontanious person and would rather be suprised than to expect something to happen. Because then it's a build up to a let down.

I realized that right once I reached the point in my life where I really started to care about peoples feelings again, they stop caring for mine.

I found out that I can get the answer I want from my dad if I approach him with it the right way. But I'm really disapointed that he acts like he's doing a big favor for me when he only gave me twenty dollars for portland tomorrow. Thats all he gave me. Thats all I have to spend. But once again, I don't even say thank you. He came back in and gave me an extra ten, which just bothered me even more. So I told him to get out of my room. The twenty he gave me is for lunch for the rest of the week. So really, its not doing me a favor. He gives that to me every week. Once again though, I'm feeling guilty.

And I think it's really scary how every single night,
I always glance over at the clock, or look at my phone, right once it's 9:11.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Have you completely lost your mind?

I don't know exactly what it is that brings out this monster in me when I'm around my dad. But I can't stop it. It's like I have turrets, really. I can never keep the words from coming out of my mouth. About 4 out of 5 of my posts on here talk about anger towards my dad, and that definitely shows something. The truth is, the only time I start to get angry with him is when I run into any conflict, or when I don't get what I want. I just want everything to go the way I want it, and don't care about the rest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. How terrible of me.
Oh, I know. I'm so heartless..

He's taking everything away from me. Having my license has been one the biggest excitements through out all of high school. But what do I do with it when my dad won't let me take the car? I trick, and find a way out of everything with him. Yeah, he took my phone, but I still steal it out of his bedroom everyday. Yeah he's taking my laptop, but there's the downstairs computer too. But the car, I really can't cheat my way out of. I guess that's one reason I want to actually do better in school, so I can have the car.

Tonight I told off myself a little bit more than I told off him.
And I didn't even mean to. That's what happens when you talk before you think. I just spit out the truth.

"I want you to do better in school. Until then, I'm not gonna let you do anything.So if this is what you want, then have fun with it, buddy! Get your grades up and then we'll talk. I want you to prove to me that you can do better first."

(I absolutely hate when he talks in his sarcastic voice and calls me buddy)

"I'm going to get my grades up. But not for you. I don't care what you want, I don't care what you think, and I don't care if you think I'm a failure. In the end all I care about is what I want, what I need, and how I can help myself. How I can make myself proud."

"So really you don't care about anyone else? You don't care about making me proud? Or about lying to me when you say you're going to do better?"

"I don't. I really, really don't."

"Well then I can actually say you're the most selfish person that I know. That doesn't sound like a happy life to me. How can you be happy if you don't make the people around you happy? You never come into the living room to talk with me and Susan when we're out here. You just stay in your room, why is that?"

"If I come out there you know it's going to be fake. I'm just going to be out there because I know that's what you want me to do. How could you enjoy me being there, talking to you, if you know I'm just there because it's what you expect me to do? Why would I go out there at all?"

"I don't know.. So we could get to know each other?"

I guess he really doesn't ask that much from me.. But why do I have so much anger?
I guess this is why he wants to get me counseling.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Fill these spaces up with days

"And you really, really need to get used to that feeling, here, on the freeway, at work, in your marriage. This is the world we live in. Just go with the prompts.

No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Let's take our chances

I was up until 5:30 talking to steph on the phone.
And today, I slept in and missed school.
I know I should of got off the phone earlier last night, but I couldn't.

We talked about everything there is to talk about. And we agreed on every opinion we had. We talked about religion. And how we question if there is a heaven, or if there is a hell. And how ridiculous it is that people dedicate their whole life for their after life. How we just want to do what we want now, and not worry about it. And what happens after our life? Is that it? Are we just forgotten? And we realized how in the length of time that the earth lives, our life time is just a split second of it. After this will we be forgotten? We're really just another drop in the ocean. It makes you feel smaller than ever. What happens when the world ends? I mean, then there's really nothing. It's just the galaxy holding absolutely nothing. She got my mind racing about all of that. It's really a scary thought to think about anything that just ends. We talked about how much school is a waste of time, and how much it's holding us back from doing everything there is to do. And how life is just a playground and we really shouldn't have to work, or any of that. We got into science talk and she kept bringing up theories that they discovered like, "They know how to capture images of your imagination now." But I just told her it's a myth. And she told me about her childhood. And I told her about my future. And I felt really close with her.

Not having my phone is the worst thing.
And not being able to see her gets harder every day.
But wow. I love her a lot.

I really need to get caught up in school..

We share conversations on how we're all just floating through space and nothing matters. I'm looking for a pattern.
Is it possible to say, baby lets run away to the East Coast, or Seattle.
Corpus or St. Marcus. I've got a credit card, and a reliable car. Let's drive...

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Loves gonna get you down

Ever since thanksgiving my brother has "completely fallen" for this girl, Amanda. I guess because she's different from any other girl he's been with. My brothers a socialite, a partier, a drinker, and usually just hooks up with girls and doesn't stay with them. I guess he was happy that this time it was real. I'm guessing she was a bit of a symbol of him trying to settle down. At least for a while I think he wanted to have some commitment and something that would break free from a lifestyle where you're only with the girl for a night.

But when winter break started he found out she doesn't want to be with him anymore. She doesn't want to be in a relationship. She just wants to be friends. Whatever thing they had going, she ended out of nowhere. And so all break, every god damn night, he's out at the house all depressed. And it's really frustrating to watch. Love does that to a person. Sometimes, whatever common sense you have in your mind is thrown out when you love someone. I listened to him talking to my dad in the living room every night and he kept saying things like, "Maybe she still wants me back." And he came in to my room just about every other hour, begged for my laptop, so he could catch her while she was on facebook. It really was just becoming an obsession.

For a while, I thought maybe she really is leading him on, and that's why he won't let go. But tonight the talk in the living room with my dad was different. I heard him use the word "closure" and heard him say "this is just how it is now. were just friends now"

Me being the lurker that I am, I logged onto his facebook when he left the house. I've known his password for everything ever since I was in middle school. And I feel guilty that I did this, but that's how I've always been. I'm a very nosey person.

The IM box with Amanda was still there.
He kept saying things like
"I just wanna talk about whats going on.. one more time.. just so I can get this straight.."

You could tell she wasn't paying much attention to the conversation because after everything he would send you'd see, "Amanda just wrote on someones wall"

"I just dont know what went wrong"
And she told him,
"I dont know what you understand. We've talked about this multiple times.. Last time we talked about it, it was about a 2 hour long conversation. I really thought we set things straight. I think you're a cool guy, but I just don't want anything right now"

He said something like "Maybe we have a chance in the future?"
"Yeah! Maybe! I'll let you know :)"

She says it as if it's something so casual.
And then she did the worst thing she could do, switch topics. But not only did she switch topics, but she switched to asking him if he could get her and her friends alcohol. She's a year away from being able to do that on her own.

But he didn't reply to that, he kept going on and on and on about how he wants her back. She ignored everything he typed, and asked again. I really don't like her. When looking at her page she seemed like a really annoying girl. The type of girl that considers herself crazy and outgoing because she is loud and talks with a high pitch voice. The type of girl that enjoys what she's doing to Matthew because she likes the attention. But I mean, that's coming from me, the most judgemental person you'll come across.

The conversation ended terribly.
"Okay well I'm glad we had this talk, and yeah, I'll get you and your friends drinks for Friday night. I just hope you know that you're such an amazing girl and I really think you're great.. I just wish things would of worked"
"Haha yeah you're okay, I guess... Just kidding. Jk"

And then she signed off.

This is living proof of the power love has over people.
Living proof that people abuse that power.

And proof that sometimes love, can hurt more than hate.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

To answer your question, it will probably take more.

Sometimes I sort of wish my blogspot wasn't discovered, at all.
I wish that I never posted the link on my myspace.
And I wish that I didn't have a 3 row list of followers.

Just because I sort of hold back on saying anything that I want to say.
But at the same time, I love that people are actually interested. That people actually care about what goes on in my normal life. But then again, maybe my life isn't as normal as I think it is. It's probably not as normal as I present it on here, or make it up to be. Although on here it sounds like it's just the same shit, but a different day, it's actually changing drastically all the time. I guess sometimes I like that. Because no day is ever the same as the one before. I purposely throw in something to change it, or it changes itself. Because I don't like to feel routine.

Sometimes I wish people wouldn't bring up the things I type on here in person. Not only is it awkward, but it's personal. Sometimes the people that bring it up, are people that I didn't even know read it. It's actually a scary feeling to think that they think they know all that goes on. Thinking they have me figured out down to the core. but really, this isn't even a half of it. There's a lot of empty spaces on this blog. And by that, I mean there's a lot that people don't know. I never really throw in all the details, or everything that really happened, just because there's somethings I just want to keep to myself. My life is packed full of details that people don't know about. And I like that.
I hope I never become someone that is easy to define.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I am blank

I don't know.
I guess this is the way things are sometimes.
I guess the greatest things can just end out of no where.

This is exactly what I've been scared of all along. And it's happening. It's real now.

I miss the night laying in the car with you at 4:00 in the morning in the random parking lot while it was raining. Just being there with you, and being able to hold you was the greatest feeling ever. That's really all I want right now. To just be with you.

I don't want to think about what this will be like.
I can't believe he won't let you go anywhere until summer.
And I don't know what I'll do not being able to talk to you at all since your phone will be canceled. I have no clue what we do, or where we go from here.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

Right now I feel more alone than I have ever felt before.
With out you, I'm just right back to feeling like I'm just here. I'm blank. I'm living, and I'm breathing, but I don't feel as alive as I did before. I don't know anymore.

When I told you I can't lose feelings for you I meant it.
And I hope you meant it to.
I don't know what happens now.
Who knows what we'll be, or where we'll be when summer comes around.

What if he really sends you to Portland by then?

I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I'm a mess.