Monday, November 30, 2009

And all the lights that lead the way are blinding..

I miss the way I felt when I first started loving you. When that's all that I felt. And there was nothing else. It's weird thinking back on it, how separated we were forced apart. And how bad we wanted to break it. I would be so excited to get home to call you, just to hear your voice. I wouldn't sleep because I didn't ever want to hang up the phone. I remember nights when Erick would drive me to your house and we'd park outside and wait in the car for an hour until you could sneak out. And how excited I was to be in the back seat with you. It was so unreal when I could actually see you. I felt so many things at once. Everything was brand new. After we'd drop you off, Erick would drive me home, and the whole way back I'd talk about you. I couldn't stop. The next few weeks, when I couldn't see you, I was still so happy from just one night of being able to see you. And you never left my mind.

I loved sneaking you into my house. I remember the first time I asked you out.. Erick was asleep on the couch across from us in my room, and we were laying in my bed. I'd wake you up to a kiss, and then when you would fall back asleep I'd just pretend to. The whole time I was so nervous to ask you. When I woke you up again, and said it, you said "Yes.." and we laughed quietly and you said, "Finally." And then we fell back asleep and I couldn't stop smiling. When you left that night, I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt so alive.

There was a feeling rushing through my veins that I had never felt before and I never wanted it to stop.

Can't go any further than this

Good morning, I can't make myself get out of bed.

"You know when you'd always correct me when I'd say she's not the right girl for you? And you'd say she was? The right girl for you is someone who will love you just as much as you love her and want to be with you just as much as you want to be with her. That is who is right for you."

"But nobody knows who's right for me or who isn't, except for me. To me, she is the right one for me, I'm just not the right one for her. And I know that should change everything but it doesn't. I love her more than she loves me. What I feel with her is exactly spot on what I always wanted to feel with someone, and that's all that matters to me. All the messy parts don't make her any less right for me. I wish she wanted what I want. I don't know how to move on from her, but I think that telling myself that I need to is a really good first step. That's one thing that I've never done."

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have to let go.
I feel useless, I feel stupid, ugly, and alone.

Love for granted

Tonight I realized that no, I don't want to move on from you. But I need to move on from you. And tonight is when I start. Tonight is the last night that I come across you flirting with other boys and get upset about it. You will never have enough male attention, even when you have me. You go from telling somebody the sweetest thing I have ever said to you, to telling them how good looking they are. You don't love me. You don't want the same things that I do. Pushing things away, or holding off on things was the only way I knew how to keep you around. Otherwise, I don't know how. I am constantly on edge. I'm always afraid. It's always me that has to bring us back together. Tonight was the last time that I'll call and hear your answering machine. The last time I ask you if I can come see you. I am destroying myself, and the respect I have for myself. I'm not weak, I do know how to leave, but I've waited because I thought I didn't need to. I thought you would listen to the things I needed you to do, or stop doing, but you don't, and I really don't think you ever will. I've put up with that for too long, I've let you be selfish for too long. Maybe this time I should of said something, but I've said it enough and I really don't know what else to say or do.

You say how much you loved yourself back when you were confident. What happens when you get that back? That's when I'm not in the picture anymore, and every other guy is. When you get your phone, that's when your inbox will be filling up with boys who can win your heart by calling you cute. I loved you. I do love you. When we started talking two summers ago, before I even saw you I loved who you were. I never once stopped. I don't know how to stop. I don't know when I'll stop.

I never gave up on you after all the times you gave up on me. What's so hard is that even though you put so much fear into me, when I'm with you, it's all gone. And not only do I not fear you, but I fear nothing at all. Every single thing felt right. You felt so right. And I really am scared that I won't ever find that with anybody else, all the things I felt with you. I don't know if I'll ever meet somebody that I felt so comfortable with. Or someone that loves all of the things that I love with out having to adjust to me.

You are so hard to let go of. It's not going to happen quickly. It's going to take time. And it's going to hurt. I want to keep us alive, more than anything else, but it's pulled me away from loving the things I normally love. It's pulled me away from other people. And it's pulled me away from myself. It's taking away all of my energy. I can't feel like this anymore. I can't keep living like this.

'Oh, these days are gone
Loud enough to hold on
I think about the time we wasted
I think about the years to come
It's getting late and I can't call
It's getting late to face it all
I think about the time we wasted
My loneliness has slowly grown
I told you not to cross the line
& leave me with your love for granted
The letters from your broken heart
I think I might have lost them somewhere

Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets

It doesn't matter right or wrong
As long as you are hiding somewhere

Even though we've said it all
I would never let us fall with you
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in
If it is for better'

Thursday, November 26, 2009


When I looked around at all the people surrounding the candle lit table at dinner tonight, I wished my mom was sitting next to me. And I wish she didn't cry every holiday. I wish it was more than just a phone call that brought us together on days like this, but I am thankful.

When I looked across the table and saw Susan and my Dad holding hands and laughing, and drinking their wine, I thought about how happy I am that my dad isn't alone anymore. I thought about the times when me and my brothers would go out on weekend nights and we'd come home to him asleep on the couch in the living room, alone. With popcorn next to him and the main menu of a movie replaying over and over on the screen. Even when he was so alone, he still tried to make himself happy, on his own. And I thought about all of the women he dated that ended up leaving him, and how much it hurt him each time. When I looked at him and Susan I was so happy that he is finally exactly where he wants to be. I thought about how I call them my parents. And how they are parents to me. Even if nobody can ever take my moms place. And that my relationship with my mom is still so strong and kept together no matter how big the distance is between us.

I looked at David and thought about how nice it is to see him smile. How great it is to be with him when he's in between his pain, and feeling okay. And how all of the text messages in my phone were from him. How when we all lived together at the old house, I really felt like I didn't know him at all, and now we're so close. When we were in the basement, I didn't mind that I wasn't added into the conversation. I just wanted to listen. Matthew was so interested in all the things David had to say, and all the things he had to show him. And it was nice for David to be able to just talk to somebody about things. To feel something new. And to know that there's still people there that love him, no matter what. And even though it scares me that I don't know what he's going to do next, or how he talks about going into the army, at this moment he was sitting across from me and we were laughing at all the things my Grandpa is saying. And that's all that matters.

My family will always be the glue that has kept me together. And no matter how much we run away from each other, or push each other away, we are the most important things we all have. I miss my mom every single day. And I wish she could feel what I felt tonight. I want to fall asleep to her opening my door and whispering goodnight like she used to. I want to be wrapped in the comfort of knowing that she's here. But it's important to remember.. that it's important to remember.. My mom did feel this at one point, what I feel at this point.. She wants the same things that I do. And we're under the same sky. It's nice to know that tonight, even though she has a terrible fever, she's laying in bed with her husband, both of them sick together, and they're comfortable, and they're okay, and they're in love, and they're happy. And really, when all of my family is okay, I am too. I don't need anything else but to know that they're all happy.

That's what I'm thankful for. That tomorrow will be a new day, and maybe we'll all feel somethind different. But tonight we fall asleep with love inside of us, and nothing else.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Still - Volcano Choir

I keep taking things.. with out taking them in.

Justin came into town again this weekend. And it made me realize that every time I go to pick him up and bring him here, it's because each time I'm hoping it will feel somewhat like it used to. Our silence is weird. I hate it, but at the same time love the fact that it's not uncomfortable at all when it's so quiet that I can hear the rain falling on my car window.

What we did wasn't what I would of planned. We were never combined with each others friend groups. It was always just us. Now we have to be around other people to have fun. We never needed that before. I didn't want him to meet my friends, because he really doesn't know how to be social with anyone anymore, and none of them would understand him. I didn't want to smoke with him, because when he's high he's even more quiet. I didn't want to take him to a party where every ones dressed up, and he's in basketball shorts and this plain white polo with a big coat on. Where all the people who saw him would laugh and say how random he is. Where when he asks for a drink, girls start yelling at him, "Get your own fucking alcohol."

He'd just stand there. And stare. And at one point I looked over at him, he was standing alone by the table watching a bunch of drunk people playing beer pong. I made eye contact with his red eyes and felt.. alone. This wasn't what was great about our friendship. You can't pull somebody into those things after years of not seeing them, and expect it to feel the same. All of that, he's used to. That's all he has in his town. I want to pull him into something different. But that's not what he wanted, this was what he wanted. And I just wanted him to have fun. I wanted him to talk. When we'd be sitting in my room, or driving nowhere with redbulls in the cup holders, I was okay. This isn't the way I wanted to bring our friendship back to life. If I followed what I really wanted to do, I would of invited him to my house, I would of made food, and put Family Guy on the big screen TV downstairs. I would of hooked up the PS3 so we could play video games. And tell him stories about all the things he's missed out on.

Best friends isn't always forever. And it took years for me to convince myself that. I remember one night my freshman year, during winter, I was in my step moms car in the back seat. My dad in the front seat. I started crying. And I kept trying to blink it away and stay quiet because I didn't want them to see. By the time they parked in the drive way and opened their doors to go inside, I stayed in the back seat and put my head in my hands and let myself cry. It was raining and I was cold. As they were unlocking the front door to go inside my dad looked back and saw that I was still in the car, he turned around and opened the door and asked what was wrong. I told him I wished Justin still lived here. I said, "I'm not going to be the same person with out him as a friend. My life won't be the same." And he said, "But maybe you can remember that person you were when he was a friend." And for months I thought about how if maybe I don't lose the person I was when he was my friend, then maybe I can still feel good about our friendship. And I myself could be a constant reminder of what used to be great.

But I didn't keep that. And no, I don't regret the person I became with out him around. But I do regret ever bringing him back into my life and creating our friendship into something that it was never supposed to be. I regret making any of this a memory.. and not letting go, and just letting the good ones be the only thing I have to hold onto.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Please, please, please.. Slow it down

I'm just feeling a lot of different things. I probably let unreplied text messages bother me too much, but I really miss my friends. I hate that I'm always asking to see them and that they never want to. I keep thinking about this town, and the people here, and I keep thinking about me leaving it. It's scary, but that's the option that stands out the most to me. And for a while I was thinking, it's too early to feel this. To worry about this. But now I'm feeling like it's too late. Like I've waited too long to make a decision, and everybody else already has their plan figured out.

One thing I've never liked about myself, and my life, is how planned out it is. I've always wanted to be suprised with where I end up or what I end up doing, but usually I know exaclty what I'm doing, and know what I'm going to do next. When I shut one door, I know which one I'll open. But this is all so different. I don't know with this one. It's hard to tell what I want because I'm not going by what I want, but what I want with eveybody else. I want to stay here because there's people I love, and people I've been with my whole life here. Because this city has been my whole life. I want to leave because I feel like if I stay, it'll get the best of me. If I stay, I'm staying because of fear. Right now, I feel like there's a lot that's holding me down from growing and I want to break free from it all. I want to leave because people that were supposed to be with me the rest of my life are leaving too. People I want to be there for the rest of my life.

Eugene holds so many things that I love. And just talking about any of this is really hard for me. Even thinking about it. It's such a scary feeling, feeling like everything that you know is coming to an end. Like everything is wrapping up. It's so hard knowing that no matter where I go, no matter where I stay, I will be losing the things that mean the most to me either way. And the worst part, that this is my last year being young...this young.. and I don't even know how to enjoy it anymore.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

"I feel like you only love me when you feel alone"
"What do you mean?"
"Like when you're in portland and you have all your friends, and you're having fun, you don't need me. It's when you get back home, and you feel alone, that's when you need me. That's when you love me."
"That's not the only time I feel alone.."

To remember

Over the summer at my Aunt Kris' house in Washington, my mom saw me writing in here. She says, "What is that? What are you typing?" I explained to her what this is, and what it means to me. I told her that I've been writing in here since the beginning of high school and that each post, to me, shows my growth. How I want to be able to look back and read all of this one day. I write in here because sometimes it's easier to spell it out than it is to say to anybody else. I write in here because it helps myself. And she said, "I wish I could read it. I wish I could know what's been going through your mind for all the years that I've missed out on."

Tonight I sealed a huge folder envelope filled with every page written on here, up to today, and tomorrow I'm mailing it to her. Because sometimes phone calls just don't say enough.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten

I kept chcking my phone over and over during work and then realized how fast I jumped back. I'm wondering why did I say I'm great when you asked how I was?
I'm wondering why I'm even replying, so easily.

Wondering how many other guys you're texting right now. If that means anything to you. If I'm worrying over something that doesn't even involve me. If I'm just worrying too much.

I really wish you knew how it felt to be this weak. I'm not saying you haven't felt weak before, but this is such a different kind. Because love has all control over me. It's what really takes the wheel. I have never seeked revenge on you. You have never seen my terrible sides that I've brought out on people that screwed me over before. Tonight Jimmy pointed out how easily I drop people out of my life. And it hurt that he pointed that out. Because sometimes I feel like it's been a strength for me, but then I think about all of the feelings that come along with it. And how even though it's always for the best, how hard it is to walk away from. Because even when you let somebody go, they're still there. I was thinking, why can I let go of everyone else, but not you? Why is it that even when I'm so angry towards you, I still love you.

I don't want to think anymore. I just want to sleep.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I start dreaming I'm supposed to fill it up with something

There is no way avoiding pain. It will always follow us. It will show up in places we never expected, and it will stay with us until we find a way to burry it. It's impossible to throw away love. And it's even harder to let go of something that you feel hasn't even begun. When you know there was so much more left, and when you know without completing all of those things, you won't be complete yourself.

No matter how much I try to distract my mind, with people, with money, with alcohol, blocking it out, and pushing it away. You're still always are there. And I'm thinking, why do I keep trying to run away?

I want you so bad, and it hurts so much. Because tonight isn't the same as it was last week. Tonight I think about how you say you do still love me, and I think about how I can have this back. And now I'm thinking about me, for once, about me. And I'm looking at what I want vs. what I need, and that's so hard. It is so hard to seperate the two and following what's right. Sometimes I think, fuck what's right, I think, why should you ever go against your wants? Blocking out what everybody advises me to do, because people keep forgetting I still love her. Even if it's wrong. Even if I shouldn't. I start thinking.. let me do this, one more time. Let me do it right this time.

I want to drop my fear. I want to feel something different than this.
I want you back. And I want me back.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Wet and Rusting

"And when you unravel the secret will travel
It's hard to take risks with a pessimist

I hope that this shaking will help us awaken
Separated by skin until we let ourselves in
It's hard to take risks with a pessimist
It's hard to take risks

I hope one will burn me, I know you’ll desert me
This is the closest I’ve come to touching you the way I want
The hope can be painful, I’ll try to be faithful
It’s hard to take risks.."

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I don't want anymore reasons

My whole weekend I looked for ways to get you off of my mind, but really ended up doing the complete opposite. I even ended up talking about you with people I didn't even know. And it hurt because no matter how many times I tried to distract myself, you would always show up again.

I could not outrun you.

Your phone call was the hardest part of my night. And I know you're sorry, but I won't forget the way I felt hearing you laughing in the background while all those other guys were talking on the phone. At that second, I did not know you at all. I went through days wanting just to hear your voice, one time, and through that phone call it was different. The tone of your voice and everything. It was a side of you that I had never seen come out. I was outside of the party, and at that point I just wanted to turn around. When we got in, it was the last place I wanted to be. I kept picturing you with them. It made me feel sick. Just for one night, I wanted to enjoy myself, and fall asleep with out you on my mind. Only thinking about things that made me feel better.

I know you've always been impulsive. But I hope you really do learn to put some control on that. I hope you really do realize that you do not have to hurt me to move on from me. You don't have to hate me first. And I promise, I won't play this game back. You don't have to be afraid.

I know pain is a natural part of this whole process, but the kind that's created is not.