Wednesday, December 30, 2009

All choked up

"I do want to be here for you to listen too, I just have very different opinions on love than you do.. explain to me what it even is about her that you love? Maybe its not right for me to ask that but i feel like if you really love her you'd want to answer it.."

"What I love about her is the way I feel when I'm with her. which is really something I can't even put into words. whether we're fighting or perfectly okay. She makes me feel something that nobody else in the world can.. she makes me feel real. there's a lot of people in my life that are important to me and can make me feel so many different things but she brought out some of my core emotions that I never knew that I had. she understands me in a way that so many people haven't been able to understand and she shows up in so many different parts of my life that remind me of how much I love her. She was my first real love and a lot of the things that we have experienced together is a lot of what has made me love her so much. what she has made me into. the only thing that I want you to try to understand that love is love. lost love, is still love.. I love you as my best friend and if you stopped being friends with me, or if you died, with out any warning, I would still love you exactly the way I did before. I know that's a way different kind of love, but feelings are feelings. Even if they can't be returned. I understand what you're saying when it's not a loving relationship if you're not being loved back but not being wanted back doesn't erase the feelings you had before. you can't make yourself stop wanting someone and when I look at other girls I can't picture feeling the way I felt with her. because she is everything I ever wanted. the music she shows me, the movies, the books we give each other, the things she has said to me, the way she has made me feel, the way she touches, the way she talks, the way I am able to be around her, the way I feel I understand her. I feel like she's so understandable too me no matter how complex she can make things.. they are all things that I find completely irreplaceable. what I'm saying is yeah, one day I will find other things or someone else to love.. I don't know when.. but right now she is all that I want and with out her, it's so hard to be able to feel okay. Sometimes I don't want to be here without her. when I was in love with her, when we were in love, I felt so right and when it was torn away from me I was left with everything I still felt."

It hurts being told that what I'm feeling isn't what I think it is. And that love isn't love if it's not returned. It hurts so much that nobody can make me feel okay about the way I feel.. I'm pounding on the walls for someone to understand. But what's even worse is what I see as irreplaceable, you see as something you can find in anybody else. What's a put away memory to you, is a constant reminder for me.

Left with nothing

I want so badly to be able to enjoy myself. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. I just want to always feel okay. But you can't feel okay with where you are if you're always wanting to go back.

I want to go back to the summer day in July when we went on a walk down that path by the river holding your hand. When we stopped at that bridge and watched the water, and kicked the cotton all over the ground with our feet. Going back to your house at the end of the day and lying in bed with you. That's one of my happiest memories, I can still feel what I felt that day when I look back on it. The time when we were sitting together on the couch at Justins while everyone was playing pong next to us and while all the guys were hitting on Sydney I felt so happy to be able to hold you closer and know you were all mine. Our road trip to Portland, with you in my passenger seat, letting you pick all the songs, being able to stop and pull over wherever we wanted to. Knowing we were going to be next to each other for the next two hours and knowing we'd fall asleep with each other that night, and wake up to each other the next morning. I wanted to see different parts of the world with you, even if it was just in our small city. And that's something we hardly ever did. I wanted to show you other parts of me that I couldn't show you in your house, or your bedroom. I wanted to get to know you more than I already did. I wanted you to call me when I was with my friends and I'd tell you I can't talk right now, but I promise I'll call you tonight. I wanted to take you to the movies and then take you to dinner and walk you to your door. I wanted you to stay at my house, and meet my dad. Take you to my work and show you off. Introduce you to my friends you never met, and spend time with the ones you did. Take you shopping and buy you things. I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I always was willing to wait. I always am.. But what I'm trying to figure out is how long can I do this to myself. How many times do I have to hear you don't love me anymore, to make me stop loving you. What the hell will it take for me to move on from you. All I know is I still want you in my life no matter what. Even if it's not the way I will always want it to be.

I think that's what is still so hard for me. I create all of these plans for my life, but you were always such a big part of them that I don't really know what I have set out in front of me anymore.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You

"I didn't answer. I knew she was right, but that didn't change the way I felt about things at all. People always think that if they can prove that they're right, you'll change your mind."

"It's odd what facets of life children incorporate into their play. I started to think about this, about how we wanted to assume the dreariest aspects of adult life: playing office, playing store.. playing mental asylum."

"I think I could do other things with the money that would be better for me than going to college."
"Such as?" My grandmother asked.
I didn't answer because it was suddenly clear to me, for a second or two, that part of this not wanting to go to college was simply a desire not to move forward, for I loved where I was at the moment, and felt that so surely and keenly: sitting in my grandmothers kitchen.. All around us not yet totally violated by stupidity and intolerance and hate.

"But wouldn't you be lonely?"
"I don't mind being lonely," I said, "I am lonely now, here, living in New York. It makes it worse in New York because you see people interacting everywhere you go, all the time. Constantly."
"Just because people interact doesn't mean they aren't lonely."

"How should I know if this will help me? It's like asking someone who's swimming the English channel if they will get across. There's no way they can know."
"But they can believe they can swim across. Otherwise why would they set out? You wouldn't begin to swim across the Channel if you didn't think you could make it."
"You might."

"You're sitting all alone. Come join us.."
This is something I really hate. Really, really hate- when people react to your being alone as some kind of problem for them. I knew the only reason she wanted me to come and sit at her table was that she wanted to do someone a favor. My sitting alone bothered her; it's like how you resent those people standing up on the subway when you're seated.

I find it disturbing that so much seemingly altruistic behavior is really quite selfish. Even so-called saints like Mother Teresa bother me. In some ways she was just as ambitious as people like my father or anyone who wants to be on top of their profession. Mother Teresa wanted to be the best saint, the top saint, so she did the most disgusting things she could do, and I know she helped people and relieved suffering and I'm not saying that's bad, I'm just saying I think she was just as selfish and ambitious as everyone else. The problem with thinking this way is that if you want to avoid this kind of ambition and selfishness you should do absolutely nothing- do no harm, but do no good either. Do nothing: don't presume to interfere with the world.

...I knew the note would upset my mother. I thought maybe I should throw it away. I thought, what's the point of her reading it? Then I thought about how in Tess of the AngleD'Urbervilles Clare doesn't find the note that Tess slips under his door because it slides beneath the rug and how basically because of that a lot of awful things happen and she ends up dead and so I decided not to interfere with the natural course of events.

"That's the awful thing about being addicted to something. Even while you're doing it, and loving it, you know it's wrong and you know you're weak, and you know you're probably ruining your life. I knew it was a mistake, a terrible mistake. But I did it anyway."

'A young man and woman walked past- they were walking a bit apart from one another with a space between them, and the man was looking straight ahead and the woman had her arms crossed against her chest, hugging herself, looking down at her feet. They both had the same gleefully suppressed smile on their faces, and I knew that they were freshly in love. Perhaps they had just fallen in love at dinner, perhaps they haven't even kissed yet. And they walked apart because they had their whole lives to walk close together, touching, and wanted to anticipate the moment they touched for as long as possible. Something about watching them made me sad. The summer night, the open-toed shoes, their faces rapt with momentarily tamped-down joy. I felt I had witnessed their happiest moment, the pinnacle, and they were already walking away from it, but they didn't know it..'

Love is never wasted.
You are cleansed by sleep and dreams.
Have faith in nature.
Be challenged by defeat.
Believe in what you love.
Re-create your life every day.
Everything is always changing. Nothing lasts. It's okay.

'I thought, it's enough that I've thought that, I don't need to share it. Most people think that things are not real unless they are spoken, that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it. I suppose this is why people always want other people to say, "I love you." I think just the opposite- that thoughts are realest when thought, that expressing them distorts or dilutes them, that it is best for them to stay in the dark climate-controlled airport chapel of your mind, that if they're released into the air and light they will be affected in a way that alters them, like film accidentally exposed.'

'I feel like we cannot go on with our lives like nothing happened. For instance, the Mexican boy, cutting the lawn in Hartsdale, how did he get there, where did he live, what was he thinking? It's like there's this pyramid of his life, an iceberg, and I just saw the the tip of it, the tiny tip, but it spreads out beneath that, spreads out back and back, his entire life beneath him, inside of him, everything that has ever happened to him, all adding up to equal the moment, the second, he waved back at me.

What if she was meant to be, or could have been someone important in my life? What if the Mexican boy was lonely too? I think that's what scares me: the randomness of everything. A stranger, yet I felt walking away I was abandoning him. That I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people.

No one can understand who you were at a particular moment unless they understood the pyramid beneath you. We forget that.

"You know," my grandmother said, "I think it's rather a heartening story what you told me. You acted stupidly and made a mess, but nevertheless I find it heartening."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you wanted something, and tried to get it. You acted. You acted stupidly, but you acted, and that's the important part. And people often act stupidly when it comes to love."

"And if college is all wrong for you, if you really don't like it in the way you fear, well- it won't be a waste to have gone. Having bad experiences helps.l it makes it clearer what it is you should be doing. People who have only had good experiences aren't very interesting. They may be content and happy after a fashion, but they don't go in very deep. It may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. Not that happiness is simple. But I don't think you're going to have a life like that, and I think you'll be the better for it. The difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed with the bad patches. You musn't let them defeat you. You must see them as a gift- a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless."

"When you long with all of your heart for someone to love you, a madness grows there that shakes all sense from the trees and the water and the earth. And nothing lives for you, except the long deep bitter want. And this is what everyone feels from birth to death."

Be patient and tough: Someday this pain will be useful to you.

Friday, December 25, 2009


Last night my brother told us all he's joining the military this spring.. He'll be doing his training in March and if he makes it in, he'll be away for six years. He won't be able to come home until two years after training and that will only be for a very short period before he goes right back to fight. Matthew was really upset last night because he's really short on money and couldn't get us gifts this year, this morning he just pulled out his wallet and gave us 20's but I didn't want to accept it. I did. He was upset because we won't have a christmas together again for another three years. It scares me. He always jumps into whatever comes to mind. Last night in the living room he was showing me these training videos of what it will be like. He'd skip through the parts that would be the trained marines talking, and I would only hear clips of what they'd say as he skipped through,
"It's putting your whole life at risk."
"You're fighting for your country and your life."

And then he'd get to the scenes with the action, and turn up the volume. Them jumping from planes and shooting right once on ground, them swimming through swamps with alligators and deadly snakes, crawling on the ground through the forests, and I was trying to picture him doing all of this.. But I couldn't. When we were talking in the kitchen, and when he was showing me all of these things I was trying to pretend I was more interested than I really was. "Oh yeah, that's awesome." Responding to the video the same way you'd respond to watching somebody play a video game. But the truth is I don't want him to go, and I'm scared. But when I asked him, "Does it scare you?" He said, "What?" and I said, "Any of that?" He goes, "No, I love that shit. It's what I've always wanted. I'll be able to face any situation after this."

And I was silent.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

While everyone else was finishing wrapping presents tonight, I got out my phone and called to be picked up. Once again, I had that feeling where I just had to get away. That anxious nervousness that holds me back from enjoying anything else around me.

"So whats up?"
"I don't feel right. What I'm trying to do is hard because I want to keep her in my life but I don't want to love her anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because she's done, and because I can't lose anymore of me."
"Then cut off all connections. You need to get her out of your mind."
"I can't. That'd mean I'd have to forget a lot of what she's made me into. We changed each other a lot through our relationship not just in bad ways. If she still called, which she wouldn't, I'd still answer. No matter what, I can't ever stop caring for her."
"She won't call you though, dude. She doesn't care to call you. You're not what you used to be to her. And she doesn't want you the same way as she used to."
"That doesn't mean we're any less close as we were before. That doesn't mean we stop caring for each other all together.."


"So what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not gonna do anything. There isn't anything to do except keeping on."

I want to know why everyone thinks not being together has to turn into something worse. I don't have to be what I used to be, but I don't think I know how to live with out you in my life.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'm diving deeper

Over the first part of my winter break I left for Idaho to see my mom. My plan was to actually leave kind of quietly, with out saying much to anybody. I needed to step away from everything and have some time to stop focusing on everyone else for just a little bit. What I learned while I was gone, is positive thinking really does put so many things into place.

While I was gone I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't have Internet to check a million different social networks because of anxiety. All I had was myself, my thoughts that I had been blocking out for way too long, and my mom to wake up in the middle of the night to talk to. The only person in the whole world that knows every little detail about me. I drew conclusions that I needed to draw.

I can still love until I can let go. But I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting for somebody to love me back. I can't let phobias be my only friends anymore. I have kept myself very sheltered the past few months, because that's what I thought I had to do. I was a lonely and afraid person. And I was somebody that I didn't even know how to handle. Just pushing myself out of my comfort zone the past few days has transformed the way I feel completely. There are other things to feel good about and other things to put my energy into. You can't move on from somebody when they're the one you constantly turn to. It takes other things, and other people. Otherwise it's like expecting to quit cigarettes, by smoking cigarettes. It's a comfort, and it's what has always helped you with everything else before, but it can't push you away from itself. It feels good to be able to follow through again. I'm back. I'm ready to step into things that are new, and I'm ready to feel okay again.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Give it time, the truth always falls through with everything eventually.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Make myself believe..

When I lose what I'm used to, I close off any other possibilities out there for me. It takes me a long time to open myself up to better things..

Nothing really is appealing to me anymore. I don't even know what I want. I'm so sick of being excited to get off of work and then not knowing what to do or where to go. I'm so tired of texting Bryant every single weekend to ask him to hang out and never getting a reply. Then seeing him drunk the same night and he says, "Where have you been!" and I say, "I text you all the time.." And he says, "No you don't!" And then we both laugh it off but I'm actually pissed, because I really do. And he knows I do.

The only thing I can do with any of my friends is find something we can drink or smoke, and then find a party. And now that's the only way I know how to make plans anymore. I see partying as one big trip.. In a car that looks so much more luxurious until you get inside. But without it, I always am made to feel that I'm missing out. On something really big. It makes you feel like whatever else you're doing is so much more unimportant than what you could be doing. And no fun seems as fun as it was before. It's this whole mind set that you're trained into.

I look at all the other people I used to be friends with, and I start to want what they have. I miss having friends that know there's nothing going on in the night and say, "Well you should still come over." And then making it a better night than you even planned. I miss having that so much. And I miss when I wouldn't reject little plans like those. Little plans like tonight, Michele asking me to come to get coffee with her until we find out what we're doing. I look at all my old friends, all of them are all together, and they're all making their last year here one to remember. They at least put in an effort to be happy and have fun with their lives.. And I just don't. Because it doesn't feel right when I try. I wish I was the way I used to be. When I would make myself go into situations, even if I wasn't sure if it's what I wanted. I miss when I would step out of my comfort zone, and find a new one. And I wish I still knew other ways to do that.. I'm always scared of being let down. Tonight Michele is texting me over and over and asking when I'm leaving my house and what we're going to do tonight. Michele really tries for our friendship, and I don't. My dad redid a lot of my room tonight, and instead of going out I want to stay home and put all of my stuff away and finish putting it all together. But then I remember how much I hate falling asleep to feeling alone.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

My promises were sleeping

The past two days I've showed up to school, on time. I haven't slept in and I haven't left to come home early. And it feels good. It's weird what I've trained myself to do.. I sleep in for the same reason everybody sleeps in, because it's comforting. But what's weird about my situation, is when I'm laying in bed I think about a lot of my normal day I see hardly any time to relax in it, so when my alarm goes off, that is my chance. That's my time to relax. Even if I know I shouldn't. The way I process thoughts in the morning is so strange. I do things like, "I work today after school. So today I can sleep in." I start my shift right once school gets out, so there is no other time for sleep. I sleep in for comfort. The warmth of my room is something I don't want to leave. I sleep in to avoid the cold, or having to get up and find something to wear. I think about the drives to school when I'm shivering uncontrollably and my hair literally starts to freeze from being wet. My heater that doesn't warm up until I'm already to school. All of that races through my mind. And then my alarm goes off. In fact, five alarms go off. With five minute breaks in between. And I press snooze every time and sometimes, I don't even remember doing it when I wake up and its an hour past the time class started.

I am done trying to give myself reasons to not do the things I need to do. I'm being weak. I'm tired of walking in through the door of my first period class that's centered right in the front of the room and looking at all the faces people give me while they're taking their notes. I'm sick of hearing my dad in the living room every night answering his phone and going along word by word with what the automatic message he now has memorized is saying. Today I looked at my grade that was posted on the wall.. 11% is where I'm at.. Failing. And I am not a failure. I want to feel proud of myself again.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Below freezing

"You're doing horrible in school your room is always trashed. You are never home. I don't trust you. I'm not gonna let you move into the new room we built because you'll just destroy it. You can never do the things I need you to do, right. You're leading your life in the wrong direction."
"Well thanks for giving me a chance. I know the way I'm living isn't right, but I plan to change that for myself. I'm changing that for myself right now."
"There isn't a day that goes by that I don't get a call from school either absent or tardy, every single day. Your grades are terrible. You're not going to graduate. I don't know what you're planning on doing, but you better start making better choices."
"I don't understand anything I'm learning when I show up to my first period class. Whenever I show up I feel like such a failure. I hate my bad habits so much, I want to break them so bad. I can't make myself wake up on time, ever. I can't make myself sleep, ever. Whenever any of us are at a low point in life you never try to understand. Anything that you can't live by, you don't try to understand, or motivate us to do better. To remind us that we can do it. You can't accept it so you don't know what to do with us."
"What does that have to do with you not taking pride in anything?"
"So much."
"What's a low point for you? Every single day."
"That's the thing, you see me as a failure. You will never be able to pay attention to the good things in me if there's other things in my life that aren't perfect. You don't pay attention to the person I've become, and the fact that you only bring out the bad person in me. You don't pay attention to the fact that I've learned maturity and am working on my own and making my own money.. To you, if everything isn't right, then it's all wrong.. You try to give me your life to the point where you make me feel like mine isn't right."

"The problem with you is every single thing that I do good in, you want to be able feel it's your success. Every single thing I fail in, you want to fix. You want control over all parts of my life."

"It's hard to believe for yourself when you feel like the people that should the most, don't. I don't understand how you could ever lose faith or trust in your own kids.."
"You have to earn trust and then that starts to happen. When you quit lying. Once you can gain back my trust, then maybe we wouldn't have any problems. Once you prove to me that you can put your life together.. then maybe you can have the things you want."
"I'm not going to go change all of my life and my problems so I can switch into a new bedroom. I'm not ever going to put my life into order for you. It's not as easy to just jump away from all of my habits, just for you, right once you tell me to. You never see my progress and think what you see is all I am. You never trust anyone. Even when things are good with us, I mess something up once and your trust is gone all over again. I don't want to fight for my own dad to love me or trust me or understand me. That's not how it works.. and if that's how it is for you, I don't want to try anymore."

Monday, December 7, 2009

Memories for better times

Tonight I called off work because david was in the hospital again. I had to show up and tell the front desk I'm his ride home so they could give him his shot. It's a shot that drugs him up so he'll be numb to the migraine for the night. They told me he shouldn't have even driven himself there. That his migraine is so bad that he can hardly even see straight.

My dad and Susan showed up to pick up his car for him, and alyssa came to give him a ride home. We were all silent in the waiting room. I looked over at my dad, he had his head down in silence. He said, "I'm so sick of coming here. I'm so sick of david not changing anything in his life to fix this." He crossed his arms and looked up and says, "I give up. I can't try anymore. I've tried long enough." We all stopped talking and looked over at the door each time it opened, thinking it was him. It wasn't. My dad says to Alyssa, "It really hurts me that he never answers my calls. He never will text me back. He never comes when I invite him to dinner. I've tried everything I can.." And I was shaking my head out of anger.. "There's nothing else I can do." My dad and I started to argue about what trying really is. I told him if he really cared, if he was really trying, he would never give up. I told him that caring isn't calling to say, "You need to quit all that crap and pull yourself together." That isn't going to make David want to change his life. My dad has never been able to understand us at our weakest points, and never trys to. He forces us out of it by making us feel even more weak. I don't think you can force change on somebody, but it's easier to pick yourself up when you know somebody believes you can. When somebody understands where you are at. Alyssa said to him that when David looks back on all of this when he's better, he needs to know that we were all there caring for him. He doesn't want to look back on all the people that gave up on him.

Dad goes, "Dustin, Susans son lives in China. He's in town for the month and I see him more than I see my own son that lives 15 minutes away. Dustins across the seas, and I feel jealous about their relationship because even that's something I don't have.. Sometimes I wish it made it easier to pretend that Dustin was my son."

The doors opened and David walked out into the waiting room pale white and taking his steps very slowly. He was shaking and wrapped in his brown coat he always wears that seems to be getting bigger and bigger on him. It's so hard looking at him. He was staring straight forward towards the ground with his dialated eyes. In the middle of my dad telling him about a doctor he found, in the middle of Alyssa telling him to call in sick to work, in the middle of susan talking about how much eating habits can change, he looked up at me and said, "Thank you for coming." And he tried to smile. As we all walked outside, my dad trailed behind david and said, "You should come to the house sometime and see everything that I've remodled since you've last been there." You could hear the desperatness in his voice. But David was too doped up to reply, and so my dad just kept walking behind him. Before they got in the car my dad tried giving david a hug but it ended up being him putting his arms around david and holding on tight while david gave him a small pat on the back.

I went to my car in the parking structure and I sat there for a minute shivering and waiting for the car to warm up, and I cried. I wish David wanted to help himself, and I wish my dad knew David loves him but doesn't know how to show it.

Finding where you found me

Last night was the first night that I actually made myself go do something after work. I spent it with people that I usually don't, or people that I don't even like all that much. But it was nice because it was something new. For once. I grow addicted to nights like last night because it's all things that I know won't be predictable, like my life is now a days. It's all a bunch of conversations that normally wouldn't be said, and things that will be forgotten, a lot of, "Lets do something next weekend." A lot of swapping numbers and new contacts that you never really even end up texting.

At one point while at Adias I snuck away from everybody and went upstairs where no one was and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the counter and pulled out my phone. I wanted to call you.. And I didn't know why. But I knew you wouldn't want to hear what I was doing or why I didn't come over. I called Michele. We were laughing as I was quoting to her all the things people downstairs were saying to me, and telling her all the convestaions I had with people about her. After she hung up, I sat there for a little bit longer and thought about stopping by Stephanies. By suprise. Showing up to say hi. I had my fun. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be there. Then I remembered I had to give rides home. I remembered that I was drunk. So I went back downstairs and I stayed.. Went back downstairs and listened to Mariah tell me about the girl she wanted to fight, and talked to Paige about how she hates being the one who has to drive her drunk best friend around every weekend. Smoked with Adia outside, and kept drinking the drinks I was handed from people I don't even know. Going up to old friends and talking to them about why we stopped talking, posing in pictures and smiling really big, laughing so hard at Joey mopping the floor with the biggest mop I had ever seen, listening to Parkers stories, and watching Taylor and Joey tango.

It's nice to get out of my house and feel things that aren't so real. But it doesn't make me any less alone. It doesn't make anything easier the next day, because the next morning when I wake up with my head pounding and hungover, the first thing I think about is you after reading your message you had sent when I got off work asking me what I was doing. Somehow I make myself think that it was wrong of me to go out.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


"Why didn't you sleep last night?"
"Over something stupd.."
"Waiting for her to call."
"Why did you want her to call? What'd you have to say?"
"Nothing really I just wanted to talk."
"And did she end up calling?"
"No.. And then I was just angry.. Which is what kept me up"

"Where are you going after third?"
"I don't know, she's not answering so I guess home."
"Do you want to go some where else?"
"No, not really."

But most important..

"It takes away a lot of my energy."
"What does? Work?"
"No. Her. And the time I spend hanging how I feel onto what she ends up doing. If we make plans and she ends up doing something else she doesn't care enough to call or tell me. And then it's me just basing my day off of guessing what she'll do, or what I should do. Nothing is ever straight forward, because she makes it that way."
"Don't you realize what you were trying to do from the start?"
"I sort of forgot what or why."
"You told me that you were trying to love her without depending on her, or even being around her because you knew that was taking too much of you. What happened to that plan?"
"I gave in. Because I still care."
"You'd still be caring both ways.. Just with your original plan you weren't being so vulnerable.."
"So what do I do?"
"You wait. You can love her all you want but I know it hurts not feeling loved back. You wait until she's ready to love you by more than just saying it."

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


It's so selfish of me to ask you to pay attention to us when you need to pay attention to you more than anything else. I'm lying if I say I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore. Because at the end of the night, I still love you. When I don't want to be anywhere else, I still want to be with you. No matter how upset I get with the things you do, it doesn't make me hate you. There is a lot of hurt in our relationship, yeah. But there's so much more between all of that. I can't make myself stop wanting this. I can't tell myself to keep going and not look back, and actually do it. I can't push myself away from what I feel.

I don't know what will happen, if everything will happen all over again, or where we'll end up. But it doesn't matter right now.

Molli said to me, "No one can prepare themselves to fall in love, and you can't prepare yourself for what happens when you fall out."

It's the in between part we have to enjoy. Not where it ends up. Because it will end up the way it's meant to end up. And there is no reason to back away from something that you strongly believe and know you need.. I love you. And I'll be here for you as whatever you need me to be.. Whether we're together, or if I'm just there as your friend. I'll always listen, and I'll always help. And if we both decide that I do need to move on, it doesn't mean I have to walk away. That's not the only way to move on. And if we're ever apart, it doesn't mean we can't still love. I'll do whatever it takes for you to love yourself. Even if that means you not loving me anymore.

Add to the list of all the places we hate

Tonight is one of the reasons that I know that we are both ready to get out of this town. You need to escape this more than anything. And no, I don't want to leave to escape anything, but what thing that we do have that's mutual about our wants for leaving Eugene is because we both want to feel something new. I can't even remember the number of times I've sat on the phone with you while your mom is screaming in the background. You'll set down the phone and I just hear it continuing. She always comes in when we're in the middle of talking about something good. Which seems to be her pattern of doing things, coming into the middle of good things to ruin whatever she can. I hate her for the things she says to you so much. There have been so many times where I want to hang up on you just so I can call her and yell out the things I was holding in the whole time listening to you two fight.

This has always been a usual things for us, having to laugh off everything she's saying. Things that could hurt us so bad, but we chose to ignore. Her saying, "I'll call Michaels dad and tell him what your father's doing to me. He'll listen. I'll tell him what he did to Michael's mother."

That's one thing I hate her for so much. It's either, "I know what happened to Michaels mother." Or it's, "I know what Michaels mother did to them." and then she yells, "She left them." The worst thing anybody could ever say to me is something about my mom. You don't touch that. It's not your fault she says all of these things, and you don't have to feel guilty for it. Nothing she said tonight made sense what so ever. And I hope that those things, the ridiculous things she said tonight do not eat away at you. And I hope you know that nights like tonight, when you're in your room reading, and she's screaming and crying and throwing things downstairs, telling you about ending her life, you can always call me and I'll grab my car keys and be right out the door to pick you up in my car with the heater on and music playing, and a blanket for you in the front seat. To take you to dennys where we get hot chocolate and talk for a couple hours. You are always safe here, you're always safe with me.

Monday, November 30, 2009

And all the lights that lead the way are blinding..

I miss the way I felt when I first started loving you. When that's all that I felt. And there was nothing else. It's weird thinking back on it, how separated we were forced apart. And how bad we wanted to break it. I would be so excited to get home to call you, just to hear your voice. I wouldn't sleep because I didn't ever want to hang up the phone. I remember nights when Erick would drive me to your house and we'd park outside and wait in the car for an hour until you could sneak out. And how excited I was to be in the back seat with you. It was so unreal when I could actually see you. I felt so many things at once. Everything was brand new. After we'd drop you off, Erick would drive me home, and the whole way back I'd talk about you. I couldn't stop. The next few weeks, when I couldn't see you, I was still so happy from just one night of being able to see you. And you never left my mind.

I loved sneaking you into my house. I remember the first time I asked you out.. Erick was asleep on the couch across from us in my room, and we were laying in my bed. I'd wake you up to a kiss, and then when you would fall back asleep I'd just pretend to. The whole time I was so nervous to ask you. When I woke you up again, and said it, you said "Yes.." and we laughed quietly and you said, "Finally." And then we fell back asleep and I couldn't stop smiling. When you left that night, I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt so alive.

There was a feeling rushing through my veins that I had never felt before and I never wanted it to stop.

Can't go any further than this

Good morning, I can't make myself get out of bed.

"You know when you'd always correct me when I'd say she's not the right girl for you? And you'd say she was? The right girl for you is someone who will love you just as much as you love her and want to be with you just as much as you want to be with her. That is who is right for you."

"But nobody knows who's right for me or who isn't, except for me. To me, she is the right one for me, I'm just not the right one for her. And I know that should change everything but it doesn't. I love her more than she loves me. What I feel with her is exactly spot on what I always wanted to feel with someone, and that's all that matters to me. All the messy parts don't make her any less right for me. I wish she wanted what I want. I don't know how to move on from her, but I think that telling myself that I need to is a really good first step. That's one thing that I've never done."

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have to let go.
I feel useless, I feel stupid, ugly, and alone.

Love for granted

Tonight I realized that no, I don't want to move on from you. But I need to move on from you. And tonight is when I start. Tonight is the last night that I come across you flirting with other boys and get upset about it. You will never have enough male attention, even when you have me. You go from telling somebody the sweetest thing I have ever said to you, to telling them how good looking they are. You don't love me. You don't want the same things that I do. Pushing things away, or holding off on things was the only way I knew how to keep you around. Otherwise, I don't know how. I am constantly on edge. I'm always afraid. It's always me that has to bring us back together. Tonight was the last time that I'll call and hear your answering machine. The last time I ask you if I can come see you. I am destroying myself, and the respect I have for myself. I'm not weak, I do know how to leave, but I've waited because I thought I didn't need to. I thought you would listen to the things I needed you to do, or stop doing, but you don't, and I really don't think you ever will. I've put up with that for too long, I've let you be selfish for too long. Maybe this time I should of said something, but I've said it enough and I really don't know what else to say or do.

You say how much you loved yourself back when you were confident. What happens when you get that back? That's when I'm not in the picture anymore, and every other guy is. When you get your phone, that's when your inbox will be filling up with boys who can win your heart by calling you cute. I loved you. I do love you. When we started talking two summers ago, before I even saw you I loved who you were. I never once stopped. I don't know how to stop. I don't know when I'll stop.

I never gave up on you after all the times you gave up on me. What's so hard is that even though you put so much fear into me, when I'm with you, it's all gone. And not only do I not fear you, but I fear nothing at all. Every single thing felt right. You felt so right. And I really am scared that I won't ever find that with anybody else, all the things I felt with you. I don't know if I'll ever meet somebody that I felt so comfortable with. Or someone that loves all of the things that I love with out having to adjust to me.

You are so hard to let go of. It's not going to happen quickly. It's going to take time. And it's going to hurt. I want to keep us alive, more than anything else, but it's pulled me away from loving the things I normally love. It's pulled me away from other people. And it's pulled me away from myself. It's taking away all of my energy. I can't feel like this anymore. I can't keep living like this.

'Oh, these days are gone
Loud enough to hold on
I think about the time we wasted
I think about the years to come
It's getting late and I can't call
It's getting late to face it all
I think about the time we wasted
My loneliness has slowly grown
I told you not to cross the line
& leave me with your love for granted
The letters from your broken heart
I think I might have lost them somewhere

Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets

It doesn't matter right or wrong
As long as you are hiding somewhere

Even though we've said it all
I would never let us fall with you
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in
If it is for better'

Thursday, November 26, 2009


When I looked around at all the people surrounding the candle lit table at dinner tonight, I wished my mom was sitting next to me. And I wish she didn't cry every holiday. I wish it was more than just a phone call that brought us together on days like this, but I am thankful.

When I looked across the table and saw Susan and my Dad holding hands and laughing, and drinking their wine, I thought about how happy I am that my dad isn't alone anymore. I thought about the times when me and my brothers would go out on weekend nights and we'd come home to him asleep on the couch in the living room, alone. With popcorn next to him and the main menu of a movie replaying over and over on the screen. Even when he was so alone, he still tried to make himself happy, on his own. And I thought about all of the women he dated that ended up leaving him, and how much it hurt him each time. When I looked at him and Susan I was so happy that he is finally exactly where he wants to be. I thought about how I call them my parents. And how they are parents to me. Even if nobody can ever take my moms place. And that my relationship with my mom is still so strong and kept together no matter how big the distance is between us.

I looked at David and thought about how nice it is to see him smile. How great it is to be with him when he's in between his pain, and feeling okay. And how all of the text messages in my phone were from him. How when we all lived together at the old house, I really felt like I didn't know him at all, and now we're so close. When we were in the basement, I didn't mind that I wasn't added into the conversation. I just wanted to listen. Matthew was so interested in all the things David had to say, and all the things he had to show him. And it was nice for David to be able to just talk to somebody about things. To feel something new. And to know that there's still people there that love him, no matter what. And even though it scares me that I don't know what he's going to do next, or how he talks about going into the army, at this moment he was sitting across from me and we were laughing at all the things my Grandpa is saying. And that's all that matters.

My family will always be the glue that has kept me together. And no matter how much we run away from each other, or push each other away, we are the most important things we all have. I miss my mom every single day. And I wish she could feel what I felt tonight. I want to fall asleep to her opening my door and whispering goodnight like she used to. I want to be wrapped in the comfort of knowing that she's here. But it's important to remember.. that it's important to remember.. My mom did feel this at one point, what I feel at this point.. She wants the same things that I do. And we're under the same sky. It's nice to know that tonight, even though she has a terrible fever, she's laying in bed with her husband, both of them sick together, and they're comfortable, and they're okay, and they're in love, and they're happy. And really, when all of my family is okay, I am too. I don't need anything else but to know that they're all happy.

That's what I'm thankful for. That tomorrow will be a new day, and maybe we'll all feel somethind different. But tonight we fall asleep with love inside of us, and nothing else.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Still - Volcano Choir

I keep taking things.. with out taking them in.

Justin came into town again this weekend. And it made me realize that every time I go to pick him up and bring him here, it's because each time I'm hoping it will feel somewhat like it used to. Our silence is weird. I hate it, but at the same time love the fact that it's not uncomfortable at all when it's so quiet that I can hear the rain falling on my car window.

What we did wasn't what I would of planned. We were never combined with each others friend groups. It was always just us. Now we have to be around other people to have fun. We never needed that before. I didn't want him to meet my friends, because he really doesn't know how to be social with anyone anymore, and none of them would understand him. I didn't want to smoke with him, because when he's high he's even more quiet. I didn't want to take him to a party where every ones dressed up, and he's in basketball shorts and this plain white polo with a big coat on. Where all the people who saw him would laugh and say how random he is. Where when he asks for a drink, girls start yelling at him, "Get your own fucking alcohol."

He'd just stand there. And stare. And at one point I looked over at him, he was standing alone by the table watching a bunch of drunk people playing beer pong. I made eye contact with his red eyes and felt.. alone. This wasn't what was great about our friendship. You can't pull somebody into those things after years of not seeing them, and expect it to feel the same. All of that, he's used to. That's all he has in his town. I want to pull him into something different. But that's not what he wanted, this was what he wanted. And I just wanted him to have fun. I wanted him to talk. When we'd be sitting in my room, or driving nowhere with redbulls in the cup holders, I was okay. This isn't the way I wanted to bring our friendship back to life. If I followed what I really wanted to do, I would of invited him to my house, I would of made food, and put Family Guy on the big screen TV downstairs. I would of hooked up the PS3 so we could play video games. And tell him stories about all the things he's missed out on.

Best friends isn't always forever. And it took years for me to convince myself that. I remember one night my freshman year, during winter, I was in my step moms car in the back seat. My dad in the front seat. I started crying. And I kept trying to blink it away and stay quiet because I didn't want them to see. By the time they parked in the drive way and opened their doors to go inside, I stayed in the back seat and put my head in my hands and let myself cry. It was raining and I was cold. As they were unlocking the front door to go inside my dad looked back and saw that I was still in the car, he turned around and opened the door and asked what was wrong. I told him I wished Justin still lived here. I said, "I'm not going to be the same person with out him as a friend. My life won't be the same." And he said, "But maybe you can remember that person you were when he was a friend." And for months I thought about how if maybe I don't lose the person I was when he was my friend, then maybe I can still feel good about our friendship. And I myself could be a constant reminder of what used to be great.

But I didn't keep that. And no, I don't regret the person I became with out him around. But I do regret ever bringing him back into my life and creating our friendship into something that it was never supposed to be. I regret making any of this a memory.. and not letting go, and just letting the good ones be the only thing I have to hold onto.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Please, please, please.. Slow it down

I'm just feeling a lot of different things. I probably let unreplied text messages bother me too much, but I really miss my friends. I hate that I'm always asking to see them and that they never want to. I keep thinking about this town, and the people here, and I keep thinking about me leaving it. It's scary, but that's the option that stands out the most to me. And for a while I was thinking, it's too early to feel this. To worry about this. But now I'm feeling like it's too late. Like I've waited too long to make a decision, and everybody else already has their plan figured out.

One thing I've never liked about myself, and my life, is how planned out it is. I've always wanted to be suprised with where I end up or what I end up doing, but usually I know exaclty what I'm doing, and know what I'm going to do next. When I shut one door, I know which one I'll open. But this is all so different. I don't know with this one. It's hard to tell what I want because I'm not going by what I want, but what I want with eveybody else. I want to stay here because there's people I love, and people I've been with my whole life here. Because this city has been my whole life. I want to leave because I feel like if I stay, it'll get the best of me. If I stay, I'm staying because of fear. Right now, I feel like there's a lot that's holding me down from growing and I want to break free from it all. I want to leave because people that were supposed to be with me the rest of my life are leaving too. People I want to be there for the rest of my life.

Eugene holds so many things that I love. And just talking about any of this is really hard for me. Even thinking about it. It's such a scary feeling, feeling like everything that you know is coming to an end. Like everything is wrapping up. It's so hard knowing that no matter where I go, no matter where I stay, I will be losing the things that mean the most to me either way. And the worst part, that this is my last year being young...this young.. and I don't even know how to enjoy it anymore.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

"I feel like you only love me when you feel alone"
"What do you mean?"
"Like when you're in portland and you have all your friends, and you're having fun, you don't need me. It's when you get back home, and you feel alone, that's when you need me. That's when you love me."
"That's not the only time I feel alone.."

To remember

Over the summer at my Aunt Kris' house in Washington, my mom saw me writing in here. She says, "What is that? What are you typing?" I explained to her what this is, and what it means to me. I told her that I've been writing in here since the beginning of high school and that each post, to me, shows my growth. How I want to be able to look back and read all of this one day. I write in here because sometimes it's easier to spell it out than it is to say to anybody else. I write in here because it helps myself. And she said, "I wish I could read it. I wish I could know what's been going through your mind for all the years that I've missed out on."

Tonight I sealed a huge folder envelope filled with every page written on here, up to today, and tomorrow I'm mailing it to her. Because sometimes phone calls just don't say enough.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten

I kept chcking my phone over and over during work and then realized how fast I jumped back. I'm wondering why did I say I'm great when you asked how I was?
I'm wondering why I'm even replying, so easily.

Wondering how many other guys you're texting right now. If that means anything to you. If I'm worrying over something that doesn't even involve me. If I'm just worrying too much.

I really wish you knew how it felt to be this weak. I'm not saying you haven't felt weak before, but this is such a different kind. Because love has all control over me. It's what really takes the wheel. I have never seeked revenge on you. You have never seen my terrible sides that I've brought out on people that screwed me over before. Tonight Jimmy pointed out how easily I drop people out of my life. And it hurt that he pointed that out. Because sometimes I feel like it's been a strength for me, but then I think about all of the feelings that come along with it. And how even though it's always for the best, how hard it is to walk away from. Because even when you let somebody go, they're still there. I was thinking, why can I let go of everyone else, but not you? Why is it that even when I'm so angry towards you, I still love you.

I don't want to think anymore. I just want to sleep.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I start dreaming I'm supposed to fill it up with something

There is no way avoiding pain. It will always follow us. It will show up in places we never expected, and it will stay with us until we find a way to burry it. It's impossible to throw away love. And it's even harder to let go of something that you feel hasn't even begun. When you know there was so much more left, and when you know without completing all of those things, you won't be complete yourself.

No matter how much I try to distract my mind, with people, with money, with alcohol, blocking it out, and pushing it away. You're still always are there. And I'm thinking, why do I keep trying to run away?

I want you so bad, and it hurts so much. Because tonight isn't the same as it was last week. Tonight I think about how you say you do still love me, and I think about how I can have this back. And now I'm thinking about me, for once, about me. And I'm looking at what I want vs. what I need, and that's so hard. It is so hard to seperate the two and following what's right. Sometimes I think, fuck what's right, I think, why should you ever go against your wants? Blocking out what everybody advises me to do, because people keep forgetting I still love her. Even if it's wrong. Even if I shouldn't. I start thinking.. let me do this, one more time. Let me do it right this time.

I want to drop my fear. I want to feel something different than this.
I want you back. And I want me back.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Wet and Rusting

"And when you unravel the secret will travel
It's hard to take risks with a pessimist

I hope that this shaking will help us awaken
Separated by skin until we let ourselves in
It's hard to take risks with a pessimist
It's hard to take risks

I hope one will burn me, I know you’ll desert me
This is the closest I’ve come to touching you the way I want
The hope can be painful, I’ll try to be faithful
It’s hard to take risks.."

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I don't want anymore reasons

My whole weekend I looked for ways to get you off of my mind, but really ended up doing the complete opposite. I even ended up talking about you with people I didn't even know. And it hurt because no matter how many times I tried to distract myself, you would always show up again.

I could not outrun you.

Your phone call was the hardest part of my night. And I know you're sorry, but I won't forget the way I felt hearing you laughing in the background while all those other guys were talking on the phone. At that second, I did not know you at all. I went through days wanting just to hear your voice, one time, and through that phone call it was different. The tone of your voice and everything. It was a side of you that I had never seen come out. I was outside of the party, and at that point I just wanted to turn around. When we got in, it was the last place I wanted to be. I kept picturing you with them. It made me feel sick. Just for one night, I wanted to enjoy myself, and fall asleep with out you on my mind. Only thinking about things that made me feel better.

I know you've always been impulsive. But I hope you really do learn to put some control on that. I hope you really do realize that you do not have to hurt me to move on from me. You don't have to hate me first. And I promise, I won't play this game back. You don't have to be afraid.

I know pain is a natural part of this whole process, but the kind that's created is not.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

You don't have to be alone

"If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I'd still have all of my friends."

We left because of you. And I hope one day you learn to stop passing the blame over onto everyone else. I feel sorry for you, because I know you want your friends again more than anything. I should of never talked to you again. Because I know it completely messed with your heart. I do miss the fun we used to have together, so much. But I liked the things we did, and the places we went, all the things that made me happy, more than the base of our friendship itself. It was good. It was really good for a long time. But I know better. I know that anybody that can't feel love for themselves isn't going to be able to be the friend I need them to be. You drove me into hate, too. And it was ruining so many things around me. It's hard because, I don't want to be your friend, and you're trying so hard to make it like it used to be. Every day that I've re spent with you, the only words that came out of your mouth were negativity towards people that really care about you. And it wrapped me back to the beginning.. You never appreciated the things you had.

I hope you will let yourself hate me. Because I won't be the friend you want me to be, not again. I don't have any desire for it back. It's hard seeing the excitement in you when we're all around. Last night I knew how hard it was for you. I can say in your position, I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I couldn't believe the things they were saying to you. It's hard seeing you cry, and knowing how unhappy you are. If you think it's cruel that I push you away, when you need the opposite so badly, you have to remember I still have feelings. I am not heartless. Maybe this is a perfect time for you to for once, take care of yourself. Now that there's nobody else to worry about. I do have hope for you, and really, I do hope for the best. I want to see you happy. Last night, when you were in the same room as emilee I hope you saw it as a perfect chance to put everything that happened with her in the past. You have spent two years trying to let go. Do it now. Don't let yourself stay in this rut any longer. Run away while you can.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Fair was never a part of the game

'I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning with out you on my mind. So you're gone, and I'm haunted. And I bet that you're just fine.

Did I make it that easy to walk in and out of my life?'

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cammisha stayed at my house last night. And she listened to me. And for a while we sat in silence, because there wasn't much to say, but she was there. And I'm just happy about that. She fell asleep long before me. I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking. It made things a little easier when I woke up this morning to see my best friend across the room sleeping on the couch. In the morning we drove to school and it was silent. The whole time. When I was walking to class, she texted me.

"Last night I had a dream that we were at a bank and every man in front of us looked sketchy, looked like a robber, and we kept getting tense, and nervous, but each one would receive their money, and then walk away quietly. As we approached the counter the man who was standing behind us who looked completely normal, one we never were scared of. he pulled out a gun. we ducked down in front of him. In front of the counter. As he proceeded to rob the bank. Out of the whole group of people, the one we least expected to rob us, was the one who did."

She said, "It's weird finding messages in our dreams. It feels like our unconscious mind can completely spell out what our awake mind is trying to say."

And it's true that fear is the heart of love

Last night before a couple hours of tossing and turning. I read over our message one more time, and I fell asleep feeling better. Waking up was the hard part. Going through today was the hard part. But I keep fighting to remember that it's okay to feel like this. I don't have to pretend I'm okay. I don't have to push this away, at all. Because it's real, and it happened.

"I just want to know how do you let go of something you don't want to let go of, something that you thought you've always known."

"Why do you feel like you need to let go?"

"Because I don't think I get it back this time. I don't think I can go back anymore."

"there are a lot of questions I could ask, like if you love her, and if you feel like you need her...or if you feel like part of your happiness depends on her being around. it just depends. If you really feel like you need to let go, then do it. it's not about knowing how, it's about making a conscious decision to do it. a lot of people skip that step."

"It's really hard. Because I feel everything you described. I do feel like I need her. It hurts because she said "there's no reason for falling out of love, it just happens" She destroyed us, and I feel like next she will destroy me.
And I'm all I have left."

"michael, you're allowed to love her without being around her. it's just a different kind of love. love what you had and what could possibly come. keep positive thoughts. that really is so important...because the more you look at it as a bad thing, the more it will hurt, and harder it will be to move on. as important as I believe love is...the love for yourself is far more important. love yourself and let go if you really feel like it's what you need to do. take care of you right now."

And what helped me the most..
"do not be afraid of feeling lost or confused or scared.
because if you work it out in the end, it will only make it better.

...Never be afraid of the things you love."

Dear Michael,

"I'm about to write you a meaningful letter to you, so when you're reading this, set your phone aside and enter a quiet room.. Let me list some of the things I love about you. I love how you randomly hug me throughout the day. We always act as if we haven't seen each other in a long time, when really it's only been a few days at the most. I love your smile. I love when you look me in the eyes. I even love the way you walk. There's something special and unique about everything you do. I love how sometimes when we kiss, you'll put your thumbs through the belt loops of my pants to pull me closer.

My favorite nights of the summer are the ones spent with you, doing things like eating Arbys, going to Blockbuster, and ending the night in bed talking.
I love who and how I am around you. I even notice a difference in my laugh whenever I'm with you. I love how the smallest things you do can bring me comfort, or make me want to lean over and kiss you. Like, when we're holding hands, and you'll lightly move your thumb over my hand. I may sound like a creep, but it's the little things like that, that I notice most.

I can't even imagine you doing all the things you do with me, with another girl. This may sound selfish, but I never want you to feel the way you do about me for anyone else. I know that I could never feel this way about anyone but you. Each and every time I see you, I fall more in love with you. I'm in love with you and all the things you do.

That one night when we were in my backyard with Jimmy and Pj, we ended up talking about who we'd end up marrying and I said, "I really wonder who I'll be married to later on." I secretly wanted you to get sad about that, or elbow me and hint towards how you wanted us to stay together in the future. During all that time, I could honestly picture our lives together, staying together.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I hang on your every word

What hurts is when I was there with you, you weren't happy, and when she comes back in, you are. I can't help but point it all towards myself. I was there with you through the lonely nights and I feel like you forgot that. I know, you wanted it back more than anything. But why is it that whatever she does or says can bring you up so much more than what I say or do?

And why is it even when you are happy, I still feel like you're looking for the next best thing?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

It fits into place, fits in this place

Sometimes it doesn't take much to flip everything right side up again.
We just have to wait.

Last night I talked to my friends that I thought didn't want me around anymore, I woke up next to Stephanie. Laying together, showing each other songs. I came home with Cammisha to my dad making us hot chocolate. I'm ending it in my room, reading. And I guess sometimes, I don't feel alright until I know what's coming up. Until I know what's in front of me.

I'm going to be okay. This year isn't going to stay like this. I'm falling into better times.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Good morning

"Wake up, It's eleven"
"I just wanted to sleep in this morning, I don't get to anymore."
"Get up. Maybe you shouldn't of been out all night last night."
"Dad.. I came home at 11. Are you serious? I came into your room and said I was here and you mumbled back lock the door, two times."
"I don't remember that at all.."
"Of course you don't. You were half asleep. But before I left I said goodnight again."
"Do you think I'm lying?"
"Yeah I think you're lying. What else would you do?"
"What? Dad, who would I be out all night with? I don't have anybody to be out all night with."
"You were probably at Stephanies. And I know her dad wouldn't approve."
"I wasn't, dad."
"You have a serious problem with telling the truth."
"And you have trust issues."
"No, just with you. Maybe if you got up your grades, and showed up on time at night. Maybe if you cleaned your room when I tell you to."
"Why is it that you still yell at me about my room, even when it's clean? Doesn't that say something."
"What's your plan when you're 18? Obviously you don't plan on graduating. But what else?"
"Thanks dad. Stop there. Don't talk to me."
"I hope you plan on moving out. Since you're 18, I don't have to keep you here. And I don't want you here. Our lives would be a whole lot easier with out each other. I'd start saving to get away from me. Maybe when your moved out, you can prove to me that I can trust you."
"Don't even try for my trust. Don't trust me, dad. If I'm exactly what you say I am, all I'll do is lie to you, let you down, and make you dissapointed everytime you say I'm your son. Your life probably would be easier with out me. I can't say the same. I hate you for doubting me with everything I do."
"And I hate you for giving me reason to."

I left.
And came back to money on my bed.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Need you like water in my lungs

I don't look forward to my weekends. I dread them. It's just three days in a row to make me hate everything just a little bit more. Everyone panics to find something to do, and someone to be with. Anything to keep them away from being by themselves. Like me. Sitting in my room, and waiting for my phone to go off. But I guess this is easier. I was excited to get off work tonight. But when I asked where you were you said, "I have no idea." And I knew asking you any further questions would be a waste of time.

Everyone else didn't respond to my texts, or answer my calls.
Everybody is the the middle of their nights when I'm just trying to start mine.

It's been really hard for me. Tonight while working Jimmy looked at the tip bucket and it was overflowing. He goes, "See. This is why were here." and I go, "But I want to be with my friends." and he says, "I'd rather have clothes than friends." And then he laughed. And I know he didn't mean it. But Jimmy really doesn't see his other friends anymore. And I don't either. We work together all night, go get food, and then go home usually. It's hard because this year, for once, everybody has left me. And everyone says, "They obviously just weren't good friends then." But that's not true. They keep moving, and I haven't been in the picture. I have been missing out and it is nobodies problem but mine.

It is okay to be alone. It's okay to feel like this. To be depressed.
It's hard to feel like everyone else in your life is miles ahead of you. It's hard feel the loss of things you really loved, or to question if you really loved it. It's hard retracing tracks, and going over what has gone wrong. It's hard saying yes. And it's hard saying no.

It's easy to be alone.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Ineloquence and anger

I just want an answer for why you talk to all of these guys that you don't even know. Why you get enjoyment out of leading them on and then telling me to not worry. And how do you not notice it, when you're doing it? I don't talk to girls that I don't know the way that you do. Even when "It's just cause I'm bored." I don't give out my number. I don't tell them to text me.

Yeah, I know, nothing would happen.. I know you're not going to fall in love with every boy you speak to. But why should I even have to get jealous of it in the first place? Why is it that you get "Bored" so often. And why is it that I have to worry about the things they say to you?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm a mountain that has been moved

It's weird staying put in a place like this.
It's like, I feel like I can't get any lower, but I can. I know I can. And it's strange, because when you lose everyone, you end up with people that you'd never expect.

Sometimes you wind up in places that are usually the last place you'd ever want to be again. You're speaking with people that you walked away from. You settle for things that you promised yourself that you would never go back to. And you feel weak. And know that you look weak. But it's all you have.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

That rain that kept falling

I don't have anything to hold onto.
At least it doesn't feel like it anymore.
Everything I love has backed away from me.

I have never felt so alone.

I don't know who to look to help bring me back up. I don't really know how to bring myself back up. I don't want to take a break. I want to come see her at the end of a shitty day. And tell her all about it. Because really, I don't know who else to tell. And she has always listened.

I don't see it in the same way. To me when you're going through a hard time, you don't push away the people you love, you pull them closer. You let them see you at your worst stages. I know I just won't see her temporarily, and I know I should be used to that. But this is when I needed her the most. I thought she needed me too.

I don't want to edit out the sad parts. I want you here.

A stereo and a pile of cassettes

"Your love in a car
and you promised her every thing
not knowing what every thing really was
She's the first girl you kissed
She's the first girl you miss
when you're feeling like this

broke and in the dark

Her hair was a setting sun
her mascara was born to run
you got scared when she started to show
one more thing you'll have to let go"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It's like it's all we have

'So I'll run away to the hopes that I have
but still I fall asleep in the arms of my past
and when I wake so helpless and thinking of that, just lay back down again

every day'

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

May 14th 1992

One thing I try to avoid ever feeling is insecurity. Most of the time, I love myself exactly the way I am. I do care about looking good. And I do it for myself only. Everything I buy, everything I wear, is because it's what I like. I've grown and I've fixed the things I've always wanted to change, and learned to love the things that I can't change.

I try to remember, there is no such thing as ugly.

My mom was on a lot of medication for her migraines after she had my two brothers. I was not a planned baby. It was actually really rare that I was born in the first place. Technically, she was in a place where having a child was a very little chance. When she found out she was having me, she had to go through genetic therapy, or birth therapy. She became dependent on the medication the doctors put her on and when she found out she was pregnant, she had to be taken off of all of the medications at once and left with the pain. But still, she was pregnant with me, and the medication was taken before she even knew I existed. They told her I was going to be born with birth defects. Which is why the therapy was needed in the first place. They said there was a high chance I was going to be born without a jaw bone and with out arms below the elbows. Or, just no elbows. When I was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and they were fighting to keep my alive. My mom said it was the scariest feeling in the world not knowing if I would make it or not. I was born with a perfect face. Jaw bone, and all. Of course, she knew that before, from the ex rays. But she said when she saw me, she knew I was such a miracle baby.

I am grateful for the way I turned out. And for the fact that I'm alive.
I don't feel insecurity anymore because I know that I am meant to be here and that I am meant to be this way. I'm happy to have a mother that loves me, and that I know how to love myself.

Monday, October 5, 2009

When all the years broke down, and the truth opened up

This weekend Justin came into town. I spent my summer staying on the go, and staying busy, and pressing "Ignore" every single time he called. And not because I didn't want to talk to him. I did.. Because he's my best friend. But I was scared. We both moved at the exact same time, from the same neighborhood. He moved to Cottage Grove. I moved to Coburg. And from freshman year until now we had only seen each other one time. At one point I decided I was ready to put mine and his friendship in the past. I felt like I spent too many years wanting it back.

I answered his call this time. And he said he was staying at his Aunt Hollys. Their house used to be mine, too. In a way. I was always there. Or he was always at mine. It was rare that we ever had a day apart. Everyone knew we were best friends. And it always shocked everyone, because of how "opposite" we are. Even though we completely balanced each other out. I didn't hesitate on saying yes to coming over. But I did pull over just to gather my strength to keep pushing on my gas peddle to get to his house. And I kept thinking, "Why is this so hard for me?.." I was scared of what it was going to be like. I was scared because whenever we'd text, I never even understood what he was saying. I didn't know what he was like now. He doesn't know what I'm like now.

We walked to the park. One we used to always go to when we were younger.
He told me about the place he was sent, for troubled teens. And I asked why he was sent there.

"Get this. I was beat up. Really bad. They slammed my head into a fucking pole." I had noticed the scar tissue on his face that went deep into his cut right above his eye. "And after that, I started to feel crazy. I thought for some reason everyone was reconstructing their faces over the summer before they went back to school and felt like I had to reconstruct mine."


"And then I didn't think my mom was my mom."
"Justin.. why.."
"I don't know! I thought it was somebody else in her body. She was saying things all weird, and shit. I told her to get out of my house and started throwing things at her. Nobody around me felt real anymore. So she called my uncle to come pick me up, and then he takes me to this place and tells me that I need to get help or whatever"

I didn't feel scared anymore. For a second I thought, "God. He's insane now." But I realized Justin has always been different. He said, "So I was sent to this place. Where all you do is stay in a room with another crazy person. You eat. You sleep. And then you do it again. We did these activities to gain points and to better our selves. I left there with hella points and a couple bottles full of medication. Multiple pills that I have to take every night to balance out the chemicals in my brain."

Later that night we sat out on the back porch. We were smoking from this really big hookah that Kayla has. We were out there for about three hours. It was freezing. All the neighbors around his house were having parties because the football game had just ended. There was multiple genres of music playing around us from each house. We talked about a lot. I got him caught up on a lot that has happened to me, and it felt like he didn't have much to catch me up on at all. He remembered so many things that I forgot about. I told him that surprised me, and he said, "Well it's because it's all I have to look back on. Our younger lives. The past three years all I've done is sit around at home, and smoke cigarettes. There's nothing else to do in that town. I don't have any friends. You're my only friend." And even though I do the same, I'm just so glad he still considers me his friend. He adds on, "We've always been best friends, you know?" I pointed out were still exactly the same. I said I always pictured graduating with him in my class. I always pictured being on Luella street. He lit another cigarette, "It's funny how things end up, huh?" Just about every couple hours he'd say, "I really like hanging out with you again. We need to more often." I'd always just say, "Yeah, I know."

That night we went to Taco Bell and bought a bunch food. We came home and watched music videos. Kayla was showing me the new tattoo she just got. Kayla used to feel like my sister, too. His other sister Hannah had just gotten back from a concert and was so excited, showing me pictures of her meeting the lead singer. And I felt like I hopped right back into all of their lives at such a random time. But it was like I was never gone at all. I felt like I was back with my family and the only thing that was different about them was the way they looked. I fell asleep in the same room as all of them and at one point woke up and felt so.. good. Looking around. All of them spread out on the floor and the couches. I know that some things, just don't come back. That nights like these, nights that used to happen over and over again, narrow down to every once in a while. Every couple months. Every other year. Sometimes they never happen again. I tried to hold onto that feeling. I was hoping maybe I could change that. Maybe since I have a car now, I can go pick Justin up more often.

The next day during my break at work, I drove him home. On the way I asked him when he'll be coming back again. He said, "Probably in a couple months." When I expected a couple weeks. I asked him if I picked him up, would he be able to. He said his dad will probably say no. We got to his house and I wished we hadn't. I didn't want to picture my passenger seat being empty again. He thanked me for the ride and we "pounded fists" before he got out. He said he'd text me.

I already really miss Justin and I'm not sure when I'll see him next.
But I know, and he knows, that our friendship will always be one that can never be forgotten, broken, or changed. I will never forget that night.

Friday, October 2, 2009


Tonight I worked my last shift with her before she leaves for California.

The whole way home I cried. She's one of the only people I've ever met that genuinely cares about somebody before she even knows them. For this first month of my senior year, I sometimes felt like she was my only best friend I would talk to at the end of my day. She was who I spent my weekend nights with from four until ten. She made me feel important when I told her things that everyone else would see as unimportant. She really rubs off on people. She really gets people attached. I'd see her friends, or people that know her, come into the restaurant all the time, and they'd be talking with her, and laughing, and she always knew what to say. She always was good with anything on the spot, and then she'd get busy, and have to walk away and they'd still be there and you could see that they just wanted to her to come right back.

She taught me to drop things that shouldn't stay in my head too long.
She made me laugh my real laugh.

I learned a lot about people and myself because of her.
She has changed me in so many ways.

It's hard letting go. Especially with people like Katrina.
She will always be such a big part of me.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Shooting the stars down

It's really hard having nothing to look forward to when the week is over.
I'm really lonely lately. I don't talk to a lot of my friends. Some of them won't even acknowledge me. I guess by this point in high school, all the ones that weren't meant to last, fall off. And you're with a couple close ones that were always meant to be there. I know that's how I've always been told it works.

But I miss my friends making plans with me.
Nobody has asked me to do anything for basically the majority of September. Probably because they figure I'll be busy with work anyway.

I am happy with the people I have in my life. No doubt about it.
It's just hard seeing how everyones senior year already seems so great. Today I came home for half of second period and lunch because I didn't know who else I'd go with. Bryant has no classes so he's never at school. And the class we do have together, he won't talk to me, since he's with Justin. Sydney and I are weird lately. I need to share Cammisha with her friends. We work together and she might be soon living with me too. We're always together. She's one friend that I never have to worry about spending too little of time with or too much. Because no matter what, she will always be the best friend I have ever had and ever will have. I didn't even want to bother texting other people that I could think of, so I just left. This is supposed to be the best year of high school. And I just can't seem to find any type of thrills.

Monday, September 28, 2009

"The ups and the downs, the sames and the changes, all the money in the world still don't make it painless"

Fire and Rain

The feeling of standing by my car saying goodbye is a very familiar and difficult feeling to feel. I remember one night, maybe it was the last night of summer, I know for sure it was close to the end. We were standing in the middle of the street in front of your house. You barefoot. And me with my keys in my hand. I said, "When September comes around are things gonna go back to.." You interrupted and said, "No." And then I get in my car, and I drive away. And I knew that tomorrow I'll see you again.

But tonight was different. Everything around me was blocked out. It was just me and you. And the concept of time was questioned. It was freezing out. But I couldn't even pay attention to my senses. I tried spilling out everything that I needed to say to you. I rehearsed it in my head over and over while I was at work. And it felt like I only had one time to say it. I don't know how to be forced away from you, again. I wish that I could make an impact on you're decisions, just this once. But then I started to feel like everyone else around you trying to guide the way they want you to go. So I stopped. And I tried my hardest to see the way you do. And I wanted to help. I hope I helped.

Just promise me that tomorrow when you wake up, and my optimistic words start to seem so unrealistic, that you'll remember that you have to push your self through it. Prove it to yourself. You're stronger than you think. And remember, you're doing this for you. And nobody else.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

'I'm heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.

I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. We're never alone.
Coordinate brain to mouth.
Then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us

This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
This is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us'

The more you try to erase me, the more I appear

I completely risked my social life tonight for reasons that I can't say. But reasons that nobody will ever find out. Reasons that would of turned a house full of people against me. I'm good at hiding things, I'll give myself that, I hide it with smiles and laughs, even when in the most uncomfortable and scary situations. Faking things is becoming surprisingly easier as the years add up. And I think that's a good thing. We all have to do it every once in a while to save ourselves. We will be the only two that really know what I did. And I'm glad you told me not to worry about it. I'm not anymore. I ended up having one of the best times I've had in a long time. I was with people I never see anymore, people that I've really missed. and everything was exactly the same as it's always been.

It's funny how when things end with people, it's not always clear how the other person feels. It's weird looking back and talking about how I was always the first one to leave. Or not remembering what even happened that separated me from them in the first place. But people like Cameron, Nick, Andrew, and Rayven never let things come between. And really, they haven't changed a bit ever since I've been away from them.

I love new beginnings.
And what I love even more, is old friends becoming new friends.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash

Showing up at Jacobs house tonight was the last thing I expected myself to do. It was just a bunch of people that I don't care to know, or people that know me very well but can't even give a smile in return. It probably doesn't help that I came with people that I don't trust. I didn't see why I even said I'd go. I didn't want to be with them. He walked up to us and said, "Are you guys having fun? This is my party. You guys are at my party." He walked over to the bar table he has in his upstairs living room and I remembered the time when he threw a pillow at me and it missed and hit and broke his dads bottle of tequila instead. I remembered how awful that night turned out. How much his dad cared about a bottle of tequila over his words he threw at his son. I pushed him through that night. I looked into his room and saw the small doors that opened into his attic and remembered the time when we smoked in there after stumbling home from some girl Danas house. Everything got really weird. I started feeling weird being in his house again but not talking to him. And seeing him with all of his new friends that "run our senior class." I pushed my way through all of them. I walked three floors down, each floor, remembering something else. I put on my shoes, grabbed my keys, and left. And I was thinking, "Maybe that was the last time I'll ever be in that house again."

When the roof caved in

"When do you get off?"
"I'll be here until 10:30"
"Are there any parties going on tonight?"
"A couple"
"Do you think you could ask your brother to get alcohol and I'll go pick it up?"
"Nah, he won't. And I don't want to ask"
"K guess I'm just going home tonight then, there's nothing else to do"
"Really? Nothing else? What are you doing tomorrow night? Lets hang out"
"Nicks party for his 18th birthday, are you going?"
"No I wasn't invited, we don't talk anymore. We plan to hang out, but really it never happens"

And then it's 10:30. And I'm off.

"Where are you? What are you doing?"
"Going to Jonathons party, are you off? you should come"
"I don't wanna show up alone, I think I'll pass"

The conversations dropped, I switch to someone else.

"What are you doing? Are we still hanging out tonight?"
"We're going to smoke with Alex. You should come"
"I don't know Alex. I think I'll pass.."

None of my friends can come up with anything else to do, but when I think about it, if we were doing anything else it would end up being one of those nights where we all call it a night and go home. I had a half an hour between the time I got out of school and the time I started working to relax. All through out my shift I kept thinking about what I wanted to do tonight. I'm now sitting at home on my bed, counting my tips, and eating food. I'm really used to being alone lately. I'm used to being let down with my plans that I make. I just wish for once someone told me what the plan is. I want to be picked up, and taken wherever. I don't want yes or no options anymore.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

We were fated to pretend

Tonight at work Katrina told me about how life changing her first year on her own was. How that's when you learn the most through experiences, partying, part time jobs, you draw some conclusions and for once start to have your mind set on what you want. In a way, I'm excited to cut myself free from all of the things I'm tied on to in this town. It's scary. I'm scared. But I mean, that's really when I start my life. I watch her. And she's living how I picture myself in about a year. That's what scares me the most. Just one more year.

When I walked in the door tonight my dad was in his room, I went in and said goodnight. He asked how my day was and I said "I'll tell you about it tomorrow." Just a minute ago he came and knocked on my door and asked if everything was alright. I said yes and then asked why. He said, "Because, you said you'd tell me about everything tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure that every thing's alright." Every thing is alright. I just simply wanted to tell him about the details of my day. I said, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's all good. Don't worry." and he said, "Okay, good. Now I can sleep. I love you." I gave an I love you, back. And that's what I'll miss if I ever leave this town. Leaving everything that I've ever known. Leaving family. I know I'll meet new people, I'll make new friends. But leaving family is different. I want my dad to do things like fix my car, and help me move in. I want to have him over to my place and cook dinners for him and Susan. And then I think about myself in California. When I only see him every couple months. It's hard to think about being away from him at all.

I know it's supposed to be something every senior in high school looks forward to, moving out, being on their own. But really, I can't picture coming home and not seeing my dads face.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I'm the same as I was when I was six years old

As a kid, whenever we'd play tag, there would always be a "Base." I always included that in the rules every time I'd play with anyone, even if they didn't want it. It was a "Safety zone" that you could step into and stay for a couple seconds to catch your breathe and then your resume running from the one chasing you.

It's funny to think about it like this, but maybe the games we played as kids had subliminal messages. Maybe there was a lesson tied on to all of them.

I have my own little safety zones, still. I have multiple. My safety zone is Stephanies house, in her dark room with her light that spins reflecting blue across the walls. Wrapped up in blankets. Whispering in each others ears. My safety zone is behind the wheel with Cammisha, when we drive past people we know, saying things they can't hear. While we listen to our favorite songs and tell each other things no on else can know. One is my work, with unfamiliar smiling faces that watch me walk by their tables with a pitcher of water. My coworkers that mean the world to me. Ones that ask you about your day and actually do want to know about it. Ones that make you laugh until you cry. Ones that do things like group hugs. People that actually make you feel the love.

These safety zones are my chances to catch my breathe. snap out of reality in a way. To regain my composure before I'm thrown back into the game. I can't picture life with out them. And I don't want to. I need my safety zones, to save me for just a couple moments from the things that are chasing me down.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Worlds apart

The last time I was with my mom, was my last night visiting her in Washington. It was Cammisha, her, and I in Aunt Kris' living room. And we were talking about my dad. I told her to tell me everything about him. Everything I didn't know. I found out about his wife, that left him and left him with nothing. Literally nothing. A lawn chair, and a letter. And at that very moment, I gained a little more understanding towards my dads attachment.

She told me about all the years I can't remember. And about the times that she never really wanted me to remember.

But what I always will remember, for the rest of my life, is that night in the living room. She began to tell me why she left. Cammisha sat in a chair across the room from us. Popcorn, and cups full of ice cream scattered across the table between us. A movie playing in the background. Our suitcases packed sitting by the doors. And that feeling in our stomachs knowing that this is our last night until we seperate into our different worlds again. A feeling that's been familiar to me since I was six years old. It's the hardest thing in the world for mothers to be away from their children. I know that. She wanted to be there for my first day of high school. She wanted to be there for my prom to take pictures of me before I left. To be my jury in between mine and my dads fights. To watch me grow every day. To be there for me through the empty nights. And to give me rides to friends houses when I couldn't drive. My mom looked into my eyes and I watched them start to water up and turn red, "I did it for the best. I did it because I love you kids more than anything in this world and I knew it was what I had to do." I started to cry. And Cammisha began to cry. She said, "I did it because I love you. Do you know that?" She did it to save us. She did it so I wouldn't grow any anger towards her during her worst point in her life. She did it because she didn't want to put that on any of us. She cried and while looking down she said, "You know that I love you? I didn't leave because I didn't love you boys. You know that right?" I waited until she lifted her head and said, "Yes." And she slightly smiled. "I know that." We are the most important things to our mothers. Mothers love us no matter what. She needed to say that to me, for so many years. And all of those things, I needed to hear.

I'd like to find that councelor that fed them lies and destroyed their trust. I'd like to go back and remember what it was like. But I can't. Being there with my mom just made me feel like whatever has happened just doesn't matter anymore. I thought about that point in my life when I wasn't allowed to see her, and I remembered how scary it was to me as a child. The thought that I don't get to spend my whole life with her by my side. But I was sitting acorss from her, looking into the eyes and smile that match mine. And I felt safe. We love each other through everything. We have each other no matter what. I felt grateful.

These are times I will never forget with my mom.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Knock me out and shoot me down

What I'm trying to figure out, is where to let out my anger.
And how to not channel it into hate.

Most of all, where this even came from in the first place. Because really, I don't even know. And I've already made plenty of bad impressions on people that haven't seen me in so long.

I want to learn to smile again, instead of shooting blank stares.

I feel like a monster

and let me tell you now. I'm not what you think I am.
I'm not held together as securely as you think.

You are not alone.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Forming into something

A lot of the past few days have been such an echo. After school, all the cars flooding out of the parking lot were full of people driving with their friends. And there I was, silently in my car, on my way home to change for work. After work, a Friday night, the apartments next to my work had their windows open and music playing and a party going. It was obvious to me the night started a couple hours ago for everyone. And I was walking to my car. I drove to work on saturday and I even saw old friends drive past me in traffic in their Oregon Ducks clothing on the way to the football game. Me, driving away from them in my work outfit.

I feel so tied down for a pay check that comes every fifteen days. But honeslty, it really doesn't feel worth it. I spend it all to feel better about myself. And sometimes it really doesn't help.

I love my job. I really do. And everyone there.
I just feel like I'm growing up way too fast.