Make myself believe..

When I lose what I'm used to, I close off any other possibilities out there for me. It takes me a long time to open myself up to better things..

Nothing really is appealing to me anymore. I don't even know what I want. I'm so sick of being excited to get off of work and then not knowing what to do or where to go. I'm so tired of texting Bryant every single weekend to ask him to hang out and never getting a reply. Then seeing him drunk the same night and he says, "Where have you been!" and I say, "I text you all the time.." And he says, "No you don't!" And then we both laugh it off but I'm actually pissed, because I really do. And he knows I do.

The only thing I can do with any of my friends is find something we can drink or smoke, and then find a party. And now that's the only way I know how to make plans anymore. I see partying as one big trip.. In a car that looks so much more luxurious until you get inside. But without it, I always am made to feel that I'm missing out. On something really big. It makes you feel like whatever else you're doing is so much more unimportant than what you could be doing. And no fun seems as fun as it was before. It's this whole mind set that you're trained into.

I look at all the other people I used to be friends with, and I start to want what they have. I miss having friends that know there's nothing going on in the night and say, "Well you should still come over." And then making it a better night than you even planned. I miss having that so much. And I miss when I wouldn't reject little plans like those. Little plans like tonight, Michele asking me to come to get coffee with her until we find out what we're doing. I look at all my old friends, all of them are all together, and they're all making their last year here one to remember. They at least put in an effort to be happy and have fun with their lives.. And I just don't. Because it doesn't feel right when I try. I wish I was the way I used to be. When I would make myself go into situations, even if I wasn't sure if it's what I wanted. I miss when I would step out of my comfort zone, and find a new one. And I wish I still knew other ways to do that.. I'm always scared of being let down. Tonight Michele is texting me over and over and asking when I'm leaving my house and what we're going to do tonight. Michele really tries for our friendship, and I don't. My dad redid a lot of my room tonight, and instead of going out I want to stay home and put all of my stuff away and finish putting it all together. But then I remember how much I hate falling asleep to feeling alone.