My promises were sleeping

The past two days I've showed up to school, on time. I haven't slept in and I haven't left to come home early. And it feels good. It's weird what I've trained myself to do.. I sleep in for the same reason everybody sleeps in, because it's comforting. But what's weird about my situation, is when I'm laying in bed I think about a lot of my normal day I see hardly any time to relax in it, so when my alarm goes off, that is my chance. That's my time to relax. Even if I know I shouldn't. The way I process thoughts in the morning is so strange. I do things like, "I work today after school. So today I can sleep in." I start my shift right once school gets out, so there is no other time for sleep. I sleep in for comfort. The warmth of my room is something I don't want to leave. I sleep in to avoid the cold, or having to get up and find something to wear. I think about the drives to school when I'm shivering uncontrollably and my hair literally starts to freeze from being wet. My heater that doesn't warm up until I'm already to school. All of that races through my mind. And then my alarm goes off. In fact, five alarms go off. With five minute breaks in between. And I press snooze every time and sometimes, I don't even remember doing it when I wake up and its an hour past the time class started.

I am done trying to give myself reasons to not do the things I need to do. I'm being weak. I'm tired of walking in through the door of my first period class that's centered right in the front of the room and looking at all the faces people give me while they're taking their notes. I'm sick of hearing my dad in the living room every night answering his phone and going along word by word with what the automatic message he now has memorized is saying. Today I looked at my grade that was posted on the wall.. 11% is where I'm at.. Failing. And I am not a failure. I want to feel proud of myself again.