Thursday, August 26, 2010


'Forget where your body lies and I'll forget mine as well
you have as much hope as you have hopelessness
but can you identify just what keeps you down like this

Do you feel the pain
Or do you feel the memory?

Whether you're sound asleep, whether I'm wide awake
Brother, you live and breathe, whether I've gone away

Do you pass through the world lost in the rendering
of life as it felt before estranged to the passing day?
Do you feel the rain
Or do you feel the memory?

There's no need to get depressed
there's no need for anxiousness
'cause the words won't come easy
there's more to your work than this

Do you feel the pain...
Or do you feel the memory'

The hope I have for you. I want the world for you.

I'm in portland sitting on the yacht at Pat's boat house. Matthew's next to me, and Stephanie's sitting down with Saleigh in her lap. It's our last night with Matthew. I really wanted to grasp it. He's here today, he's gone tomorrow. I couldn't stop looking at the time, and counting down how much of it we had left. My phone goes off and I look down, "We're here." And my stomach dropped.

There was an hour left with him, and I was leaving.
I was getting picked up from my friends.
I left on my last night with my older brother. Goodbye was going to happen at some point, and it was now.

Matthew was always the stubborn one. He was also the most protective one... He looked out for every single thing I did, and put his whole heart into helping me out of my ruts. I love him for staying up with me all night on my last week of senior year so I could graduate. And for covering for me all of the times I would throw parties at the house while my dad was gone. Even though all I used to do was get him in trouble. He doesn't show how much he cares all of the time, infact sometimes I convinced myself that he hated me. But then the suprise of him proving me wrong makes me more grateful than ever. When he shows he really does care, and really does want me around, it's an acceptance that I can't get from anybody else. I love him for his honesty. For his ambitions. Everything was wrapping together right there and then. When I'm in town to visit, he won't be there. For Christmas, he won't be there. A picture of his face, and his memory in my heart is all I have to take with me. When I got in the car Mitchell and Avieta were playing music so loud that I was drowned out. My phone went off again and it was Matthew this time, "Hey man don't worry that you had to leave. It means a lot that you come up here. Stephanie and I were talking about hiring you to take pictures at our wedding. You're very talented and would love if you could. Best luck to you in Portland. I love you bro!"

A little after I left, my brother couldn't keep down his nervousness. He ended up in the bathroom getting sick while my dad sat silently waiting for him on the couch. When he came out, he grabbed his things and they went to the car. My dad had to take him back to the hotel. Matthew said how much he loved my dad, and said goodbye, and walked with Stephanie to the front doors. They cried in each others arms. I can't imagine the pain, or the distance. My dad stayed in the car crying and gave them their time. Before Matthew went back in he wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his shirt and waved them goodbye. And that was it.

In Mitchell's car I looked out the back window and saw Portland in the distance as we drove off on the freeway. I started crying. I had such a mix of emotions. It was an overwhelming, happy, cry. Matthew left... And I'm leaving too. I'm going my separate way with every single person in my life and I don't know how to feel about it anymore. I'm saying goodbye to all of the most important parts of myself. But I know that I feel lucky. I'm so lucky. So incredibly lucky. I have been collecting hearts all of my life. And I am so strong because of the inspiration I get from the people I love around me. I am so lucky for the things they've done for me. Thing's they probably didn't even know they've done for me.

I have so much hope for the people in my life.
I just don't know what I'm going to be without them.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

You can make a plan, carve it into stone, like a feather falling it is still unknown.

When Amanda left Matthew he lost his head. He spent days making one call after another to my mom begging her for advice. He was so terrified that love would never come back to him. Matthew and I are actually exactly the same when it comes to our fears. Except the difference is he begs for people to give him answers, and me, I'm just asking all of those questions to myself in my head.

Stephanie brought back his faith. They've been together for a while now, and I've never seen him so happy in my whole life. We have six more days with him until he leaves for the army... And last night he told everybody him and Stephanie are engaged.

I spent the whole day babysitting her four year old daughter, Saleigh. While I'm sitting in the grass watching her run around she runs over and sits down on her knees next to me. I look over and smile, she smiles back with a chocolate frosting outline around her lips. Matthew pulls up in his car and Saleigh gasps for air, stands up and starts running towards him. He gets out and grabs her, holding her in the air while she's laughing loudly and kicking her feet. I was the happiest person in the world. Seeing happiness in my family doesn't compare to any amount of money, any chemical release of seretonin, any place in the world. It's the only thing I want.

While we sit downstairs he says, "I feel so lucky. You know? How all of this just fell into place for me." We talked about how everything feels like it's fixed. When we're in love we don't want to be anywhere else. When we lose love we're so certain that we are stuck in a forever loveless life. "It's hope that gets us through it all. No matter how hard it can be to believe in sometimes."

Who knows if any of us end up where we expect.
But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm sure it will be in the hands of something beautiful.

Friday, August 13, 2010

If time doesn't run out, than neither will I.

Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up

Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math when you were alive
No one's going to play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?

Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

Am I right?

It's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember to live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember when it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember

My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Because the patterns they control your mind, those patterns take away my time.

I've never really known if I believe that our past supplies us with our feelings we have now. Or that the things we do are based off of what happened to us. Maybe with somethings. For me I've tried to always keep what's happening, with what happened, separate. I don't know if it's even possible. But there's one connection to my past that I can't ignore. Whenever I couldn't see my mom, or when I had no way to get a hold of her, I would spend hours on end awake. It was the only time I felt truly disconnected from everything else in my life. It wasn't so bad when I was out, or when I was doing something, when I wasn't alone. I used to call my dad to pick me up when I was at friends houses after they fell asleep, and I would cry on the way home. I grew used to not having her with me, but it was her not constantly being involved in my life, no matter what form it was, that would put a hole in my heart.

It's not just Stephanie. In fact all along maybe she really didn't even do anything wrong. I was attached and I wouldn't let go because I loved her so much. She wasn't the first to bring out my separation anxiety, and I linked too many of my problems to her. Problems that I've had all of my life. Problems that I still have today. Maybe the patterns of what have happened with my relationships are too drilled into my mind. When some thing's off with my friends, or when I feel like they don't want me around, I feel what I feel when Stephanie and I would be fighting. Or when she was ignoring me, or when she would tell me she doesn't love me. I take on so much by other peoples actions and jump to conclusions in my head before anything has even happened.

When I have everything I want in my hands I feel nothing but grateful. I won't let my mind slip into anything negative, and it gives me the strength to keep pushing for more until I'm fully satisfied. My happiness is so dependent on what I am given, and not so much what I give. Then I look at other people and see how differently they handle the opposite... A day alone is a day alone. It doesn't feel like the worst day of their life. An ignored call is their phone slipped back in their pocket, while I can't stop staring at the screen. I hate feeling like I'm not needed. I hate constantly feeling like I'm going to lose everybody I have. And I hate that most of the time, when I think some thing's going wrong, I convince myself there is no other possibility. I jump to the worst before the better. I waste so much of my energy worrying when I don't know the other persons intentions, and I go into panic thinking I can't get it back.

I'm never going to learn how to love again if I don't learn how to love myself. I have told myself this so many times. And I really do when I have everything I want.. But what about when I don't? Why do I feel guilty handling my own life when it's not involved with anybody elses emotions?

My past is my past. And what I have, is all that I've got. I'm not afraid to tell myself I'm wrong. I don't ever have to be the same person. And I don't want to follow a map I've carved out from my troubles anymore.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hands down I'm too proud for love, but with eyes shut it's you I'm thinking of.

I can't control the fact that Stephanie's not in my life anymore. I can't control the fact that I still think about her. But there is no reason to slow down my pace. I've avoided letting my thoughts of her get to my head so much. Because I don't want to be distracted anymore by something I just can't handle. I don't want everything in front of me to be drained out by what I don't have.

But what happens when I settle? Is this why I'm so scared to settle?
Avieta tells me that I can't think like that. I can't let myself be overtaken by negativity again or else I won't keep moving. I tell myself every day that I'm always home.

Maybe one more time seeing her wouldn't even make anything better. There's always some absent feeling when I'm around her now. Now we lay next to each other but we don't touch, and it's a hug goodbye but there's no kiss. There's no I love you. There's nothing of what we had living, except for inside of us. And I just won't let myself get too close. Maybe I could have told her that I still love her, or I could have told her that I moved on but I never let go. That I want her to see my new place and that she can stay with me whenever she's in town. It might of meant nothing. And I'm almost thinking that her saying no to seeing me was the right thing.. it shouldn't have happened.

It was my choice to leave. I chose for us to go seperate ways. She might have moved on and let go already, and even if she didn't what would it change? There's no going back anymore. We're not together anymore. Tonight on my way back to town I talked to Avieta about all of the things I'm ready to embrace, and all of the things I'm scared to leave behind, and the things I'm scared to leave undone. I never once said anything about Stephanie. I'll never be able to leave her behind. I feel the distance between us every single day. But I will no matter where I go. There's a whole lot of things I feel I haven't settled here, but I don't know if they need to be. I don't think there's always going to be a conclusion to everything. And that's just something I have to accept.

Monday, August 9, 2010

And when something falls out of place, I take my time, I put it back

When I don't want to be alone, I know that I don't have to be.
I have people that love me. I always have had people that love me. And being on my own isn't always something that I fear anymore. For once it feels good to make decisions without running it through outcomes first. I've learned myself and what makes me comfortable, and I'm finally continuing to focus on that. I've needed to for a long time.

There isn't a whole lot that I feel I can't face. The closer I get towards the end of the month, the more realistic it feels that I'm finally packing up my bags from an old life and taking myself somewhere new. I'm excited, and a little bit scared. But I know I can face it. I feel a genuine happiness I haven't felt for so long.. And I'm running off of a confidence that I've really never had so much of in my life.

Now when I'm drifting off, it's not because I'm lost in thought.
And now when I can't sleep, its because I'm just excited for tomorrow. I have a lot of faith in my life. And I feel extremely lucky for everything I've had, and for where I'm going.

There isn't always a bigger picture... And not everything in life can't always be adjustable. When I don't like the rules, I change them. But there are somethings I can't mend, and other things that won't bend. And as long as I can keep finding my ways to work around that, I'll be fine.

Monday, June 7, 2010

No one needs to know we're feeling higher, and higher, and higher. higher, and higher, and higher.

Fighting to explain yourself, or giving reasoning for your actions is sort of insignificant when you know what you want, and you know that you're getting there.

My happiness is finally in my own hands.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I guess the best that I can do now is pretend that I've done nothing wrong

...And to dream about a train that's gonna take me back where I belong.

I've been at war against my habits and my ways of living for a while now. But it's almost impossible to keep up with something that is constantly changing. I try to keep myself busy off of whatever I can find because I get so terrified of going back into a side of me that I've been trying to escape. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there some things you just can't erase. And some things you just can't change. And all these parts of me I thought I lost a hold of, are finding their way back into place. I have kept myself so trapped in the only thing I thought I could be. Consumed in details, fears, and reasons for why things couldn't be possible. I spent too much time looking through other perspectives that it sort of started to feel like I couldn't even create my own. It became so simple for me to let anything take control of the direction I was going, when I should have been making decisions with all the things I've been leaving undone. Instead I burned all of my plans to the ground, and let myself be carried away.

I know there are other options if I don't graduate, but that's not what I'm afraid of as it's getting closer and closer to the day. There's always been a side of me that separates my desires and the all things I have to do, that I see as a waste. I beg for time, and then stare at the clock, with my mind focused on things I fear leaving alone. I know that I always come late in the game, I know all these consquences link back to myself, but I'm still trying to find confidence in my change of effort. I've been running off of no sleep, focusing my time on things I could never make myself do before. I'm not doing it for anybody else, and I feel something new building inside of me that I want to learn how to keep. There are far too many destinations set, and too many reasons to go back. Reasons that sometimes, you just have to ignore. I want a constant motivation to participate in my life again. I need proof of something that will stop the questioning of my ability to keep moving forward.

Where we stand is our choice, isn't it? Our life is what we create on our own. No matter how things unfold, I need to remember that there aren't any permanent conclusions to anything that I live. I don't expect to evolve into something greater. I just don't always want to feel like I'm walking on glass. I want my concentration to be attracted to simple things. To learn how to live without staying hidden behind the things I've done. I want to appreciate love given to me, love for my life, and love for myself, without changing my mind, and feeling all the way deserving of it.

Monday, May 10, 2010


Fall asleep in a comforter nest.
The room is yellow, and the windows are dentist white.
I smell the ghost of your dinner.
And the space heater's glowing like a miniature gate to hell.
I hear the dogs as I dress myself.

And pen a letter on the back of a paper plate.
It tells you that I'm gone now, and I'm sorry if I don't make it back.

Well, I know it's a good life.
Yeah, I know it's a good life.
But I gotta keep moving.
I was made to keep moving.

And I know it's a long shot. It was always a long shot.
But I'm trusting my aim now. Yeah, I'm trusting my aim.
And I know it's a good life.
Yeah, I know it's a good life.
But I gotta keep moving. Gotta stay on the move.

I had a dream but I called it a plan.
A string of hopes that I figured would serve me well.
But then the dream turned sour.
Sometimes delusions ain't the comfort you want them to be.
Now I'm broke and my luck's run out.

My new acquaintances will never be someone to trust.
The house is now a graveyard.
And it's hard to fall asleep with no one watching your back.

Well, you got my name. Now it's all the same.
It don't mean much, but you can have it all.
And I sold my heart for another start.

I had my fix but I shouldered it off.
And now the price is a big one.

Well, I had me a good life.
Yeah, I had me a good life.
But I had to keep moving. I was made to keep moving.
And I know that I messed up. Yeah, I know that I messed up.

But I still gotta keep moving. Yeah, I still gotta move.
And oh, my mind is made up, and I'm no different now.
But I follow the questions, because I'm bored with the answers.
I'm bored with the answers.

Sure, I miss a lot. And I'm no better off.
But sitting idle ain't a thing I was built for.
I gotta keep moving. I gotta stay on the move.
I gotta...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This hearts on fire, this hearts on fire

Sometimes my mom still calls me crying, and sometimes she tells me she's lost hope. Sometimes I still get my priorities mixed up, and I still get scared of what I'm doing. Every once in a while it feels like all I really am doing is filling up my time with not much, and I'll wish I could see life as it is, instead of seeing everything as progress. And all the time I think of you, but it's getting easier. And the more I look back the more it starts to feel like a different lifetime.

Because it's no longer made up by the way it's played out, and neither am I. I don't hold my love so close, and I'm not so cautious with putting it where it belongs. I'm not who loves me. I'm not my friends, or who I've known. It was nothing but comfortable when I stepped outside for a cigarette with jacob, and I'm not scared anymore to walk into a room full of people. I'm not stuck in something I made myself into. Now I'm laughing and loving and not expecting so much for myself. I'm motivated to step out into all the possibilities, and surround myself with what I deserve. I'm not being disolved from doubt, and I'm not afraid of lost progress.

Sometimes even just waking up feels new.
And my days pass by in a different way.
As I sat in Susans office today, it felt unlike anytime before. The blinds were open and the sun was shining in. She said, "Sometimes we all need a chance to start over." But starting over isn't what this is about, and it's not what I need.

I'm just learning how to grow and memorizing all of the things I've learned.
It's getting better all the time.. It's getting better all the time..

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Devil in the Details

A house of cards, a supple heart
Is not a place to dwell.

Now you have your cake. Don’t hesitate.
Come on just do it,
Come on just do it

Put it in your mouth
There is only now
Tomorrow has to wait

But know there’s no backing out
This is gonna be reality
You can never dream it down

I have no way
Of telling the two apart

Well I made amends, in the general sense
With the devil’s in the details

And I know the cause, and I want to stop
But I can’t do it
I just can’t do it

There was love I meant
There were accidents
So tell me which is which

‘Cus I just can’t work it out
But for memory and clarity
We had better write it down

I have no way
Of knowing the truth
Which time dissolves

I put the past into the ground
I saw the future as a cloud

If theres still time to turn around
Im going to

Its just one day I fell asleep
And now all day all night I dream
I am the first one I deceive

If I can make myself believe
The rest is easy…

Monday, April 26, 2010

To wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone.

Every Tuesday I go to Susans office, and it's always just when I need it. A couple days before I left for Mexico I got out of class and called my mom. It was the first of many fights I had with her over the phone, where I lost my control, and then I left myself sitting in the parking lot in my car at school, in shock because of the things we just said. I was in shock of how much I'm really hurting her. Right after I hung up I called Susan in panic and showed up unscheduled. It was my longest session with her, I didn't hold anything in. I felt like I had given her everything. It was relieving and scary to listen to myself. She was quiet after I finished talking. We both were for a while. She does that, she lets me sit there with the things I say and soak them up. She said to me, "I want you to take a look at the things you're saying to me, and I want you to see if you see what I see." I stayed quiet and shook my head. She said, "You spend almost all of your sessions talking about everybody else except for you."

When I got back from Mexico, she called my dad and had him join us. She had us say things we remember with each other. I let him do all of the talking, I knew he had a lot to do. He told her, "We were all we had after the divorce. We spent all of our time together." He said, "One of the most painful days for me was after his mom left, I had to take him to find a day care. It didn't matter what one, how expensive, where it was, I wanted him to be at the one he wanted the most, because it's what he deserved. He spent a lot of his time at day cares, after school clubs, carpools home. We were forced to be apart. I was the only dad ever showing up, and picking him up was my favorite part of the day. It was the first day leaving him there that was the hardest part." I remembered my mom had told me about that day, too. Except instead of dropping me off, she was parked across the street crying while I played on the playground behind that fence.

Susan asked me to tell him exactly what I told her about the drive to California before we left for Mexico. She said it would be important for him to know. I didn't know how to put that out and make it sound real, plus I had already said it. I didn't see the point in repeating it. I wanted him to know it, but I didn't know how to say it again. What I had told her was at one point in the car ride there, after all the arguing and yelling stopped, Matthew put in his head phones and pulled out his book. My dad stared forward while he drove. Susan put her hand on his. Alyssa was asleep against the window, and David was sitting up right behind Matthews seat. Eventually Matthew fell asleep too. He didn't lay his head anywhere he just let it hang from his neck, with his chin to his chest. David handed me a pillow and told me to give it to him. So I set it on his lap, but that didn't do anything. So a couple minutes later David grabbed it and held it up against the window next to Matthew and pushed his shoulder towards it so his head and the pillow would meet. Matthew woke up to the touch of it, realized it, and then just closed his eyes and went back to sleep. And just with that, the quiet in the car wasn't quiet tension anymore. It was just quiet. And all I could hear was the sound of the road. And the feeling of all of us together felt so good. I told Susan that no matter what, we will always love each other. And there was something about that car ride that made me feel the comfort of having a family that I don't get to see that often. Susan ended up telling my dad this for me, while I sat and listened, she didn't say it how I had said it originally. It was sort of modified to the only way she knew how to say it. My dad nodded and listened. But those things I had said just didn't have as much meaning anymore.

I spent a couple nights sitting on my bedroom floor calling my mom in desperation. She told me over and over, that all of this, everything I'm holding myself back with, is all just excuses. Every time I end up calling her, I would end up breaking things around me out of frustration, and our voices were raised like they've never been before. It kills me every time, because she takes on everything I do. Every time I would hang up on her, and all the days I spent ignoring her calls, it was killing me. But I didn't know how else to handle it. When I went for a couple weeks without a phone, there was no other way to get a hold of me. I wasn't at home often, I didn't make any effort to talk. To anybody really. Susan had some messages on her machine she played me for one of our sessions. All the messages were left in secret. One was from my Mom expressing how worried she really is, there were a couple from my step mom talking about her concerns about the medication. I hated hearing them. The fact that there were always eyes of concern on me. I know it's not how things work.. You can't just disappear from everyone and expect no reaction towards it, but it's what I needed to do. I see losing my phone as a blessing for me. I would have to say I'm okay or else she wouldn't really listen and if I'm not okay then its not really understandable. And when she wants to be worried as hell, she bites her tongue so I'll call her back tomorrow. I was so frustrated at what I do, and what she does, and what we became. I hated her asking how my dad and I were. If I say bad then she asks why. I say why and she tells me otherwise. If I say were doing good, I'm lying. If I say were bad, I have to talk about it, when I talk about it I start to hate listening to myself, hearing my reasons, and my problems, and my so sorry voice. It was madness. Everything she'd say to me I would shoot down. The only thing we talked about that felt real was my unhappiness. The only thing she'd ask, the only thing I'd tell. I miss her so much. She said she made herself sick over me not calling. She said she had nightmares, and would wake up telling Walt, "He hates me." Walt would have to remind her, "Hes your son."

It was like a ping pong table between me, her, and my dad. Everyone checking on how I feel. It was everyone telling me how to feel. Nobody listening to what I feel. And then me questioning what the hell I even do feel. In the session with my dad while I held my face in my hands Susan said, "Do you know why Michael is crying, Tom?" I felt she was going to link it back to him and hand over the blame, like we were in the appointments my Mom used to tell me about that they would go to for their marriage. The one that led to their divorce. She says, "Why are you crying, Michael?" I didn't lift my head and I didn't say a word. She looks at my dad and says, "Because he's hurt." I was thinking, what does this have to do with him? He's not my problem. My dad has never been my problem. When I lifted up my face, my dad shrugged, and he said nervously, "I.. I know. He is." All I felt was pity as Susan handed me another tissue. It was disgusting, and I hated how it felt. I kept repeating her question in my head and kept feeling like I needed to provide an answer. Why are you crying? And so I asked myself, why are you crying? Is it because of the memories my dad was saying to us? Because I miss him too? The times Susan asked him to say were the most important, was it his loneliness in his voice? Or was it the fact that the whole reason I'm here, and the whole reason I'm this mess, wasn't even created on my own. That not even all of my problems are mine. That I would cry to Susan about my dads pain, and Davids pain, my Moms pain. How I convinced myself there's no way I could be happy on my own. Not without my friends, not without Stephanie. I felt like all I was built off of was other peoples problems, and the way everybody else felt about me. Maybe it was the fact that the problems in myself were just too hard to admit. The fact that I can't speak up, that I lost who I was, that I always feel like I'm acting. The things I put on myself, and the things I can never forget. The people I miss and the people I can't ever let go of. She put her hand on my knee and talked in a soft voice, she said, "This isn't going to last forever." She would repeat, "I know you're hurting." My dad stayed quiet, and when she would ask him to speak he would say, "Well you know, what he's feeling, are things we have to learn to deal with every day. I know it can be hard adjusting to lifes changes but.." I stopped listening. And I started double thinking everything I just had thought before. This sharp pain came back that I would feel whenever my emotions were misinterpreted. The more he spoke the more he made me feel like nothing I have felt was real. Susan always tells me to try the medication because it would give me a thicker skin. I've been thinking for so long about what that means, and what I do that makes my skin so thin. Was showing up at Davids wrong when he was saying to Alyssa that he was done living again? Was it wrong for me to leave the house because my Dad just sits there and watches it happen? How problems left undone start to feel like my responsibility. How I payed too much attention to the car ride to California, while David was throwing up, and Matthew was bitching, and my dad was yelling. And is it wrong to carry the feelings you have for someone, on your back? I didn't know anymore.

But today I know what she meant by that. My life is my own. And how I feel isn't weighed out by what everyone else feels, or what they're doing. I've been taking time to focus on myself so that one day, what I want and what I need will be the same thing. Not a whole lot has happened around me the past few days, but I've made a whole lot of change in myself. I never realized how right my mom was when she would tell me that positivity could lead me to a whole other place. I never realized how much you can have, once you stop fighting it.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Take it easy, love nothing.

'Now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
But it's clear and blue as far as I can see.

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed
On a cartoon cat pad, she scrached with a pen:
"Everything is as it's always been, this never happened.
Don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did,
just once something dies, you can't make it live.

You're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
But I am a woman"

So I laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheets
And I must have looked like a ghost
Because something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
Should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty

Now it isn't so hard to get close to me
There'll be no arguments, we'll always agree
And I try to be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy.

If you stay to long inside my memory
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
And I'll keep you there so you can't bother me.'

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Little Lion Man

'Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start.
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left, that you wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head.

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time.
Didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before

Tremble little lion man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck'

Monday, April 12, 2010

Lights of the cars go by in a stream, seems like I stand pretty much unseen. But I open my eyes and beams come out.

I've been feeling like my pain is more than just something I feel, but what I am. And not only have I kept myself trapped in it, but the people around me have, too. It wasn't intended really, but eventually I lost one thing, and others were taken away, and I've ended up on my own for a while. I go to class, and then I come home. I go to work, and then I come home. And if you can't find me there, I'm at Cammishas or driving. I haven't had a phone for a couple weeks, I haven't checked any social networks for days. I haven't called anybody, to see anyone. But sometimes I don't even want any of those things back. I liked the fact that nobody could see me or get a hold of me, that I didn't have to be anywhere, that I didn't have to make any plans that I wouldn't follow, that nobody was depending on me. And I wasn't depending on them. That I had nothing to check that would trigger my anxiety, I didn't have to wonder what they were doing. And I wasn't really reminded that they were still there. Some days were easier than others. Some nights Cammisha and I would drive by parties Avieta was throwing on our way home and I'd drive through a row of cars parked all over and list off whos were whos and then we'd speed off, and I'd forget about it. Or at least try to. But no matter what excuse I would come up with for why I wouldn't go in, it was really just I was too scared. It might not of been long, but it felt like forever. And I was scared to face my own friends. I hated the weekends before. So much. I hated hearing about every ones plans, and feeling like I had to have a million of my own. The fact I wasn't involved, the fact that it's because I stopped involving myself. Nights ended in disappointment, or anger. But the past few nights, work was the only place I wanted to be. And it did feel like enough. Dinner with my coworkers, and some nights ended early. It was all okay to me.

Every other day in first period, early in the morning, Jackson and I sit at our desks in the back of the class and pass a plastic bottle of some drink mixed with vodka back and forth, and then we'd move on to the next class drunk. He'd bring it because he had some things to forget, but I'd do it because I was more comfortable that way. And I knew how to talk that way. It's what I do with anything I put in my system. Take this so it won't hurt or even if it doesn't hurt, and this so I can focus, and this to calm my nerves, and this to make me sleep. I smoke because it brings me back to things I used to feel, without anything else. Sometimes without any of it, I just don't want to be awake. Anything to hide my shaky hands, and shaky voice. I feel like I've completely dropped any social skills I ever had. I used to feel like I always knew just what to say. I used to live off of that energy that I would get from being around people. And now all I try to do is stay hidden. Maybe I had my turn, living like that. But maybe I'm just wating for my turn all over again. Today the sun finally came out, and it's amazing how much that can change how we feel. Today I spoke first, and I did it without anything there to help me. I saw friends that missed me, and made plans I meant. Tonight I came out of my room, and I sat on the front steps watching the lightning across the field with my dad. I know that I don't have to be alone. But I know that's never what I wanted from the beginning either.

Sometimes it's hard to break out of what you're in when people are watching your progress every day. Listening to your plans, and watching for the mistakes in the things that you say. I needed to do this more than anything else, because it taught me something that I haven't been able to figure out from the start. That my life is mine. And what I feel does not have to be provided by everyone else. It's not their choice. What I'm doing is for me, what I want is for me, and being away doesn't mean losing it all. This is the first time I have ever put myself first, and already it's put me into a whole different perspective. For once I'm ready to sort out my own problems. For once I'm ready to start building off of what I want.

Friday, April 9, 2010


'Deep down inside me, buried beneath everything, I could sense a feeling I'd never felt before. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know if it was a good feeling or a bad feeling or something in between.. I wasn't even sure if it was a feeling at all. It was just something - an unknown shade, a barely perceptible signal, like a flickering candle on a distant hill. I knew it was there, but most of the time it was too faint to see, and even when I could see it, I couldn't tell if I was seeing it or hearing it or smelling it or feeling it. It was too many things all at once: a light in the darkness, a crying voice, the scent of freshly washed skin, some wonderful oblivion. It didn't make sense, and neither did I.

'I didn't want to keep my thoughts inside anymore. I wanted to let them out, to give them some air, to see how it sounded outside of my head. At least some of it, anyway.'

'The weeks went by with a weird sense of timelessness. Days seemed to last forever, with long stretched-out mornings, interminable afternoons, and never ending nights. Yet at the same time, when a new day dawned and I looked back at yesterday, it seemed to have passed so rapidly that it was hard to believe it had happened at all. Tomorrows on the other hand, were centuries away.'

'But explanations don't change anything, do they? They don't make you feel any better. You either like something or you don't, and if you don't like it, then knowing why it happens doesn't make any difference - it's still going to happen and you're still not going to like it, so what's the point?'

'One of the worst things about feeling helpless is the constant intrusion of doubt. Even when you know there's nothing you can do about something, even when you're absolutely sure, when you've considered every possibility, over and over again, knowing full well that you're wasting your time. Even then, you still can't help feeling that you're wrong.
There must be something you can do.
There has to be something.'

The days past, as they do, and life went on

"You can lie to me, but you can't lie to your conscience."
Wanna bet? I thought

"That's all there is to it."
"And that's what you want, is it?"
"That's how it is. What I want doesn't come into it."

"This, me, what happened, why it happened. It's so stupid. It's nothing. I mean, I used to be alright. I was okay. Nothing bad happened. I wasn't beaten up, or raped, or abused or anything. Nothing happened. I got myself here." She shook her head, "All I got was a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of rejection, and a lot of self-pity. It's not much of a reason for ending up like this, is it?"
"A reason's a reason."

'It was all riddled with problems. Big problems, little problems, awkward problems. Problems that scared the hell out of me. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to keep trying to deal with them. But want didn't come into it. Nothing came into it. It was just there. It was going to happen no matter what.
As inevitable as night follows day. It could never be anything else.'

'We left the house behind and hurried away into the night. There was something between us then, something that hadn't been there before and wouldn't be there again. I'm not sure what it was. But I think it something to do with the balance of things. We were both changing, each of us in different ways, and neither of us could know what those changes meant or what they might mean to us in the future. I suppose we were still trying to work out how that made us feel- about ourselves, and each other, and everything.

'It wasn't simply that we were changing either, but that the changes themselves kept changing, too. It was like being on a seesaw. One minute I was this, and Candy was that, the next minute she was this and I was that.
Up and down.
Down, up.
Scared, calm.
Calm, scared.
In control, out of control.'

'She was making some tea, I was sitting in front of the fire. We were talking. But that was okay, wasn't it? Being normal. What's wrong with that? Nothing I told myself. Nothing at all. But I wasn't so sure. I knew that things weren't normal and all we were doing by pretending was avoiding the inevitable truth. And this is the thing that bothered me the most - I wasn't so sure I wanted us to be normal. I didn't want us to be abnormal, I didn't want all of this chaos and underworld crap. But that's where we'd come from. The problems were a part of us. Part of what we were. And I was afraid that if I lost it completely, we might lose some of ourselves.'

'It's like I've been stuck in this place for so long, this place where every thing's numbed and dead and you don't have to think about anything or care about anything. And I can't remember what it feels like to be outside of this. I don't know what it's like to be normal anymore.'

"You get all these dealers rambling on about their gear and their works and God-knows-what-else, and it's just so boring. It's like listening to a bunch of computer nerds or something. Except these computer nerds are all whacked out of their heads and some carry loaded guns."

'Why are you doing this? I asked myself, but I knew I didn't know. It was a question full of questions. Why do you do anything? Why do you like music? What do you take drugs? Why do you hate yourself? Why do you die? Why do you fall in love?
I had no answers. I didn't matter that I didn't know why I was doing anything, I was just doing it.'

'I remember it all: every word, every breath, every tick of the clock. Everything that happened is with me forever. I can never forget it. But that doesn't mean I can live it again. You can't live what's gone, you can only remember it, and memories have no life. They're just pale reminders of a time that's gone- like faded photographs, or a dried-up daisy chain at the back of a drawer. They have no substance. They can't take you back. Nothing can take you back.
Nothing can ever be the same as it was.
Nothing is.'

'I was always afraid. I was afraid of everything. My thoughts, my doubts, my desires, my lies, my honesty. It was like a battle in myself. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like what he wanted. But I couldn't stop seeing him. I couldn't stop being him.. I didn't know what he was. His feelings were wrong, and mine were right; but then mine were wrong and his were right. It was madness. It was too many things to know: light, dark, crying, laughing, hurting, needing, hating, loving.

How do you explain that what's in your mind isn't yours? How do you explain that even when you did do something, the only memories you have are the secondhand memories of someone else.

I don't know what's happened with Candy. I don't know if she's lost her mind. I don't know when I'll be seeing her again. The only difference now, for what it's worth, is I know that these things don't matter. I know that I don't have to feel frightened of not knowing - I just have to be here. In love and faith. I just have to believe.

It's not easy - living in a void, living and dying inside of your head. Wanting what you want so much that you would give up on everything else just to get it - but time still passes, and the days go on. And as long as there's still a tomorrow, there's always a chance.'

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You've got wires, coming out of your skin.

I miss being able to look at things for what they are, instead of picking them apart with what I know.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Now I just sleep beneath your floor, and my ghost just tries to keep you warm

Every single day is another thing I remember, and another thing I try to forget. And I'm not even really sure where I'm taking myself anymore. All I know is I'm taking myself away from everything I can't keep holding on to. Admitting it to myself was what felt like the hardest part, but telling you was something I've never done before.

I just can't keep doing what I'm doing to myself. I've grown used to our pattern, and now it's all I can look out for. It's the hope of walking away with you still here. It's the thoughts of me leaving or staying when high school is over. It sounds so selfish, and complicated when I say that I need you now more than ever before. But I do. And that's the whole reason I'm trying to move on. The way I feel is still so heavily attached to you, you're still a part of my every day even when you're not around, but the fear of you not staying is getting more and more scary.

I'm terrified. Because if I keep killing different parts of me to make things better, how is it that I'll be happy in the end? And I've always told myself that if you're in love, then nothing else should matter, because it's enough. But now I'm thinking.. it's really not anymore. No matter how much I want it to be. Every single part of us was beautiful. I wouldn't take any of it back. I will never agree or believe that you walked away everytime because you didn't care or love me enough. But I will always believe that it meant something. Maybe there's things we've both been looking past.

'Because how I ever got to you, I have no idea.
It's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time.
you will always stay here in my mind.
I am certain of this and I am not certain of anything.

So I want to get myself attached to something bolted down,
So that these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around.
From when I land to when I leave
there is enough time to sleep and sing.
I keep running around, when all I want is to lay motionless.'

Thursday, March 18, 2010

You've got the perfect disguise, and you're looking okay.

"He is in a constant state of stage fright, he says, because he never knows what part of his life he is going to have to act in next."

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Everyone's a building burning, with no one to put the fire out.

It's weekends like this that make me not sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Staying put in my house is something that I never liked to do. But I've loved it. I haven't left my basement and I've been with my brother the whole time. It's weird whenever Matthew and I spend time together, because we don't much. But each time we do I feel much closer with him than I did before. It's been so nice having him here. Bryant came over last night and I mostly just watched them drink and talk as we watched a couple movies. I've had friends stopping by for visits, and my dad coming down to check on me every couple minutes. This morning Alyssa woke me up and showed me the camera she bought for David. We talked about the trip, and ways to give him the camera by surprise. And I've spent the whole day full of excitement and happiness with the way things have turned around. The crying and the threats happening just a couple nights ago, didn't matter.

But tonight when I woke up I was still in a daze from the pain medication. And when I looked around the basement I didn't see Matthew next to me anymore, I just heard stomping upstairs. He came down and started gathering all of his things. When I tried talking, he wouldn't respond to me anymore. You can feel his anger whenever these type of situations happen and all of a sudden it felt like he hated me too. My dad who's out of town had called him and told him he's not allowed to stay at the house anymore. When he asked why, he said it's because Susan doesn't want him here. I pulled out my phone and stepped into the guest room, "Dad why does it matter? Why can't you make your own decisions? Is this what you want too? Or just Susan?" He hangs up on me. I hear Matthew on the phone with him now, repetitively yelling, "Fuck you." Susan is getting ready to go because she's just too uncomfortable.

I'm alone down here and so I try to make myself go back to sleep but I wake up to a text from Alyssa.
"I can't do this anymore, Michael. David's having his withdrawls again, and he's telling me to leave."
"Just leave for the night and let things calm down."
"They won't calm down. It's always like this. It always will be."
"It's not you, it's his addiction. It's not you."
"He's texting your dad right now to tell him we're not coming on the trip. I love you guys but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep trying to save your brother."

Matthew comes back down in anger and reads texts my Aunt Bee is sending him. It's always how our family is. Messages through messages through messages. From my step mom, to my dad, to us, it's never like it's supposed to be. My aunt bee says,
"Your dad says you can sleep in the Garage room. He'll talk when he gets home."
We're wondering, why can't he say this on his own?
"He says he's sorry, but he has to make his marriage work, too."
Matthew laughs and points his middle finger towards the roof where we hear Susan still walking around. I told him, "I hate this. It's never ending with all of us." We started talking about David. I told him I'm scared every day of him ending his life. Matthew told me about their phone call that night that put all of this fear into me. He said he never told anybody about it. When David was on his way up to the mountains, he called Matthew crying and mumbling his words, telling him he didn't know what to do anymore. They've never been close like that. I never would imagine Matthew being the last person he would call. But that's what scares me the most, it was so close to happening. And when Alyssa's telling me he left their house again tonight, it's all that is running through my mind. I stay still and I stay quiet, because I'm not allowed to know. More secrets, more hidden things that nobody knows I know. Matthew picks up his books and his work, puts on his back pack, and says, "I'll see you later." Susan walks out the door to go to her sisters, and I'm alone.

So much build up and breakdown for something that should feel free. I don't want to go on this trip anymore. I don't want to put hope into my family anymore. I'm making myself sick off of their problems, and I'm losing hope in anything staying stable. My life is starting to feel like a lie. And the silence in my house is unbearable. I want to call David to make sure he's okay. I want to call my Mom without her being worried sick. I want to walk upstairs and grab my bottle of pills. I'm starting to care less about myself being okay, and wishing everything and everyone else around me could be instead.

It's where they create the ghosts

"You think I'm crazy? And if I say I'm not crazy, that hardly helps does it? That's the genius of it. People tell the world you're crazy. And all your protest to the contrary just confirms what they're saying."
"I'm not following you, I'm sorry."
"Once you are called insane, then anything you do is just a part of your insanity. Reasonable protest, or denial. Fears. Paranoia."
"Survival instincts are defense mechanisms."

"Do you know how pain enters the body, marshel? Do you?"
"It depends on where you hurt."
"No. It has nothing to do with flesh. The brain controls pain. The brain controls fear, empathy, sleep, hunger, anger, everything. What if you could control it?.. Recreate a man so he doesn't feel pain, or love, or sympathy. A man who can't be interrogated because he has no memories to confess."
"You can never take away all of a mans memories. Never."

"Let me ask you, any past traumas in your life?"
"Yes. Why? Why would that matter?"
"Because it's your reason you lost your path. Your reason for your insanity. So when they commit you here, your friends and colleagues will say of course he cracked. Who wouldn't have?"
"They can say that about anyone. Anyone at all."
"The point is, they're going to say it about you."

"I can get you off this island."
"Haven't you heard anything I said? You'll never leave here."
"I have a friend, I was with him yesterday but we got separated, have you seen him?"
"Marshal, you have no friends."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

When I clocked off at work last night, there was already a million things running through my head when I walked out the door. I was thinking about David and Alyssa, and them breaking up. I started thinking about our perfectly planned tripped to Mexico with the family, and all the things I planned to do with them, and how that's being broken apart now. How even if they do stay together for the trip, we're not even going to feel like a family. Alyssa will be crying, and David will be yelling, and Matthew will be getting drunk. My Dad will be trying with everything he has to make us a normal family. I can picture it all now. And it's like the setting just isn't right for us. This cruise in the hot weather, with all these people around us that are actually happy. And maybe it's just me that can't picture these things. Maybe it's just me that thinks that seems out of our place.

My whole way home all I could hear was crying and heavy breathing over the phone, and everything was starting to feel like a nightmare. I dial your number and after I leave a message I start to forget why I was even calling. I just felt like I needed it. When I came inside it was silent, and it was empty. And I knew what I was going to do. I'm starting to feel dead both ways now. I feel dead all of the time. I left my house with my room full of smoke, and a bottle hidden in my closet. And I drove because that's the only thing I do now when I want to be alone. I drive away and see where I take myself. I went through Cammishas front door and stumbled into her room. And I stood there. Her sitting on her bed listening to music, and me standing in the door way with a wet face, glazed eyes, and slurred words. She hugged me tight and she asked me, "Why do you do this?" I said, "It's too scary without."

I felt like a monster. As she spoke to me, everything was spinning. I felt out of my body and out of my mind. The same conversations that have been going through my mind for days were coming outloud. I told her I can't give anything up because it feels like I'm killing myself that way. And no matter with or without these things I've made myself live off of, I am always suffering. I'm a sick, sorry, and misserable person. I don't feel like anything in my life is meant for me anymore. Nothing is mine, and if it is, it's slipping away. I've learned all these things, I've told myself how to live, but I can't even follow my own words. All I have are my thoughts and myself.

And no matter where I fall asleep, I am always waking up in the same place.
A pounding head and a heavy heart.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.

Me when I'm high, and me when I'm sober are two different people.
And I've spent too many days playing both of them that I'm starting to get them mixed up.

This mindset I'm stuck in dissects everything I think, before it comes out. I can't speak up when I don't think it will make sense. Plus, people seem to analyze things more by how you say it, than what you said. It's like I'm gone, somewhere else. I don't know if what you just said was really that funny. This song doesn't sound as good as it did when we were driving in my car. Things have felt so much more real with something going through my body and my mind. Some of the most important things I've learned or written down were when I was high. Some of the most amazing times of my life, and the most amazing things, have happened when I was high. Things were so beautiful. It's brought out so much that I try not to think about when I'm sober. Things that look so different when they're in a view of a different perspective. Stepping away, pointing a finger at anything and saying that it's what has put me here, just doesn't seem fair. And staying sober, makes me feel like I'm trying to run away from the truth. It feels like it's all I have now that can make me feel real. Like I've been gasping on my addictions for air. Whether it's drugs, or it's love. Everything I try to stop myself from doing makes me feel like I'm trying to push my way out of the truth.

It seems funny to me that when you're overtaken with emotions, the only thing people can think to say is to convince yourself to feel the opposite. Aaah.. don't cry. You're going to be okay. or Just try not to think about it. As if that way, it would leave me alone. It's hard to forget, when I'm still stuck inside myself. And it's hard to resist temptation, when it's sitting in your glove box.

The things that have made this mess are the things I want to hold the closest.
But all I'm trying to do, is do all of this at once, instead of breaking it into a million little pieces with a bunch of don't-think-about-it's in between. And every day is a battle in myself of finding out what I really want. But when the high goes away, or when I'm alone at the end of the night, I'm really never sure.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Blame the blame on a broken heart, when you pack it all up and you make a start again

I've been pushing myself into situations that usually would take a couple hours of sorting out pros and cons before doing. And I've been around faces that I'm not used to, and it feels nice. Because even if sometimes it's scary for me, at least I'm not standing still anymore.

Moving on is hard. But I feel like I've collapsed in every single way, and rebuilding myself means that I have to stop trying to build us. There's still not a day or a night where you don't cross my mind. The places I go I wish you could come with, and when I'm laughing so hard I want you to be, too. When I'm home by myself I want you to be with me, and when I'm on my way home from work sometimes I want to take the exit that goes to your house. But then I'm bringing myself back to something that I'm not sure is meant for me anymore. I get so frustrated that you are so perfect for me, everything I've ever wanted, but can't be what I need. And I guess that goes both ways.

Susan tells me that relationships are all about being fed off of each others emotions. And it's hard to be certain with two people that aren't certain.

"Sometimes I'll be out, and I'll be wondering what she's doing. And even when I know she's at home, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Or I feel like I'm missing out, and it starts to stand out so much to me that it shouldn't be like this. That she should be here with me too. And even when she's not, I should be able to know we're okay, and I'm okay, and I can enjoy myself."
"What does it feel like when you're with her?"
"Safe.. it's important that you just said that."

I changed subjects and somehow with her silence, and her glances, she got me to spill out things that I haven't been able to say to anybody else in my life. And when I started to think about it, her telling me that safety is something that I am always wanting. It made me realize that whenever I'm away from the people that I care about the most, I'm so afraid of being left alone. Scared of peoples change of mind. And some of my worst days with anxiety are because I'm scared of what their next moves are going to be.

"Did you ever used to be like this?"
"Maybe I was, but I just looked past it."
"What about your fear of people leaving?"
"I usually left first."

In some of the most difficult things I've gone through, I've relied on us to pull me through it. Giving up on us is giving up on one of the best parts of my life, and one of the things that has the most control over how I feel every single day. You've been with me through everything this past year, but I'm going alone on this one. And I'm being placed in front of things to contrast and compare. This or that. Here or there. With you or without. I could be in love and afraid, but what if without you, I'm still just as afraid. What if I'm stepping out of something that I won't be able to get myself back into? What if we both change into the people we've always needed each other to be, once we're both gone. It's hard to love yourself when it feels like you're going to end up hating yourself for doing it.

Friday, February 26, 2010

"Sometimes your best way to deal with shit, is to not hold yourself as such a precious little prize."

After what felt like forever of waiting in a waiting room, filling out papers and looking at the clock, my name was called and my weight was taken. And after some talking and confessing to some things that are hard to even admit to myself, he gave me two pieces of paper. And it's pills, or it's talking, and I told him pills can't teach you anything except to go straight to the bottle when you need an escape. Pills can't help you cope. Pills just make it numb. And so he wrote down the name and number and I went into my dads car. And after my dad asked me what I was thinking, I told him I don't really know, but I feel like I'm starting something new. And after we drove in silence he dropped me at home, and I came in and pulled out the questionnaire and answered all the questions. The 1 through 5 scale for everything you feel. I sealed the envelope and I called the number, and I left a message, and I hung up the phone.

I've felt like my pride can get me through anything. But for once I'm admitting that I am unhappy, and angry. I'm scared of myself, and I'm scared of my future. But I'm not hopeless. This battle has gone on inside me for too long, and I'm ready for it to end.

I don't deserve the best, and I don't deserve the worst.
I just deserve to feel okay.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Neither of us, uncertainly

It bothers me that I don't know what to call us. It hurts that I feel I can't get you to listen to me anymore. That you're not here when I need you to be. I know I've fallen through with some plans, and I know I haven't been the most lively person to be around, and things have felt a little more off than usual when we're together. I know I wasn't straight forward about things I should have been. I know that there were days that you wanted to see me when I would go to my brothers or home instead. I know you didn't like when I smoked. I know I kept doing it. I know that I always had to go home when the moment was so perfect for me to stay. I know I made you feel like the time we spent together wasn't enough, but it was. I know I always talked about my plans with you, but I was always willing to wait. I still loved every moment spent with you. I feel like you should understand more than you do sometimes. Because I know you've felt this way. Like it's been too hard to follow through, and that your whole world was put on pause because you had some things to figure out. And the more I look back on it, the more I'm proud of myself for not being upset with it. Because it's okay that you needed your time. And it's okay that I need mine, too. And I know you think my words are all I have, but I have a lot more to me, too. And I'm sorry that I can't show you those parts of me.

You're a beautiful person. One of the most beautiful people I've ever met in my life. And I've never let you go because I know I will never find somebody as amazing as you. I know I can find someone that can love me all the same. But I can't ever find somebody that has a mind like you. I can't ever find somebody that can put the pieces into my life that you have. Because you're one in a million. And you have strengths that are hard to find. But as terribly hard as it is to admit, one of the biggest conflicts with myself, is not loving myself, whenever I feel like you don't love me. The more you ignore me, and the more you stray, the more I hate myself. And it's not all your fault. Because everything you do isn't for me. But I think about it, and our relationship has made me like this because it's something I've just brought myself to expect. I've let too many days be ruined by one thing I've suspected just to find out it was nothing. I've let jealousy take over me for things that never really end up mattering. I've stayed awake too many nights thinking about the things I do wrong and thinking about the things I know you want me to be. And I'm starting to feel like no matter what I do I can't be right for you. Like the things I see as no harm, you see as something so different. And I guess that's just what we both have done. I've beaten myself up with things I can't take back. And I feel like I'm stuck in this pattern that neither of us will ever let me change. I feel like you deserve somebody who's confident in what they love, and I feel like I deserve the same.

I can't blame this on anyone, or anything. But I'm starting to think maybe we were good for each other, and that good things don't last forever. But where do I go now? Because I've felt so comfortable having you with me this whole time. And I know that nothing in the world can make me feel the same. And what happens when I'm happy, and when none of this matters, where will you be? I'm so tired of being on the edge. It's hard feeling trapped, and it's getting scary trying to move. But I wanna fall asleep in ecstasy and wake up in certainty. I want to know that tomorrow, you'll still be there.

'And you try to find not much for you to hold
The more that you hold the more you feel alone

And wait
Until you can wait
Until you can wait
Until you can wait
No more'

Monday, February 22, 2010

So please forgive what I have done, no you can't stay mad at the setting sun

I feel like such a let down. It's so much easier to be by myself lately, and it's so hard to talk with anyone these days. Because the same thing keeps racing through my head. And I keep chocking on my words because I've been trying to do the opposite of what I've felt everybody else around me has been doing, saying things that sound nice, but not really paying attention to what they mean. Contradicting what they say they believe, making plans that won't happen. But most of all I've held back on speaking because I know that once words come out, things will never be interpreted in the way you meant for them to be. And the day that they understand exactly what you're feeling, will never come. I've kept my thoughts safe because I've felt you have to hold close the only thing that's yours.

I'm depressed. And I've been looking for a core reason but it's really just a combination of things that have been eating away at me. Things that keep occurring every single day. It's this nervousness that won't leave me alone. I've had too much time to recognize my feelings and find truth in things that I've been overlooking for a long time now. Nothing has ever felt so real in my life. I've never felt so fragile.

The other night I finally went out, to expose myself to faces and places and try something new, even though I knew it wasn't something I was ready for. It was nice spending time with Sydney again. The whole night didn't go the way it used to go, self wise. I looked around the party and everyone was having fun, and I at least can pretend but I wanted to feel it. I was pissed and so annoyed with myself for not even socializing like I could have been. After we left, I knew Sydney had a good time. But the whole drive I couldn't stop myself from thinking. We had really good music playing really loud and she looked at me smiling and said, "I love times like this. When you feel nothing, and nothing matters." I nodded, and agreed. But my eyes started to water up because I wanted that exactly. I couldn't. Because the whole time I would be looking out of the corner of my eye wondering what they were texting about, or thinking about my dad waiting at home, and thinking about how at that very moment I was breaking all the promises I made him on the first night I came back home. I was thinking back to the conversations I had that night, and thinking about what I could of said instead. I felt like nothing could get me away from myself. No person, no song, no substance, no liquid, no miles, no pill. I've been questioning my meaning so much lately. Not my purpose. My meaning. And I know there's worse things than being alone, I do. but right now I'm thinking that I've had too much. I've never felt so out of place. And I've never felt so much that I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. More like a burden than a cause. I can't speak up, and I can't care for the things I love like I should. I never wanted to break hearts in the process of mine being broken too. But my dad just confronted me about the empty bottles in the cupboard, and in about ten minutes he will get another call from the school about how I missed the whole day. And now I can't get around to see the people I want to see. And all my promises are turning into nothing.

I've spent too many days ignoring calls, and driving away from the places I should be. But now my car's broken down, and my thoughts are too heavy. And for once, I just want to be saved.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

We must stumble blindly forward

I'm back at home. It's always hard to decide where I feel like I fit into place more. Here, or at Davids. But no matter how many times I run away, I always know that eventually I have to come back.

When I first walked into my room my clothes were folded and layed out on my couch. I went and sat down and my dad walked in and sat on my bed. I didn't want to talk. Because our talks don't run the way they should. All we do is say everything we hate about each other and own up to nothing from ourselves. The whole time we were sitting apart from each other, one of us was looking at the wall, and one of us was looking at the floor. We never make eye contact anymore, or at least I don't. So he just looks away, too. It's weird looking at a face that you haven't seen in a while and how you notice all the details so much more. And when I finally looked at my dad, I realized how old he's getting. And it hurt me for some reason. I started thinking back to my talks in the middle of the night with Alyssa while staying at Davids and she said to me, "I know it's scary to think like this, but you're dad's not here forever. And I don't even mean that life long wise. One day you'll move away, and you're going to have your life, but right now is what you're going to remember." She said, "If you don't let any of your relationship be good, it's going to haunt you for so long. You'll want to go back and love him." And with every thing she'd say I'd find some way to reply by saying I just don't care. I don't care to try anymore. That there's nothing to try for. That my dad and I are two completely different people that were never meant to get along.

While I was sitting with him in my room, I tried to find any way to stop the conversation from being wrapped up. Because I never feel like I get enough out of ours. He talked to me about respect and about honesty, and how those are two traits that just aren't in me. Then he asked me,
"Why don't you let me get to know you?"
I told him, "Because you won't like who I am."
I talked about how I tell my mom everything. Every little thing that happens in my life and she accepts me with all the secrets, with all the lies, with all my flaws. And I told him that's a relationship him and I will never have. That he will always have expectations for what he wants me to be, and I will always destroy them and let him down. I told him I avoid him because I don't think I can let him down anymore. He puts too much hope into me, and I don't give him anything to make it burn.

What upset me so much was something him and Alyssa both said to me. "Your mom and you have a great relationship, but it wouldn't be the same if she lived with you." My dad said, "You'd hate her too, just like you hate me. She doesn't have to deal with the things I deal with, with you. She doesn't know how hard it can get. She doesn't have to try to get you to come home, doesn't have to get calls every single day from school." I said, "No. But she gets calls from us updating her on our tragedies just about every single day, and can do nothing to help us, except listen."

It was quiet for a while and my dad said, "I just wish you'd try for us."
And I said, "I just don't see the point anymore.. We are both stubborn people and I don't think we will ever make the changes we need to for each other."
He asked me why don't I come out and talk to him. I said, "I just don't know what I would talk to you about. The things I want to talk about the most, you would have no interest in or make me feel ridiculous." I said, "I just don't feel like we could ever be close." He looked upset and hurt. He told me, "Well then go ahead and stay here for this last year and we'll both be just two people that live with each other. You do the things I need you to do, and I'll do the same. And we'll both go our own ways. I can't be your Mom. I can't make you feel okay about your mistakes. This is all I have to offer. I have fixing your car for you while you talk to me, the TV and movies, and the dinner table. I don't have an exciting life, and I'm not an interesting person. But I'm your Dad." I stayed silent in shock because I had never heard him say something like that before. I've stayed silent ever since.

I love my dad, I do. He may not be able to fix my problems, but he can fix my car. And he might not be able to find the right words to say, but he can find something else to distract me instead. What I never did, was argue against what he said about us not trying for each other anymore. I didn't agree, I didn't disagree. He told me that my problem is I think I know everything and think he knows nothing. But I told him neither of us know everything, just the things we do know, and the things we believe in, are so different. But what I never told him after our conversation ended, is I'm willing to drop those things while I'm here at home. Because the fact that I've been denying this whole time is, I do want a relationship with my dad. I just don't know how to connect with him. I don't know how to step out of my room, sit on the couch next to his chair, and make it feel real. I don't know how to apply that I care. That's my biggest problem lately. But I'm willing to try. While I was at Davids we talked about how our Dad has never really accepted us for exactly what we are. We said how he needs to lower his expectations just about all the way, and accept what he has. But it's funny how our advice can turn around on us. Accepting my dad for what he is, is exactly what I need to do, too.

"I tried talking, just whispered, "So selfish.." He stopped me and said, "Child, I love you regardless. And there is nothing you could do that would ever change this. I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again." And so now I try to keep up, I’ve been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I’m rubbing my eyes cause they’re starting to bother me. I’ve been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery, to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Running up that hill - Placebo

No matter what anybody says, I feel absolutely alone. I've never wanted to be like my dad. I have always said that I will never let myself be as stubborn and close minded as him. And I fight it as much as possible in every situation that I face with him. No matter how angry I am, no matter how many times he presses ignore or turns off his phone, no matter how many times he tells me I wont graduate, and tells me I can't do the things I want to do. I fight against my anger and tell myself to open my mind and shut my mouth. And when I want to fight against that too, I push myself farther. I say, "Open it more." and I feel his anger. I give up, and I give in, and I set down the phone, and I feel stronger. And then my revenge, is my personal gain.

But sometimes I slip. And tonight I realized that everything me and him do for each other, isn't really out of us caring. It's still out of revenge. Him trying to prove me wrong off of the things I said, me trying to do the things he tells me to do so I can get the hell out of there. It's not generosity. It just comes off like that. Him and I really will never be able to have a relationship like a Dad and son should. Tonight I slipped because I was in shock. Because even after things calmed down, after the adrenaline stopped rushing, he's still able to say, "I think you need to start planning to leave soon. I think it would be the best for everyone around here." I was silent. He says, "I don't know what to do with you anymore." And nothing is fucking wrong. I've been okay. We've been okay. I'm in my night school classes, I'm going to class, I've been working and coming home. But he will always base things off the past, or off of anything that happens in the moment. And to be honest.. I don't even know what happened in the moment that started all of this. He will never let me be, and I will never be able to fixed. He will never let me forget and he'll never allow me to grow. He said, "I don't plan on buying graduation cards for your graduation, or your cap and gown. I don't see the point. You're not going to graduate." I said, "I hate you." He tells me to go get my stuff and leave. And once again we're back to yelling. As he's scrolling through the pictures on my brothers memory card he found on the big screen. All pictures you would never want your parents to see. He says, "I don't want you to come to California. I want people there that I love. I don't want to be around something like you." Not someone, something. A picture comes up on the screen of my brother hidden behind a cloud of smoke. My dad looks pissed and disgusted. My dad looks back at me, "Why are you still here? Get the hell out of my house." I look at the screen, "Are you proud of your son? He's never happy with you. None of us are. We all hate you. And he'll be leaving soon. Why can't you ever understand that it's you that's the terrible disgusting thing that is causing the problem with us. Why do you think David will never call you." He looks back and throws the remote at me. I keep yelling the same things over and over. He says, "You're stubborn and care about nobody but yourself. You don't know how to love or care about anyone or anything." But how would he know when he doesn't even know me. He said, "You don't listen. You always talk. That's your problem." Which is something I've always wanted to say to him. I wanted to go upstairs and grab the card I wrote him on his birthday and burn it. The one thanking him for helping me grow. The one that said "I hope you really know how great of a person and a father you really are." But I wouldn't. Because when I said that, I meant it. When I wrote it I really loved him. I let us be okay. So I didn't take back those things, even if I hate him now. My revenge was packing my bags, and saying those terrible things. Throwing at him the things that could hurt worse than anything else. Things that could echo in his head, just like he does to me. And I left.

I hate myself for letting me be him. For not biting harder on my tongue. For hurting him and destroying words that once held love. For losing all of my personal gain I had, and only walking away with a closed mind and an open mouth. With hate and anger inside of me, which is taking over.

If I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places.
Be running up that road, be running up that hill, with no problems.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Fake it till you make it

I'm thinking about what Bryant was like when I first met him, in the Portland airport, when we both ran into each other there while we were waiting for our planes. And what he was like the majority of the time we were friends. And it's what makes me hate that he left, so much. He was spontaneous and consistent. No matter the period of time in between, it never came in between. We never stopped talking after all the times we flaked out. And he still always asked, "What are you doing this weekend?" when he knew my only reply would be, "Work"

But what Bryant did, taught me a lot. From the day I picked him up in the parking lot at school with his dog, when he told me he lost everything, from the times having to go pick him up at Motel 6, the nights driving around with him when I couldn't even get him to respond to me, when he couldn't even function, figuring out where he's going to sleep. The lies to his friends, and the lies to himself. The trip to the airport that had no reason behind it. Taking him to Corvallis just to take him back. Every time we would be driving, I would look in my rear view mirror and look at him sitting with a blank face or laying down and asleep and kept asking myself, "What happened?" I honestly felt like he died. We said bye three times, everytime was supposed to be for good. And then a couple hours later it would be, "Can you come pick me up?" He set out his whole life like it was ruined and he focused on it being ruined, when in all reality, when nobody really knew, it was still all together. I believed him through everything, and I don't regret that. I refused to leave him at the airport, or to even take him home. But what happened after the airport is where the lesson really came in. It was hard taking him back to his house, and I was still stuck in shock when not even the slightest bit of emotion came out of him when we actually pulled up to the front of his door.. "It's time to go home.."

I didn't hear from him for two days. Nobody did. Nobody wanted to. Because he made us feel used, foolish, and upset with how emotionless he was towards everything. His exit failed, and when I dropped him off that night I thought for sure that would be the last time I'd see him. But two days of all sleep pass, and I get a call. And what Bryant tells us is hard to believe. It didn't all add up, that he just couldn't remember anything. But it didn't matter.. He was talking, and eating, and breathing just like a normal person again. He was home and he was okay. And he was still leaving, but it wasn't just something he was convincing himself this time. He was back to exactly what I remembered. I wasn't scared of him anymore. We were with him, and we were laughing, and it's like everything that had happened just didn't matter. What he taught me is that it doesn't matter what happens to you or what everyone believes, if you can make yourself believe something and make yourself jump into something that quickly, that's all that matters. He went back to normal just like that. And I know he was still unhappy, because in reality, he was still running away because he didn't know what else to do with his life. But he forced himself back to his old ways for his friends, for his family, for his pride. What Bryant showed me was that we can make our lives into whatever we want it to be. Where we are, and where we're going, is all under our control. He showed me that to get back up on your feet again, you have to make yourself believe all sorts of things. We're all stuck in something that we can't get out of. And I feel like sometimes we have to force ourselves to let things be okay, even if we're not. That just because everything feels destroyed, doesn't mean you should keep destroying. Just because you feel like you lost your grip, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get it back. And when you truly believe you can't, do it anyway. Fight against your negativity, your grudges, and your fears, or else they have control. And things slip away so quickly when you let them.

I don't know if he'll come back. And I don't know why people always leave at the worst times. But I'm realizing more and more that it's time to focus on my next steps, too. It's time for me to fight against the current.

Some lighter heads for our heavy hearts

'And now I don't know why, but I still try to smile
when they talk at me like I'm just a child.
Well, I'm not a child. No, I am much younger than that.

And now I have read some books and have grown quite brave.
If I could just speak up I think I would say that there is no truth.
There is only you and what you make the truth. '

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Drop The World

I've got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind.

I can hardly talk to people anymore, even the people who love me the most. Because everything that runs through my head I can't even put into words, and when I try I end up feeling like it's misinterpreted or made into something else. The things that I've seen and the things that have been played out in front of me the past few months have changed my world. And I'm feeling so far from everybody else, but I've never felt closer to myself. I've let fear and anxiety take over the majority of my life and can hardly enjoy myself wherever I am. I feel so closed off. As lonely as I've been, I still haven't been left alone. But it's my biggest fear. And I'm just in shock with how fast things can happen, all at once.

Cammisha moved out, so the house is more quiet now. But last night she came over and even though it was a bunch of silence, through our car rides, or sitting in my room, at one point she asked me, "When do you think this started?" And I tried to think back.. Which is what I've been trying to do for a while now, think back to the last time I was happy, and figure out what took me away. But I couldn't. Then she asked me, "How will you get out of it?" And that question keeps burning, too.

Yesterday, I forgot my own dads birthday. And the only thing he got from me was an argument over the phone. By the time I realized it, I was rushing to get home, and he was already going to sleep. Tonight I looked through pictures of the dinner they had, and felt disgusting not being able to say I was there. I've been torn apart, and torn away. From just about every single thing in my life. The last shift of work I worked was on Saturday. Mon pulled me to the back at the end of the night and told me she's changing up my shifts for personal time off. When I asked her why, and she said, "I look at you from when you first started, and you now, and see something missing.. And I think the best thing I could do for you right now, is to give you time to yourself." And I was thinking, "I already have enough of that." But I took it anyway. It's funny how most of the time, when I think I have things hidden so well, I don't realize how obviously they're being displayed. How when I think what I'm doing is only changing my life, I'm changing the lives around me, too.

These past few months have pushed me to rely on my own strength more than ever before. But I'm learning, and I'm keeping all these thoughts sealed safe in the back of my mind. Because all these things I've learned are things that nobody can ever take away from me. A strength that can never be broken.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Voice On Tape

There's something about my phone calls with my mom lately that make me so upset. Most of the time, we play phone tag. It's me on her machine, it's hers on mine, and then a couple days later one of us answers. But she always sounds so concerned when we talk.. It's what made my brothers stop calling. It's like she doesn't listen when I tell her the good things going on in my life, and she only asks about the bad. Every conversation is, "Are you happy?" or, "Are you and your dad okay?" It's what she always warned me about when I was younger. When I was little I would call her every single night, usually at the same time. No matter where I was. Even when she was in the same town. I couldn't fall asleep with out her saying, "Goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams." I love mine and my moms relationship, that I could still feel so close to her when I was only hearing her voice through telephone wires or satellites. She'd say to me, "I'll worry every single day for you guys. Wondering how your day went. Wondering if you're okay. And when I call it's the only way to make sure.." I'd say to her everytime, "I'll always call you, mom."

I look at family now, and everyone around me, and realize as you get older it really does become one of those things that I never wanted to imagine. Family calls family to see how they're doing, because it's been a while, because they need to catch up, because it'd probably be nice to let them know you're thinking about them. But then it's all this catch up and small talk. My mom says things like, "How have you been lately?" or "What's new?" and I hate that. My mom is my best friend and we don't need catch up talk.

One time when I was really young, we were at Harry's house and we were both in the basement sitting on the couch, I think it was one of my last days being there because the same conversation came up again. She said to me, "Your brothers stopped calling.. and it's okay. You will too." I said, "I promise I won't." She said, "It's okay.." And I kept saying, I won't, I won't. She didn't respond so I started pounding my hands into the couch and started crying, "Mom I will never stop calling you." She hugged me and I put my head into her shoulder. She rubbed my back and kept saying, "It's okay.. I believe you.. It's okay.."

I miss her so much. I miss our roadtrips together.. Staying in hotels more than staying in homes. Waking up in a hotel room to the smell of her brewing coffee, and hairspray. I miss making her laugh. I miss the ways she used to entertain me and how hard she tried, mine and my brothers happiness is the most important thing in the world to her. I miss the strength of the two words, "It's okay." and how okay I felt when she would say them. And to tell the truth.. I feel like I've let her down. I hate my brothers for not seeing what I see.

I feel like I call her at my worst points, I feel like I put even more fear into her, that I'm something else to worry about. Sometimes it feels like everything I hate about my life, she tries to hate with me too. And all I need really need, to see how ridiculous I can be, is an echo. Today when she called she said in a concerned tone,
"Do you have to work all weekend?"
I tried to sound positive, I said, "Yeah! I do."
She then says, "So the semesters over?..." I say, "Mhm."
"And did you pass you classes?"
"What are you going to do? Does dad know this ahead of time? Will this be a surprise to him?"
"I think he knows.."
"Will you tell David to call Grandma? He never called her on Christmas."
"Mom, he won't call.."
"Has Matthew still not talked to you?"
"He won't even look at me."
"It'll be okay, he'll forgive.."
"Maybe. I have to get going though, I'm leaving for work soon."
"Okay, I guess I'll just talk to you later this weekend?"
"Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow."
"I love you, Michael."
"I love you, too."

And I hung up frustrated. Thinking about the words, "It's okay." And wishing they felt the same, wishing she didn't have to check what else I'm doing wrong. And not only am I starting to feel like I've made her fear, but I'm starting to feel like I've abandoned what we used to be.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I'm either too tired, or too out of my normal state of mind to speak. there's only a couple hours out of each day where it's not like that. I feel okay because I really don't feel a thing. But I have a lot in my head that hasn't come out to anybody. I'm forgetting all the things I like about myself and staying hidden instead. Every day has felt like a lesson, maybe a replacement for me not going to class. I've learned more in the past few months than school has ever taught me.. But I'm also failing all of my classes. And I'm always getting letters about attendance officers, or alternative ways to graduate. And all of a sudden all I can think about is the one thing I hate to think about the most, the future.

Confidence is so important, and it's what I'm lacking the most right now.

I'm scared for my dad to come home and once again rub in my face that I'm a failure when he gets a call from the school tonight. Today I'm staying in my room, I'm not leaving. I'm not driving away. I'm not going to smoke and I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to stay in my room and let myself be, instead of pulling in distractions. I don't think about much anymore, and if I do, I don't say anything about it. I hold it in. I haven't actually been alone for the past couple weeks. I mean, I'm not lonely anymore. You can't be when your best friend is living downstairs. I'm trying my hardest to let myself, and let things be okay. To not alter anything. And to not react to things and see if they go away. I'm leaving everything untouched for now, and just watching things pass me by.

I miss Matthew, and I think that's just one of the biggest things that has been eating away at me the most the past few days. How do you tell your own brother that you support him going into the army when you really don't know if you do?
He says, "I don't care if we never say a word again."
He doesn't see I'm trying.

I put it together and I thought, if it's what he wants, really what he wants to do, I have to accept that. I put it into words and I sent him a message, I kept it short, I made it simple.. But it was ignored. Just like my texts, just like my calls, just like when he's at the house and he won't even look at me. I feel like once I wasn't a child anymore, was the day he started hating me. For ruining his weekend nights when he was a teenager, for getting in the way of the things he wants. Maybe he hates me because he thinks I don't understand him. He's leaving in three months, and I don't just want to be a grudge that he's holding. I want my brothers back. Both of them. We don't even feel like a family anymore, I hate when my mom asks me how they are and I always have to say, "I don't know I haven't talked to them in so long. I miss them." And then she goes, "You miss them? Michael, I talk to David about three times a year." And then the very next day it's the same thing again, "What's going on with Matthew and David?" And once again.. "I don't know.."

Matthews at the house right now, and I'm too scared to even try saying anything to him or open my door. Cammisha's still at school and wont be home until tonight, and my Dad and Susan are still at work. I have no one around me, and I have nothing to distract me. So today I'm going to trap myself. Today I'm going to let it all in. But mostly, I'm going to forgive, and I'm going to drop my grudges, too. Because grudges arent all just anger. But a fear that picks away at you as you hold it close.

Today I start on dropping my grudges against myself.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I remember you told me to take it easy

One thing that will always be constant, is people always change. And I mean, I know that's obvious.. But it always has amazed me seeing people I haven't seen in a while, and seeing how they end up. In middle school I had this friend named Julia. She was my first cruel friend. I met her through Justin, or maybe it was Mackenzie.. I'm not really sure anymore. Julia introduced me to people I never thought I would know, and brought me into things that were out of my comfort zone. Every day we spent time together felt like some type of lesson. Like I was a blank disk and she was trying to record on me. She was my first friend who would be honest to me about everything, her way of helping me. She would say in front of a big group of people that we were with, out loud, in front of everyone, that I was being awkward. She would tell you her tricks, and then show them on other people in front of you. She would push my phone away from me when my dad was texting me saying come home and say, "Lets go somewhere." instead. She pointed out things in people I never noticed. She made fun of everyone. My friends, her friends, me, herself, everyone. People hated her because everyone knew they were a target in her eyes. Anybody that walked by, something would be said. She would speak loud enough so people would hear here, and then laugh real loudly. She was the perfect example of what your parents told you to stay away from when you were younger, she was exactly what people described as the type of person as "someone who has no confidence." She said she looks in the mirror every day and says the things she hates about herself. She had her problems, but she still had her confidence, too. What always amazed me was how everything she did, seemed like it was all planned out to the core. It all went so perfectly, fit right into plan, was in single file, like it went exactly the way she intended. She tells me she wants to know my best friend Mackenzie, and then Mackenzie is her next door neighbor. And now going to Mackenzie's house is hopping over the fence in the middle of the night to go to Julias. And little by little I watched Mackenzie become everything Julia was creating her into, everything I never let her record on me. She never wanted to stay at home. She would never let her mom drop us off infront of anyone because she said her moms car was embarrassing and her mom in general was embarrassing. We didn't have cars, so we'd just walk everywhere. And somehow everywhere we went, she would take us to come across the funniest things, she's one of the funniest people I've ever known. How did we end up here, and this exact time, for that hilarious thing to just happen? It's like there was a script hidden somewhere. We would go to sheldon and she'd bring this old blue boom box and turn the volume all the way up, we layed on the concrete. She was either blasting the Indian music station, or opera, because it was funnier. The summer night when she saw a door open to the school and told us to follow her as we snuck in. We ran through the halls until we heard someone yell something at us, and we all ran out and ended up hiding behind a big bush, which we never really left from. I remember the first cigarette she handed to Mackenzie, and the first time they snuck to the backyard to get high. I remember her telling me to not trust her. She took the longest time getting ready, and would refuse to go somewhere if there was something wrong with how she looked. But one time it was pouring while we were at her house so I made her go outside, we walked through her neighborhood in it until she had soaked hair and smeared make up. And when we took pictures, or when I took pictures of her, she didn't hide her face. She kept smiling and kicking the puddles. That was one of my favorite times.

When she ended things with people, whether it was relationships or friendships, it was always in a cold way. Not really cruel, just so quickly and when you would least expect it. It was sort of a mutual understanding with everyone that came into her life, that you were just temporary. She made that clear. I even remember talking to her about graduation in high school and saying something like, "We have to do something crazy before or after graduation." And she said, "Will we even still be friends by then?" Sometimes there wasn't a reason for her leaving, and sometimes she wouldn't even bring them up again, but she always knew when and how to do it, or how to push them away. The last time I remember spending time with her was a little before my freshman year. We hadn't seen each other for a couple weeks, I guess we sort of just stopped talking. We were in front of Sheldon with a pretty random group of people and a couple mutual friends. And nothing had happened between us, at all, the last time I could remember us hanging out before that was us sitting on her front steps eating top ramen raw, and watching cars go by. While we were standing there, a couple weeks later, she wouldn't look at me. She'd be laughing about something else with someone else, and I didn't even try to talk to her because she didn't either.. It was weird. And when we left, we didn't say anything. I didn't see her at school anymore. I didn't text her anymore. I didn't go to hers, or Mackenzie's house anymore. She was on to the next one, and every year I saw her less and less.

Yesterday she added me on Facebook. A couple years ago she deleted everyone she had known off of Myspace and Facebook when she switched schools. I was surprised to see we had no mutual friends, she added me first before anyone else.. But what surprised me more, was what she had become. She's engaged, and there's all these pictures of her her and her fiance who now live with each other in Washington. She's 18. Now she loves big trucks and shotguns. She likes country music and dresses like a "cowgirl." She is everything that she would make fun of in the past. Posting pictures she of herself that she would make me delete back then. It's like she had all these social rules before, that she completely dropped now. It's all so different to the point where I wondered if she's even really being serious. Like maybe this is just another lifestyle she's testing out.. Because I had watch her switch her rolls so many times before. But when I thought about it, and when I kept looking through the pictures, I was thinking maybe she really is happy now. Maybe going to Washington was her final exit, and maybe she's in the place she always wanted to be before. I think she was miserable being stuck in what she had to be here in Eugene. And I think we're all just waiting for our turn. For everything to fall into the places we want them to be. She ended up happy with things that could have never pleased her before.

If I would of told julia this is how she would turn out four years ago, she would of laughed, and told me to shut up. And that's what makes my head spin. If there's one thing I can expect, and accept, it's that my roll will change one million times, but I myself, will end up happy too. Our future really can't be seen.