We must stumble blindly forward

I'm back at home. It's always hard to decide where I feel like I fit into place more. Here, or at Davids. But no matter how many times I run away, I always know that eventually I have to come back.

When I first walked into my room my clothes were folded and layed out on my couch. I went and sat down and my dad walked in and sat on my bed. I didn't want to talk. Because our talks don't run the way they should. All we do is say everything we hate about each other and own up to nothing from ourselves. The whole time we were sitting apart from each other, one of us was looking at the wall, and one of us was looking at the floor. We never make eye contact anymore, or at least I don't. So he just looks away, too. It's weird looking at a face that you haven't seen in a while and how you notice all the details so much more. And when I finally looked at my dad, I realized how old he's getting. And it hurt me for some reason. I started thinking back to my talks in the middle of the night with Alyssa while staying at Davids and she said to me, "I know it's scary to think like this, but you're dad's not here forever. And I don't even mean that life long wise. One day you'll move away, and you're going to have your life, but right now is what you're going to remember." She said, "If you don't let any of your relationship be good, it's going to haunt you for so long. You'll want to go back and love him." And with every thing she'd say I'd find some way to reply by saying I just don't care. I don't care to try anymore. That there's nothing to try for. That my dad and I are two completely different people that were never meant to get along.

While I was sitting with him in my room, I tried to find any way to stop the conversation from being wrapped up. Because I never feel like I get enough out of ours. He talked to me about respect and about honesty, and how those are two traits that just aren't in me. Then he asked me,
"Why don't you let me get to know you?"
I told him, "Because you won't like who I am."
I talked about how I tell my mom everything. Every little thing that happens in my life and she accepts me with all the secrets, with all the lies, with all my flaws. And I told him that's a relationship him and I will never have. That he will always have expectations for what he wants me to be, and I will always destroy them and let him down. I told him I avoid him because I don't think I can let him down anymore. He puts too much hope into me, and I don't give him anything to make it burn.

What upset me so much was something him and Alyssa both said to me. "Your mom and you have a great relationship, but it wouldn't be the same if she lived with you." My dad said, "You'd hate her too, just like you hate me. She doesn't have to deal with the things I deal with, with you. She doesn't know how hard it can get. She doesn't have to try to get you to come home, doesn't have to get calls every single day from school." I said, "No. But she gets calls from us updating her on our tragedies just about every single day, and can do nothing to help us, except listen."

It was quiet for a while and my dad said, "I just wish you'd try for us."
And I said, "I just don't see the point anymore.. We are both stubborn people and I don't think we will ever make the changes we need to for each other."
He asked me why don't I come out and talk to him. I said, "I just don't know what I would talk to you about. The things I want to talk about the most, you would have no interest in or make me feel ridiculous." I said, "I just don't feel like we could ever be close." He looked upset and hurt. He told me, "Well then go ahead and stay here for this last year and we'll both be just two people that live with each other. You do the things I need you to do, and I'll do the same. And we'll both go our own ways. I can't be your Mom. I can't make you feel okay about your mistakes. This is all I have to offer. I have fixing your car for you while you talk to me, the TV and movies, and the dinner table. I don't have an exciting life, and I'm not an interesting person. But I'm your Dad." I stayed silent in shock because I had never heard him say something like that before. I've stayed silent ever since.

I love my dad, I do. He may not be able to fix my problems, but he can fix my car. And he might not be able to find the right words to say, but he can find something else to distract me instead. What I never did, was argue against what he said about us not trying for each other anymore. I didn't agree, I didn't disagree. He told me that my problem is I think I know everything and think he knows nothing. But I told him neither of us know everything, just the things we do know, and the things we believe in, are so different. But what I never told him after our conversation ended, is I'm willing to drop those things while I'm here at home. Because the fact that I've been denying this whole time is, I do want a relationship with my dad. I just don't know how to connect with him. I don't know how to step out of my room, sit on the couch next to his chair, and make it feel real. I don't know how to apply that I care. That's my biggest problem lately. But I'm willing to try. While I was at Davids we talked about how our Dad has never really accepted us for exactly what we are. We said how he needs to lower his expectations just about all the way, and accept what he has. But it's funny how our advice can turn around on us. Accepting my dad for what he is, is exactly what I need to do, too.

"I tried talking, just whispered, "So sorry...so selfish.." He stopped me and said, "Child, I love you regardless. And there is nothing you could do that would ever change this. I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again." And so now I try to keep up, I’ve been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I’m rubbing my eyes cause they’re starting to bother me. I’ve been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery, to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough."