Neither of us, uncertainly

It bothers me that I don't know what to call us. It hurts that I feel I can't get you to listen to me anymore. That you're not here when I need you to be. I know I've fallen through with some plans, and I know I haven't been the most lively person to be around, and things have felt a little more off than usual when we're together. I know I wasn't straight forward about things I should have been. I know that there were days that you wanted to see me when I would go to my brothers or home instead. I know you didn't like when I smoked. I know I kept doing it. I know that I always had to go home when the moment was so perfect for me to stay. I know I made you feel like the time we spent together wasn't enough, but it was. I know I always talked about my plans with you, but I was always willing to wait. I still loved every moment spent with you. I feel like you should understand more than you do sometimes. Because I know you've felt this way. Like it's been too hard to follow through, and that your whole world was put on pause because you had some things to figure out. And the more I look back on it, the more I'm proud of myself for not being upset with it. Because it's okay that you needed your time. And it's okay that I need mine, too. And I know you think my words are all I have, but I have a lot more to me, too. And I'm sorry that I can't show you those parts of me.

You're a beautiful person. One of the most beautiful people I've ever met in my life. And I've never let you go because I know I will never find somebody as amazing as you. I know I can find someone that can love me all the same. But I can't ever find somebody that has a mind like you. I can't ever find somebody that can put the pieces into my life that you have. Because you're one in a million. And you have strengths that are hard to find. But as terribly hard as it is to admit, one of the biggest conflicts with myself, is not loving myself, whenever I feel like you don't love me. The more you ignore me, and the more you stray, the more I hate myself. And it's not all your fault. Because everything you do isn't for me. But I think about it, and our relationship has made me like this because it's something I've just brought myself to expect. I've let too many days be ruined by one thing I've suspected just to find out it was nothing. I've let jealousy take over me for things that never really end up mattering. I've stayed awake too many nights thinking about the things I do wrong and thinking about the things I know you want me to be. And I'm starting to feel like no matter what I do I can't be right for you. Like the things I see as no harm, you see as something so different. And I guess that's just what we both have done. I've beaten myself up with things I can't take back. And I feel like I'm stuck in this pattern that neither of us will ever let me change. I feel like you deserve somebody who's confident in what they love, and I feel like I deserve the same.

I can't blame this on anyone, or anything. But I'm starting to think maybe we were good for each other, and that good things don't last forever. But where do I go now? Because I've felt so comfortable having you with me this whole time. And I know that nothing in the world can make me feel the same. And what happens when I'm happy, and when none of this matters, where will you be? I'm so tired of being on the edge. It's hard feeling trapped, and it's getting scary trying to move. But I wanna fall asleep in ecstasy and wake up in certainty. I want to know that tomorrow, you'll still be there.

'And you try to find not much for you to hold
The more that you hold the more you feel alone

And wait
Until you can wait
Until you can wait
Until you can wait
No more'