No matter what anybody says, I feel absolutely alone. I've never wanted to be like my dad. I have always said that I will never let myself be as stubborn and close minded as him. And I fight it as much as possible in every situation that I face with him. No matter how angry I am, no matter how many times he presses ignore or turns off his phone, no matter how many times he tells me I wont graduate, and tells me I can't do the things I want to do. I fight against my anger and tell myself to open my mind and shut my mouth. And when I want to fight against that too, I push myself farther. I say, "Open it more." and I feel his anger. I give up, and I give in, and I set down the phone, and I feel stronger. And then my revenge, is my personal gain.
But sometimes I slip. And tonight I realized that everything me and him do for each other, isn't really out of us caring. It's still out of revenge. Him trying to prove me wrong off of the things I said, me trying to do the things he tells me to do so I can get the hell out of there. It's not generosity. It just comes off like that. Him and I really will never be able to have a relationship like a Dad and son should. Tonight I slipped because I was in shock. Because even after things calmed down, after the adrenaline stopped rushing, he's still able to say, "I think you need to start planning to leave soon. I think it would be the best for everyone around here." I was silent. He says, "I don't know what to do with you anymore." And nothing is fucking wrong. I've been okay. We've been okay. I'm in my night school classes, I'm going to class, I've been working and coming home. But he will always base things off the past, or off of anything that happens in the moment. And to be honest.. I don't even know what happened in the moment that started all of this. He will never let me be, and I will never be able to fixed. He will never let me forget and he'll never allow me to grow. He said, "I don't plan on buying graduation cards for your graduation, or your cap and gown. I don't see the point. You're not going to graduate." I said, "I hate you." He tells me to go get my stuff and leave. And once again we're back to yelling. As he's scrolling through the pictures on my brothers memory card he found on the big screen. All pictures you would never want your parents to see. He says, "I don't want you to come to California. I want people there that I love. I don't want to be around something like you." Not someone, something. A picture comes up on the screen of my brother hidden behind a cloud of smoke. My dad looks pissed and disgusted. My dad looks back at me, "Why are you still here? Get the hell out of my house." I look at the screen, "Are you proud of your son? He's never happy with you. None of us are. We all hate you. And he'll be leaving soon. Why can't you ever understand that it's you that's the terrible disgusting thing that is causing the problem with us. Why do you think David will never call you." He looks back and throws the remote at me. I keep yelling the same things over and over. He says, "You're stubborn and care about nobody but yourself. You don't know how to love or care about anyone or anything." But how would he know when he doesn't even know me. He said, "You don't listen. You always talk. That's your problem." Which is something I've always wanted to say to him. I wanted to go upstairs and grab the card I wrote him on his birthday and burn it. The one thanking him for helping me grow. The one that said "I hope you really know how great of a person and a father you really are." But I wouldn't. Because when I said that, I meant it. When I wrote it I really loved him. I let us be okay. So I didn't take back those things, even if I hate him now. My revenge was packing my bags, and saying those terrible things. Throwing at him the things that could hurt worse than anything else. Things that could echo in his head, just like he does to me. And I left.
I hate myself for letting me be him. For not biting harder on my tongue. For hurting him and destroying words that once held love. For losing all of my personal gain I had, and only walking away with a closed mind and an open mouth. With hate and anger inside of me, which is taking over.
If I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places.
Be running up that road, be running up that hill, with no problems.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Stop, you're not like him. You always talk about these terrible things he does, and you're nothing like that. You're NICE. When you talk about your friends who skip class a bunch and stuff, you never say, "they're not going to get anywhere in life", you just say like, "she needs to go to class, she skips so much!" And when you do say that they won't go anywhere in life, from your tone, I can always tell you aren't being really serious. I think you're so focused on NOT being like your dad, that when you actually do something that he tends to do, you view it way out proportion. Like you see that one thing as a giant part of your personality all of the sudden, even when it's not.
You need to do three things: look at your least favorite qualities of his, and find out what the opposite of those qualities are. Like, he constantly tells you that you're a failure because you've skipped class and such. Well, when one of your friends admits to skipping school or something, encourage them to be better. "You shouldn't skip, I know you're smart enough to pass the class." Sounds cheesy, but I'm being serious. You'll feel better about yourself if you do the opposite of him (as long as you're doing a good thing!) Or like when you notice that your dad is super judgemental of people, then you yourself should try and be really open minded.
2nd, hang out with better influences. I'm probably wrong, but it seems like all of your friends party. You need a mix. Having non-partyer friends who prefer being sober and succeeding in school will, yes it WILL, motivate you to try harder. I know you're already trying, but having friends who seriously care about school will help motivate you to keep working hard.
3rd, find a friend with a dad who you really like. Seriously, don't just blow this off. It can be sooo damamging if you don't have a good father figure in your life. If you can find a friend who has a dad that's super nice and supportive of you, you WILL feel better about this, and your dads stupid insults won't bother you as much.
And last of all, DO NOT try and rebel against him by skipping class and partying and stuff even more. No no no, that'll drag you down into a hole you can't get out of. Tons of the people we both know who are notorious party kids have either tried to get their GED and are getting nowhere in life, or their looks/social lives/education are going to shit.
I love you, stay strong buddy. You've been through a lot, I know you can get past all this <3
Oh, and I loooove Running Up That Hill. My favorite version is the original, by Kate Bush :D
Post a Comment