Sunday, November 30, 2008


I'm ready.
This time I know what I'm doing.
This time I know what I can, and can't do.
And this time, I really mean it.

It's time for a break through.

I'm ready to show what I'm capible of. And I'm ready to prove to everyone what I can do. I'm ready to prove that I've been underestimated.

I'm just getting started.
I'm forgetting about whatever the hell has happened, because it already happened.
I think finally I know how to not take things, or people too seriously. In the end, the only thing you can strongly rely on is yourself, and a couple great people around you.

I'm ready to be taken seriously

Saturday, November 29, 2008

"Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down"

More than anyone else, my family makes me the happiest. I'm most comfortable around my moms side of the family. I love my Aunt Kris. I love Ashley and Jessica, Uncle Bobby and Aunt Theresa. I love Grandma Maryanne and Aunt Linda. Being around all of them is just comfortable to me. With my dads side of the family it's so different. I'm so uptight and it feels like I have to put on some type of act.

I love my aunt Kris' house. I could stay there forever.

This weekend really brought me close to my brother Matthew. It's like I got to really know him all over again. He was my ride up to Washington. He drives like a crazy person. But that's okay, because that's more fun.

The traffic was bad, but I really didn't mind. I like car rides. I liked the fact that the traffic made the drive longer, because the drive was relaxing to me. We sort of just sat in silence listening to the loud music, but it really wasn't uncomfortable. I like the fact that we actually try to be nice to each other now. He dealt with my phone going off just about every minute, and I forced myself to not complain about having to listen to his country music the whole way up there. We never said anything about it either. I liked that he started to play music on his iPod that I actually liked after a while. I've grown to love the song Into the Ocean. If I heard it at any other time, I probably wouldn't of seen it as anything special. But I guess I just love some songs because of the moments they remind me of. I have a new appreciation for the song Only God Knows Why, and I've grown to have a tolerance for Tim McGraw songs. Music can really connect you with people. And peoples taste in music can really show you the type of person they are.

The trip was nice. Not long enough.. But nice.
I already miss everyone. Every time I leave from seeing my mom, and come home, I lose a little bit more of myself. It was really hard to see her cry as we drove off.

I am so thankful for my family.
I love you all.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Plans. Fears, And Expectations

Today has just been a huge outlook on my future, and an outlook on where I am right now, and what I'm really doing with my life..

After school today my dad set up a meeting with Mr. Cabrerra, Mrs. Childs, and Mr. Cisco. All through fourth period I was a nervous wreck thinking about how the meeting was gonna go, and thinking about what they were going to say. It went okay. I don't know why I have such a hard time keeping a straight face in serious situations. I kept laughing, and it made it look like I wasn't taking it seriously. It really just seemed like they weren't taking me seriously. Every time I would say something, they would all get silent and just.. stare at me. I can't think of one thing I said where I actually got a good response. It was ridiculous and I felt like I wasn't being heard, at all.

My attendance for this year is 80%
Which means I've basically missed 1 or 2 days out of every week this year. I can't do that anymore. A lot of questions were asked during the meeting. A lot of questions that I've sort of been ignoring.

"What do you plan to do after High School?"
"Where do you plan on going for college?"
"What are you planning on studying?"
"Do you realize you need to double up on math?"

"What are your plans?"

Plans. Plans. Plans.

I have no plans.
I have no idea what my future is going to be like..

I really need to step up. Surprisingly my dad isn't even punishing me. Even after finding out about my flaky attendance, and lack of effort in my classes. He didn't take away anything from me. I guess he has faith in me. The thing is, while I was in the meeting I really felt motivated, and I told them that I'm really ready to change my ways. But I guess I was lying to them and myself, because already, I've lost whatever inspiration I had at that point. I'm worried I'm already tied down with these bad study habits..

My horoscope today,
"It seems natural for you to think in grand terms about your future now, yet this doesn't mean that your head is off in the clouds. To the contrary, your reasoning is probably quite sound if your feet remain firmly planted on the ground. Try to take it in stride if someone seems resistant or even combative to your plans. Instead of engaging in a public scuffle, just act intelligently to further your own point of view."

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What goes around comes back around

I know it sounds extremely tacky, but if my life were a movie, everytime I see you it would be the scene where everything goes into slow motion and the intense music comes in. I get that nervous feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to race. It sounds like the way people describe what it feels like when you see someone you love, but the funny thing about that is it's the complete opposite feeling. It's actually really ridiculous. I don't wanna feel like this all the time. I don't wanna have to change the route I take to class just so I don't have to run into you. I avoid any conflict lately.

Is peace between us really too much to ask for?
To be honest, I'm over it. I get over shit fast but I don't forget it.
I feel like this is the way to handle the situation if we were 13.
I feel like these blank stares and nervous feelings are a waste of energy.

I know we can't just put this behind us like it happened a long time ago, but there's also no point to carry it on like it's the end of the world. But sure.. go ahead.. keep doing what you're doing I guess if that's what works best for you. But I'm done. You can keep your hatered close, but I'd rather not. I'm too happy of a person to deal with these kinds of things.
I don't waste my time on these kind of things.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I need you here

"Fuck, this hurts so much.."
"Yeah, I know. But that is life. If nothing else, that's life, you know? Its real, and sometimes it hurts, but it's sort of all we have.."

"How are you feeling?"
"Safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home."

The whole time I was watching Garden State I was thinking about you, and what we have, and about where we're going. I really feel so happy. Being with you friday was so nice. Even if it was just for a couple hours. After the movie was over tonight, you texted me and told me how you're losing feelings and starting to question what we have.

I don't want to lose you.
Why throw away feelings we don't need to throw away just because we're unsure of what the other one feels.

You mean so much to me and I'm not giving you up.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I know that you can hear this

I never thought I'd ever hear Caitlin tell me to fuck off.
I never thought I'd ever hear Ramsey tell me to burn in hell.
And I never thought Chelsea would betray my like she did.

I really wish I didn't care so fucking much. I wish I would of just stayed out of it and let them go on telling their lies, and faking to get by. It's the worst feeling being accused of lying when I'm actually telling the truth. I told Ramsey what I told him because I still consider him one of my best friends. I consider Caitlin one too. Or at least I did.

Chelsea was my main source. She was the one that really confirmed that what I was hearing was true. And the fact that she's denying it now makes me feel so.. empty. I think Ramsey knows I'm telling the truth but he doesn't want to believe it. I understand why it would be hard to believe.

I have so much anger towards Caitlin right now. But still no hate. I still think it's sick and messed up how I can have such strong negative feelings towards her, and still miss her. But I guess that's normal.

I never meant to hurt anybody or ruin anything. You act like I get some sick enjoyment out of this. You say, "Stay out of my fucking business. Why are you doing this?"

It was probably the worst day I've had all through out high school.
I don't think I can really trust anyone anymore. I haven't talked to Caitlin and Ramsey basically all of October. And for some reason just talking to them on the phone felt good to me, being able to say every little thing I've been holding in for months. Even though hearing them cry, and yelling "Fuck you" to me was really hard to hear.

I hate how I want to say sorry when there's nothing to be fucking sorry for.
Please.. Don't turn this around on me, Caitlin. You're starting to believe your own lies and that is a destructive and scary habit. You're getting lost with in yourself. I wish I had some proof. Some solid proof that I'm right about all of this. So you could all just stop accusing me of making it up.

But I thought hearing from your best friend was enough proof.
Because after all, why would anybody make any of this shit up?

"Wake up and face me, don’t play dead, cause maybe,
Someday I’ll walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Too much

It's really annoying how there's tons of guys at my school that talk about you. And probably tons of guys at your school too. And how people ask you who you like, you say me, and they say something bad about me.

Every time you upload a picture, you get a chain of guys saying something like,

"You look reeeally good"
or "You're hot"

There's always someone being a creep towards you, and it bothers me.
And sometimes it's even my own friends.

Guys ask you questions like,
"What kind of guys are you into?"

I've always liked competition. Just because it motivates me to be better in everything I do. And I always have this thing of trying to be the best. But right now, I just don't want to deal with it, hear what they have to say to you, or hear what they have to say about me.

The more and more they talk to you, the more and more I feel like I don't deserve you. Like you're too good for me. And really, we only accept the love that we think we deserve.

Am I holding you back from choosing from all those other guys?
Do they even really want you for what you are?
Do I really deserve you?

I need constant reasuurance and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Forgive.. Or forget?

I'm pissed about this whole situation.

You know I like her a lot, but you ignored that fact and only thought of yourself. You have your own thing going for you. Why do you need more than one relationship? Do you know how to be independent.. at all? You probably never thought I'd see those text messages. And if I never did see those text messages, I know for a fact you guys would still be continuing whatever you both had. Those "left over feelings"

I feel like a pushover. I wanna forgive you, but at the same time I don't even want to even talk to you anymore. I'd rather just not deal with you. You lie too much and make too much shit complicated. I'm not saying I don't do the same thing sometimes, but I feel like you drag it out to an extent. Sure, do that to whoever else. But you don't do that to your good friends. You don't do that to the people you care about.

I think you're getting a little bit too comfortable with us and you're starting to think you can do whatever you want, and say whatever you want, and you suspect we won't find out..

To tell the truth, when I told you to leave Avietas house last night, I really didn't feel guilty. I didn't even care about the fact that you had no where to go, or the fact that it was freezing cold out. It's not like me to do something like that. I'm not use to being thrown into super frustrating or dramatic situations because usually, I really don't give a damn. But I was really pissed last night.

Every one's telling me eventually I'll forgive you, but I really don't know.
I don't want you to think you can walk all over me, and I don't want you to think that I'll forgive you for stupid shit you do over and over again.

I don't just hand out my trust to anyone, and I'm really not somebody you want to screw over.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

You won't know

I had a really good weekend. Is it even possible to explain how happy I am?

My dad was right. It really is sad how we're both happier when we're away from each other. This weekend really made me realize how much I love my step mom. I had a crazy night on Friday and I was out until 4:00 in the morning. We showed up at my house, called Susan and asked her to come unlock the door. And then, "Hey. Sorry, but could Bryant and Andrew stay the night?"

She didn't even hesitate. She said yes immediately and that's something my dad would never do. If I did something like that with my dad there, he would ground me for months. The next morning she was still in a good mood. She didn't say yes to them spending the night because she was half asleep, she said yes because she really didn't care.

My dad comes home tomorrow night. And I don't know if I should feel excited or not.
I've talked to him a couple times on the phone this week and the conversation was really.. dull.. Like he was only calling because he thought he should.

I'm not really sure how he feels about coming home, either.

Breathing Space

I don't know why you're throwing away everything you have, for us.

"It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything"
Is that it?

I really wish that you would stop telling me how good of a friend I am.
I just hope you're not dissapointed when you realize that I'm not someone you can depend on.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'll admit it

Every time that I'm in the library, and you're sitting at the same table with all of our mutual friends, I always have the urge to say something to you. But I know exactly what would happen if I said anything. Everyone would get quiet, you'd probably get quiet, and it would probably be really uncomfortable.

Yeah yeah yeah
"I thought you hated him?"

That's old news. I'm over it. You should be too.
We're actually still a lot alike, in my opinion.
It's weird how you change the way you act whenever I come around, though. And you won't make eye contact with me. You pretend I'm not there. You're really not fooling anybody..

On another subject, I don't know how to feel about Jacob going to South. I still don't know exactly why we stopped being friends. I miss being at his house every weekend, just hanging out at the house with him and Stephanie, going to Red Robbins with them, all of that. His house basically became a house for me too. I guess Sheldon is the main source of his stress (according to him) But I think he's probably stressed at home too. Steph moved out, his parents are always gone, and last I remembered his parents weren't doing good.

Hopefully he knows I'm still here for him.
I know he's not a terrible person and he has good intentions.
I guess I'm a pushover since I heard all of the things he's said about me. But I still don't care. I still know he enjoyed our friendship just as much as I did. And I really don't think he meant most of the things he said.

I hope you find some stability, Jacob. And hope you figure somethings out.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Until next tuesday?

Its weird posting on my phone, but the movie Cabrerra is playing right now is really not holding my attention. I always have a hard time paying attention in this class.

I'm just waiting for this period to be over. I'm going to lunch with Bryant and Avieta. They talked last night and worked things out, thank god. I feel like I can actually calm down now. I can stop worrying.

My dad should be on his way to the airport right now.. He's going on a trip with his brothers and won't be back until next tuesday, which means at home it'll just be me and susan.. Really not looking forward to that. What makes this situation ten times worse is that me and my dad have been fighting ever since last night. This morning we said things we shouldn't of said when he dropped me off at school. All I have from him is a text he just sent, "I can't even talk to you anymore. You attack me after every word I say. I'm actually excited to get away for a while. Sad, isn't it?"

Maybe this time away will be good for us.
I don't even know. But he deserves better than how I treat him.

Monday, November 3, 2008

To bear to hear the truths that you were spoken

I don't know what to say.
Everything that happened over the weekend has really fucked things up.

Where do I even start?
I'm sick of having this anxious feeling all the time. I no longer blame it on the amount of coffee I've been drinking lately, even though caffeine does do that to me. I'm just waiting for some closure, and waiting for everything to fall together again.

The fact that Avieta and Bryant aren't friends anymore is really hard for me to face.
Why is it that every group of friends I have falls apart somehow? Every single time. It's terrible that I can't hang out with both of them at the same time anymore. The fact that they were talking to me about it like it doesn't effect me is what upsets me the most. They would say things like, "Yeah we're not friends. Oh well. Shit happens. I'm over it."

As selfish as this sounds, did you ever think about how it's hard for me now?
I guess I always try and keep my friends together for my benefits. I loved spending time with both of you, and loved the places we'd go, the things we'd do. Now I have to separate the plans, separate you both into separate days in the weekend.

Why is it that I can never feel secure with my friends anymore?
Every new person that comes around I just see as temporary. I feel like I'm temporary. Do I hold any significance to anybody.. at all?

'I used to be such a burning example. I used to be so original.
I used to care I was being careful. Made sure I showed it to those that I loved.
I used to sleep without a single stir. Cause I was about my fathers work.

I was the glue that kept my friends together, now they don't talk, and we don't go out'

'Take all that you have
and turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans'