Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You know that I could use somebody

Thank you for proving to me that waiting and giving out more than two chances was worth it. Thank you for not listening to what other people said and for making me such a happier person. And for coming to my house and staying with me until two hours before we had to wake up for school. For showing me how comfortable we are around each other. For sharing headphones and loving all the music I do. For bringing me Japanese candy. For falling asleep with me, for ignoring the time with me, for staying an hour longer than we planned.

I really love you.

Monday, April 27, 2009

"I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go."

Tonight when you said you wanted me to come pick you up so we could talk, it made me miss you even more. I hope that whatever you chose to do, you are happy. And I don't say that sarcastically. Just please don't put me on hold any longer.

"And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery"

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Until you make it

You're always on the verge of hating everyone you "love"
I'm always on the verge of leaving

I've never met someone who was always so angry,
there is never a time where you are not upset about something

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Remember more than youd like to forget

No matter what, a best friend doesn't do that to another best friend. For eight months I was so sure that she was really going to work out. I've never looked forward to summer so much. I've never stuck around with someone for so long when I got nothing in return. And I still can't consider it a waste of time. Because screw that, if someone was a waste of time, I wouldn't keep them around for so long.

One thing I'll keep in mind is the time when she wrote
"I always get these small crushes, and end up getting disappointed. I always find something wrong in other guys. I say, Michael would of laughed at that joke. Or, Michael would of understood what I meant." And then she said, "Then I realized the one thing that was wrong with all the other guys, they're not you."

And I hope she keeps in mind everything we talked about.
It's so hard for me to be like this, but you're the one that messed it all up. All day today, when everyone I talked to was calling you a bitch, I still couldn't call you it. I couldn't say the same. I still care too fucking much about you and I hate it. I wish you knew how much I really loved you and how happy I wanted you to be. I never got the chance to show you how much I was willing to do for you.
But I'll give you a round of applause. Thank you for testing my strengths and messing with my head. Thank you for leading me on to so much and letting me down as hard as you can. I really had such a good understanding for every little thing you said to me. I don't take back anything I said to you. Good or bad. You have no self esteem, and I know you know there's more to life, and I know you hate that you don't get to experince it. I know you just want one thing, to be simple. And I know I was never that for you, even though I tried so hard to be. I'm sorry that I won't be there to experience anything else with you. To be there with you for all the things you missed out on. Even being just friends would be so hard for me when I see you with him.

I hope your quick decision, was a good one.
You're fooled so easily. I hate seeing you like that. I really thought you were smarter than that. All I can do really is sit back and watch what you're trying to build get destroyed. As I move on with my life.

I hate you, Andrew. For screwing me over when all I did was take care of your situations. I would go against my best friend anytime she said anything about you. I took care of your drunk ass when you drank so much and were basically on the verge of dying because of the medication you took. I didn't kick you out of the car when you were throwing up out the window. I wouldn't bring up my problems because I knew all you wanted to talk about was yours. I stood up for you because you were such a pushover and had no self respect. And then you fuss and complain, "Oh I was treated so terribly." and "Oh, I went through so much.. Feel my pain.." You let it all happen to yourself. If there's one thing I realized with you while getting to know you is every single problem you had, you brought upon yourself. You were a good friend, but you were/are so selfish. Of course this isn't what I wanted. Of course I didn't want both of you to fuck up my trust. But it happened. And the only thing I know how to do now is leave you both in my past and completely stay away from two people that I thought I could really trust. Two people that I really cared about.

It's really hard from switching from love to hate when it's not what I wanted.
As much as you'll deny it, I've grown to know both of you so much that I know exactly what's going through your heads right now. You really love doing people wrong and I mean that. You really do. You say "I'm such an ass hole." and "I'm such a terrible person." As if it's your best quality. I'd say your best quality is being unstable and controlled. You adjusted your personality for every girl that you came across. I couldn't help but laugh at you when you'd listen to songs in thai, when you didn't even understand what they were saying. You still loved it. Just because the girl you liked did. Oh.. I could come up with so many examples. I wonder what that'd feel like. You know, being a puppet and all to everyone around you. You drop all of your opinions, beliefs, morals, likes, and dislikes and give the girl what they want. You are so programmed..

When the fuck will anyone prove to me that they are, what they say they are.

Give me something real.
Give me something that lasts.
Give me a break..

Monday, April 20, 2009

I've become artificial

I cannot make myself number one all of the time.
I will never get what I want, but I usually get something better anyways. And even if I get nothing at all, I learn something. At this age, and in this world, you really have to have a high tolerance for bullshit and a high tolerance for getting the opposite of what you want.

Of course it gets really old accepting things I don't want to accept. But what else can you do? If I tried to force anything, like I've been doing for the past couple months, it wouldn't be real.

Of course I'm not over it.
But I need to be.
This time, hearing that it's done and over. I really need to let it be done and over. Forget about your feelings, forget about what you want, forget about how real it feels. You can go for such a long time thinking somebody else feels exactly the same as you do and get proved wrong in the end. The feeling isn't always mutual. Forget about how good it was, how bad it was. How good it would of been. Routine sometimes is nice. I took comfort, and got too comfortable. Words can be so fucking powerful sometimes. Words took over me more than I ever wanted them to. Actions always show the truth. Forget about how bad you want it, because it doesn't change anything. When things get torn away from you, let them get torn away. And maybe someday get it thrown back. All you can do really is keep trusting people, and see what it does for you each time. You have all the control over yourself but none over anyone else.

So I'll use that control to put it in the past.
I don't want to the person who carries around stories of things that have happened to me, anymore.

"You have to keep recycling your self."

You have to keep adapting.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just get back up when it knocks you down

Things are better than they have ever been before. And I really mean that. Before, I'd always talk about how much I wanted change, and how many things I wanted to change. Before, I had nothing to prove. I had nothing to back up what I said. But I really do now.

There is an endless list of things that I want to happen, and things that are going to happen with in the next three months, and I love having so much to look forward to. Every day. There is always something to look ahead at.
While I'm working I think about how nice it's going to be when I get home, and I just start working harder. When I get home I get all my papers done, because I know it's going to feel good turning it in the next day.

I went to dinner tonight with Erick, Bryant, Avieta, and Syd. And right afterwards went to work. It's my first job, and I love it. I love this week so much. Every day has felt like a Friday and tonight so much happened that I am more than happy about. Tonight I got my first pay check. Tonight my good grades came in the mail. Tonight I got a message that I've been waiting to get for the past five months. And now I have the night to lay on the couch in the basement with blankets and food, study, and watch movies until I pass out. And tomorrow, breakfast with everbody before first period. I love having this feeling of back up. And knowing I always have something, or someone to fall back on. I haven't felt like this for a while.

This is what I wanted. That real, genuine happiness.
And man, it comes at you fast sometimes.
I'm growing into a more independent, happy person.
And I'm loving every second of this wonderful, hectic, life.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I have been here before

Nothing is ever natural or genuine anymore.

I just don't want happiness to be something that I have to fight for.
Half of my head is always trying to think positive.
And that half of my head is just pissing me off lately.

I miss the still of the silence

I want to go back to all of the times that I let go of what I had because I was unsure of what I wanted, I was never willing to push through for what needed to be held on to. Oh, if only I could show each one of you how much I've grown. How amazing of a person I've become..

It was hard sitting a couple feet away from you guys yesterday
And it's still hard seeing you guys every day
I know that forgetting is what's best, but it's a really hard thing to do

There are so many people that I miss having around

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Like a haunting melody

More than anything, I just want something, just one thing to be what it's made up to be. Give me something that is actually what it looks like it is. Because I keep looking at everything around me lately and realizing the things I build up to be what I really want, end up turning into something so different. I'm really sick of having to dig so deep into everyone and everything to get a small ounce of answers. It's always little things that should be straight forward, and should be easy to figure out, that take all of my energy. Things that can be easily solved or avoided. I'm constantly asking myself, and everyone around me,
"Why does this need to be made into a problem?"
Why can't we all just pick and chose what we let get to our head?
And what we react to.

Everybody keeps contradicting the things I believe.
I keep finding things that prove to me, as much as I think I have things figured out, I can be so clueless sometimes.. And I'm starting to feel like I have so much control over myself, but none over everyone else.

I've been having a lot of mixed thoughts this week.
Just about everyone I know, comes to me with their problems. I consider that my gift, but I also see it as my curse.

Sometimes I just want to feel appreciated. And really appreciated.
Get the credit I deserve. Give myself more credit.
I guess I just have a hard time giving advice and watching people follow it oppositely. I know that people have to do things on their own, make their own decisions, their own mistakes. But at least keep in mind the things that were talked about with me. I just don't want my words to go to waste.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I will never one, two, three, forget

I remember once, Justin told me he didn't understand why people would get upset when they'd assume someone is using them. And he said, he doesn't care if people use him. When I asked him to explain he said "Because, who ever is using me, is using me because in some way, I'm an advantage towards them." He said, "We're all using eachother for our own advantages." And that makes sense. "As long as I'm needed by them in some way, then I'm okay. And when we lose friends, it's because we ran out of things to give."

Despite what we call it, love, friendship, whatever, we're all just using each other. And that's not a bad thing. People use you for their benefits. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways. You bring something into their life. They need you for some reason. And obviously, they give you advantages, otherwise you wouldn't keep them around.

He said, "I say it's okay to use me because, who doesn't want to be needed?"

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

And your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine

Dad, don't you see I'm too happy to react right now?
I just got hired. For my first job. This is all you've wanted from me, all year.
I could feel how proud everyone was. Except for you.
I'm so happy with myself. I tried so hard to get hired. It paid off.

When we're not even talking, you start conversation with me to bring up what punishments you came up with for me. When there's not tension, you make some.
When you don't know what to be mad at, you turn to me.

Things have been perfect ever since spring break. And I wanna keep it like that. So I'm not going to react. You're not going to disrupt the positive thinking I've had going on, because that's all that keeps me motivated. It's been putting so many things together in my life. And I know, for sure, it is making me a better, happier, stronger, smarter person.

Me and you.
We're funny.
You take, and I give.
You give, and I take.
We yell, but we love.
I lie, you deny. We forgive, and we forget.

This has become such a cycle. How could I not treat it normally?
I accept your punishments. I didn't before. I do now.
If this is what you have to do, this is what you have to do.

Tonight I handed him all the things he decided to take away, including my car keys,
and asked, "Anything else?"