Thursday, December 27, 2007

I won't I can't I won't I can't

It's funny how it's sort of becoming a trend for people to tell me to 'grow up' when I get in a fight with them. The funny thing is, I don't want to 'grow up' I'm fifteen years old. I don't need to grow up. Or act grown up. Or pretend to be super mature. I'm so damn young. I might as well enjoy it. Ha! I won't change, or 'grow up' for anybody.

I just found that picture on my computer. I like it. Just thought I'd share that..

I woke up around nine because I had a physical. SO my dad took me there. They told me how I'm healthy. And I got two shots. And they hurt like hell. And my arm has been sore all day. And it's supposed to hurt worse tomorrow. Joy! And THEN. I argued with my dad. Hell, I don't even remember why. But it seems to happen a lot lately. I went home, changed, then want to the mall with Caitlin, Danielle, Tyler, and Chelsea. It was so much fun. I wasted more money. On fierce cologne, and this long sleve gray shirt. Yesterday I bought those black vans with the laces. Yeah everyone has those. None of this important. I wonder if anyone is still reading.


I'm in such a good mood

I have a lot of self confidence lately. And I really like it.
I love myself right now. I don't care how terrible that sounds. I love the person that I am.

Twenty people

I know I usually make each one about a couple paragraphs long but I'm really gonna try to make these ones short and simple so you don't have to read so much to find which one is you.

Gonna start writing in this thing about every day again. I've been lazzzzy.

1) We don't really talk anymore, or hangout. Probably because it's way too hard to get a hold of you. I would call or text you but you never answer your phone. SO it would be pointless

2) You told me that some of the things I do affect you so much, and that you really care about me as a person. And I bring up the fact that I am slowly changing. But it doesn't feel like you really care. And it seems like I'm the only person who's putting effort into this friendship. I'm the only one who always asks to hangout and none of the times it's even happened. All I'm saying is, don't tell me you really would like it if I changed, and that you'd like to be friends again, if you're not gonna try for the friendship. Because I was really excited to start hanging out again. And last time we did hangout you were sorta distant. (OOPS I DID A PARAGRAPH ONE)

3) You're the greatest friend on this planet (papa) I just gave it all away there. I'm so happy that we're friends. I'm so grateful for you. I love being able to say that you're one of my best friends. You're such a great person, and we're so much alike, and you care so much for me. I love you to death.

4) We hadn't talked for about two years, and then finally the other day we hung out. And it was so much fun. I still consider you 'my best friend' I hope you know that. I really wish you lived in Eugene though.

5) You're stupid. I sort of said enough about you though in my last post. I would just like to point out again that not everyone will love you and you really need to establish that.

6) I really miss the fun we used to have. You seem to always be busy now and I know it's not your fault. But, you don't have much time left here. And I really think we all need to make the best of it. I'm gonna be really sad when you leave America.

7) We don't hangout anymore either. It seems like every time I try to make plans with you, it never really follows through. That's all I really have to say to you. Because I really haven't talked or hung out with you for a while. It's weird. Because for a while I was at your house every weekend. It would be nice if we could start hanging out again. And it'd be nice if you actually asked me to hangout every once in a while. It seems like I'm the one who's always asking. But it's always been like that.

8) You're the greatest. Really, nobody is as much fun as you are. I can't believe how incredibly alike we have become. Really, you are the most loyal + trusting person I know. Honestly.

9) We don't really hangout much anymore. WTF saying that is getting really old. I guess a lot of people haven't been able to hangout this winter break. But anyways, I think you were starting to get mad at me for a while. I don't know! We went to the mall the other day and it was fun. But, it would be nice if we could hangout as much as we used to.

10) We never talk. At all. I texted you the other day and said "we need to do something soon. it's been a while" and you didn't say anything back. we used to do something just about every day. Okay, every weekend. I hope you don't think I don't wanna be friends with you anymore. Because I still do.

11) You're always fun to hangout with. And we don't hangout ALL the time like we used to so we don't get angry with each other anymore. It's fun though every time we go downtown, or go to your house. You're always fun to hangout with because you're always up for anything. You need to get your phone back. I've wanted to hangout this winter break and it's hard to get a hold of you.

12) I love you.. and boats. I would really like to hangout more.

13) Eh, you're annoying. Still. That's really all I have to say. I have zero emotions towards you anymore. And I really like it.

14) YOU'RE GREAT. You, Caitlin, and I have became such a good and fun group. I'm so thankful that I met you.

15) You're really fun to be around. And you're probably the greatest friend I have to talk with about everything. I feel like I haven't been a good enough friend to you this past month and I'm sorry. I'm workin' on it. Now come back home from Canada. Whoops, gave it all away.

16) I remember the days when I used to hangout with you a lot. And everybody else. And it really was fun. And this is going to sound ridiculous. But, I'm starting to wonder if the only reason you hung out with me was to meet her. Since you liked her, and you guys went out and all. Ever since the break up with her you completely stopped talking to me. Just a thought.

17) I'd like to become better friends with you. You were fun to hangout with last winter break. You've always been fun to hangout with. AND I REALLY LIKE YOUR HOUSE.

18) You're so cool. I really like you. That sounds weird. But, I mean as a person. You're just fun to be around. You laugh easily, at everything actually. You listen. And you care. I would really like to become better friends with you again.

19) It's weird how you just stopped talking to me completely. Probably because I'm "too emotional" the days when we used to hangout were the best days I've had in these two years of high school. Driving around in your car with everybody on the weekends. And when we'd all go to your house for lunch. I don't know. I guess we'll probably hangout in the future?

20) I still really look up to you. Always have.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Not everyone will love you

I really need to get this out!

Last night I got these comments. And I don't want to name any names even though half of you will know who I'm talking about. But anyways. The person was confronting me about me not liking her, and her getting mad because I "talked shit" about her. And she said if I don't like her I should have a reason. And honestly, I don't even know her. She goes to my school, yeah. But I mean, we're not friends or anything. We've never even talked before.

This isn't a blog where I'm just trying to talk bad about her. It's just, the fight we had REALLY made me realize something stupid that we all do.

OKAY! As I was saying. She was mad because I "talked shit" about her, and her sister. I think we cleared up the whole sister thing. And then she goes "Well, you still talked shit about me. And I don't like that. You say you don't like me, you don't even know me. You might wanna watch what you say in the future" blah blah blah.

God damn it. Haven't we all "talked shit" before. Is it really that big of a deal? Should she REALLY care about my opinion towards her. I mean, I don't really care what people think of me. Especially people I don't even know. She said I need a reason for why I don't like her. I don't have a reason! Too be perfectly honest, I'm judging her. Maybe she really is a nice person. But I mean, I guess from what I thought of her I just said "I don't like her"

I mean, think about it. Don't we do that ALL the time. "Oh I don't like him/her!" I mean really, I hear that at least 21943124932 times a day from so many different people. It's kind of human to judge people. EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULDN'T, we do it. And it's hard to stop, and it's a really bad habit, but we all do it every once in a while. I guess the whole argument with her just bugged me because it was so hypocritical of her.

I guess what I'm trying to get through to everybody is, you really should not care about what I have to say about you. There's many people I don't like. Many of them I have reasons for, and many of them I'm just judging off what I know about them. And I know I shouldn't do that but that's JUST THE WAY I AM. Not everyone is going to love you. And I'm 100% fine with that. They don't matter anyway. And they shouldn't matter to you either! Just care about the people that care about you.

Just keep this in mind, okay?

Post commentzzzz if you have anything to say

Monday, December 17, 2007


I'm looking through notes from 8th grade and I came across this one. Awh.. haha

"Michael, I just want to say thank you. I can always talk to you about anything; and you're a great listener. You have such an incredible heart, you're really the greatest person out there. And a lof of people that that for granted sometimes. I've known you for so long. And for a few years we were best friends. Life is always (always is underlined) always good when you and I are friends. Period. I love you with all my heart. I know we may fight sometimes; but I just wanted to let you know that I love you so much!"


I'm really done with this asshole personality I've had lately. I think. I can't make any promises. Because every other day I seem to be in a bad mood. I can't really help it.

But honestly. I'm starting to find inspiration in things again lately. I really wish I could stop jumping back and fourth from all this different ways of living, and I wish I could keep up with my own moods. But, I really can't. I AM officially the most difficult person on this planet. You all are probably getting so tired of my blogs because I'm always saying the same things, going through the same things, talking about the same things. I know it gets old. It gets old for me too.

I need a little bit of change.

I don't know. I feel like I'm gonna have a lot more to write tonight because I just can't seem to express what I'm trying to say.

It's funny. I noticed when I hardly get any sleep, for the next few days I'm very tired, uninspired, lazy, cranky. Which is normal. But when I do get sleep like I did last night, the day is a little bit more clear. And I can actually achieve what I try to do. No matter how much sleep I get I still can never quite verbalize what I'm trying to say. Ha! That'll never change. I was trying to talk to my mom today, and she asked how I was doing and I couldn't even put it all into words.

Lets just leave it as, I feel inspired to do great things again.
Yeah, that about sums it up. Oh! And the sleep is really helping.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

100th post

Wow. One hundred posts on here now. Insane. I don't really write much lately though. I've been too lazy or busy or whatever. So this will be a big update.

I'm really weird lately. I'm so.. not motivated. So uninspired. Just lazy. I really am not trying for anything. I'm not thinking about anything. I have no plans. I'm just going through the days being, well, lazy. I don't really know how else to explain it. Maybe this is just myself telling myself I need a break. A break from caring so much, and thinking so much, a break from routine, and just a time to relax a little bit.

Joseph spent the night last night. It was fun. And funny. And I feel so sick today. I didn't go anywhere or do anything. I usually don't on Sundays. Yesterday was so much fun though. I started the day real early. I went to Josephs house around nine. And we hungout, we went downtown, we played guitar hero at his house like we always do, and then I went to his indoor soccer game. I sat by Isacc at the game. We were laughing so hard the whole time. Especially at this lady in the crowd that kept making these bird calls. Anyways then we went back to Josephs house again. Went to valley river and saw "I am Legend" with Cammisha and all her friends. It was fun. I really liked the movie too. I recomend you see it.

I'm still in the whole 'EVERY ONES ANNOYING' mood
I think that's starting to push people away from me since I'm always getting so easily annoyed and being an asshole and such. Just a phase. Calm down. I'm trying to change it. Like I said, I'm just weird lately. I think things will start to improve after Christmas, or during winter break. Oh that reminds me! We put up Christmas lights today. We're getting our tree tomorrow. Susan made such good chocolate cookies with powdered sugar on top. They're heaven. I'm gonna go get some more, and a glass of milk.

It's 7:00 and I already wanna go to bed.
I haven't talked to my mom for a while. It's really weird.
OH AND NOTE TO SELF: I should probably start going to class and focusing. Grades should be here soon. I know I could of done better.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Destroying our friendship and letting it all fall apart was probably the most stupid thing I've ever done. I'm sick of hearing people say I never cared about our friendship. I did. I just couldn't make the change for you. Because I'm stupid stupid stupid and it's far too late to get it back. I'm so sorry. You never deserved the way I was. I'm SO sorry if you feel abandoned. I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend you needed. I'm sorry that I let you down.

Wtf. I mess everything up.
And this isn't me being "emotional" this is me admitting my faults.

Anyway, today was okay. I think I can sum up this week as not that great. The mall was fun with Cammish though. I got some Christmas shopping done. I talked to my mom. And that's about the only good thing that happened. Oh, fourth period was fun with Chelsea and Stefan.

I really miss fourth period with Caitlin and Chelsea. I miss our group..

Lolz at my new picture.
Okay I guess it's time for me to go to bed.
I bought a new beenie today. I'm not gonna wear it tomorrow though. Or maybe I will. I don't know. Goodnight!

Monday, December 10, 2007


I really haven't posted on here in a long time ever since I took the link off my page. Once again, my horoscope about today is so right. I've been really upset about this weekend, and about how everyone keeps bringing up embarrassing stories from this weekend, and how I got everyone pissed off at me. And I was thinking today how "wow I screwed everything up. I really think it's time to make some god damn change." and I kept thinking how I'm drawing conclusions too quickly, and how I keep saying "this week is going to suck, because this weekend sucked" is ridiculous. I keep worrying every one's going to be annoyed with me for SO long because of what I did this weekend. And I keep thinking it's time I get back on track. I'm not saying NO MORE FUN. Wtf. Rambling now. I'm just saying, I need to learn how to limit myself. I'll leave it at that.

So anyways, back to my horoscope. I always read it at the end of the day. Everything it says fits together with what I typed above. I was actually shocked how much it tied in with all the thoughts I processed today.

"You like knowing what's real, yet new information may come to your attention today that makes you wonder if you are on the right track. Your resistance to change can turn into rigidity, but this really won't be a sensible strategy -- especially if your original conclusion was wrong. Being open to change won't solve the underlying problem, but it can make your day easier and more pleasant."

An asshole at our school hit me with his car today in the parking lot. On purpose. Hah! I really can't stand SO many people lately. Everyone was pissing me off. The only people I actually talked to today were Cameron, Tasha, and Cammisha.

Maybe I'm doing that thing again where I get annoyed too easily. But I don't know. I always get like this in December. I become the biggest asshole. WHATEVER
I'm going to bed. I wanna just sleep in tomorrow. I'm actually considering it. But then again, first period was fun today just hanging out in Cameron's van. Maybe I'll come for that.


Thursday, November 29, 2007


Time for more spill outs

  • I really hate the weather. It's slowly starting to bring down my mood. And it's making everybody all pissy and depressed. It's really annoying.

  • I really like the song shoreline. It inspires me to do something great.

  • People just don't seem to be motivating me lately. Which is unusual.

  • Tomorrow's the last day of November

  • I really can't stop thinking about how much is going to crash down December + January

  • I don't think this blog is doing anything except make me think more, and make me feel even more stressed.

  • But I'm still writing because when I need to spill everything out, this is where e I do it.

  • This week went by so slowly. For so long the weeks were going by fast. Now they're just getting really, really, long.

  • I'm always in pissy moods during the week days. And I'm the happiest person on the planet during the weekends.

  • My dad told me tonight I think too much. I told him I agree.

  • My mom told me tonight that she's doing good. And that makes me feel good.

  • My brother told us tonight he wants to get his life back on track. And I really think he means it.

  • I need to give Mackenzie her book back. Or buy her a new one since I completely ruined the cover. I feel bad.

  • I WANT TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHY NEXT SEMESTER. I went into that classroom. It's so laid back. So cool.

  • I'm supposed to hangout with some old friends this weekend. It'll be so great. And all my other plans sound gooood.

  • Then the weekend after this weekend, family party in Portland. So pumped up.

  • No homework tonight. Finished it all in class. Thank god.

  • I hate going anywhere for lunch, or first period now since it's so cold. I prefer just staying in the library with the whole group there.

  • I love hanging out with everyone in the library. Even if the librarians a bitch.

  • Go Rayven for making a petition to get her out of this school!

  • I keep getting text messages and I don't even wanna read them tonight

  • Every thing's bugging me. Susan talking so loud. My room being messy. The fact that I'm always so tired lately. How lately I always shake. Actually, it's been like that forever. I always shake for some reason. I can't keep my hands still right now. It's annoying. My dad says it's because of my poor diet.

  • Caitlin and I are falling behind in Advanced TV

  • I'm almost to my hundredth post on here.

  • I'm gonna clean my room now.
  • Tuesday, November 27, 2007

    I love third period

    Multicultural studies is by far the best class I've taken so far in high school.

    Really. It's so interesting. Today we did this thing called the spirit walk. Where we all stand in one big group and Jose (the teacher) calls out certain things such as "If you play a musical instrument. Step forward" and if the thing he calls out applies to you, you step forward and turn around and look at all of your class.

    He called all these different things.
    "If you have somebody in your family that's an alcoholic step forward"
    "If you've lost somebody important to you"
    "If you've been treated with racism"

    And then

    "If you've ever been mistreated, humiliated, or betrayed by somebody at Sheldon high school. Step forward."

    I think everybody except for about five people stepped forward for that one. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if those five people were being honest. Maybe they were. I don't know. Not like it's important.

    Then after he ran out of things to call out, Jose asked us if we have any other ideas of things to call out. And a few people named some things, and some people stepped forward. And you just learn a lot about everyone in the class. And it breaks a lot of stereotypes that I've thrown on people in there.

    After the spirit walk we all talked about what we thought of it as a class. And it was really interesting to hear what everybody had to say. There's this blind girl named Jessica in our class. And I swear, even though she can't see, she's the happiest person on this planet. Jose asked her what she thought about this activity. And she said

    "You just learn a lot about people. And you learn that people put up with the same things that you put up with. And even though I can't see. I could hear and feel everybody walking forward with me when you asked who has been mistreated at Sheldon High School at least ONCE. And it's really nice to know that I'm not alone. Because I've been feeling that a lot lately."

    I think Jose's eyes started watering up on that one.

    I swear that class is making my views towards everything even stronger.

    Sunday, November 25, 2007

    Dreams of limping & crawling

    So the past two nights I've had these dreams where I keep trying to get somewhere and I can't because it hurts to walk. So I start limping. Then it hurts so much when I'm limping so I start crawling and that hurts too. And it happens in stages. And it was like that for so much of the dream. Me just limping and crawling to get somewhere. Since I had the dreams two nights in a row I looked up what it means

    Uh and surprisingly it's all true.

    Trouble Walking

    To dream that you have difficulties walking, indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences. The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing.


    To dream that you are limping, refers to a lack of balance in some relationship in your life. You feel that the relationship is one-sided. Perhaps you feel that you are giving more than you are getting back or vice-versa.


    To dream that you are crawling, indicates that you are approaching your goals with careful forethought and preparation. Alternatively, you may be lowering yourself and your standards. You may be doing less than your best.

    Sunday, November 18, 2007

    Changing + growing

    "No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."

    Now I'm really gonna try to make this blog short and simple. But I don't know if I'll be able to. Here we go.

    "Change" it seems to be the only thing that's on my mind lately. Really. I really can't believe how much has changed, how much I've changed, and how much my life has transformed into a complete new one over one term of the year. It's so much, it's kind of scary. I like this change though. For once, I feel like everything is right. I can actually say I'm really happy. I guess some of my actions have changed. I guess I'm growing. And as Cameron pointed out to me, as I change, and as I grow, I'm going to lose people. It happens. Not just to me, to everybody. And I keep trying to get these friends back, and I keep trying to relive moments that I miss, and I keep trying to hold people back from walking out of my life. But he tells me, "Just let them go. If you were to try and get the friendship back, the friendship just wouldn't be real anymore. And it's the way it has to be."

    After hearing that I'm looking for reasoning for the way things have to be.

    I hate to let things go. I hate to give up on people. I hate feeling like I've abandoned somebody. So many people think I like going through friends as if they're nothing to me. You don't even know how many people say that to me. Or ask me "Who's your best friend now? Haha!" as if it's funny. I really never chose to lose people in my life.

    Cameron pointed out to me that as you grow, your actions change. You can still act the same, but when you change your actions, you ARE a different person. And people that were once close to you can drift away from you because they don't believe you're "new" actions are correct. God this would be so much easier to explain if I could just use the persons name, but I would hate to throw our problems out to the Internet. This friend that I'm losing has different morals and different beliefs than me. And I hate that we're losing our friendship. But in order for me to save it I'd have to become the type of person he wants in his life. I'd have to change my actions, I'd have to change my beliefs, I'd have to change my morals. I'd have to change myself. Cameron tells me that once you've changed, you've changed. And you have to accept it, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much you think you still are exactly the same, sometimes other people can see it in a complete different way. I hope you're still with me. I'm REALLY trying to make this make sense. He tells me that if I'm not going to be the friend that this person needs, and if I'm going to keep letting him down, then I need to detach myself from him, and let go of this friendship. I just don't know if I can do that. I don't know how I could do that. Because I can try to get the friendship back that we once had, and I can try to pretend that every thing's still the same, but change has played it's course. We're starting to lack similarity. And my god, it's the hardest thing ever to accept. All I can say, is I'm happy right now. And I can't change myself. The person I once was has died. I'm someone new. I have different views towards things now. I have a different way of living. I'm just playing around with different ways of living. Cameron honestly is the smartest person that I know. He really has opened my eyes towards my other friends view towards all of this. And I'm sorry to the friend I'm losing. I'm sorry that I can't add up to your expectations (not sarcasm, and that's not supposed to sound mean) I'm sorry that I let you down, and I'm sorry that I can't be the friend you need. I just wish we could go back, to how it was.

    el oh el

    Thank god

    They got a call from them.
    Everythings okay. I feel better.

    Everytime stuff like this happens I always feel so much closer with my family. I can't explain it.



    I'm sitting in my bedroom waiting for a call from my dad.
    My brother and uncle have been out hunting since 6:00 this morning. It's now four and it's starting to get dark. We can't get a hold of either of them. And they were supposed to be back three hours ago. We've all been calling over and over. And there's been no answer back.

    My brother and dad are going up to the woods to look for them right now
    If we don't find them, we're calling for help. I'm getting nervous so I wanted to spill this out. Damn it.

    Saturday, November 17, 2007

    I can't stand my step mom

    I really can't stand her anymore.
    She's such a little snoop. Reading my text messages. Trying to fish stuff out of my friends. Screw you Susan Hinkle

    You don't even deserve to have the last name Fitzgerald

    The show was great. Even though it was like a crowd of thirty.
    Okay I'm leaving. I'm pissed off. I'm probably in the worst mood I've ever been in.

    Wednesday, November 14, 2007


    I laughed at it
    Hahahahahaz - Watch more free videos


    Three blogs in one night?! What the hell is wrong with me

    Sometimes the pictures are gay and don't load:

    I'm in construction

    This is just spilling out every word that runs across my mind. Each paragraph might not relate to the one before, but I just have a lot to say, and I'm trying to fit it all onto one blog.

    I'm starting to make it better. I still don't know what I need. I still don't know where I'm going. I still don't know what I'm doing. But "I'm enjoying it all and that's all that matters"

    I wish I didn't care so much about your opinion. But I do. You're words of advice intrigue me like no other. Don't think that I don't care about you trying to guide me. I do. I know that you care more than many other people in my life. And I wish I didn't make things hard when you're trying to help. But I just don't think I can make the change for you that you want me to make. I'm constantly adjusting, changing, and fixing who I am. I'm in construction. I'm building myself every single day. And I'm starting to get annoyed by how cliche this sounds. I'm never going to be the exact same as I used to be. And I'm sorry that I promised you that. I just wish you could see the great in me that there is right now. I don't care if that sounds weird. There's a lot of great in me, there's a lot of bad in me. I'm a changed person. But I'd like to believe I've mostly changed for the better. I'm so much stronger than I ever was.

    Lets do a spell check real quick. Score! No missed spellings found!

    ON ANOTHER THOUGHT: I just talked to an old friend. It was nice. I like that we have conversation now. I really like that we're so content with each other. At least.. I think we are. I hope we are.

    I talked to Justin the other day on the phone. You know, my old best friend. Actually. He still is my best friend. No matter how long it's been since I've talked to him. I think I can always consider him my best friend. Anyways, we were probably on the phone for an hour. Talking about it all. Catching up. It was great. We planned to hangout and I couldn't get into town in time, so we didn't. But hopefully we'll get some hanging out before he leaves for Arizona.. That's gonna be really hard for me. He leaves in December. I feel like a fucking idiot for not asking him to hangout earlier. Okay I need to stop thinking about this subject.

    No really! I'm going to go do my homework now. I think..


    What I've been up to? A lot of nothing. But all of this nothing is so great.

    I guess the only down side of what's been going on is there's no more free fourth periods. No more seeing Chelsea and Caitlin every single day. I really hope Caitlin and I don't lose touch with Chelsea. I would hate for that to happen.

    Yeah, there's new classes now. I love my classes. Okay, my schedule:
    Free first period with Andrew and Avieta. I love it. It's always fun.
    Second period, math.
    Third period is Multicultural Studies (GREATEST CLASS)
    Fourth period is advanced TV with Caitlin.

    Really, I love Multicultural. Even though I know nobody in that class other than Stefanie. Today we did all of these little games to break the awkwardness. But really it just made everything even more awkward. We had to go around and ask people questions, get them to sign their names, all that jazz. I guess it was sort of fun. Then we all got in this big circle and we had to stare at the person next to us, straight in the eyes, for thirty seconds. Dead silent. It was so awkward. And the point of it was, to study the person with in the thirty seconds and put together what type of person you think they are. Then, you write down how you see them, and what you think about them on a note card. I guess we're doing that tomorrow. It should be interesting what the girl says about me because I couldn't be serious at all. I kept cracking up while we were staring at each other. Oh man.. I love that class.

    I really can't think about what else I've been up to. Advanced TV is nice. Caitlin and I are gonna do a documentary on Chelsea Hunt. Or on Patrick Green. "What's a Chelsea Hunt?" Hahahahahah oh my god, that was probably the funniest thing I heard all day.

    Uh, I took a nap today. For an hour. I woke up by Katie jumping on my bed, turning on all the lights, and taking off my socks. It was funny. I love having her around at the house.

    I guess I'm going to do my homework now. So I don't have to do it when I'm around Andrew and Avieta tomorrow during first period.

    Monday, November 12, 2007


    "People die so many times in their lifetime. To me the death of a person means they have changed, and they are no longer that person. Everytime someone changes, they become someone new. That person they once were is dead, non existant. At the same time they are themselves, so we should learn to accept the change in people. That's why memories are important to try and get every day you can. Try and get some of everyone inside a single person. People have an inconistant way of living, they change so much. I believe that people should not try to stop their friends from changing, because with that you end up with a non-existant un-real friendship, or fake friends. Don't keep someone around just because you used to be real good friends with them, they might have changed, keep that person in your head and save those memories, and leave the murderer alone, unless the murder was for a greater good. A change that was a necessary one. The terrible tragedy of life that people change, and no one wants to except it. I miss a lot of things, I miss certain moments and people I have had in my life, and to miss something I had to have a memory of it, so I want as many memories as I can get. Sometime you have to beat yourself to move one from things, and you have to beat yourself just so you don't feel that pain of loss ever again. We lose people more often than people think, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. I feel fortunate to have built a group that survives and is constructed for change, we change, and I feel I manipulate the structure to work." - Cameron Wray

    Friday, November 9, 2007

    Oh SO good

    Yesterday was so great. Such a good way to end the week.
    For everyone that was there, here are all the pictures:

    ^ Jacob, are you sure you want to put that up? Hahahaa!


    ^ And in that one

    ^ Kelli took that

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    ^ Slow synchro mode

    "So Patrick, how do Austrians see white people?" lmao

    Great great great great

    Thursday, November 8, 2007


    Last night my dad told me it was a no for Portland. He told me it was because I had a party. I went off at him. Yelling at him, arguing the whole night. I guess I went a little over board. I guess he has a reason to be upset. But I was just mad that I couldn't go to portland. We haven't talked since last night. He hasn't answered when I called either

    : /


    I read my horoscope this morning in photoshop.
    It said:

    April 20-May 20
    Daily Overview: November 08, 2007

    You may be pretty sensitive, especially where family is concerned. Remember that before you react too strongly to small transgressions -- it's far better to wait than to blow up over nothing.


    Tuesday, November 6, 2007

    Halloween night

    Brand New! Best concert of my life. I wanna go back.
    Sorry if the video's gay and doesn't load

    The other videos:

    Monday, November 5, 2007


    I'm really liking November. It's really a good month. I don't know if it can add up to how good October was though. Maybe it will, I don't know! Tonight was really great. Cammisha and I walked around Coburg, even though it was freezing (which I enjoy) I like actually love the freezing cold lately for some reason. Anyways, we got pizza and walked back, and watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It was really great. REALLY great. And she just left. And I'm already getting tired. And I've been listening to David ford all night. I FINALLY FOUND "There is a light" I remember I messaged him saying "Put back up There Is a Light! That's my favorite" and he said "I'll keep it in mind, Michael!" and he did it! Woo! It really is one of my favorite songs.

    It's only nine thirty, and I'm already tired. Well, there was a time change. So it would really be 10:30 right now. I'm so not used to this time change. It was completely dark at 5:30. That's so insane.

    Okay I'm going to go get some cranberry grape juice, listen to David Ford, and then watch TV until I fall asleep. I really wish I could find my ipod. Goodnight!

    Sunday, November 4, 2007

    I'm back on blogger

    It wouldn't let me get on my BlogSpot for so long. I don't even know why. I had the password right and everything. I don't know. BUT, I'm back on and I'll have more posts now. I've been wanting to write everyday on here but I wasn't able to.

    Hmm last night was fun. I had people over. We blasted music. We partied to my strobe light. They left. I cleaned, and I was home alone and bored. So Cameron, Austin, and Alex came over and spent the night.

    This weekend was insane. So much fun. But almost a little too much to deal with.
    I don't know. I'm really excited for next weekend though. Goin' to Jacob's condo in Portland. As long as my dad says yes. Patrick's coming with us too. It'll be fun.

    Yesterday Caitlin, Andrew, and I walked around the duck game (outside of the duck game actually) going to random tailgaters. Trying to find me a Sierra Mist. We were probably walking around for about 3 hours maybe even longer. I don't know. It was so much fun though. I'm actually really starting to enjoy winter. Afterwards they came over, with everyone else and made grilled cheese sandwiches.

    My dad and Susan are home. I cleaned the house so well so they don't even know people were over ;) YOU KNOW MEH! I actually feel guilty about having people over for some reason. I don't know. I would just hate to lose trust with my dad. I'm doing nothing today. Homework, and laying around I guess? I don't know I want to go somewhere but I don't wanna find a ride.

    Tuesday, October 23, 2007

    I know, I haven't posted anything in here for a while. It's almost as if I've had writers block lately. I can't put all of my thoughts into words. It's actually sort of upsetting.

    Tonight was really great. Here, I'll describe it for you. I was sitting down in the basement, and I was talking with Lauren. And I hadn't talked to her in a long time. And while we were talking I realized how wise she is. And I started to think about what I'm going to be like when I'm her age. And she asked me "how's life?" and I really couldn't even put it into words. Maybe she asked "what's new?" I don't know.

    Every thing's just so great. And I told her that. And I told her that I think I'm worried I'm just making conclusions too fast. And I can't really explain what I mean by that. But I think once again, I'm starting to fear unhappiness too much. I mean, why don't I just enjoy this? Being so content. And she told me "Because you're afraid you're going to lose it." I realized that, and I knew that. I just didn't know what to say back.

    We started talking about my friends. And I talked about ones I don't know anymore. And we talked about ones I'm afraid of losing. And we talked about ones that are so good for me. And we talked about ones that are bad news. And I told her I consider myself a good friend. I just easily get upset with people, which I'm trying to change. And I told her how attached I get. And surprisingly enough, that's normal. I didn't think it was. I thought I was just really clingy or something. I guess people just don't show it. I know that I don't show it.

    An hour had probably gone by and we still had so much to talk about. We were laughing at everything, and cracking jokes about some of the things I do. And it really put me in a good mood. I love conversations like those. I love people that have the ability to keep a serious conversation going, without it being awkward. And I love it when people throw their real opinions of me, towards me. I really like knowing them. Whether they're bad, or good. They're just nice to hear.

    I loved tonight.

    Monday, October 22, 2007

    I'm sorry

    About all of my stupid, immature posts below

    And I'm sorry about all this nonsense that I've been writing about.
    I'm sick of always repeating the same things on here. Complaining about the same things that I cannot change. I'm done. So here's a new start, to writing about things I haven't written about. Writing about things that I actually want to write about.

    Today my mom talked to me about how worrying gets me no where.
    And she told me to not let everything get to me. And she told me to stop putting so much thought into everything that happens. It's true. I put SO much thought into everything that happens. I over-think every single situation that happens. Idk if that's a good thing.

    I don't know. I'm gonna stick to what she said.

    She also told me I'm so good at reading people, and understanding people, and how I should work with people when I'm older. I just laughed. But it's true. I really do know how to read people well.

    Friday, October 19, 2007


    Ignore all the posts where I wasted my time typiing about them. I'm going to talk about things that are actually important. Good thtings.

    Everything is going really great right now. I think this weekend should be really good. Even though I'm not allowed to stay the night anywhere. Today should be good, tomorrow night should be great, I have no clue what I'm doing Sunday. I miss hanging out with Nick. I hungout with him in the library this morning.

    OH! I've been working with my dad lately to save up money so I can buy my camera. Since mine is broken and all. I really need to stop breaking camera's. I didn't spend my lunch money all week so it can go towards my camera. Yesterday was a half day. Today's a half day. Yesterday was so much fun. It's always fun at Jacob's house.

    Okay well I guess I should get back to "working" in photoshop
    too bad all of my work is done and I have nothing else to do besides blog, and myspace.


    Wednesday, October 17, 2007



    Even though the thing you wrote on your page sort of made me upset
    (Me being number five)

    I know you're just trying to look out for me. But I don't like that you're making assumptions! I like how good you are to me! You're a really great friend. But I mean, I really don't want you saying what's GOING to happen to me. You don't know what's going to happen to me. I love you to death. And I miss being close with you. I miss our friendship. But please. Stop. I know you're basing it off the mistakes that you've made. And I know you're just being a good friend, and caring. But REALLY assumptions are not good. I want to have a talk with you. I miss you a lot!

    It's getting on my last nerve

    How you guys think you have me so figured out. How you think my life is just going to all come crashing down. And how you think my friends are just going to turn on me and leave me behind. I'm sick of hearing how much I'm going to miss you guys. I'm sick of hearing how I'm with the 'wrong crowd'

    Since when has the right crowd been people that lower your self esteem, make fun of you, never support you, and call you ugly? Don't deny any of that. Since that's all you guys really do. Deny things. You know what? Ignore all that. The thing that bugs me the most is that you guys think you know me SO well. And you think you know exactly how things are going for me. You have no idea. I've been so happy this year. I wish you just weren't in the picture. I wish you'd stop trying to ruin my happiness. I could tell you guys "You're all going to get sick of each other's fake personalities, and constant back and fourth insults" but that's not going to help anything. Because I'm sure you guys are happy right now too. The thing I don't understand is, if I'm not in you're life anymore, why the hell are you trying to tell me what mine is going to turn out like. I'm sick of hearing your assumptions. I'm sick of you guys and making 'big deals'

    You guys have pulled through for me so many times. And you guys have been there for me so many times. And at this point I really don't know what I want from you. Every single day I think about what I've lost. And every single day I think about what I'm gaining. Just hearing you guys talk sometimes makes me feel sick. You're still exactly the same. So dramatic. So, I don't know. Just so the same. I keep bouncing back from strong to weak. I want you guys back in my life so bad. But at the same time, I just want you guys out of my head. I don't want to have to deal with you anymore. I wish the good days were back. I wish I actually meant something to you guys when I was around. I wish that I didn't have to be in this situation right now.

    I think I should stick with my view towards you right now. Actually, I don't know what my view is towards you guys right now. You were good for me, you were bad for me. You put me through the best, and you put me through the worst. I've lost you guys. You guys have lost me. And I don't think we can get this back. I don't know if we want this back. I don't know if we know what we want.

    All I want is for you guys to stop making assumptions.
    And I want you guys to stop talking about me.
    And I want us all to be OKAY. Even if we aren't friends. And I want to know why you guys care about what I do, if you don't care about me anymore.

    I can't even explain myself or how I feel about you guys.
    You are the most difficult group I have ever came across in my life.
    Now go call each other up and laugh about this whole post! I'm sure you will.

    I really can't believe this is happening.
    I really wish this wasn't happening.

    I wish I could enjoy the friends, and the life I have now, with out you guys interrupting. My god I'm so back and fourth with you. All the good times are coming back to me tonight. And it's the hardest thing ever. But then I think about the bad times. Like the day before I left for Idaho, oh god, lets not get into that. But I remember when you guys called me and told me you missed me. And I felt so happy, so wanted. I don't know what I'm trying to say in this post. I know you never wanted to hear me say this, but I miss you guys. I'm done denying it. But I don't think I can put up with you anymore. I'm like a god damn broken record. I keep saying the same things. I'm done.

    Saturday, October 13, 2007

    Enjoying the small things

    I was just on the phone with my mom. And we were talking. About the way I live. And about how the only time that I actually feel bliss is when so many big, great things are going on. And how I'm always looking for something extreme. And how I never really take time to enjoy the small things. And how sometimes the small things, are the things that make us the happiest, the things that make us who we are, the things that really matter.

    I think I've gone over this before but I don't think anybody really knows how to 'live their life to the fullest'

    So many people state that they live every moment to the fullest, and that they are completely satisfied with everything going on in their life. And maybe they are! And I hope they are! But I don't think they really know how to actually LIVE to the fullest. I'm not going to say I know how. Because I don't. But I'm slowly trying to figure out how to. And you might stop reading here because you probably think this all sounds so cliche. But it really is something to think about. I think that despite what bad is going on in your life, despite all of the things going wrong, you should always use the small things in life to keep you motivated, and to keep you going. What are the small things in life that are the greatest? Sitting with your friend, talking about everything or nothing at all, or going on drives blasting your favorite band and having a destination of no where.

    I think that the moments where absolutely NOTHING matters, are the moments you should take advantage of. You know what I'm talking about. The moments where you're with your friends having the time of your life. Even if you guys aren't doing anything great. When nothing is on your mind except for how much you care about the people you're with, and how much fun you're having. Or the times when you lay in your bed, And you think back on the day, and you have nothing more to worry about because the day is over. Or the times when you look back at everything and feel so infinite, so complete, so full. I think THAT'S the feeling of living. It seems like when people think 'live your life to the fullest' they think, if you're not constantly happy, if you're not constantly doing something AMAZING then you're not living it to the fullest. You're never going to have constant happiness. Nobody does. Nobody will. That's just the way it works out. Stuff happens, things get hard, but you take the small things and use them to make you better. No, you don't always have to be doing something amazing to be living. All that matters is if you're happy. All you have to feel, is complete. And that's when you're really alive. You just have to find the things that make you complete. And stick with it. Even if it does require some change in your life. Even if it's the SMALLEST things that seem to do that to you. And I know I'm starting to sound like I'm repeating myself, and this all might be confusing to you, and it probably doesn't make sense. But I'm trying to put it all into words. And it's really not easy.

    I guess that's all I can say about 'living'. We over look the small things, and we look for the big, adventurous things, because we think the big things are our entrance to happiness. You don't have to have a million people in your life to be happy. You don't have to do the most adventurous things, you don't have to always be extreme. It's nice to just relax, and not set such high expectations for the way you live. It's all your decision. I really don't think people think about that. I hope I'm making sense to you. I hope you understand what I'm saying. And I really hope you guys learn something from this. Create your own happiness. Only YOU know what really makes you complete. Stop looking for so much, and enjoy the little things that are in your world.

    Friday, October 12, 2007


    BY THE WAY! There might more then one about you.
    There will be some of them where I will refuse to tell you who it's about. So don't bug me about it. But go ahead and post a comment and guess. Don't forget to say your name.

    1) I think you're a really nice person. But I try not to talk to you as much because our conversations are always really awkward. Most of the time it's you talking, and me just trying to get a word in. You're just so.. talkative.

    2) I miss talking to you. It's sort of hard to hangout with you now since I'm not really in "the group" anymore. I wish you would hangout with me and my friends more. Because you're so much fun. And honestly, we're so much alike. You're a really great person. And I hate seeing them turn you into somebody you're not. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe you've always been that way. I don't know. I just miss talking to you.

    3) I can't believe that just a few months ago I liked you. You're actually really mean to me now. Actually, no you're only mean to me when you're around HER. She's changed you so much. I can't stand it. Everything I say you look at me like I'm so stupid. You treat me like an idiot. But I love how you are at school. It's like you're two different people around her, and at school. Honestly, I would give you the advice to stay away from her. But I know you wouldn't listen. I don't know if I can say she's a bad person, because she's really nice to me. But I think you're better without her.

    4) You've become such a good friend. If only you went to Sheldon. I love hanging out with you, even though our plans usually always fall apart. But the thing that I love, is you ALWAYS stand up for me. It shows that you actually do care. You're brave enough to stand up for me, no matter what the situation, no matter who it is. I look up to you in so many ways. Thank you for always looking out for me. I love you I love you

    5) I'm so grateful for you. But I seem to lack importance in your life sometimes. I don't know. It seems like I'm always kind of picked last. You're one of my best friends. I know this year has been hard for you. I can see it. I know you're going through a hard time. I just wish you would come to me with your problems more, to talk about them. I love you to death.

    6) I really don't like you. And I don't even know you. You're a Junior, or senior? I don't know but it seems like you think you're the coolest guy around. It really bugs me. For you're age you're really immature. Haha! I shouldn't even be saying this. I don't know you at all. But whatever. Grow up d00d! You're not as cool as you think you are.

    7) I think it's wrong how you get people to like you, and then mess with their heads.

    8) You're such a good friend. We met in computers last year, and ever since then, we're always hanging out, always texting, always going somewhere fourth period. I'm scared that once we don't have a free fourth anymore, we'll start to drift apart. I really hope that doesn't happen. You really are the greatest friend someone could ask for.

    9) You've become a really good friend this year. It's been a while since we last hung out. It's kind of weird. We were hanging out every day for a while. I don't know. I realized that you never have much to say when it's just me and you hanging out. And then when we're hanging out with other people you have so much to talk about, and you're so much more outgoing. I've felt like lately I have to invite myself places. I'm never really invited as much anymore. Okay no, that's a lie. I don't know. We've had a lot of great times. The few times we hung out in the summer were so much fun. And the time's we've had this year have been great. The only thing I realized is you often rely on me to make the plans for everything. That's not always easy. I don't wanna always make the plans. You're a lot of fun to hangout with, and you're a really great person, and a really great friend. I really hope we continue to hangout as much as we have been lately.

    10) We hung out freshman year, around winter break. And then all of a sudden we just stopped talking, stopped hanging out. And now we're talking again. I've only been to your house twice this year, and you've only come with us fourth period about twice, but I can already tell that we're gonna be good friends. You're really fun to cheeeeel with.

    11) You're one of the funniest people that I've ever met. You're so much fun to be around. But you have so many people in your life that it's like it's hard to fit myself into it, you know? I think we have a really strong friendship. But I wish we had an even stronger one. Because you're such a fun person. THE ONLY THING IS, I wish you could just relax a little. You can be so dramatic sometimes. About the smallest things. It's such a middle school way to act. I'm not saying I don't do that at times, because I do. But I just want you to enjoy more things, more often. You have a bunch of great people, and a bunch of great things going for you. If only you could just enjoy it.

    12) The thing that bugs me, is you think everyone hates you.

    13) We're starting to be friends again. I'm actually really happy about it. You were always a true friend. I just think we need to make sure not to get too much of each other like we did last time. That's kind of what made our friendship fall apart. You can be very impatient, repetitive, and you have a history of compulsively telling lies. But at the same time I used to be really unfair to you, but I really don't think I'm like that anymore. I hope I'm not like that anymore. I know there's somethings you can't change. I know it's something I just need to get used to. I just sort of wish you could try to fix it. But whatever you're a great person. A great friend. And you're hella funny. And I think I need to stop trying to force change into you. And just let you do things on your own, and make decisions on your own. If I fail to do that, just let me know. Honestly. I've had some of the greatest times hanging out with you. And I know this year will be great since we're friends again.

    14) You're really fun to hangout with. I would actually really like to be good friends with you. But it seems really hard to. I rarely get invited to do stuff with you and you tend to never answer text messages, or phone calls, for anyone. Hahaha I'm such I hypocrite. I don't answer phone calls either. But I don't know. You never answer when I need to know what the plan is.

    15) You're the biggest flirt. It almost makes me like you sometimes. You're just such a fun girl.

    16) I can't decide if I can call you my best friend or not. Because you've been so distant towards me lately that it's actually scary. I can't remember the last time I stayed at your house, or the last time you replied to my text messages, or the last time you asked me to hangout. I know you're disappointed in the choices I've been making but I never thought you would want to eliminate me from your life. It's really hard for me. You seem to be such an ass hole towards me when we're hanging out with other people. To the point where I don't want to invite you to come with us anymore. I just wish our friendship could go back to normal. I realized that we hung out so much that we started to become EXACTLY like each other. It's really been bugging me lately. I like having friends that are opposite of me. Not just like me. I'm becoming like you too at times. I guess our personalities are just starting to rub off on each other. I really hope you're not wanting to give up this friendship. Because I really don't want to do that. I wanted to ask you to hangout tonight. But I got nervous to ask because I don't want you to reject it. It's sad that we're to the point where I'm nervous to ask you to hangout. I just wish that you'd realize that I'm still the same exact person, even if I have been making different decisions. I really need our friendship.

    17) You're the funniest person that I know. Seriously. I laugh my ass off when ever we hangout. You've become a really good friend. It's been a while since we last hung out too. You're raves at your house are so fun. Partying with your mom and all. Lmao! dude you're awesome. I'm really happy that we're friends.

    18) Sometimes I want us to be 'cool' but I would be scared that if we were 'cool' I would want to draw myself close to you again. And I really can't do that. I just hope you know that I don't hate you. I don't have a grudge against you anymore. I just think you handled this all terribly. We both handled it terribly. But I don't think there's much we can do about it anymore. When I said I don't have a grudge about this anymore, that was a lie. There's still so much anger in me about all of this. I don't know when it will ever go away. I just hope you read this, and I hope you see the sentence where I say "I don't hate you" I never have and I never will. That's all you need to know. And I really DO hope you have a good life. And I really hope that you're happier now! (That's not sarcasm) And yes I miss you. But I just don't think I can do anything about it, at least not yet.

    19) You're one of my best friends. Ever. I could say all the good things about you, and talk about all of our good times. But you've heard it all before. I'm the most comfortable around you. You really are the definition of a best friend. You're the only person that really understands my strangest thoughts, and opinions towards everything. You can predict everything that I have on my mind. It's so insane. The only thing I could say as advice to you is, you need to accept more happiness. I think sometimes you almost don't let yourself enjoy the good things in your life because you don't think you deserve it. Or maybe you just don't know how to. I don't know. I'm not saying you do that all the time. Just a lot, you know? It seems like you want SO much in our friendship. It seems like I'm always doing SOMETHING wrong. I'm not calling enough, or hanging out enough, when really, I've been trying to A LOT more lately. Seriously. I understand why you want to hangout more. Because that's what best friends do. But even if we do start to hang out a lot, there's something else there that just 'not right' for you. It seems like if I say one thing you will hold it against me until I do it. And you'll bother me about it repetitively. It seems like I'm never really a good enough friend. It seems like I'm always doing something wrong. And sometimes you can make big deals out of small things. And I'm not talking about what you recently made a "big deal" about. Because that was necessary. I'm talking about a lot of other times, when it's just so NOT necessary. When I think about it, I'm never really coming to you and telling you what you're doing wrong. I just enjoy our friendship, with the flaws in it and all. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell me the things that I've been doing that bug you. Because you can come to me with that anytime. I just wish I didn't do SO many things to make you upset. You seem to get really easily upset. Even if you don't want to confess to that. Sorry if that's putting words in your mouth. I am SO grateful for you. I love you to death. It just seems like when you're not stressed, you find something else that's going wrong. I want you to just enjoy the good things, I want you to enjoy the good people in your life, and I really am trying to be a better friend. I just wish you'd notice the change a little more. Maybe you do? I don't know. I love you! And no matter what, NOBODY can add up to as good of a friend as you are. Please take note: you are the longest paragraph in this blog.

    20) You're such a great friend. It's just sometimes, you can say the meanest things to me, to everybody. It's not that often, but you do it A LOT! But the thing I like is you always say sorry afterwards. Or you always feel guilty about it afterwards. It shows that you actually do care about my feelings, and about other peoples feelings. I just know that you're a bigger person then that. I love talking to you, I love hanging out with you, and I really am glad I met you. I often worry that you talk bad about me to your other friends though, or I'm just a back-up friend to you at times. I don't know. I know you'd never do that. So just ignore that sentence. We hated each other at first, and now we're so close. It's insane. Hahahahaha

    21) We only talk through text messages, and on myspace, but I feel like we have this really strong connection.

    22) You often say you're going to things, and then you never follow through. You're all talk. But that's okay.

    23) I actually kind of look up to you. You've made such a big impact on me that it's changed me into a completely different person. It's insane. I really think you're something great.

    24) I love you. You're so much fun, you're so funny. It's funny that I liked you for a while. You're way out of my league. But whatever. You're so much fun to be around. But my god, you can be two-faced. And you lie so much. It actually worries me because I don't know how much I can trust you.

    25) I want to be just like you. And I really don't think idolization is healthy.

    26) I miss hanging out with you. I really hope we can start hanging out some more with out the rest of the "group" because you were always so much more fun with out them. I just hope you've kind of changed your ways. You're another person I can't be around too much or else I start to go insane. Because we both really know how to get on each others nerves. Besides all of that. You're one of the greatest people that I know. You're really wise, and really brave, and honestly I know you have feelings. I think you just have a REAL hard time showing them.

    27) I think you'd be so much fun to be friends with. I don't know how I would ever get myself to hangout with you though. Because I'd have to get myself into your "group" and most of your group hates me.

    28) I saw you the other day. You seem to be the same. I miss you a lot.

    29) We don't really talk that much anymore. But you've kind of changed. I think you're getting to caught up in your reputation. And I think you can get too hyper and too emotional sometimes. I like how you used to be. Just so layed back, and so funny, and you didn't give a damn about your popularity status. I just think you're trying too hard to impress everyone. I don't like it. I don't really know who you are anymore. I don't mean to completely shove you out of my life, but I have a hard time being around you anymore.

    30) Ah, you're so nice. Even though I'm not in the group anymore you still care about me. I remember when we were texting a few weeks ago and you told me you were worried about me and you cared about me. And that really meant a lot to me. I miss you. I'm glad we're still cool.

    31) I can't stand you. That's all I can say. Oh and you're really obsessive. It's weird.

    32) Ha! And I thought we were gonna start being good friends, and start hanging out a lot. Too bad all you care about is being popular. And you don't know how to make time for anybody except for the people you consider cool. Thanks for leading on my best friend and then letting her down. You're a great guy, you just need to learn how to fit more time for people.

    33) I miss you more then anything. I'm glad you found somebody you're happy with. I'm sorry that he had to take over your life though. I hope someday you realize what you've lost. You let go of all your best friends for him. Because he didn't want you to have them. I think that's terrible. I really wish he never came around. We would still be best friends.

    34) You used me. You didn't even like me. You fake bitch. I hear all the bad things you say about me. Hahahahaha this sounds like something an 8th grader would type or something. I really wish I never went out with you. You're a terrible girl. And I say that truthfully. You disgust me.

    Friday, October 5, 2007

    I know I just posted one

    but I'm posting another

    I was so close to trying to start conversation with you.
    But I got too nervous.

    I wish that we could be 'cool' with each other. Not friends, but not enemy's, it would just be nice knowing that we don't have this bad tension between us.

    ten, five, two thousand and seven

    Today was absolutely terrible.
    I left Jackson's house around 11:00 this morning and took the city bus home. Then I get to the house and realize that I don't have a key. And all of the doors were locked. So I took the screen off of my window to try to get through my window. But my window was locked. Same with all the other ones. I would of called my dad but he was out of town, and my phone was dead. Susan was working. My brothers were working. So I had no option but to just sit in my dads truck in the driveway and listen to music. After about 4 hours I was going out of my mind. I was pretty miserable.


    Last night was a lot of fun. Just "the normal group" at Jackson's I guess. About 90% of the time I was just watching them play halo. But it was still fun. His house always is. And I got to talk to Joseph for the first time in a long time. It was cooooool.

    I just cleaned my room. It looks really good. And I have my window open. And I'm listening to Built To Spill. And Susan has this cinnamon candle lit in the kitchen and it smells really good. It's starting to feel like winter again. OH BY THE WAY! WHY DID I EVER SAY I WAS GETTING TIRED OF THE HEAT? My god it's starting to get cold. I wish I could do something with people tonight. But I can't because my Grandma's 80Th birthday party is tomorrow. Maybe I can sneak out if someone can give me a ride. MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.

    I need to start saving my money to get my new camera. Since mine is broken. I'm just gonna buy the same one that I had. I think I'm gonna go mow the lawn so I can make some $$$! I wanna read my book, but I can't. I need to get my backpack out of Cameron's car. I hope Natasha isn't mad at us about last night. Hmm. If you're reading this Natasha, we're sorry. And I'm just rambling on right now. So BYE!

    Thursday, October 4, 2007

    It's been like two days

    since I've posted anything.

    This week went by fast. But it was just one big mess.

    I can't really write about anything exciting happening, because nothing exciting has happened. Seriously. Nothing. WAIT NO THAT'S A LIE. Tuesday Cameron and I didn't go to school. We played hookey. And oh my gosh.. it was fun. That day made me miss summer. I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I know that tomorrow night I'm staying at Nicks moms house. Saturday I might be hanging out with Maddi and some other people.

    Today I have a green tea vitamin water. I just took a sip of it. Sick. That was the worst thing ever.


    I promise I'll have better posts later. Haha

    Monday, October 1, 2007

    Random thrown out thoughts

  • I really don't want to go to guitar practice tonight. I'm too tired.

  • I'm really glad that I finished all of my homework. I feel so accomplished.

  • I wanna be chillin' with people at somebodies home right now

  • Happy birthday Caitlin Joyner. I'm sorry the milkshake I bought you was gross.

  • My dog just ran away. My step mom's going crazy about it. I'm scared too.

  • LMAO people need to stop lurking my comments

  • Actually I do it too. So whatever. I just need to be more careful about what I say on MySpace

  • I'm tired of that freshman girl that always says hi to me awkwardly. She came up to me today and said "I think you're really cool. I'm seriously not even kidding." Chelsea and I laughed.

  • I wanna keep reading my book. I can't set that thing down.

  • Susan just walked in. I wonder if she found the dog.

  • Ooops I never finished me vault. It's probably flat now.

  • She found the dog

  • I want to clean my room. And then just sleep.

  • My camera is broken. I'm gonna buy a new one. Or try to get this one fixed. My mom said she'll help pay for it. I love my mom.

  • It's my Moms birthday tomorrow. I called her and yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" today. And she was all "UHM, IT'S NOT TIL TOMORROW YOU RETARD" I laughed.

  • I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. Except for Thursday and Friday

  • No school on Friday

  • I spent just about all of my lunch money today (twenty dollars)

  • I'm obsessed with Landlocked Blues

  • I guess I have to get ready for guitar. I want to just skip when they drop me off and go to Jamba Juice and call people.


    We created war

    We started this argument between us two. And little by little people are throwing their selves into it. More and more people are getting involved in it just about every day. This has become something I never wanted it to become. I never wanted you to hate me. I never wanted people to get in to it. I never wanted people to start yelling at you for me. But I can't blame them can I? They're just my friends. Trying to stand up for me.

    I'm sick of so many people being in the middle of this.
    Because nobody knows both sides of the story. They listen to one. And stick with it.

    I know this week is going to be hell.

    Here's a new month. I'm ready for some good change.

    Kind of an 'add on' to the previous blog

    I was just texting Cammisha

    I think she helped me realize that I just need to take life a little slower. And stop looking for happiness, and stop looking for what I need. And just let it come to me.

    Cammisha: I like your blog. I have noticed change in you. I didn't want to say anything.
    Me: What change have you noticed?
    Cammisha: I can't really put my finger on it. Just your so busy. And you're trying to MAKE yourself happy, instead of just letting it happen.
    Me: You're exactly right..
    Cammisha: You're just kind of distant. It's like I can't find you.

    Thank you Cammish. And I'm sorry. You giving me the truth is actually really good for me right now. I was talking to Susan about all these friend issues and she said word by word: "As long as you have one good friend like Cammisha, then everything's fine"

    She's exactly right.


    I'm glad you told me how you were feeling about the change in me. I'm glad you can actually tell me the truth. I needed to hear that. I know I was kind of getting upset. But it's because I wasn't letting myself accept it. You're such a good friend to me. I hope that no change in me weakens our friendship.

    As for everyone else
    please don't try to LOOK for change in me, just so you can point it out. But if you need to talk to me about it, talk to me about it.

    Sunday, September 30, 2007

    Once again

    I'm sorry if I have been letting people down by the decisions I've been making, and by the change that I've made, and by the way I've been acting. I'm done with denying it. I have changed. There you go. I'm getting older. The things that interest me aren't the same as they used to be. But I promise I'm still the same old Michael. I really wish people would give me a chance to explain myself. Lately I feel like I have been holding in way too much. I honestly just want to get all of the people that are mad at me, all the people that are worried about me, and all the people I care about, and put them in one room, and let me have a talk with all of them.

    I feel like I'm starting to fall behind with my friends. I'm not fulfilling their needs. And I'm not spreading out my time with them well enough. So much has been on my mind lately. It's scary. And I know it's scary for you guys too. This really isn't how I planned to start this year.

    The past three weeks my days are really good, and then I get home, and at night I really start to think. About everything that's going on right now. Recently I've had so many emotions bottled up. I've been feeling regret, and worry, and fear, and I hate it. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW. That's all I want. Just a constant happiness. Right now I'm happy but I keep going through these rough patches in between that weakens my happiness. I don't want those rough patches. But I guess I've been kind of making them happen myself. I keep screwing everything up. Everyone around me, everyone that cares for me is just waiting for me to just be happy. And waiting for me to just be myself.

    I'm sorry but right now, I don't think I really know when I'm 'happy'
    and I'm trying to put 'myself' together. I'm building my personality. And trying to fix the flaws in myself.

    Please don't think that you guys are starting to lack importance to me. All of you are all so important to me. You know who you are. Thank you so much for being patient while I pull myself together. I couldn't ask for better friends then you guys.

    I'm just constantly worrying about every single one of you. And losing you guys.

    The perks of being a wall flower

    "You know, a lot of kids at school hate their parents. Some of them got hit. And some of them got caught in the middle of wrong lives. Some of them were trophies for their parents to show to the neighbors like ribbons or gold stars. And some of them just wanted to drink in peace. For me personally, as much as I don't understand my mom and dad, and as much as I feel sorry for both of them sometimes. I can't help but love them very much."


    "I look at people holding hands in the hallways and I try to think about how it all works. At school dances, I'm in the background, and I tap my toe, and I wonder how many couples will dance to 'their song.' In the hallways, I see girls wearing the guys jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are."

    "Do you always think this much charlie?"
    "Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.
    "Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thoughts to not participate in life."
    "Is that bad?"
    "I think I participate though. Don't you think I am?"
    "Well are you going to these dances?"
    "I'm not a very good dancer."
    "Are you going on dates?"
    "Well I don't have a car. And The girl I like is too old for me."
    Bill smiled and continued to ask me questions. Slowly he got to "problems at home." And I told him about the boy who makes mix tapes for my sister. And how he hits her. And she told me not to tell mom or dad about it. But I figured I could tell Bill. He got this very serious look on his face after I told him and he said something to me I don't think I will forget this semester, or ever.
    "Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."


    Patrick started driving really fast. Sam was standing in the bed of the pick up truck. And just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

    Saturday, September 29, 2007

    "Take my advice. Stay away from broken people"

    You know I'm happy and you hate it. Your group should be happier without me. At least it seems like that's how it will be. I was never really important to you guys. Your blog made me feel sick last night. Scratch that. I did get sick last night.

    I really don't want this to happen to us. We're giving up something great. But whatever. I've lost all inspiration to fix things.

    "I never did anything to you"

    That's one thing you never knew how to do. Admit your own faults.

    I'm slowly learning to keep myself away from damaged people. Just like I've been told to do.

    There's no 'i' in team

    "If we go down, we go down together. Best friends means. Best friends means. You never knew. Well I never told you. Everything I learned about breaking hearts, I learned from you. I've never done it with the style and grace you have. But I've made lots of plans. Based on these mistakes"

    Friday, September 28, 2007

    I have to block out thoughts of you. So I don't lose my head

    I do miss you. I always will. I love you to death. And you've showed me so much. You've taught me so much. I wish we could both change. I wish we didn't argue all the time. But we do and there's really nothing we can do about it. I don't think you're willing to change for me.

    When I think about it. We've been arguing since the starting of Summer till now. So obviously you can understand why I'm so fed up with this all. This is my last blog that I'm going to write about you because I'm sick of writing about the same thing over and over again.

    You sent me a text saying "I want things to be better" you don't know how happy I was when I got that. It all kind of went downhill after you starting throwing things in my face about what I do wrong. And how I get mad about the stupidest things. LETS GET THIS CLEAR. I AM NOT MAD ABOUT MY NIKE'S. LMAO. I just thought that was funny. Completely doesn't relate to why I've been mad at all.

    Whatever. I'm just being "A broken record" right?
    We both cared so much for each other. It's terrible seeing us throw this away. But I don't even know what to do. I guess the fun we had just started to come to an end. And neither of us wanted it to happen. I want us to be cool. I don't want you to hate me. I don't hate you. I love you to death. It's just too hard to be your friend. I don't know if I'm going to regret this later on. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Everybody says I am. But I can't listen to anybody else right now.

    All I know is tonight you said things to me I never thought you'd say. Even after you said you wanted to fix things.

    "Don't say you miss me after this"

    Well I miss you. I guess we'll just see where this goes from here.
    Just know that you have changed me and shaped me into the person that I am right now. You've made such a big impact on me. I will NEVER forget you. No matter what.


    I think that this weekend will be good

    I have a lot of good plans


    I'm pumped up. Expecially for tonight. The girl next to me in photshop laughs at everything : /

    And she likes to say
    "Oh SNAP"
    "I'm so special"
    "I'm just cool like that!"
    "That's amazing"

    OH MY GOD. NO.

    I have no $$$
    I don't know if Chelsea and Natahsha are still coming over after school. I'm excited for fourth period today. Every day is a good day because of free fourth. I don't want to do photoshop projects. I think I'm going to read my book. Or do some of my math homework.

    I used to be so happy when I watched this video:



    Thursday, September 27, 2007

    This is an update

    I don't know what I want. And I don't know what I need.

    I don't know if my last blog was me being stupid, or me actually realizing the truth. I miss you guys so much. I hate that you guys think I'm so content about this all. I'm not. I'm really happy right now. But at the same time I am not the same person without you guys. Every time I see you guys together it's weird that I'm not there with you. I think about it every single day. All of the time.


    I know I sound like a broken record.

    I really don't even know what to do at this point. I don't want to let you guys slip right past me. But to be all the way honest, I've been able to actually put together my life and find what makes me happy ever since we put this distance between us. I don't even know what to say. I've said this in all of my other blogs. I've said these things to you guys so many times. But I just don't think that it's getting through to you.

    I keep typing things and then deleting them because I really am running out of words. I've said all that I can say. I should say more but I've said it enough. I should do more, but I've done it enough.

    I want you guys back in my life more then anything. But I want to know that you guys are actually there for me. And I want you guys to realize that just because I make new friends doesn't mean I'm saying I don't want you guys around anymore. I'm done. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'll probably have so much more to say tomorrow. But I need to get this off of my mind.

    I was just with you guys in the library

    And I found myself getting REALLY annoyed.

    All three of you are like, clones. That's the thing that has always bugged me. You guys all have the same voice, personality, everything. There's absolutlely no individuality in that group.

    The first thing she said when I came into the library "Wow I can't believe you ALREADY got your nikes dirty. Wow." You guys make it seem like looks are the most important thing ever. You always have. I don't give a damn how dirty my nikes are. LMAO. I like them messy. Even though they're not even that messy. They're just not pure white. So just be quiet.

    I also got upset when you guys made a big deal about Ariel coming with me and andrew to the game. You guys treated it like it's such a big deal. So I said "You guys.. why can't you hangout with all of us? It would be fun. Can't you guys open up to other people outside of your 'gang' seriously"

    I really did mean that. You guys act like it can only be you four sometimes. This isn't me talking bad. Or trying to DISS you on the internet. I'm just venting. Also when Jimmy was making fun of Chelsea Hunt. Don't ever do that again. I know you weren't being serious but it still pissed me off. Nobody talks bad about my friends. I always stood up for you. So I'm going to stand up for her. I left the library BECAUSE you said that.

    You guys always say "You treat your new friends better then you ever treated us."
    Yeah because they actually treat me like a human being. You guys have done a lot for me, but it's never enough. When friends are nice to me, and care for me, and SHOW that they care for me, I pay it forward. Mabye if you guys weren't so harsh towards me I would do the same for you.

    I'm sick of this.
    Rayven, I love you to death. The way you act lately just isn't the Rayven that I know. Jimmy I want you to grow up. You're seriously the most fun person to be around when you're actually being nice. But NOBODY wants to hear your insults, or your constant bad attitude. I guess this is the way you've always been and you really aren't going to change. I just wish you would.

    I miss hanging out with you guys.
    You wanted me to hangout during fourth but if it's going to be anything like it was this morning in the library I'd rather not be there. I'm so tired of getting excited, thinking you guys made change, and thinking that you guys are going to be better friends to me. I know I have to put an effort to hangout with you guys, but I don't know.. I JUST WANT THINGS BACK TO NORMAL. Back when I never had reasons to get mad at you. Back when all we did was have fun. Now, it seems like you guys are just constantly letting me down.

    I'm not saying I'm perfect to you. It probably seems like I'm not even making an effort to hangout. But this morning when I hungout with you guys in the library you said. "Are you here because you had nobody eles to hangout with?" Whatever. I was there because I wanted to hangout with you guys. It's not like you guys are my BACK UP FRIENDS.

    I've come to the conclusion that Rayven, you're the most fun, and the nicest, and so funny, when you're not around them (Jimmy and Angela). I don't know.. you guys kind of change when you're all together. God damn it this sounds like I'm talking bad about you guys. I'm really not. Jimmy and Angela and Rayven you guys all have your REALLY great sides. Do you see how back and fourth I am with my emotions towards you guys? It's the most confusing thing ever.

    I think I kind of just got sick of the repetition of the group. Since you guys all act SO much alike. All say the same type of things. You all get SO serious about some stuff. I don't know. It got so boring. SO old.

    I don't even know what to say right now. I'm getting all mixed up and I can't really put my thoughts into words. I'm done. I need to finish my project in photoshop.


    Wednesday, September 26, 2007

    I can tell when

    People are starving for attention.
    And do not expect me to give you it. Because I won't.

    I'm getting off right now so I can get caught up.
    Emiley will be proud if she reads this.

    I CAN NOT STAND HEARNING MY STEP BROTHER PLAY THE PIANO. EVERY NIGHT. I'm about ready to go out there and burn the thing!

    I'm such a happy person.

    Tuesday, September 25, 2007


    I'm not getting on myspace as much. I'm getting tired of wasting time on there. I'll still get on at night. Just not right after school. Feel free to still leave stuff. I'll reply that night probably.

    I don't feel very good today. Once again. I'm supposed to go to the doctors around five. I don't even know what's wrong. I'm sick of being sick.
    I'm annoyed by a lot of people right now. I've just been in such a bad mood this week. My days have been good, but they're all the same. I'm sick of this repetition. I want something different, something exciting to happen. But other then that, everything is just right


    Monday, September 24, 2007


    I'm actually going to get back on track in school. I just finished all my projects in photoshop so I'm just sitting here thinking about how much I put stuff off. You know what's sad? This is like, the third week of school or something and I already have missing work. PATHETIC! I come home some days, and other days I'll just go hangout with friends right after school. But if I do come home right after school, I still never go straight to homework. I talk to friends, I get on MySpace, and then I usually call Rayven or find something else to distract me. And then I say "I'll just do it tomorrow morning." which leaves me tons of work to do the next day.

    I love the feeling of being on top of all of my work. Having it all done. It makes me feel so accomplished. I want to have that feeling more often


    When I get home I'm going straight to homework. I'm turning off my phone. I'm turning off my computer. And I'm going to work.

    : /

    When I was sitting by you today I couldn't help but notice how snappy you are towards me and other people. You're such a good friend. But it STILL really annoys me. There still is no change in you.

    I know everybody has room for change. I do too. I just wish you could be A LITTLE nicer somtimes.

    Sunday, September 23, 2007

    I'm really tired of my dad

    being a jerk to me and then saying

    "Oh Michael. Stop complaining."

    And then when I get mad at him he blames it on my age.
    "Oh.. you just get mad at me because you're in your teenage years. And every thing's a big deal then"

    NO THAT'S NOT IT DAD. I just would like you to follow through with what you say. For once. My god.

    Wednesday, September 19, 2007


    "I'm sure you're a really great person. But right now you're even driving me insane. And I'm sick of seeing her crying."

    I take all of that back. I don't think your a good person at all. You think you're the greatest person to walk this earth since you fought Garret. You made her cry ONCE again. Which doesn't suprise me. I'm glad you're out of her life.


    I'm so sick today. It's terrible. I'm in a lot of pain. I wish I went to school though. I hate missing it. And I HATE missing free fourth period. I'm getting a hamster tomorrow I think :D

    Goodbye my friendzz. Allison, you're a bitch to me now. Bye.

    Sunday, September 16, 2007

    You're driving me insane

    I hate how you treat her. I hate how much you bring her down. I hate how you say you love her and need her when you're the one that decided to call it off. She's one of my best friends and I'm sick of seeing her hurt. Like she doesn't have enough on her mind already? Please just give her a break. I hate how paranoid you are. Constantly asking what guys she has been hanging out with lately. I'm sure you're a really great person. But right now you're even driving me insane. And I'm sick of seeing her crying.

    BOO! When you bring her down, it brings me down. Stop it Stop it Stop it. I want her to be with a guy that makes her happy so I can see her smile again. And don't you ever doubt that she doesn't love you. You clueless fool.

    Friday, September 14, 2007

    Photoshop period one


    I'm bored and writing in photoshop
    Uhm, I just made this


    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    I kind of did a bad job on the sky. And there's just a random pole sticking up. But I think I did good on the garbage can. Haha. I was going to sleep in today and kind of skip first and second period : /

    But my dad called and hes like "Are you on the bus on the way to school?" and I'm like "UHM, YEAH" I was really sleeping in bed. And then he's like "well I have the day off so I'm on my way home. Have a good day." And so I told him I missed the bus and he gave me a ride to school. He was mad. But I don't think he is anymore.

    I'm supposed to go with a lot of people tonight. But Lupe's party is tonight and I hope I'll be able to do both : /


    Thursday, September 13, 2007

    Sitting in photoshop


    I always finish the projects really quick and then I have nothing to do. I FINALLY got some sleep. I went to bed las night at 8:30 I passed out in my chair while reading the driving manual. I'm going to TRY and get my permit by the end of this month.

    I'm photoshoping a picture for allisooon

    Tuesday, September 11, 2007


    If you're a friend of mine. And you've noticed a little bit of change in me recently. I'm sorry. A loooooot of things have been on my mind. Sorry if I haven't been as fun, or if I seem a little distant. I'm kind of just trying to get back up on my feet again right now. It shouldn't take too long. Don't take the way I've been acting personally. And dooooon't worry. I'll be just FINE.

    Thank you