Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Shooting the stars down

It's really hard having nothing to look forward to when the week is over.
I'm really lonely lately. I don't talk to a lot of my friends. Some of them won't even acknowledge me. I guess by this point in high school, all the ones that weren't meant to last, fall off. And you're with a couple close ones that were always meant to be there. I know that's how I've always been told it works.

But I miss my friends making plans with me.
Nobody has asked me to do anything for basically the majority of September. Probably because they figure I'll be busy with work anyway.

I am happy with the people I have in my life. No doubt about it.
It's just hard seeing how everyones senior year already seems so great. Today I came home for half of second period and lunch because I didn't know who else I'd go with. Bryant has no classes so he's never at school. And the class we do have together, he won't talk to me, since he's with Justin. Sydney and I are weird lately. I need to share Cammisha with her friends. We work together and she might be soon living with me too. We're always together. She's one friend that I never have to worry about spending too little of time with or too much. Because no matter what, she will always be the best friend I have ever had and ever will have. I didn't even want to bother texting other people that I could think of, so I just left. This is supposed to be the best year of high school. And I just can't seem to find any type of thrills.

Monday, September 28, 2009

"The ups and the downs, the sames and the changes, all the money in the world still don't make it painless"

Fire and Rain

The feeling of standing by my car saying goodbye is a very familiar and difficult feeling to feel. I remember one night, maybe it was the last night of summer, I know for sure it was close to the end. We were standing in the middle of the street in front of your house. You barefoot. And me with my keys in my hand. I said, "When September comes around are things gonna go back to.." You interrupted and said, "No." And then I get in my car, and I drive away. And I knew that tomorrow I'll see you again.

But tonight was different. Everything around me was blocked out. It was just me and you. And the concept of time was questioned. It was freezing out. But I couldn't even pay attention to my senses. I tried spilling out everything that I needed to say to you. I rehearsed it in my head over and over while I was at work. And it felt like I only had one time to say it. I don't know how to be forced away from you, again. I wish that I could make an impact on you're decisions, just this once. But then I started to feel like everyone else around you trying to guide the way they want you to go. So I stopped. And I tried my hardest to see the way you do. And I wanted to help. I hope I helped.

Just promise me that tomorrow when you wake up, and my optimistic words start to seem so unrealistic, that you'll remember that you have to push your self through it. Prove it to yourself. You're stronger than you think. And remember, you're doing this for you. And nobody else.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

'I'm heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.

I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. We're never alone.
Coordinate brain to mouth.
Then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us

This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
This is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us'

The more you try to erase me, the more I appear

I completely risked my social life tonight for reasons that I can't say. But reasons that nobody will ever find out. Reasons that would of turned a house full of people against me. I'm good at hiding things, I'll give myself that, I hide it with smiles and laughs, even when in the most uncomfortable and scary situations. Faking things is becoming surprisingly easier as the years add up. And I think that's a good thing. We all have to do it every once in a while to save ourselves. We will be the only two that really know what I did. And I'm glad you told me not to worry about it. I'm not anymore. I ended up having one of the best times I've had in a long time. I was with people I never see anymore, people that I've really missed. and everything was exactly the same as it's always been.

It's funny how when things end with people, it's not always clear how the other person feels. It's weird looking back and talking about how I was always the first one to leave. Or not remembering what even happened that separated me from them in the first place. But people like Cameron, Nick, Andrew, and Rayven never let things come between. And really, they haven't changed a bit ever since I've been away from them.

I love new beginnings.
And what I love even more, is old friends becoming new friends.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash

Showing up at Jacobs house tonight was the last thing I expected myself to do. It was just a bunch of people that I don't care to know, or people that know me very well but can't even give a smile in return. It probably doesn't help that I came with people that I don't trust. I didn't see why I even said I'd go. I didn't want to be with them. He walked up to us and said, "Are you guys having fun? This is my party. You guys are at my party." He walked over to the bar table he has in his upstairs living room and I remembered the time when he threw a pillow at me and it missed and hit and broke his dads bottle of tequila instead. I remembered how awful that night turned out. How much his dad cared about a bottle of tequila over his words he threw at his son. I pushed him through that night. I looked into his room and saw the small doors that opened into his attic and remembered the time when we smoked in there after stumbling home from some girl Danas house. Everything got really weird. I started feeling weird being in his house again but not talking to him. And seeing him with all of his new friends that "run our senior class." I pushed my way through all of them. I walked three floors down, each floor, remembering something else. I put on my shoes, grabbed my keys, and left. And I was thinking, "Maybe that was the last time I'll ever be in that house again."

When the roof caved in

"When do you get off?"
"I'll be here until 10:30"
"Are there any parties going on tonight?"
"A couple"
"Do you think you could ask your brother to get alcohol and I'll go pick it up?"
"Nah, he won't. And I don't want to ask"
"K guess I'm just going home tonight then, there's nothing else to do"
"Really? Nothing else? What are you doing tomorrow night? Lets hang out"
"Nicks party for his 18th birthday, are you going?"
"No I wasn't invited, we don't talk anymore. We plan to hang out, but really it never happens"

And then it's 10:30. And I'm off.

"Where are you? What are you doing?"
"Going to Jonathons party, are you off? you should come"
"I don't wanna show up alone, I think I'll pass"

The conversations dropped, I switch to someone else.

"What are you doing? Are we still hanging out tonight?"
"We're going to smoke with Alex. You should come"
"I don't know Alex. I think I'll pass.."

None of my friends can come up with anything else to do, but when I think about it, if we were doing anything else it would end up being one of those nights where we all call it a night and go home. I had a half an hour between the time I got out of school and the time I started working to relax. All through out my shift I kept thinking about what I wanted to do tonight. I'm now sitting at home on my bed, counting my tips, and eating food. I'm really used to being alone lately. I'm used to being let down with my plans that I make. I just wish for once someone told me what the plan is. I want to be picked up, and taken wherever. I don't want yes or no options anymore.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

We were fated to pretend

Tonight at work Katrina told me about how life changing her first year on her own was. How that's when you learn the most through experiences, partying, part time jobs, you draw some conclusions and for once start to have your mind set on what you want. In a way, I'm excited to cut myself free from all of the things I'm tied on to in this town. It's scary. I'm scared. But I mean, that's really when I start my life. I watch her. And she's living how I picture myself in about a year. That's what scares me the most. Just one more year.

When I walked in the door tonight my dad was in his room, I went in and said goodnight. He asked how my day was and I said "I'll tell you about it tomorrow." Just a minute ago he came and knocked on my door and asked if everything was alright. I said yes and then asked why. He said, "Because, you said you'd tell me about everything tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure that every thing's alright." Every thing is alright. I just simply wanted to tell him about the details of my day. I said, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's all good. Don't worry." and he said, "Okay, good. Now I can sleep. I love you." I gave an I love you, back. And that's what I'll miss if I ever leave this town. Leaving everything that I've ever known. Leaving family. I know I'll meet new people, I'll make new friends. But leaving family is different. I want my dad to do things like fix my car, and help me move in. I want to have him over to my place and cook dinners for him and Susan. And then I think about myself in California. When I only see him every couple months. It's hard to think about being away from him at all.

I know it's supposed to be something every senior in high school looks forward to, moving out, being on their own. But really, I can't picture coming home and not seeing my dads face.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I'm the same as I was when I was six years old

As a kid, whenever we'd play tag, there would always be a "Base." I always included that in the rules every time I'd play with anyone, even if they didn't want it. It was a "Safety zone" that you could step into and stay for a couple seconds to catch your breathe and then your resume running from the one chasing you.

It's funny to think about it like this, but maybe the games we played as kids had subliminal messages. Maybe there was a lesson tied on to all of them.

I have my own little safety zones, still. I have multiple. My safety zone is Stephanies house, in her dark room with her light that spins reflecting blue across the walls. Wrapped up in blankets. Whispering in each others ears. My safety zone is behind the wheel with Cammisha, when we drive past people we know, saying things they can't hear. While we listen to our favorite songs and tell each other things no on else can know. One is my work, with unfamiliar smiling faces that watch me walk by their tables with a pitcher of water. My coworkers that mean the world to me. Ones that ask you about your day and actually do want to know about it. Ones that make you laugh until you cry. Ones that do things like group hugs. People that actually make you feel the love.

These safety zones are my chances to catch my breathe. snap out of reality in a way. To regain my composure before I'm thrown back into the game. I can't picture life with out them. And I don't want to. I need my safety zones, to save me for just a couple moments from the things that are chasing me down.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Worlds apart

The last time I was with my mom, was my last night visiting her in Washington. It was Cammisha, her, and I in Aunt Kris' living room. And we were talking about my dad. I told her to tell me everything about him. Everything I didn't know. I found out about his wife, that left him and left him with nothing. Literally nothing. A lawn chair, and a letter. And at that very moment, I gained a little more understanding towards my dads attachment.

She told me about all the years I can't remember. And about the times that she never really wanted me to remember.

But what I always will remember, for the rest of my life, is that night in the living room. She began to tell me why she left. Cammisha sat in a chair across the room from us. Popcorn, and cups full of ice cream scattered across the table between us. A movie playing in the background. Our suitcases packed sitting by the doors. And that feeling in our stomachs knowing that this is our last night until we seperate into our different worlds again. A feeling that's been familiar to me since I was six years old. It's the hardest thing in the world for mothers to be away from their children. I know that. She wanted to be there for my first day of high school. She wanted to be there for my prom to take pictures of me before I left. To be my jury in between mine and my dads fights. To watch me grow every day. To be there for me through the empty nights. And to give me rides to friends houses when I couldn't drive. My mom looked into my eyes and I watched them start to water up and turn red, "I did it for the best. I did it because I love you kids more than anything in this world and I knew it was what I had to do." I started to cry. And Cammisha began to cry. She said, "I did it because I love you. Do you know that?" She did it to save us. She did it so I wouldn't grow any anger towards her during her worst point in her life. She did it because she didn't want to put that on any of us. She cried and while looking down she said, "You know that I love you? I didn't leave because I didn't love you boys. You know that right?" I waited until she lifted her head and said, "Yes." And she slightly smiled. "I know that." We are the most important things to our mothers. Mothers love us no matter what. She needed to say that to me, for so many years. And all of those things, I needed to hear.

I'd like to find that councelor that fed them lies and destroyed their trust. I'd like to go back and remember what it was like. But I can't. Being there with my mom just made me feel like whatever has happened just doesn't matter anymore. I thought about that point in my life when I wasn't allowed to see her, and I remembered how scary it was to me as a child. The thought that I don't get to spend my whole life with her by my side. But I was sitting acorss from her, looking into the eyes and smile that match mine. And I felt safe. We love each other through everything. We have each other no matter what. I felt grateful.

These are times I will never forget with my mom.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Knock me out and shoot me down

What I'm trying to figure out, is where to let out my anger.
And how to not channel it into hate.

Most of all, where this even came from in the first place. Because really, I don't even know. And I've already made plenty of bad impressions on people that haven't seen me in so long.

I want to learn to smile again, instead of shooting blank stares.

I feel like a monster

and let me tell you now. I'm not what you think I am.
I'm not held together as securely as you think.

You are not alone.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Forming into something

A lot of the past few days have been such an echo. After school, all the cars flooding out of the parking lot were full of people driving with their friends. And there I was, silently in my car, on my way home to change for work. After work, a Friday night, the apartments next to my work had their windows open and music playing and a party going. It was obvious to me the night started a couple hours ago for everyone. And I was walking to my car. I drove to work on saturday and I even saw old friends drive past me in traffic in their Oregon Ducks clothing on the way to the football game. Me, driving away from them in my work outfit.

I feel so tied down for a pay check that comes every fifteen days. But honeslty, it really doesn't feel worth it. I spend it all to feel better about myself. And sometimes it really doesn't help.

I love my job. I really do. And everyone there.
I just feel like I'm growing up way too fast.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Everyone's caught on

All the first day has taught me, is how sheltered I keep myself..
It gets lonely behind these walls.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer

It's the last day of my summer break and I'm sitting in my basement listening to songs that remind me how good this summer really has been for me. I'm stuck here becaues my cars below empty. I'm broke. And I work in two hours. And tomorrow, I start school. Senior year. This summer wasn't everything I expected, infact it was everything I didn't expect. I've found so much these past three months that have completely spun my world into a different direction. I met people that I never thought would become such a big part of me. And I had times that I will never, ever, forget. I won't forget all the times spent at the rockslides with my best friends. Or sleeping in tents in backyards. Nights spent parked in parking lots talking. And days spent laying in the heat for hours by the pool. I don't want this to end. Even if I know tomorrows the starting of so much more.

I'm scared. Because after graduation, where are we all going to be? Where is everyone going? Where am I going? All of these summers we've had since we were young, was this the last one together? Our last summer young? Moving forward is scary. Especially when you feel like it's impossible to slow it down.

'We trace the sun across the sky
And we laugh till we cry
Always so hard to say goodbye.. Goodbye.'

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


'It's the caffeine, the nicotine, the milligrams of tar
It's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my car
It's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain
It's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the pain
It's women, it's the plight for power, it's government
It's the way you're giving knowledge slow with thought control
and subtle hints
It's rubbing it, itching it, It's applying cream
It's the foreigners, sight seeing with high beams, It's in my dreams
It's the monsters that I conjure, It's the marijuana
It's the embarrassment, displacement, it's where I wander
It's my genre, It's Madonna's videos
It's game shows, It's cheap liquor, blunts,
It's bumper stickers with rainbows
It's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils
It's the monitor, the soundman, it's the motherfucking mic levels
It's gas fumes, fast food, Tommy Hil' mommy's pill
Columbia House music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs
It's bloods, crips, fives, six
It's stick up kids,
It's christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicks
It's the east coast, no it's the west coast
It's public schools, it's asbestos
It's mentholated, It's techno
It's sleep, life, and death
It's speed, coke, and meth
It's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breath
It stretches for as far as the eye can see

It's reality, fuck it, it's everything but me'

Monday, September 7, 2009

I broke into a million pieces

I love falling asleep in different homes every other night. And leaving before anybody wakes up, to come back to my own bed, to sleep for just a couple more hours. I loved you two driving all the way to my house and knocking on my window this morning to wake me up to take me out for coffee.

It's so great that most of my friends aren't friends with each other. They're all so different. And they all bring me into completely different worlds. I love that last night it wasn't hard at all to open up to anybody that I came in contact with.

It feels good that for once I am my own person.
I'm not the third wheel. I'm not a part of anybody.

I love being out of fucking "groups"
I'm so happy that for once I'm not defined as somebodys somebody.
I'm not defined by anybody else.

I'm happy. I'm free. And I'm proving to myself and to everybody else that I really am better on my own.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

"I know the man I am is not who I should be.
The Devil takes my hand and says, "Child come with me."
My body shivers and aches. I can't break free.
Why do the things I hate come so naturally?

Will I know it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it when I see it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it when you're here?

I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.
I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before."