Worlds apart

The last time I was with my mom, was my last night visiting her in Washington. It was Cammisha, her, and I in Aunt Kris' living room. And we were talking about my dad. I told her to tell me everything about him. Everything I didn't know. I found out about his wife, that left him and left him with nothing. Literally nothing. A lawn chair, and a letter. And at that very moment, I gained a little more understanding towards my dads attachment.

She told me about all the years I can't remember. And about the times that she never really wanted me to remember.

But what I always will remember, for the rest of my life, is that night in the living room. She began to tell me why she left. Cammisha sat in a chair across the room from us. Popcorn, and cups full of ice cream scattered across the table between us. A movie playing in the background. Our suitcases packed sitting by the doors. And that feeling in our stomachs knowing that this is our last night until we seperate into our different worlds again. A feeling that's been familiar to me since I was six years old. It's the hardest thing in the world for mothers to be away from their children. I know that. She wanted to be there for my first day of high school. She wanted to be there for my prom to take pictures of me before I left. To be my jury in between mine and my dads fights. To watch me grow every day. To be there for me through the empty nights. And to give me rides to friends houses when I couldn't drive. My mom looked into my eyes and I watched them start to water up and turn red, "I did it for the best. I did it because I love you kids more than anything in this world and I knew it was what I had to do." I started to cry. And Cammisha began to cry. She said, "I did it because I love you. Do you know that?" She did it to save us. She did it so I wouldn't grow any anger towards her during her worst point in her life. She did it because she didn't want to put that on any of us. She cried and while looking down she said, "You know that I love you? I didn't leave because I didn't love you boys. You know that right?" I waited until she lifted her head and said, "Yes." And she slightly smiled. "I know that." We are the most important things to our mothers. Mothers love us no matter what. She needed to say that to me, for so many years. And all of those things, I needed to hear.

I'd like to find that councelor that fed them lies and destroyed their trust. I'd like to go back and remember what it was like. But I can't. Being there with my mom just made me feel like whatever has happened just doesn't matter anymore. I thought about that point in my life when I wasn't allowed to see her, and I remembered how scary it was to me as a child. The thought that I don't get to spend my whole life with her by my side. But I was sitting acorss from her, looking into the eyes and smile that match mine. And I felt safe. We love each other through everything. We have each other no matter what. I felt grateful.

These are times I will never forget with my mom.