Monday, August 27, 2007

It's been a while

Since I have posted anything on here.

The blogs on my myspace are marked private for a reason. The blogs I don't mind people reading I put on here. The ones I want to keep to myself I put on my myspace. Please don't ask to be put on my prefered list.


Things have been so good. The summer's coming to an end
no no no no non ononononononon no no non no non nononnono!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Waiting to hear "I'll be okay."

Tonight was hard, and tonight was scary, and tonight made me realize that I have no room to complain. About anything. I learned how hard it is to see a family member of yours suffering. I learned that some people just don't care enough. I realized how scary it is to have the feeling that your brother isn't going to make it. And I learned that no matter how late at night, no matter what the situation, you always should pull through for your family.

My dad came into my room tonight and told me "David's having a hard time breathing. We need to get down to sacred heart." So we ran out to the car. My dad and Susan were arguing about who's going to drive. At this point I really didn't care who drives. I just wanted to get there. I wanted to know what was going on. And I wanted to see my brother. Every car seemed to be going to slow, every red light seemed to take so long, and everything my dad and Susan would say seemed like they weren't taking this seriously.

When we got in there I saw David, with his head laying on Alyssa's lap (His girlfriend) I could hear him breathing deeply. I could hear it from when I first walked in. I walked as fast as I could to get over to where they were sitting. When I asked Alyssa how long it was going to be until he could get in and see a doctor she said "probably another hour." I saw other people that seemed to have no problems and they just walked straight in. And that upset me so much. Some guy in crutches went straight in. He seemed to be doing just fine. He was smiling and laughing. Another man came in with a rash, he got straight in also. While my brother is sitting in this chair gasping for air. I couldn't take it. It was so hard seeing my brother in this much pain. He had a migraine on top off all of this. He gets them just about every day. That's what started all of what happened tonight. The medicine he took for it is what caused an allergic reaction. Which caused his throat to swell, and made it hard for him to breath. The migraines control his life. I hate that. I hate seeing him like this. For the first time, in a long time, I saw my 22 year old brother cry. I knew he was in so much pain. I just wanted him to get into a doctor.

One of the doctors came out and told us "It will be a little longer"
Well thirty minutes went by, and we saw many people coming in, and many people coming out, but David was still sitting in that chair in pain. We asked the doctor why David isn't in there yet and the doctor says "Oh sorry, I got side-tracked." That's bull shit. It shows how much he doesn't care. Another thirty minutes went by. His breathing was getting worse and worse. I kept seeing him daze off and we'd call his names a few times and he wouldn't respond. It scared me so much. I wanted to yell at that doctor. I wanted to throw something. I wanted David to keep breathing. I wanted him to say "I'm feeling better."

Well, he finally got into a room after an hour 1/2. He could barley walk. He was stumbeling. I couldn't stop asking if he was okay. I just wanted him to say "yes." but unfortunatley he couldn't even speak. I wanted to stay there for the night with him and alyssa my feet were planted on the ground in that room and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave until I heard him say the words "I'm feeling better." But I never heard him say that. And I don't know when I ever will. Because after tonight's over the next day will be another migrane, and another one, and another. It's such a terrible way to live. I want him to be able to be happy.

I still wonder how he's doing tonight. Keep him in your prayers. Thank you

God bless

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Go to this URL

I would like to hear peoples opinions, or questions, or whatever

Thank you


I keep turning down peoples offers to hangout
I've been like "I just want to be lazy today"


Thursday, August 2, 2007

Lies, lies, and more lies

I really find it hard to tell if you're telling the truth, or lying most of the time. I really see you as a compulsive liar, which is weird since you're such a good friend. And I'm not saying you're a bad person, and I'm not saying all you do is lie lie lie. Because everyone lies. All of us. I remember my English teacher told us to live a normal, social life we all have to feed each other little white lies. Because when you're so straight forward, and always say the truth, it probably will make people see you as brutally honest, and cold. But there's a difference between little white lies every once in a while and lying all the time, about things you don't even need to lie about. I know how it is. I used to lie compulsively. I don't even know why. It's like it became a habit. Anything that I didn't feel comfortable admitting I'd lie about. I would lie sometimes to make myself appear better then I really am. Examples? Saying all of this stuff that I've done, that I really haven't. Bragging about all of the things that I've accomplished that I really haven't. And lying about things I didn't want to admit? I did that all the time. When people would ask if I wanted to come over "Oh I can't. My dad said no. Sorry" You've been doing that so much lately. And maybe a lot of the time you really can't hangout. But I'm just so used to your lies that I can't tell if it's the truth anymore.

Lies come in all different forums. Sometimes the lies you tell are lies when you try to make yourself appear as something you're not. It's almost as if you're trying to give yourself an edgy, bad, image. I don't know. You lie to yourself too. It seems like you have put together all these different personalitys in yourself. I almost don't know how you really act. Because everytime we're around our other friends, you change your personality, once again. I don't know. I just wish you knew how to act yourself. You still tell yourself that this IS how you really are. But I just don't know if I can believe that. Why try and be all these different people, and why try to adjust your personality, when you can just be whoever you want to be? Why lie to yourself saying "This is how I am" when you know it's really not.

"We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.”

It seems like the more we try to defend our lies, the more upset we get. And we start to make our selves believe that the lies we tell, are really true.

You probably don't understand all of the nonsense that I just said.
I just need to vent