Saturday, October 31, 2009

You don't have to be alone

"If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I'd still have all of my friends."

We left because of you. And I hope one day you learn to stop passing the blame over onto everyone else. I feel sorry for you, because I know you want your friends again more than anything. I should of never talked to you again. Because I know it completely messed with your heart. I do miss the fun we used to have together, so much. But I liked the things we did, and the places we went, all the things that made me happy, more than the base of our friendship itself. It was good. It was really good for a long time. But I know better. I know that anybody that can't feel love for themselves isn't going to be able to be the friend I need them to be. You drove me into hate, too. And it was ruining so many things around me. It's hard because, I don't want to be your friend, and you're trying so hard to make it like it used to be. Every day that I've re spent with you, the only words that came out of your mouth were negativity towards people that really care about you. And it wrapped me back to the beginning.. You never appreciated the things you had.

I hope you will let yourself hate me. Because I won't be the friend you want me to be, not again. I don't have any desire for it back. It's hard seeing the excitement in you when we're all around. Last night I knew how hard it was for you. I can say in your position, I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I couldn't believe the things they were saying to you. It's hard seeing you cry, and knowing how unhappy you are. If you think it's cruel that I push you away, when you need the opposite so badly, you have to remember I still have feelings. I am not heartless. Maybe this is a perfect time for you to for once, take care of yourself. Now that there's nobody else to worry about. I do have hope for you, and really, I do hope for the best. I want to see you happy. Last night, when you were in the same room as emilee I hope you saw it as a perfect chance to put everything that happened with her in the past. You have spent two years trying to let go. Do it now. Don't let yourself stay in this rut any longer. Run away while you can.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Fair was never a part of the game

'I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning with out you on my mind. So you're gone, and I'm haunted. And I bet that you're just fine.

Did I make it that easy to walk in and out of my life?'

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cammisha stayed at my house last night. And she listened to me. And for a while we sat in silence, because there wasn't much to say, but she was there. And I'm just happy about that. She fell asleep long before me. I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking. It made things a little easier when I woke up this morning to see my best friend across the room sleeping on the couch. In the morning we drove to school and it was silent. The whole time. When I was walking to class, she texted me.

"Last night I had a dream that we were at a bank and every man in front of us looked sketchy, looked like a robber, and we kept getting tense, and nervous, but each one would receive their money, and then walk away quietly. As we approached the counter the man who was standing behind us who looked completely normal, one we never were scared of. he pulled out a gun. we ducked down in front of him. In front of the counter. As he proceeded to rob the bank. Out of the whole group of people, the one we least expected to rob us, was the one who did."

She said, "It's weird finding messages in our dreams. It feels like our unconscious mind can completely spell out what our awake mind is trying to say."

And it's true that fear is the heart of love

Last night before a couple hours of tossing and turning. I read over our message one more time, and I fell asleep feeling better. Waking up was the hard part. Going through today was the hard part. But I keep fighting to remember that it's okay to feel like this. I don't have to pretend I'm okay. I don't have to push this away, at all. Because it's real, and it happened.

"I just want to know how do you let go of something you don't want to let go of, something that you thought you've always known."

"Why do you feel like you need to let go?"

"Because I don't think I get it back this time. I don't think I can go back anymore."

"there are a lot of questions I could ask, like if you love her, and if you feel like you need her...or if you feel like part of your happiness depends on her being around. it just depends. If you really feel like you need to let go, then do it. it's not about knowing how, it's about making a conscious decision to do it. a lot of people skip that step."

"It's really hard. Because I feel everything you described. I do feel like I need her. It hurts because she said "there's no reason for falling out of love, it just happens" She destroyed us, and I feel like next she will destroy me.
And I'm all I have left."

"michael, you're allowed to love her without being around her. it's just a different kind of love. love what you had and what could possibly come. keep positive thoughts. that really is so important...because the more you look at it as a bad thing, the more it will hurt, and harder it will be to move on. as important as I believe love is...the love for yourself is far more important. love yourself and let go if you really feel like it's what you need to do. take care of you right now."

And what helped me the most..
"do not be afraid of feeling lost or confused or scared.
because if you work it out in the end, it will only make it better.

...Never be afraid of the things you love."

Dear Michael,

"I'm about to write you a meaningful letter to you, so when you're reading this, set your phone aside and enter a quiet room.. Let me list some of the things I love about you. I love how you randomly hug me throughout the day. We always act as if we haven't seen each other in a long time, when really it's only been a few days at the most. I love your smile. I love when you look me in the eyes. I even love the way you walk. There's something special and unique about everything you do. I love how sometimes when we kiss, you'll put your thumbs through the belt loops of my pants to pull me closer.

My favorite nights of the summer are the ones spent with you, doing things like eating Arbys, going to Blockbuster, and ending the night in bed talking.
I love who and how I am around you. I even notice a difference in my laugh whenever I'm with you. I love how the smallest things you do can bring me comfort, or make me want to lean over and kiss you. Like, when we're holding hands, and you'll lightly move your thumb over my hand. I may sound like a creep, but it's the little things like that, that I notice most.

I can't even imagine you doing all the things you do with me, with another girl. This may sound selfish, but I never want you to feel the way you do about me for anyone else. I know that I could never feel this way about anyone but you. Each and every time I see you, I fall more in love with you. I'm in love with you and all the things you do.

That one night when we were in my backyard with Jimmy and Pj, we ended up talking about who we'd end up marrying and I said, "I really wonder who I'll be married to later on." I secretly wanted you to get sad about that, or elbow me and hint towards how you wanted us to stay together in the future. During all that time, I could honestly picture our lives together, staying together.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I hang on your every word

What hurts is when I was there with you, you weren't happy, and when she comes back in, you are. I can't help but point it all towards myself. I was there with you through the lonely nights and I feel like you forgot that. I know, you wanted it back more than anything. But why is it that whatever she does or says can bring you up so much more than what I say or do?

And why is it even when you are happy, I still feel like you're looking for the next best thing?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

It fits into place, fits in this place

Sometimes it doesn't take much to flip everything right side up again.
We just have to wait.

Last night I talked to my friends that I thought didn't want me around anymore, I woke up next to Stephanie. Laying together, showing each other songs. I came home with Cammisha to my dad making us hot chocolate. I'm ending it in my room, reading. And I guess sometimes, I don't feel alright until I know what's coming up. Until I know what's in front of me.

I'm going to be okay. This year isn't going to stay like this. I'm falling into better times.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Good morning

"Wake up, It's eleven"
"I just wanted to sleep in this morning, I don't get to anymore."
"Get up. Maybe you shouldn't of been out all night last night."
"Dad.. I came home at 11. Are you serious? I came into your room and said I was here and you mumbled back lock the door, two times."
"I don't remember that at all.."
"Of course you don't. You were half asleep. But before I left I said goodnight again."
"Do you think I'm lying?"
"Yeah I think you're lying. What else would you do?"
"What? Dad, who would I be out all night with? I don't have anybody to be out all night with."
"You were probably at Stephanies. And I know her dad wouldn't approve."
"I wasn't, dad."
"You have a serious problem with telling the truth."
"And you have trust issues."
"No, just with you. Maybe if you got up your grades, and showed up on time at night. Maybe if you cleaned your room when I tell you to."
"Why is it that you still yell at me about my room, even when it's clean? Doesn't that say something."
"What's your plan when you're 18? Obviously you don't plan on graduating. But what else?"
"Thanks dad. Stop there. Don't talk to me."
"I hope you plan on moving out. Since you're 18, I don't have to keep you here. And I don't want you here. Our lives would be a whole lot easier with out each other. I'd start saving to get away from me. Maybe when your moved out, you can prove to me that I can trust you."
"Don't even try for my trust. Don't trust me, dad. If I'm exactly what you say I am, all I'll do is lie to you, let you down, and make you dissapointed everytime you say I'm your son. Your life probably would be easier with out me. I can't say the same. I hate you for doubting me with everything I do."
"And I hate you for giving me reason to."

I left.
And came back to money on my bed.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Need you like water in my lungs

I don't look forward to my weekends. I dread them. It's just three days in a row to make me hate everything just a little bit more. Everyone panics to find something to do, and someone to be with. Anything to keep them away from being by themselves. Like me. Sitting in my room, and waiting for my phone to go off. But I guess this is easier. I was excited to get off work tonight. But when I asked where you were you said, "I have no idea." And I knew asking you any further questions would be a waste of time.

Everyone else didn't respond to my texts, or answer my calls.
Everybody is the the middle of their nights when I'm just trying to start mine.

It's been really hard for me. Tonight while working Jimmy looked at the tip bucket and it was overflowing. He goes, "See. This is why were here." and I go, "But I want to be with my friends." and he says, "I'd rather have clothes than friends." And then he laughed. And I know he didn't mean it. But Jimmy really doesn't see his other friends anymore. And I don't either. We work together all night, go get food, and then go home usually. It's hard because this year, for once, everybody has left me. And everyone says, "They obviously just weren't good friends then." But that's not true. They keep moving, and I haven't been in the picture. I have been missing out and it is nobodies problem but mine.

It is okay to be alone. It's okay to feel like this. To be depressed.
It's hard to feel like everyone else in your life is miles ahead of you. It's hard feel the loss of things you really loved, or to question if you really loved it. It's hard retracing tracks, and going over what has gone wrong. It's hard saying yes. And it's hard saying no.

It's easy to be alone.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Ineloquence and anger

I just want an answer for why you talk to all of these guys that you don't even know. Why you get enjoyment out of leading them on and then telling me to not worry. And how do you not notice it, when you're doing it? I don't talk to girls that I don't know the way that you do. Even when "It's just cause I'm bored." I don't give out my number. I don't tell them to text me.

Yeah, I know, nothing would happen.. I know you're not going to fall in love with every boy you speak to. But why should I even have to get jealous of it in the first place? Why is it that you get "Bored" so often. And why is it that I have to worry about the things they say to you?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm a mountain that has been moved

It's weird staying put in a place like this.
It's like, I feel like I can't get any lower, but I can. I know I can. And it's strange, because when you lose everyone, you end up with people that you'd never expect.

Sometimes you wind up in places that are usually the last place you'd ever want to be again. You're speaking with people that you walked away from. You settle for things that you promised yourself that you would never go back to. And you feel weak. And know that you look weak. But it's all you have.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

That rain that kept falling

I don't have anything to hold onto.
At least it doesn't feel like it anymore.
Everything I love has backed away from me.

I have never felt so alone.

I don't know who to look to help bring me back up. I don't really know how to bring myself back up. I don't want to take a break. I want to come see her at the end of a shitty day. And tell her all about it. Because really, I don't know who else to tell. And she has always listened.

I don't see it in the same way. To me when you're going through a hard time, you don't push away the people you love, you pull them closer. You let them see you at your worst stages. I know I just won't see her temporarily, and I know I should be used to that. But this is when I needed her the most. I thought she needed me too.

I don't want to edit out the sad parts. I want you here.

A stereo and a pile of cassettes

"Your love in a car
and you promised her every thing
not knowing what every thing really was
She's the first girl you kissed
She's the first girl you miss
when you're feeling like this

broke and in the dark

Her hair was a setting sun
her mascara was born to run
you got scared when she started to show
one more thing you'll have to let go"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It's like it's all we have

'So I'll run away to the hopes that I have
but still I fall asleep in the arms of my past
and when I wake so helpless and thinking of that, just lay back down again

every day'

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

May 14th 1992

One thing I try to avoid ever feeling is insecurity. Most of the time, I love myself exactly the way I am. I do care about looking good. And I do it for myself only. Everything I buy, everything I wear, is because it's what I like. I've grown and I've fixed the things I've always wanted to change, and learned to love the things that I can't change.

I try to remember, there is no such thing as ugly.

My mom was on a lot of medication for her migraines after she had my two brothers. I was not a planned baby. It was actually really rare that I was born in the first place. Technically, she was in a place where having a child was a very little chance. When she found out she was having me, she had to go through genetic therapy, or birth therapy. She became dependent on the medication the doctors put her on and when she found out she was pregnant, she had to be taken off of all of the medications at once and left with the pain. But still, she was pregnant with me, and the medication was taken before she even knew I existed. They told her I was going to be born with birth defects. Which is why the therapy was needed in the first place. They said there was a high chance I was going to be born without a jaw bone and with out arms below the elbows. Or, just no elbows. When I was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and they were fighting to keep my alive. My mom said it was the scariest feeling in the world not knowing if I would make it or not. I was born with a perfect face. Jaw bone, and all. Of course, she knew that before, from the ex rays. But she said when she saw me, she knew I was such a miracle baby.

I am grateful for the way I turned out. And for the fact that I'm alive.
I don't feel insecurity anymore because I know that I am meant to be here and that I am meant to be this way. I'm happy to have a mother that loves me, and that I know how to love myself.

Monday, October 5, 2009

When all the years broke down, and the truth opened up

This weekend Justin came into town. I spent my summer staying on the go, and staying busy, and pressing "Ignore" every single time he called. And not because I didn't want to talk to him. I did.. Because he's my best friend. But I was scared. We both moved at the exact same time, from the same neighborhood. He moved to Cottage Grove. I moved to Coburg. And from freshman year until now we had only seen each other one time. At one point I decided I was ready to put mine and his friendship in the past. I felt like I spent too many years wanting it back.

I answered his call this time. And he said he was staying at his Aunt Hollys. Their house used to be mine, too. In a way. I was always there. Or he was always at mine. It was rare that we ever had a day apart. Everyone knew we were best friends. And it always shocked everyone, because of how "opposite" we are. Even though we completely balanced each other out. I didn't hesitate on saying yes to coming over. But I did pull over just to gather my strength to keep pushing on my gas peddle to get to his house. And I kept thinking, "Why is this so hard for me?.." I was scared of what it was going to be like. I was scared because whenever we'd text, I never even understood what he was saying. I didn't know what he was like now. He doesn't know what I'm like now.

We walked to the park. One we used to always go to when we were younger.
He told me about the place he was sent, for troubled teens. And I asked why he was sent there.

"Get this. I was beat up. Really bad. They slammed my head into a fucking pole." I had noticed the scar tissue on his face that went deep into his cut right above his eye. "And after that, I started to feel crazy. I thought for some reason everyone was reconstructing their faces over the summer before they went back to school and felt like I had to reconstruct mine."


"And then I didn't think my mom was my mom."
"Justin.. why.."
"I don't know! I thought it was somebody else in her body. She was saying things all weird, and shit. I told her to get out of my house and started throwing things at her. Nobody around me felt real anymore. So she called my uncle to come pick me up, and then he takes me to this place and tells me that I need to get help or whatever"

I didn't feel scared anymore. For a second I thought, "God. He's insane now." But I realized Justin has always been different. He said, "So I was sent to this place. Where all you do is stay in a room with another crazy person. You eat. You sleep. And then you do it again. We did these activities to gain points and to better our selves. I left there with hella points and a couple bottles full of medication. Multiple pills that I have to take every night to balance out the chemicals in my brain."

Later that night we sat out on the back porch. We were smoking from this really big hookah that Kayla has. We were out there for about three hours. It was freezing. All the neighbors around his house were having parties because the football game had just ended. There was multiple genres of music playing around us from each house. We talked about a lot. I got him caught up on a lot that has happened to me, and it felt like he didn't have much to catch me up on at all. He remembered so many things that I forgot about. I told him that surprised me, and he said, "Well it's because it's all I have to look back on. Our younger lives. The past three years all I've done is sit around at home, and smoke cigarettes. There's nothing else to do in that town. I don't have any friends. You're my only friend." And even though I do the same, I'm just so glad he still considers me his friend. He adds on, "We've always been best friends, you know?" I pointed out were still exactly the same. I said I always pictured graduating with him in my class. I always pictured being on Luella street. He lit another cigarette, "It's funny how things end up, huh?" Just about every couple hours he'd say, "I really like hanging out with you again. We need to more often." I'd always just say, "Yeah, I know."

That night we went to Taco Bell and bought a bunch food. We came home and watched music videos. Kayla was showing me the new tattoo she just got. Kayla used to feel like my sister, too. His other sister Hannah had just gotten back from a concert and was so excited, showing me pictures of her meeting the lead singer. And I felt like I hopped right back into all of their lives at such a random time. But it was like I was never gone at all. I felt like I was back with my family and the only thing that was different about them was the way they looked. I fell asleep in the same room as all of them and at one point woke up and felt so.. good. Looking around. All of them spread out on the floor and the couches. I know that some things, just don't come back. That nights like these, nights that used to happen over and over again, narrow down to every once in a while. Every couple months. Every other year. Sometimes they never happen again. I tried to hold onto that feeling. I was hoping maybe I could change that. Maybe since I have a car now, I can go pick Justin up more often.

The next day during my break at work, I drove him home. On the way I asked him when he'll be coming back again. He said, "Probably in a couple months." When I expected a couple weeks. I asked him if I picked him up, would he be able to. He said his dad will probably say no. We got to his house and I wished we hadn't. I didn't want to picture my passenger seat being empty again. He thanked me for the ride and we "pounded fists" before he got out. He said he'd text me.

I already really miss Justin and I'm not sure when I'll see him next.
But I know, and he knows, that our friendship will always be one that can never be forgotten, broken, or changed. I will never forget that night.

Friday, October 2, 2009


Tonight I worked my last shift with her before she leaves for California.

The whole way home I cried. She's one of the only people I've ever met that genuinely cares about somebody before she even knows them. For this first month of my senior year, I sometimes felt like she was my only best friend I would talk to at the end of my day. She was who I spent my weekend nights with from four until ten. She made me feel important when I told her things that everyone else would see as unimportant. She really rubs off on people. She really gets people attached. I'd see her friends, or people that know her, come into the restaurant all the time, and they'd be talking with her, and laughing, and she always knew what to say. She always was good with anything on the spot, and then she'd get busy, and have to walk away and they'd still be there and you could see that they just wanted to her to come right back.

She taught me to drop things that shouldn't stay in my head too long.
She made me laugh my real laugh.

I learned a lot about people and myself because of her.
She has changed me in so many ways.

It's hard letting go. Especially with people like Katrina.
She will always be such a big part of me.