Fake it till you make it

I'm thinking about what Bryant was like when I first met him, in the Portland airport, when we both ran into each other there while we were waiting for our planes. And what he was like the majority of the time we were friends. And it's what makes me hate that he left, so much. He was spontaneous and consistent. No matter the period of time in between, it never came in between. We never stopped talking after all the times we flaked out. And he still always asked, "What are you doing this weekend?" when he knew my only reply would be, "Work"

But what Bryant did, taught me a lot. From the day I picked him up in the parking lot at school with his dog, when he told me he lost everything, from the times having to go pick him up at Motel 6, the nights driving around with him when I couldn't even get him to respond to me, when he couldn't even function, figuring out where he's going to sleep. The lies to his friends, and the lies to himself. The trip to the airport that had no reason behind it. Taking him to Corvallis just to take him back. Every time we would be driving, I would look in my rear view mirror and look at him sitting with a blank face or laying down and asleep and kept asking myself, "What happened?" I honestly felt like he died. We said bye three times, everytime was supposed to be for good. And then a couple hours later it would be, "Can you come pick me up?" He set out his whole life like it was ruined and he focused on it being ruined, when in all reality, when nobody really knew, it was still all together. I believed him through everything, and I don't regret that. I refused to leave him at the airport, or to even take him home. But what happened after the airport is where the lesson really came in. It was hard taking him back to his house, and I was still stuck in shock when not even the slightest bit of emotion came out of him when we actually pulled up to the front of his door.. "It's time to go home.."

I didn't hear from him for two days. Nobody did. Nobody wanted to. Because he made us feel used, foolish, and upset with how emotionless he was towards everything. His exit failed, and when I dropped him off that night I thought for sure that would be the last time I'd see him. But two days of all sleep pass, and I get a call. And what Bryant tells us is hard to believe. It didn't all add up, that he just couldn't remember anything. But it didn't matter.. He was talking, and eating, and breathing just like a normal person again. He was home and he was okay. And he was still leaving, but it wasn't just something he was convincing himself this time. He was back to exactly what I remembered. I wasn't scared of him anymore. We were with him, and we were laughing, and it's like everything that had happened just didn't matter. What he taught me is that it doesn't matter what happens to you or what everyone believes, if you can make yourself believe something and make yourself jump into something that quickly, that's all that matters. He went back to normal just like that. And I know he was still unhappy, because in reality, he was still running away because he didn't know what else to do with his life. But he forced himself back to his old ways for his friends, for his family, for his pride. What Bryant showed me was that we can make our lives into whatever we want it to be. Where we are, and where we're going, is all under our control. He showed me that to get back up on your feet again, you have to make yourself believe all sorts of things. We're all stuck in something that we can't get out of. And I feel like sometimes we have to force ourselves to let things be okay, even if we're not. That just because everything feels destroyed, doesn't mean you should keep destroying. Just because you feel like you lost your grip, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get it back. And when you truly believe you can't, do it anyway. Fight against your negativity, your grudges, and your fears, or else they have control. And things slip away so quickly when you let them.

I don't know if he'll come back. And I don't know why people always leave at the worst times. But I'm realizing more and more that it's time to focus on my next steps, too. It's time for me to fight against the current.