Monday, February 22, 2010

So please forgive what I have done, no you can't stay mad at the setting sun

I feel like such a let down. It's so much easier to be by myself lately, and it's so hard to talk with anyone these days. Because the same thing keeps racing through my head. And I keep chocking on my words because I've been trying to do the opposite of what I've felt everybody else around me has been doing, saying things that sound nice, but not really paying attention to what they mean. Contradicting what they say they believe, making plans that won't happen. But most of all I've held back on speaking because I know that once words come out, things will never be interpreted in the way you meant for them to be. And the day that they understand exactly what you're feeling, will never come. I've kept my thoughts safe because I've felt you have to hold close the only thing that's yours.

I'm depressed. And I've been looking for a core reason but it's really just a combination of things that have been eating away at me. Things that keep occurring every single day. It's this nervousness that won't leave me alone. I've had too much time to recognize my feelings and find truth in things that I've been overlooking for a long time now. Nothing has ever felt so real in my life. I've never felt so fragile.

The other night I finally went out, to expose myself to faces and places and try something new, even though I knew it wasn't something I was ready for. It was nice spending time with Sydney again. The whole night didn't go the way it used to go, self wise. I looked around the party and everyone was having fun, and I at least can pretend but I wanted to feel it. I was pissed and so annoyed with myself for not even socializing like I could have been. After we left, I knew Sydney had a good time. But the whole drive I couldn't stop myself from thinking. We had really good music playing really loud and she looked at me smiling and said, "I love times like this. When you feel nothing, and nothing matters." I nodded, and agreed. But my eyes started to water up because I wanted that exactly. I couldn't. Because the whole time I would be looking out of the corner of my eye wondering what they were texting about, or thinking about my dad waiting at home, and thinking about how at that very moment I was breaking all the promises I made him on the first night I came back home. I was thinking back to the conversations I had that night, and thinking about what I could of said instead. I felt like nothing could get me away from myself. No person, no song, no substance, no liquid, no miles, no pill. I've been questioning my meaning so much lately. Not my purpose. My meaning. And I know there's worse things than being alone, I do. but right now I'm thinking that I've had too much. I've never felt so out of place. And I've never felt so much that I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. More like a burden than a cause. I can't speak up, and I can't care for the things I love like I should. I never wanted to break hearts in the process of mine being broken too. But my dad just confronted me about the empty bottles in the cupboard, and in about ten minutes he will get another call from the school about how I missed the whole day. And now I can't get around to see the people I want to see. And all my promises are turning into nothing.

I've spent too many days ignoring calls, and driving away from the places I should be. But now my car's broken down, and my thoughts are too heavy. And for once, I just want to be saved.

4 comments:

Molli said...

you should never feel weak for asking for help, michael. remember that. it takes a strong person to surrender.

Matilde Franz said...

Well, I don't know exactly why I am here . I am an Italian girl who was searching for some pictures/polaroids and then I arrived here and looked at your photo and read your words.
Very nice and poetic
and also deep and sad.
I wanna tell you that "taking pictures" saves me from "those grey emotions". But if there aren't any more films to use, I draw and if I brake my last pencil, I sing, watching the sky and the horizon.

I am here if you want.
Matilde from Italy.

Stillwalkn said...

You sound like someone who is passing through what is often referred to as The Dark Night Of The Soul. There is light at the end of the night. But it seems so terribly dark.

I recommend you not go through this alone. Even though that is your inclination. Even if all you do is cry, it will help you to connect with another person.

Preferably somebody who knows what it is like. You are no worse than anyone else. No better and no worse. So you have nothing to hide. People just pretend all sorts of bullshit.

Even if you have to pay somebody like a counselor to listen to you, it will be worth it to know that you are not crazy or weird. Come out of hiding. We need you.

Michael Fitzgerald said...

molli, I've been thinking about what you said all day. and you're so right. I guess I've just been feeling like I've run out of places to turn to, and even though I know there's people that love me, I don't know how to stop myself from thinking this way. it feels hard to get out of the control my thoughts have over me.

and thank you so much, both of you. It's so extremely helpful to know that I'm not alone in this. It amazes me how much writing in here has changed my life. and even if people can't always put together the words to say to me, it means the world to know there's still people listening.