Drop The World

I've got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind.

I can hardly talk to people anymore, even the people who love me the most. Because everything that runs through my head I can't even put into words, and when I try I end up feeling like it's misinterpreted or made into something else. The things that I've seen and the things that have been played out in front of me the past few months have changed my world. And I'm feeling so far from everybody else, but I've never felt closer to myself. I've let fear and anxiety take over the majority of my life and can hardly enjoy myself wherever I am. I feel so closed off. As lonely as I've been, I still haven't been left alone. But it's my biggest fear. And I'm just in shock with how fast things can happen, all at once.

Cammisha moved out, so the house is more quiet now. But last night she came over and even though it was a bunch of silence, through our car rides, or sitting in my room, at one point she asked me, "When do you think this started?" And I tried to think back.. Which is what I've been trying to do for a while now, think back to the last time I was happy, and figure out what took me away. But I couldn't. Then she asked me, "How will you get out of it?" And that question keeps burning, too.

Yesterday, I forgot my own dads birthday. And the only thing he got from me was an argument over the phone. By the time I realized it, I was rushing to get home, and he was already going to sleep. Tonight I looked through pictures of the dinner they had, and felt disgusting not being able to say I was there. I've been torn apart, and torn away. From just about every single thing in my life. The last shift of work I worked was on Saturday. Mon pulled me to the back at the end of the night and told me she's changing up my shifts for personal time off. When I asked her why, and she said, "I look at you from when you first started, and you now, and see something missing.. And I think the best thing I could do for you right now, is to give you time to yourself." And I was thinking, "I already have enough of that." But I took it anyway. It's funny how most of the time, when I think I have things hidden so well, I don't realize how obviously they're being displayed. How when I think what I'm doing is only changing my life, I'm changing the lives around me, too.

These past few months have pushed me to rely on my own strength more than ever before. But I'm learning, and I'm keeping all these thoughts sealed safe in the back of my mind. Because all these things I've learned are things that nobody can ever take away from me. A strength that can never be broken.