Voice On Tape

There's something about my phone calls with my mom lately that make me so upset. Most of the time, we play phone tag. It's me on her machine, it's hers on mine, and then a couple days later one of us answers. But she always sounds so concerned when we talk.. It's what made my brothers stop calling. It's like she doesn't listen when I tell her the good things going on in my life, and she only asks about the bad. Every conversation is, "Are you happy?" or, "Are you and your dad okay?" It's what she always warned me about when I was younger. When I was little I would call her every single night, usually at the same time. No matter where I was. Even when she was in the same town. I couldn't fall asleep with out her saying, "Goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams." I love mine and my moms relationship, that I could still feel so close to her when I was only hearing her voice through telephone wires or satellites. She'd say to me, "I'll worry every single day for you guys. Wondering how your day went. Wondering if you're okay. And when I call it's the only way to make sure.." I'd say to her everytime, "I'll always call you, mom."

I look at family now, and everyone around me, and realize as you get older it really does become one of those things that I never wanted to imagine. Family calls family to see how they're doing, because it's been a while, because they need to catch up, because it'd probably be nice to let them know you're thinking about them. But then it's all this catch up and small talk. My mom says things like, "How have you been lately?" or "What's new?" and I hate that. My mom is my best friend and we don't need catch up talk.

One time when I was really young, we were at Harry's house and we were both in the basement sitting on the couch, I think it was one of my last days being there because the same conversation came up again. She said to me, "Your brothers stopped calling.. and it's okay. You will too." I said, "I promise I won't." She said, "It's okay.." And I kept saying, I won't, I won't. She didn't respond so I started pounding my hands into the couch and started crying, "Mom I will never stop calling you." She hugged me and I put my head into her shoulder. She rubbed my back and kept saying, "It's okay.. I believe you.. It's okay.."

I miss her so much. I miss our roadtrips together.. Staying in hotels more than staying in homes. Waking up in a hotel room to the smell of her brewing coffee, and hairspray. I miss making her laugh. I miss the ways she used to entertain me and how hard she tried, mine and my brothers happiness is the most important thing in the world to her. I miss the strength of the two words, "It's okay." and how okay I felt when she would say them. And to tell the truth.. I feel like I've let her down. I hate my brothers for not seeing what I see.

I feel like I call her at my worst points, I feel like I put even more fear into her, that I'm something else to worry about. Sometimes it feels like everything I hate about my life, she tries to hate with me too. And all I need really need, to see how ridiculous I can be, is an echo. Today when she called she said in a concerned tone,
"Do you have to work all weekend?"
I tried to sound positive, I said, "Yeah! I do."
She then says, "So the semesters over?..." I say, "Mhm."
"And did you pass you classes?"
"No.."
"What are you going to do? Does dad know this ahead of time? Will this be a surprise to him?"
"I think he knows.."
"Will you tell David to call Grandma? He never called her on Christmas."
"Mom, he won't call.."
"Has Matthew still not talked to you?"
"He won't even look at me."
"It'll be okay, he'll forgive.."
"Maybe. I have to get going though, I'm leaving for work soon."
"Okay, I guess I'll just talk to you later this weekend?"
"Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow."
"I love you, Michael."
"I love you, too."

And I hung up frustrated. Thinking about the words, "It's okay." And wishing they felt the same, wishing she didn't have to check what else I'm doing wrong. And not only am I starting to feel like I've made her fear, but I'm starting to feel like I've abandoned what we used to be.