I've come up for a million different reasons to hate myself because of this. I keep repeating in my head things I could have done or could have not done, and destroying myself over it little by little. But this is taking me nowhere. I know that sometimes, when you're in a warm place you want to stay there. Even if it's a place that's unhealthy for you to be.. But to get to a better place, a warmer place, you have to go out into the cold. I know that sounds so dumb, but that's what I've been scared of doing for the past year. Going through the part where you're not here. And even when you're physically not here, not letting you be more than just a part of me.. I'm keeping a promise to myself to not let myself be taken over with anger because even if what we have is terrible now, I don't want to touch what was once good. I don't want it to be looked back on as something different than it ever should be. It was what it was and I'm starting on my way to a life without you.
This doesn't feel like all the other times we ended. I have never felt so away from you or myself. This is a pain that I'm not used to, but because all the other times I still had so much faith in me left for us, but that's shrinking. That should be gone. What we have is done, and that is it. I miss you and I shouldn't. I've been told I shouldn't, and I feel like it's so wrong of me to still feel anything for you. I still want us back so bad, and I'm so angry with myself for that, for never being able to give up. I have nothing but myself and my regrets, and I want to hate you for this, but I'm thinking one day I'll thank you for this.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
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9 comments:
I know this sounds so straight forward, but I feel so bad for you. That's not the thing you want to hear because that means you have something I should feel bad for. But you know you do.
I've tried to give you advice and I feel sort of silly because it didn't work. I know we don't know each other well and you've told me little of what actually had gone on...but I know...I really really do know that you loved steph, michael. and every time that austin and I would end things for a short amount of time, what truly kept me going is reminding myself that MY feelings WERE true, and that I am positive on what I felt. take pride knowing that you stuck by your feelings the whole time, even when the world was against you, and even when you were against yourself. loving and losing isn't as horrible as it sounds and when it's over, and the pain is gone, remember that the whole time you stayed true to everything you had once said and once felt...because not everyone gets that kind of chance in life. to love someone else without wanting anything in return.
One thing I can say is I promise you gave me the best advice I was given from anyone else even with a little amount of information. What you said really was spot on with how I felt I didn't give up on us for so long because I knew that I loved her too much and she was too important. I still don't regret what I feel for her but its so hard to not put the blame on myself for all of this because I don't understand how I could push her soo far away, so fast. It makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. You're right about what you said.. that I have to push through and keep pride in what I felt. Its just hard right now cause what we had has turned into something I never wanted.
And what's different this time I know its not just a period of time, but for good.. and I just feel like there has to be more reasoning to this, but I'm really trying to not look into it anymore.
last night austin and I got into the biggest fight. it wasn't even a fight...it was more of me begging him to be with me and him telling me no. I can't remember the last time I cried so long and so much. I told him I hated him over and over and over. I woke up this morning and cried some more. and now I'm sitting here...and even though everything I felt last night was true...I love him. I don't have all the answers and I can't always tell you what to do. but sometimes I think you just know...don't you? you deserve someone who loves you like you love them. and for me...I want that person to be austin just like you want that person to be steph. but I've gotten to the point that maybe my love and everything that I am isn't enough for him, but it will be perfect for someone else. and it's that way for you, too.
my aunt always told me, "it's okay to love whoever you want. and it's okay to love someone and then let them go. I don't believe in sole mates. that sounds too lonely. no one said it was against the rules to fall in love more than once." and at the time all I wanted her to do was to shut up. but the more I think about it now and the more I cry about wanting austin to love me, the more I realize that I AM lovable and someone else WILL love me. I just hope that I can be capable of falling in love again...
I feel like I contradict myself a lot in that because I'm torn to go both ways and I'm really hoping I can figure it all out. and I'm REALLY hoping you do, too. because I know you're feeling the same way I do, and I know that it feels like your heart was literally ripped out...and I know it hurts so bad and it feels like it'll never get back to the way it used to be. but it will. I promise you...it will.
You're right, sometimes I do know the answers. But I think I look for reasons why I shouldn't leave over the reasons of why I should. Like, I have all the reasons in the world to move on, and that's what's so hard about this whole thing.. why haven't I? I want all the good in her and I want all the good things between us to stay because I can't picture them in anyone else and I can't picture feelings those things without her.. but it doesn't mean I can forget about what has lead us to this point, all of the things I chose to ignore. it's so hard, I know exactly what you mean when you say you're scared of being capable of falling in love again. and not only do I fear that, but the things I fear more than that are that she won't remember me like I remember her, that I won't ever find someone that made me feel the way she did, and that we'll never be involved in each others lives again.. but I've always believed that negative thinking turns to negative outcomes so I'm really trying to turn this all around. It's just so scary right now going through life without her.
I really hope you know this all means a lot to me, molli. thank you so much for caring and listening.
I keep doubling on all my comments.. aha. but when it comes to you and austin I really do hope you can do the things that you said to me. what I realized the past few days is that I kept loving steph because it's the easier thing to do.. I mean.. not really, because it was really hard. but it's a lot easier than not having her in my life at all. it's weird, because just with in the past few days every small amount of love from anybody in any form means so much more to me than it did before, I guess that's the way it works when you're hurt. but there really is so much more love coming your way all the time that I think isn't noticed, when your attention is sitting somewhere else. I've really never met someone who has kept so much faith in love like you do.. and I wish I could do it. You don't let pain get in the way of altering your view of what you once had and I really think you should be proud of that and of yourself. The fact that you know how to never stop giving love a chance really does mean a lot.. stephanie told me that I was the first of many and it sucks to hear that, but it is true.. I could give your advice you gave to me right back at you, because I reallly do think you will find someone that loves you back.
you're right. loving them is the easier thing to do...especially when you've seemed to forgotten a life without them. we choose to break our hearts because it's something that comes whether we want it to or not. moving on, getting over it, letting go, finding someone else...that's...hard. it's unknown, uncomfortable, and frightening.
and the thing is, is I don't want to fall in love with someone else even if it is for the better because they won't be austin. and everything I loved and enjoyed about austin, whether it was his laugh or the way he treated me. or how he understands everything that I'm feeling...someone else is going to do it different and I'm going to hate them for it.
the hardest part is what if I leave and it ends up being a mistake and I can't go back? I know that everyone keeps saying "you're young, go live life" but what if THIS is it? what if this is my life? falling in love young and promising myself happiness with someone who I know deeply cares about me? I'm 18 years old. old enough to make my own decisions and sort out my own feelings.
my life has been so terrible and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that when I can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, austin will just tell me "nothing is wrong with you" and I know it's true and I know he means it.
I know it's hard. and I keep saying this...but you're lucky to have this experience and you're lucky to know what falling in love is like...because even when it's bad, it's beautiful. I hope the best for you and steph, and know that you're not alone. don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're less of a person for following your heart, especially if they can't relate. because learning to listen to your own heart is one of the hardest things you can do.
I never really knew how to explain to anybody what it is that kept me from moving away from her and opening myself up to someone new, but really that just explained it. I've always said that nobody can do for me what she did, and I mean that. it's really easy to focus on just the negative things with us but there was so much more than that in our relationship. I don't want to stop loving her either, because you're right.. It's like walking away from something that you might regret walking away from. It's too important to walk away from. I think it's good to remember that you don't have to walk away to move on though. even if it's hard to have him in your life in a different way, isn't it still nice to know he's there?
I feel like without her in my life in any way shape or form, I'm losing so much of myself in the process of losing her.. you're so right. I'm so lucky to have loved her and I'm so happy to of had her in my life at all, but it's like, what do I do with myself now? What do I do with my love for her now when I can't get through to her in anyway. How many times do I have to hear that she doesn't care about me? I guess that was the problem, even if I was still in her life we really wouldn't be friends.. it would be a friendship where one person is in love with them. What I'm trying to accept is that with her or with out her in my life, she still doesn't love me.. either way, it's just me that's still trying to hold onto it..
it's hard to believe right now...but you're going to be okay. I promise you.
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