Room 257

I don't understand how I can go from sipping champagne in a hotel room with my friends, laughing so hard that I'm falling off the bed, watching a movie- to having my emotions taken over by you just a couple moments later. I should of looked at that text differently, the one I got a 4:00 in the morning. "I'm going crazy thinking about everything we've been through." I said, "Just call me." You said, "Sure." I went to a stair case by the room and sat there shivering. I wish I hadn't been drunk but I still remember all the details of the phone call. Even though the phone call somehow seemed to take away any feeling of intoxication that I had just a couple minutes before. I don't think you'll ever know what you have really done to me after last night. It's little things like getting on facebook this morning and seeing "Add as a friend" It's knowing that if I texted you, you wouldn't reply, if I called you.. you wouldn't answer.

You said, "Lets wait to talk about this on Monday like we planned."
But I kept saying no, because I needed to now.

"What do you want me to say.. there's nothing to say.."
"I just want to know what you want."
"I don't want to be friends, Michael. We can't be friends. We never were friends."
"You don't have to hate me or push me away to make me move on.. You can't do that to me. If you really cared you wouldn't do that to me."
"Then I guess I don't care, Michael."
"I'm not talking about loving me. I understand you don't love me. But you don't want me in your life at all?"
"No. I don't. It can't be the same anymore."

I was trying to breathe quietly between crying and shivering and it felt like I'd go on with that for so long while you'd just listen. And I think what mostly what would get to me is when you'd stop me and say, "Give it time. I promise you'll be able to forget me. Just give it time.." Like that was the only faith you had left in me, helping me break us apart. I said, "You never cared. If you did you wouldn't be doing this to me right now.. Please don't do this to me."
"I did care."

I say "If you don't care then why are you on the phone with me. If you really didn't care you wouldn't take the time to listen to all these things I'm saying to you. If you don't care, then hang up on me."
"Michael you need to hear all this. I don't want you to have no answers."
"But how could you want me in your life at all? How is it so easy for you?"

Everything I'd say, your response would sound like a wrap up of the phone call. Or like you've heard it all before and you didn't want to bother explaining again. "I just don't care for you anymore.." I said, "If you really don't care, then hang up on me." And the call is ended. Every feeling I feel for you was still rushing through me. All I wanted was for you to stay on the phone. When I asked if you wanted to see me again you said no.

I unlock the rooms door and pushed aside all the bottles and set the key down, stumble down the stairs to my car and drive home. My phone started ringing over and over but I didn't answer, I kept getting texts saying, "Where are you going? Don't drive." I didn't want to go back, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to be anywhere. I wanted to disappear. I walked in through my front door and apparently it was loud, because it woke up my dad. I knew he'd be upset because he didn't want me out late and I didn't check in. He walked into my room to me laying on my bed in all of my clothes on top of the sheets. I didn't want him to come close because I was sure I had the scent of alcohol and cigarettes so I went under the sheets and tried to turn away from being able to see him. He did a laugh where he exhales loudly through his nose and walked away. And it wasn't a "Haha" laugh, it was more like a, "You're pathetic" laugh.

I kept thinking why can't you love me?
What's wrong with me? And kept thinking about you saiyng, "It's not anything you did."
I got too tired to think anymore.

I fell asleep feeling absolutely alone, and worthless.
I woke up feeling absolutely alone, and worthless.