Babylon

I'm either too tired, or too out of my normal state of mind to speak. there's only a couple hours out of each day where it's not like that. I feel okay because I really don't feel a thing. But I have a lot in my head that hasn't come out to anybody. I'm forgetting all the things I like about myself and staying hidden instead. Every day has felt like a lesson, maybe a replacement for me not going to class. I've learned more in the past few months than school has ever taught me.. But I'm also failing all of my classes. And I'm always getting letters about attendance officers, or alternative ways to graduate. And all of a sudden all I can think about is the one thing I hate to think about the most, the future.

Confidence is so important, and it's what I'm lacking the most right now.

I'm scared for my dad to come home and once again rub in my face that I'm a failure when he gets a call from the school tonight. Today I'm staying in my room, I'm not leaving. I'm not driving away. I'm not going to smoke and I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to stay in my room and let myself be, instead of pulling in distractions. I don't think about much anymore, and if I do, I don't say anything about it. I hold it in. I haven't actually been alone for the past couple weeks. I mean, I'm not lonely anymore. You can't be when your best friend is living downstairs. I'm trying my hardest to let myself, and let things be okay. To not alter anything. And to not react to things and see if they go away. I'm leaving everything untouched for now, and just watching things pass me by.

I miss Matthew, and I think that's just one of the biggest things that has been eating away at me the most the past few days. How do you tell your own brother that you support him going into the army when you really don't know if you do?
He says, "I don't care if we never say a word again."
He doesn't see I'm trying.

I put it together and I thought, if it's what he wants, really what he wants to do, I have to accept that. I put it into words and I sent him a message, I kept it short, I made it simple.. But it was ignored. Just like my texts, just like my calls, just like when he's at the house and he won't even look at me. I feel like once I wasn't a child anymore, was the day he started hating me. For ruining his weekend nights when he was a teenager, for getting in the way of the things he wants. Maybe he hates me because he thinks I don't understand him. He's leaving in three months, and I don't just want to be a grudge that he's holding. I want my brothers back. Both of them. We don't even feel like a family anymore, I hate when my mom asks me how they are and I always have to say, "I don't know I haven't talked to them in so long. I miss them." And then she goes, "You miss them? Michael, I talk to David about three times a year." And then the very next day it's the same thing again, "What's going on with Matthew and David?" And once again.. "I don't know.."

Matthews at the house right now, and I'm too scared to even try saying anything to him or open my door. Cammisha's still at school and wont be home until tonight, and my Dad and Susan are still at work. I have no one around me, and I have nothing to distract me. So today I'm going to trap myself. Today I'm going to let it all in. But mostly, I'm going to forgive, and I'm going to drop my grudges, too. Because grudges arent all just anger. But a fear that picks away at you as you hold it close.

Today I start on dropping my grudges against myself.