A cold comfort for change

I want to go back to that phone call. I want to take back taking those shots, and emptying those cups. Every little detail matters. But that doesn't mean it would change everything. I didn't understand you stopping, but I know you did love me. Every break up, every single time we ended my friends, my family, everybody important in my life would tell me to not go back, and I always did. Because when you'd get confused, and you'd give yourself space, you'd come back again and say you still love me, and I knew you meant it every time. I took us back every time because it wasn't dead. It did all mean something.. That no, we weren't perfect. But we were real.

I want you to know that every single thing I've written, said, or felt for you has been 100% real from the bottom of my heart. But that phone call, that night.. was me at my worst. It was an absolutely desperate, crying, scared, hopeless version of me. And the whole time I was making myself think of things that I ignored, things that I never objected to, things that I always pushed aside for us. I thought about nights when you were so unpredictable with what you would do, like Halloween night, when you wouldn't know what to do with how you felt, so you threw it at me. But it never led me to stop forgiving, or stop trusting.. I trusted you the same in our relationship, I trusted you the same as a person. But most of all I cared for you all the same. I stuck by my feelings for you no matter what we went through. I kept my love for you because it was too important to get away from me..

It's like I go through these outcomes and I try to make them as good as I can.. You broke up with me, but you still love me, that's okay. I'm okay. And then, You don't love me, but you're still with me, and that's okay. But when you don't love me, and when you don't need me, and when you're not with me, I'm not okay. And I know you're not coming back, and I know that I have to keep moving.. but I still carry you with me. That's the hard part. My feelings for you are still with me. And I'm okay with it.. What I felt for you was real, and what I feel for you is real, and I can't push it away on my own. The other night at work Cammisha said to me, "Not trying to stop your feelings for her is like knowing you have cancer and not fighting it. You have to find your cure." It gave me chills and it really got to me, but every single day I'm realizing that it has always been impossible for me to just stop. That I feel like walking away from something I can never get back. Maybe once this gets easier, once everything doesn't feel so heavy, it'll be easier to put those feelings in the past.. I know that one day it will be okay, I will be okay. But it's so hard to picture when you were always what made me okay.

I am so sorry for saying you didn't care.. Maybe disliking me makes it easier for you, and maybe even that will fade into nothing one day. But maybe we just don't understand each other anymore. What I always loved about you is you always told me that people are so often misunderstood, that their actions don't always define them enough.. That there's so much more behind what they do, what they say, what they are.. I badly want so much from you that I know I can't have, but all that I need from you isn't to understand me, or my feelings for you, or what I want, because I know that you can't do that anymore. I just want you to understand that I know you loved me.. I really do.. No matter what we went through, you couldn't have loved me better.. and to know that I have always loved you. Maybe that doesn't mean a whole lot to you but really, that means everything to me. Because everything we were, is all that I have left.