Special Needs

I was going through my old facebook messages tonight in my inbox, just because I don't really know how to make myself fall asleep anymore, and there was this message from you that was sent in July. I was at Kyles house and he was on the phone with Rayven, while Nick was asleep on the floor. And we were sending video messages to each other back and forth. And I remember that night, kyle was getting annoyed cause I kept laughing loud and was scared I was going to wake up his parents. Tonight I scrolled back up to one of the videos I forgot to watch and it's just you saying, "I love you, Michael." And I felt how amazing it feels to hear that. I think about our conversation last night.. And I still can't even put together words to say back. I'm stuck in between feeling shock and repetition and I don't know what to believe anymore. All of a sudden everything that has hurt so bad these past couple weeks has me thinking, "Then what the hell was that?"

The whole time I was out last night, I couldn't even speak. I kept repeating in my head how all I've been thinking about is you. I thought about the things I was pulling together, and the things that were pulling me apart. The past few nights that I had to get high just so I could stop thinking and fall asleep. I drew myself away from everything and the whole time would be defending us whenever I'd talk about it. Defending your feelings for you. To everyone, and to myself. I'm thinking.. even if it was a short period of time, how come I still loved you through out every minute of that hell, but you didn't? How could you now? What brought it back? How could you say it was never going to happen again, make me draw all these conclusions, and then bring me right back to where we started?

I'm at a loss for words, and actions. We both want to be in each others lives but I'm starting to think maybe it's for different reasons. That you need me when you need somebody to fill in a space, and I always need you. That maybe you want me around, but in a different way, a way that you can distance yourself from every once in a while because it'd be a friendship, and it'd be okay to do that way. A relationship, a steady relationship, maybe isn't something you're ready for. Something you can stick your feelings to.

I keep seeing myself in so many different ways, but don't know what one seems better. A life where I move on with myself, or a life that I move on with you. I've thought about me leaving town at the end of this summer and thought, my life will keep moving both ways.. But what about while I'm still here? I still love her. I do want you back in my life even if we're nothing but two people that love each other, even if we're just friends, even if we don't know what we're doing. When I asked if you were busy, it's because I wanted you to come over. I called and then I hung up. Because I didn't know what I'd say.. I want you back but with a brand new start. Maybe that's what I was starting already without you. But you're here now.. and you do care, and I felt it from the day you said you didn't. And now my plans and beliefs once again have taken a sharp U turn and I'm stopped facing ahead and trying to figure out where do I go from here? Where do we go from here?.. And the question that I kept pleading out on the phone is repeating again, "Just tell me what you want.."