Blame the blame on a broken heart, when you pack it all up and you make a start again

I've been pushing myself into situations that usually would take a couple hours of sorting out pros and cons before doing. And I've been around faces that I'm not used to, and it feels nice. Because even if sometimes it's scary for me, at least I'm not standing still anymore.

Moving on is hard. But I feel like I've collapsed in every single way, and rebuilding myself means that I have to stop trying to build us. There's still not a day or a night where you don't cross my mind. The places I go I wish you could come with, and when I'm laughing so hard I want you to be, too. When I'm home by myself I want you to be with me, and when I'm on my way home from work sometimes I want to take the exit that goes to your house. But then I'm bringing myself back to something that I'm not sure is meant for me anymore. I get so frustrated that you are so perfect for me, everything I've ever wanted, but can't be what I need. And I guess that goes both ways.

Susan tells me that relationships are all about being fed off of each others emotions. And it's hard to be certain with two people that aren't certain.

"Sometimes I'll be out, and I'll be wondering what she's doing. And even when I know she's at home, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Or I feel like I'm missing out, and it starts to stand out so much to me that it shouldn't be like this. That she should be here with me too. And even when she's not, I should be able to know we're okay, and I'm okay, and I can enjoy myself."
"What does it feel like when you're with her?"
"Safe."
"Safe.. it's important that you just said that."

I changed subjects and somehow with her silence, and her glances, she got me to spill out things that I haven't been able to say to anybody else in my life. And when I started to think about it, her telling me that safety is something that I am always wanting. It made me realize that whenever I'm away from the people that I care about the most, I'm so afraid of being left alone. Scared of peoples change of mind. And some of my worst days with anxiety are because I'm scared of what their next moves are going to be.

"Did you ever used to be like this?"
"Maybe I was, but I just looked past it."
"What about your fear of people leaving?"
"I usually left first."

In some of the most difficult things I've gone through, I've relied on us to pull me through it. Giving up on us is giving up on one of the best parts of my life, and one of the things that has the most control over how I feel every single day. You've been with me through everything this past year, but I'm going alone on this one. And I'm being placed in front of things to contrast and compare. This or that. Here or there. With you or without. I could be in love and afraid, but what if without you, I'm still just as afraid. What if I'm stepping out of something that I won't be able to get myself back into? What if we both change into the people we've always needed each other to be, once we're both gone. It's hard to love yourself when it feels like you're going to end up hating yourself for doing it.