Monday, March 29, 2010

Now I just sleep beneath your floor, and my ghost just tries to keep you warm

Every single day is another thing I remember, and another thing I try to forget. And I'm not even really sure where I'm taking myself anymore. All I know is I'm taking myself away from everything I can't keep holding on to. Admitting it to myself was what felt like the hardest part, but telling you was something I've never done before.

I just can't keep doing what I'm doing to myself. I've grown used to our pattern, and now it's all I can look out for. It's the hope of walking away with you still here. It's the thoughts of me leaving or staying when high school is over. It sounds so selfish, and complicated when I say that I need you now more than ever before. But I do. And that's the whole reason I'm trying to move on. The way I feel is still so heavily attached to you, you're still a part of my every day even when you're not around, but the fear of you not staying is getting more and more scary.

I'm terrified. Because if I keep killing different parts of me to make things better, how is it that I'll be happy in the end? And I've always told myself that if you're in love, then nothing else should matter, because it's enough. But now I'm thinking.. it's really not anymore. No matter how much I want it to be. Every single part of us was beautiful. I wouldn't take any of it back. I will never agree or believe that you walked away everytime because you didn't care or love me enough. But I will always believe that it meant something. Maybe there's things we've both been looking past.

'Because how I ever got to you, I have no idea.
It's like some secret door, well it just appeared.
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time.
you will always stay here in my mind.
I am certain of this and I am not certain of anything.

So I want to get myself attached to something bolted down,
So that these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around.
From when I land to when I leave
there is enough time to sleep and sing.
I keep running around, when all I want is to lay motionless.'

1 comment:

kelvin s.m. said...

..enough... just learn how to say enough...