Everyone's a building burning, with no one to put the fire out.

It's weekends like this that make me not sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Staying put in my house is something that I never liked to do. But I've loved it. I haven't left my basement and I've been with my brother the whole time. It's weird whenever Matthew and I spend time together, because we don't much. But each time we do I feel much closer with him than I did before. It's been so nice having him here. Bryant came over last night and I mostly just watched them drink and talk as we watched a couple movies. I've had friends stopping by for visits, and my dad coming down to check on me every couple minutes. This morning Alyssa woke me up and showed me the camera she bought for David. We talked about the trip, and ways to give him the camera by surprise. And I've spent the whole day full of excitement and happiness with the way things have turned around. The crying and the threats happening just a couple nights ago, didn't matter.

But tonight when I woke up I was still in a daze from the pain medication. And when I looked around the basement I didn't see Matthew next to me anymore, I just heard stomping upstairs. He came down and started gathering all of his things. When I tried talking, he wouldn't respond to me anymore. You can feel his anger whenever these type of situations happen and all of a sudden it felt like he hated me too. My dad who's out of town had called him and told him he's not allowed to stay at the house anymore. When he asked why, he said it's because Susan doesn't want him here. I pulled out my phone and stepped into the guest room, "Dad why does it matter? Why can't you make your own decisions? Is this what you want too? Or just Susan?" He hangs up on me. I hear Matthew on the phone with him now, repetitively yelling, "Fuck you." Susan is getting ready to go because she's just too uncomfortable.

I'm alone down here and so I try to make myself go back to sleep but I wake up to a text from Alyssa.
"I can't do this anymore, Michael. David's having his withdrawls again, and he's telling me to leave."
"Just leave for the night and let things calm down."
"They won't calm down. It's always like this. It always will be."
"It's not you, it's his addiction. It's not you."
"He's texting your dad right now to tell him we're not coming on the trip. I love you guys but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep trying to save your brother."

Matthew comes back down in anger and reads texts my Aunt Bee is sending him. It's always how our family is. Messages through messages through messages. From my step mom, to my dad, to us, it's never like it's supposed to be. My aunt bee says,
"Your dad says you can sleep in the Garage room. He'll talk when he gets home."
We're wondering, why can't he say this on his own?
"He says he's sorry, but he has to make his marriage work, too."
Matthew laughs and points his middle finger towards the roof where we hear Susan still walking around. I told him, "I hate this. It's never ending with all of us." We started talking about David. I told him I'm scared every day of him ending his life. Matthew told me about their phone call that night that put all of this fear into me. He said he never told anybody about it. When David was on his way up to the mountains, he called Matthew crying and mumbling his words, telling him he didn't know what to do anymore. They've never been close like that. I never would imagine Matthew being the last person he would call. But that's what scares me the most, it was so close to happening. And when Alyssa's telling me he left their house again tonight, it's all that is running through my mind. I stay still and I stay quiet, because I'm not allowed to know. More secrets, more hidden things that nobody knows I know. Matthew picks up his books and his work, puts on his back pack, and says, "I'll see you later." Susan walks out the door to go to her sisters, and I'm alone.

So much build up and breakdown for something that should feel free. I don't want to go on this trip anymore. I don't want to put hope into my family anymore. I'm making myself sick off of their problems, and I'm losing hope in anything staying stable. My life is starting to feel like a lie. And the silence in my house is unbearable. I want to call David to make sure he's okay. I want to call my Mom without her being worried sick. I want to walk upstairs and grab my bottle of pills. I'm starting to care less about myself being okay, and wishing everything and everyone else around me could be instead.