Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.

Me when I'm high, and me when I'm sober are two different people.
And I've spent too many days playing both of them that I'm starting to get them mixed up.

This mindset I'm stuck in dissects everything I think, before it comes out. I can't speak up when I don't think it will make sense. Plus, people seem to analyze things more by how you say it, than what you said. It's like I'm gone, somewhere else. I don't know if what you just said was really that funny. This song doesn't sound as good as it did when we were driving in my car. Things have felt so much more real with something going through my body and my mind. Some of the most important things I've learned or written down were when I was high. Some of the most amazing times of my life, and the most amazing things, have happened when I was high. Things were so beautiful. It's brought out so much that I try not to think about when I'm sober. Things that look so different when they're in a view of a different perspective. Stepping away, pointing a finger at anything and saying that it's what has put me here, just doesn't seem fair. And staying sober, makes me feel like I'm trying to run away from the truth. It feels like it's all I have now that can make me feel real. Like I've been gasping on my addictions for air. Whether it's drugs, or it's love. Everything I try to stop myself from doing makes me feel like I'm trying to push my way out of the truth.

It seems funny to me that when you're overtaken with emotions, the only thing people can think to say is to convince yourself to feel the opposite. Aaah.. don't cry. You're going to be okay. or Just try not to think about it. As if that way, it would leave me alone. It's hard to forget, when I'm still stuck inside myself. And it's hard to resist temptation, when it's sitting in your glove box.

The things that have made this mess are the things I want to hold the closest.
But all I'm trying to do, is do all of this at once, instead of breaking it into a million little pieces with a bunch of don't-think-about-it's in between. And every day is a battle in myself of finding out what I really want. But when the high goes away, or when I'm alone at the end of the night, I'm really never sure.

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