Hands down I'm too proud for love, but with eyes shut it's you I'm thinking of.

I can't control the fact that Stephanie's not in my life anymore. I can't control the fact that I still think about her. But there is no reason to slow down my pace. I've avoided letting my thoughts of her get to my head so much. Because I don't want to be distracted anymore by something I just can't handle. I don't want everything in front of me to be drained out by what I don't have.

But what happens when I settle? Is this why I'm so scared to settle?
Avieta tells me that I can't think like that. I can't let myself be overtaken by negativity again or else I won't keep moving. I tell myself every day that I'm always home.

Maybe one more time seeing her wouldn't even make anything better. There's always some absent feeling when I'm around her now. Now we lay next to each other but we don't touch, and it's a hug goodbye but there's no kiss. There's no I love you. There's nothing of what we had living, except for inside of us. And I just won't let myself get too close. Maybe I could have told her that I still love her, or I could have told her that I moved on but I never let go. That I want her to see my new place and that she can stay with me whenever she's in town. It might of meant nothing. And I'm almost thinking that her saying no to seeing me was the right thing.. it shouldn't have happened.

It was my choice to leave. I chose for us to go seperate ways. She might have moved on and let go already, and even if she didn't what would it change? There's no going back anymore. We're not together anymore. Tonight on my way back to town I talked to Avieta about all of the things I'm ready to embrace, and all of the things I'm scared to leave behind, and the things I'm scared to leave undone. I never once said anything about Stephanie. I'll never be able to leave her behind. I feel the distance between us every single day. But I will no matter where I go. There's a whole lot of things I feel I haven't settled here, but I don't know if they need to be. I don't think there's always going to be a conclusion to everything. And that's just something I have to accept.