Because the patterns they control your mind, those patterns take away my time.

I've never really known if I believe that our past supplies us with our feelings we have now. Or that the things we do are based off of what happened to us. Maybe with somethings. For me I've tried to always keep what's happening, with what happened, separate. I don't know if it's even possible. But there's one connection to my past that I can't ignore. Whenever I couldn't see my mom, or when I had no way to get a hold of her, I would spend hours on end awake. It was the only time I felt truly disconnected from everything else in my life. It wasn't so bad when I was out, or when I was doing something, when I wasn't alone. I used to call my dad to pick me up when I was at friends houses after they fell asleep, and I would cry on the way home. I grew used to not having her with me, but it was her not constantly being involved in my life, no matter what form it was, that would put a hole in my heart.

It's not just Stephanie. In fact all along maybe she really didn't even do anything wrong. I was attached and I wouldn't let go because I loved her so much. She wasn't the first to bring out my separation anxiety, and I linked too many of my problems to her. Problems that I've had all of my life. Problems that I still have today. Maybe the patterns of what have happened with my relationships are too drilled into my mind. When some thing's off with my friends, or when I feel like they don't want me around, I feel what I feel when Stephanie and I would be fighting. Or when she was ignoring me, or when she would tell me she doesn't love me. I take on so much by other peoples actions and jump to conclusions in my head before anything has even happened.

When I have everything I want in my hands I feel nothing but grateful. I won't let my mind slip into anything negative, and it gives me the strength to keep pushing for more until I'm fully satisfied. My happiness is so dependent on what I am given, and not so much what I give. Then I look at other people and see how differently they handle the opposite... A day alone is a day alone. It doesn't feel like the worst day of their life. An ignored call is their phone slipped back in their pocket, while I can't stop staring at the screen. I hate feeling like I'm not needed. I hate constantly feeling like I'm going to lose everybody I have. And I hate that most of the time, when I think some thing's going wrong, I convince myself there is no other possibility. I jump to the worst before the better. I waste so much of my energy worrying when I don't know the other persons intentions, and I go into panic thinking I can't get it back.

I'm never going to learn how to love again if I don't learn how to love myself. I have told myself this so many times. And I really do when I have everything I want.. But what about when I don't? Why do I feel guilty handling my own life when it's not involved with anybody elses emotions?

My past is my past. And what I have, is all that I've got. I'm not afraid to tell myself I'm wrong. I don't ever have to be the same person. And I don't want to follow a map I've carved out from my troubles anymore.