Lights of the cars go by in a stream, seems like I stand pretty much unseen. But I open my eyes and beams come out.

I've been feeling like my pain is more than just something I feel, but what I am. And not only have I kept myself trapped in it, but the people around me have, too. It wasn't intended really, but eventually I lost one thing, and others were taken away, and I've ended up on my own for a while. I go to class, and then I come home. I go to work, and then I come home. And if you can't find me there, I'm at Cammishas or driving. I haven't had a phone for a couple weeks, I haven't checked any social networks for days. I haven't called anybody, to see anyone. But sometimes I don't even want any of those things back. I liked the fact that nobody could see me or get a hold of me, that I didn't have to be anywhere, that I didn't have to make any plans that I wouldn't follow, that nobody was depending on me. And I wasn't depending on them. That I had nothing to check that would trigger my anxiety, I didn't have to wonder what they were doing. And I wasn't really reminded that they were still there. Some days were easier than others. Some nights Cammisha and I would drive by parties Avieta was throwing on our way home and I'd drive through a row of cars parked all over and list off whos were whos and then we'd speed off, and I'd forget about it. Or at least try to. But no matter what excuse I would come up with for why I wouldn't go in, it was really just I was too scared. It might not of been long, but it felt like forever. And I was scared to face my own friends. I hated the weekends before. So much. I hated hearing about every ones plans, and feeling like I had to have a million of my own. The fact I wasn't involved, the fact that it's because I stopped involving myself. Nights ended in disappointment, or anger. But the past few nights, work was the only place I wanted to be. And it did feel like enough. Dinner with my coworkers, and some nights ended early. It was all okay to me.

Every other day in first period, early in the morning, Jackson and I sit at our desks in the back of the class and pass a plastic bottle of some drink mixed with vodka back and forth, and then we'd move on to the next class drunk. He'd bring it because he had some things to forget, but I'd do it because I was more comfortable that way. And I knew how to talk that way. It's what I do with anything I put in my system. Take this so it won't hurt or even if it doesn't hurt, and this so I can focus, and this to calm my nerves, and this to make me sleep. I smoke because it brings me back to things I used to feel, without anything else. Sometimes without any of it, I just don't want to be awake. Anything to hide my shaky hands, and shaky voice. I feel like I've completely dropped any social skills I ever had. I used to feel like I always knew just what to say. I used to live off of that energy that I would get from being around people. And now all I try to do is stay hidden. Maybe I had my turn, living like that. But maybe I'm just wating for my turn all over again. Today the sun finally came out, and it's amazing how much that can change how we feel. Today I spoke first, and I did it without anything there to help me. I saw friends that missed me, and made plans I meant. Tonight I came out of my room, and I sat on the front steps watching the lightning across the field with my dad. I know that I don't have to be alone. But I know that's never what I wanted from the beginning either.

Sometimes it's hard to break out of what you're in when people are watching your progress every day. Listening to your plans, and watching for the mistakes in the things that you say. I needed to do this more than anything else, because it taught me something that I haven't been able to figure out from the start. That my life is mine. And what I feel does not have to be provided by everyone else. It's not their choice. What I'm doing is for me, what I want is for me, and being away doesn't mean losing it all. This is the first time I have ever put myself first, and already it's put me into a whole different perspective. For once I'm ready to sort out my own problems. For once I'm ready to start building off of what I want.