Left with nothing

I want so badly to be able to enjoy myself. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. I just want to always feel okay. But you can't feel okay with where you are if you're always wanting to go back.

I want to go back to the summer day in July when we went on a walk down that path by the river holding your hand. When we stopped at that bridge and watched the water, and kicked the cotton all over the ground with our feet. Going back to your house at the end of the day and lying in bed with you. That's one of my happiest memories, I can still feel what I felt that day when I look back on it. The time when we were sitting together on the couch at Justins while everyone was playing pong next to us and while all the guys were hitting on Sydney I felt so happy to be able to hold you closer and know you were all mine. Our road trip to Portland, with you in my passenger seat, letting you pick all the songs, being able to stop and pull over wherever we wanted to. Knowing we were going to be next to each other for the next two hours and knowing we'd fall asleep with each other that night, and wake up to each other the next morning. I wanted to see different parts of the world with you, even if it was just in our small city. And that's something we hardly ever did. I wanted to show you other parts of me that I couldn't show you in your house, or your bedroom. I wanted to get to know you more than I already did. I wanted you to call me when I was with my friends and I'd tell you I can't talk right now, but I promise I'll call you tonight. I wanted to take you to the movies and then take you to dinner and walk you to your door. I wanted you to stay at my house, and meet my dad. Take you to my work and show you off. Introduce you to my friends you never met, and spend time with the ones you did. Take you shopping and buy you things. I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I always was willing to wait. I always am.. But what I'm trying to figure out is how long can I do this to myself. How many times do I have to hear you don't love me anymore, to make me stop loving you. What the hell will it take for me to move on from you. All I know is I still want you in my life no matter what. Even if it's not the way I will always want it to be.

I think that's what is still so hard for me. I create all of these plans for my life, but you were always such a big part of them that I don't really know what I have set out in front of me anymore.