I'm diving deeper

Over the first part of my winter break I left for Idaho to see my mom. My plan was to actually leave kind of quietly, with out saying much to anybody. I needed to step away from everything and have some time to stop focusing on everyone else for just a little bit. What I learned while I was gone, is positive thinking really does put so many things into place.

While I was gone I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't have Internet to check a million different social networks because of anxiety. All I had was myself, my thoughts that I had been blocking out for way too long, and my mom to wake up in the middle of the night to talk to. The only person in the whole world that knows every little detail about me. I drew conclusions that I needed to draw.

I can still love until I can let go. But I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting for somebody to love me back. I can't let phobias be my only friends anymore. I have kept myself very sheltered the past few months, because that's what I thought I had to do. I was a lonely and afraid person. And I was somebody that I didn't even know how to handle. Just pushing myself out of my comfort zone the past few days has transformed the way I feel completely. There are other things to feel good about and other things to put my energy into. You can't move on from somebody when they're the one you constantly turn to. It takes other things, and other people. Otherwise it's like expecting to quit cigarettes, by smoking cigarettes. It's a comfort, and it's what has always helped you with everything else before, but it can't push you away from itself. It feels good to be able to follow through again. I'm back. I'm ready to step into things that are new, and I'm ready to feel okay again.