Please, please, please.. Slow it down

I'm just feeling a lot of different things. I probably let unreplied text messages bother me too much, but I really miss my friends. I hate that I'm always asking to see them and that they never want to. I keep thinking about this town, and the people here, and I keep thinking about me leaving it. It's scary, but that's the option that stands out the most to me. And for a while I was thinking, it's too early to feel this. To worry about this. But now I'm feeling like it's too late. Like I've waited too long to make a decision, and everybody else already has their plan figured out.

One thing I've never liked about myself, and my life, is how planned out it is. I've always wanted to be suprised with where I end up or what I end up doing, but usually I know exaclty what I'm doing, and know what I'm going to do next. When I shut one door, I know which one I'll open. But this is all so different. I don't know with this one. It's hard to tell what I want because I'm not going by what I want, but what I want with eveybody else. I want to stay here because there's people I love, and people I've been with my whole life here. Because this city has been my whole life. I want to leave because I feel like if I stay, it'll get the best of me. If I stay, I'm staying because of fear. Right now, I feel like there's a lot that's holding me down from growing and I want to break free from it all. I want to leave because people that were supposed to be with me the rest of my life are leaving too. People I want to be there for the rest of my life.

Eugene holds so many things that I love. And just talking about any of this is really hard for me. Even thinking about it. It's such a scary feeling, feeling like everything that you know is coming to an end. Like everything is wrapping up. It's so hard knowing that no matter where I go, no matter where I stay, I will be losing the things that mean the most to me either way. And the worst part, that this is my last year being young...this young.. and I don't even know how to enjoy it anymore.