You're the first thing, and the last thing on my mind

I hate this whole situation, and how I feel right now.
I've gone from being in shock, to being pissed, to being depressed.

It's really hard loving someone but having so much anger towards them at the same time. And what's even worse is that it feels like I'm in the wrong for caring so much. It feels like it's wrong of me to want this back. The other day I was thinking about how happy I am and how I always have something to look forward to. You gave me so much to look forward to. I was looking forward to the summer. When you'd be ungrounded. And when you could finally escape from your dad. And I looked forward to next month when I'd get to come pick you up whenever since he would be out of the country. And now I just feel so disappointed.

I think I need to keep in mind why I'm angry though.
That's something I really shouldn't forget. Because finding out about the things that I was lied to about was important. I needed to hear all of that. Because maybe I can't trust you as much as I want to.

But I don't want to settle with the fact that we're done.
And I really don't want to go back to that person again. That hateful person that doesn't put trust into anybody.

You really were good for me. Or at least I think you were.
But last night I saw a side of you that I've never really seen before. You seemed heartless, and careless, and troubled, and for once it actually felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. I hate when people say to me, "I know how you feel. That was just a waste of time." That's not how I feel and it wasn't a waste of time. Nobody is a waste of my time. She was not a waste of my time. If anything she bettered me into a person that I liked being. I was really happy.

I just don't know now.