A million hours left to think of you, and think of that

Tonight I turned down an invite to Jacksons with Nick and Kyle just because I haven't talked to Jackson for so long. It probably wouldn't be as uncomfortable as I was making it up to be in my head. I also denied an invite to Micheles party. At her house. We always talked about how much we wanted to have a party there. I didn't want to show up sober, with her drunk with all her drunk friends that I don't even like. Nicks mad that I'm not coming over there, and I wouldn't blame him. I mean, I cancel out so much when it comes to making plans with him. And it's really never on purpose. Something always seems to come up..

Truth is, I'm feeling really lonely lately.

I miss hanging out with Cameron. And all of his friends that I was introduced to through him. And Joseph. And Natasha. And most of all Justin. I spend years wanting the best friendship I've ever had back, and then can't even answer his phone calls because I'm too fucking scared. God, I don't want to even go on listing more. It's too hard. I hate even complaining about this. This is what I created. This was all for the best. I have put myself in the place I'm in right now.

Everywhere I drive past seems to be me driving past a neighborhood of an old best friend. Every part of the city, a memory with someone that I don't have around anymore. Fuck, I've been "best friends" with just about everyone at some point- and don't talk to most of them at all. I'm not even sure what the term "best friends" even means anymore. When I try to make plans with a group, it's like, sure. I have a couple friends here, and a couple there. But none of them are friends too. None of them mix well. It's really narrowed down for me. And I know that half of it is my fault. I pushed most of them away. But is it too late to say that I want a lot of them back?