I feel more like a stranger each time I come home

I really just need to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset.
I don't think I've ever hurt my dad as much as I did tonight.

"At least your brothers try and communicate with me, and try to get along with me"
"Dad, David never talks to you. And Matthew only comes around when he wants food, or money"

It's fucked up. But it's true. And after I said that it was silent.
Maybe everything you said before you dropped me off was true. Everything every ones saying about me, I'm starting to believe. Maybe I only do care about myself. Yeah, maybe I do try to live a life that I can't have. Maybe in the end, I really just don't give a damn about anyone around me. But before you said any of that, I never thought that. I love everyone. I really do. But I guess I don't show it. I love my dad. But for the last four years of my life I've enjoyed hurting his feelings. And that itself makes me feel like I'm not real. Once again, I question if I even have real feelings. I think.. Wow. What have I become? I think, wow.. I'm a sick person. But when I'm around nobody, I think so differently. I think, "I love everyone. I love myself." So why can't I show it? Why do I have to be so terrible?

It just got worse when he picked me back up again from Avietas house. He wouldn't even look at me. He told me to take back whatever presents I got for him. He kept hinting at the fact that he hates me.

"I hate what you've become"
"I do too"
"I hate being around you. You're a terrible person. You only care about yourself."
"Just say it dad. You hate me?"
"I do. I hate you."

He told me he wants me in Idaho with my mom.
And he told me to not call him dad anymore.
Just hearing those two things makes me hate myself. And makes me more depressed than ever.

I always think back on this one day with my dad. I remember it so clearly. It was at my old house, and we were in the hotub, and he was asking about my new friend Erin. I was in 6th grade. I told him Erin doesn't have many friends, and most people make fun of me for hanging out with her. And he goes, "But you still do hang out with her.. That's great.." At that time I didn't really think anything of it. And then he goes, "You're a great person, Michael. You really are." I remembered that from then on. I kept that thought in the back of my head. And I hope I never forget it. Because it's nice to think for one part of my life, at one time, my dad actually loved me.

That car ride changed so much for me.
I couldn't control my shaking as he yelled at me.
As his driving became more aggressive.
As the radio played, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Not anymore.