Thursday, October 30, 2008

Don't lose your head

I'm happy because you said you like me too.
And that just keeps me in a good mood forever.
It took me a long time last night to just say it, which is why we were talking so late. But I'm glad I did end up saying it.

I still can't believe it.
I still don't think I'm good enough for you.

I hate myself for waking up late and missing school all the time.
I'm probably gonna get a letter from the school soon or something. I can't do this anymore. The guilt of missing class is really getting to me. I've always looked at people who skip school as pathetic. I've never understood why you would. It just gives you more work to do in the future.. I really like my teachers right now too. And I'm sure now they have a really bad impression of me. God damn it.

I'm at home right now. And this is the last place I wanna be.
I've missed so much class lately that being in school is far more comfortable than being at home. Because when I actually am in class, I feel like I'm getting back on track. I caught up in math yesterday. I'm doing just fine. But the call to my dad tonight about all my absences really isn't going to go well with him.

I want to be proud of my grades.
I don't want to worry about finding rides in the morning.
And I want my fucking license.

13 more days.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Flying high

Everything's starting to fit together.
It's all starting to balance itself out.

I couldn't ask for better friends then I have right now.

Cammisha we're making the best of what time we have. Whether you go to California or not once high school is over. I can't even describe how perfect our friendship is right now. How perfect it has always been. It's hillarious how my dad always uses you as the example of a perfect friend. And how whenever anything's wrong he says something like, "If you have someone like her, that's enough" He's right.

Avieta and Bryant. I take back ever saying I feel like a back up friend.
You guys never get old. I'm never bored when I'm hanging out with you guys.
We fight a lot but then we usually never fight about the same topic more than once. It happens once, we lay down the bottom line to it, and then we forget about it.

I'm completely secure with the group of friends I have now.
At the end of the day, those three are who I can rely on the most.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

"Why do you crave their approval?"

I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove them wrong.
I'm always trying to be better and always trying to have nicer things than them.

And I've got so caught up in it, that I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever state of mind I used to have. I'm sure it's just a phase. But I don't want to lose the things that make me great, for people that I don't really care about.

The things I have and the way I am, is just right.
I refuse to change for anyone from now on. I never used to. But when I'm around them I don't listen to the music I want to listen to, or talk about what I want to talk about.

The few times during the weekends that I've been around them, I don't even look at them as anything great, personality wise. And I don't even care to have conversation with them.

Thank you for teaching me what you taught me last night dad.
Why do I always want prove to everbody else that I am the best?
The people that are in my life, the people that matter, already think I am.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

In the scheme of things

I see you playing the same games I play.
And I see you developing the same bad habits that I have.

Please, stop while you can.

Deja vu with in myself

I'm so pissed at you dad.

Of course the letter finally gets delivered to the house when I've already caught up in my classes. I hate that you took away my phone, called me stupid, and told me I'm going nowhere with my life. And what I hate even more is how ten minutes later you act like you can talk to me and act like everything's just fine. Screw that. Screw you.

I can't wait to prove you wrong with straight A's.

Last night was a lot of fun for me and even though it's a saturday, you're making it feel like a sunday for me. If I don't get to go out tonight, I'll be pissed.

Back to last night.. I went with stephanie, sydney, andrew, avieta, bryant, eric, and ariel to the corn maze. I feel really bad for what I did to Ariel, and hopefully she'll forgive me. I'm sorry I was so mean, and I'm sorry you left because of me.. I actually had a lot of fun. It was funny, as ghetto as this sounds, we couldn't go to my house, bryants house, or erics house so we slept in bryants car. It was freezing, and hella uncomfortable. But overall it was one of the best nights I've had in a while.

Saw 5, and quarantine today!
Then going out to dinner with the group.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's weird

There's some people that repetitively try and talk to me (over myspace)
Mostly all of them live in my city, just go to different schools. And it bothers me because it's like they're clueless. I won't reply to their messages, they send another the next day. (I once again don't reply) Yet, I still get another message a couple days later. Usually always saying the same things,

"Hey, whats up?"

Sometimes I just give them a chance.
Just to see what they really wanna talk to me about, and it ends up being small talk that goes nowhere. I hate small talk. And I'm sick of the fact that it sounds like a script.

"How are you?"
"I'm good, how are you?"
"I'm good too"
"What have you been up to?"
"Not a whole lot, you?"
"Same.. not a whole lot"

So expected..

I know this is ridiculous to complain about.
It just bothers me. They don't even know who I am, why do they try so hard to have a conversation with me, that they can have with any other person on this planet? I guess this should make me feel "wanted" but it doesn't. And what I don't understand is, how don't they understand after the 100th time of me not replying, I obviously don't care to talk to them?

...Sorry, now I'm just being rude.
Bad mood, I guess.

We've got everything we need right here,

And everything we need is enough.
It's just so easy when the whole world fits inside of your arms,
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm, wake up slow, wake up slow.

I really like starting the day early. Although, I think I'm gonna go lay down again for a little. Just because I still have time before I have to leave for school.

I just got home from the Wind-Up Bird with my dad. We had coffee and talked, and caught up a little bit. It was nice. Because even though we're in the same house, I feel like we haven't been connecting much lately. During the summer we were so close and now I feel like I only say hi to him when he comes home, and then say goodnight to him before he goes to bed.

Now I'm sitting in the basement, finishing my coffee, and listening to Jack Johnson on the surround sound speakers. The cinnamon candle upstairs smells really good. And I can hear my dad whistling to Banana Pancakes.

I love this.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You're always made up

I hate how every time I call you there's a million people yelling in the background, or loud music playing so I can hardly even hear what you're saying. Then you usually start laughing and end up hanging up on me. Sometimes even while I'm in the middle of talking to you.

Screw you, your drugs, and your parties.

But when I say lets keep in touch, I really mean I wish that you'd grow up.
This is the first song for your mixed tape. And it's short just like my temper. But somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend, before you got too cool.

Monday, October 20, 2008

We had the good things, but those never seem to last

I think this is probably the most important thing I can write about on here.
And will probably be the longest post I've ever written.
So, here we go.

I can't stop thinking about it or talking about it. And I don't mind admitting that. I'm really sick or repeating myself on here, but I don't know how else to really vent about it all, since every body's getting tired of hearing it.

I used to love myself for how much self respect I have.
But now I just think I'm stupid because of it.
I stopped coming around you guys because I always said I deserve the best.
Well.. I'd rather be going through bad times with you guys then not being in your lives at all. I'd rather argue with you guys every day then not argue with you at all. Because at least then I could still say that you both are still my friends. At least you would still be around. We always seemed to work out any problems we had anyways.

Caitlin, Ramsey, I miss you both.
I've tried to just throw this behind us, but obviously you two aren't willing to do the same. And I understand why. I can openly admit that I've been depressed about this for the last two months. I wanted to meet new people, and throw something new into my life, but I never meant to lose our friendship along the way.

I don't even know where to begin..
The highest point of my life was sophomore year when we all started being friends. I loved second period. Going to Ramseys house with Caitlin and laying there, being lazy, falling asleep sometimes, and talking about how we didn't want to go to our next class. We always ended up going though. We'd just anxiously wait for the next second period. We never did anything exciting, yet we'd always seem to make it enjoyable. When Caitlin first introduced me to Ramsey I knew we were gonna be good friends. He reminded me of Justin. And Justin was my best friend until he moved. And I was right. I ended up feeling exactly the same about our friendship as I did with mine and Justins.

We used to all drive around really fast and really late. I always loved the music we'd play in the car, but it's hard listening to those songs now. We'd always end up at Caitlins dads house. There has been so many good times at her dads house. I loved the night me, her and Ramsey watched the Blair Witch project and got all freaked out afterwards. Hahahah and how Caitlin layed on her bed with her cross because of it.

The night when ramsey let us drive his car in the Safeway parking lot, the time I started saying creepy things in my sleep in Caitlins living room, how terrible I was at playing pool when we went to her moms house.

There was so many times where Caitlin and I would say the same things outloud. We used to always say to each other, "Get out of my head!" It was really like we shared the same brain. We could talk to each other with out even.. saying anything at all.

Ramsey would always give me a ride home at the end of the night. And we'd usually always sit in the car for a couple hours and just talk about shit. I remember one time we were talking about how many friends we've lost and he said, "When I stop being friends with someone, you have to do something really extreme, something that really pisses me off, for me to stop talking to you. Basically, I'm planning on sticking with you and Caitlin until you both get sick of me." and I told him that I know we'll all stay friends, there would be no reason for us not to.

So now I'm just wondering where we went wrong. Where I went wrong.

The memories that are attached to me the most, are the ones from this summer. Our road trips to the lake, and our late night fires at Jacobs house. The last fire I remember us having was at Ramseys. And I really loved that night. And the last time I remember us actually hanging out was the night we watched children of the corn at Ramseys house. Also a bad ass night. Ha!

I don't wanna forget about any of these times. It seems like I'm having a hard time remembering all the great things we used to do, since I've been blocking it out too much lately.

I always felt infinite when I was friends with you guys.
I never wanted to party to have a good time, because we never needed that to have a good time. And I never really thought about opening up to new people, because you guys were enough for me.

So, what has my pride done to me?
Is anybody going to be good enough for me?

Tonight I cried for this first time since.. I don't even know when.
And I don't really like admitting that..

I miss you guys more than anything.
I want our friendship back more than anything.
I wanna know what it's like to be able to trust anyone again.
And I really wish that you guys looked at my blogspot. Because I really wish you could read this.

I don't think I'm brave enough to talk to you about it.
I'm not brave enough to hear you're response..

But overall, thank you to both of you for showing me the best times of my life.
You guys are still soooo important to me. And I hope you know that.

Feelin' fresh

This checkered composition notebook is keeping me on top of everything.

It's gonna make me sound.. insane, but I have an endless amount of tasks on a checklist of things I need to complete this week. It seems like I'm always writing down little things in it lately. Just because I fail at remembering anything, and it seems easier to see what I have to face when it's written out.

Work at least four hours for dad, turn in my application at Jamba Juice (and all the other stores i'm applying at), make enough money for homecoming this weekend, and tonight I'm gonna completely get caught up with school and get both of my grades to A's by the end of this week.

Feels like there's nothing in my way now.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Like Eating Glass

I don't actually end up leaving my house on the weekends until 10:00 or so.
And it's getting really old.

I do love the night life. But I like being out during the day too..

Starting next weekend I'm gonna start staying at my brothers house on Saturday nights. He has a room for me and everything. It's too hard trying to find rides from where I live, and I'm more relaxed at his house anyways. He'd let me go out whenever I want, and I don't have to worry about getting caught sneaking out.

I'm changing up things a little bit.
But I think I'm hurting my dad at the same time.

...I took ten dollars from my his wallet tonight.

And even though I shouldn't feel guilty, since it's nothing compared to taking one of the hundred dollar bills in there, I still felt terrible. When I came downstairs he smiled at me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him and Susan, but I told him I was going out for the night. He always seems disappointed when I say that..

I have enough guilt from the things I've said to him in the past couple days, I don't think I can handle having anymore. So I went back upstairs, and put the ten dollars back in his wallet.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A smile that explodes

I can't even keep track of how many times my dad has said to me that I'm a terrible person. He's wrong. My mom would never say anything like that to me. Sometimes I wonder why I've spent all of my life with my dad.. and not my mom.

I hate today, and I hate this week
For once I actually want some alone time.

I haven't talked to my mom for a week.
Which is one of the reasons I'm so upset lately.
It seems like I'm looking through our pictures and watching our videos every other night. I think about it everyday. And listening to the song A smile that explodes, gets to me everytime.

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It's funny how we're both dressed in our night clothes. But that's alright.

I'll remember that night for the rest of my life.
Going to the lake, rolling down the windows in the truck and playing music. I still crack up everytime I watch that video where you were dancing and almost fell into the water. Or when I think about how much you and Walt would make fun of how much I suck at driving a stick shift. And how much I don't fit in with the lifestyle of living in Pierce.

I'm sorry I'm not there with you, mom. You're my best friend, and I miss you.

I'm just gonna stop here.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Behind Closed Doors

You really set it out to them like it was a rule, didn't you?
And they followed what you said, didn't they?

"We're not talking to Michael anymore"

It amazes me how much you have, and how little you appreciate it all.
Just going to your moms house showed me how glamorous your life really is. You have everything. And you have so many people that love you. So why is it that half of the time I see you, you're always upset about something? Or always complaining about something or someone?

You have a few people that would do anything for you, and give you anything that you want. You should be the happiest person in the world.

I found out a lot about you these last few weeks. And I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you lie and mistreat the people that love you the most. It makes me feel sick everytime I think about the fact that you cheated on him, and it makes me feel even more sick that you deny it.

The thing is, I don't hate you.
What you did is terrible. But I still respect and love you. You were one of the most important people in my life and having to step away from you because of the things you were doing to the people I care about was hard, but I had to do it.

Whenever anybody says anything about you I go along with it. And I'll admit, I've said that I hate you a couple times. But I never once meant it. Go ahead and keep talking about me. But don't you feel weird doing that since just about a month ago you considered me your best friend? And go ahead and keep faking nice to me, because I'd rather have you do that then not talk to me at all. I don't hate you. I actually hope you find something to love. And I really hope you wake up and realize.. you have it all.

Pull yourself together. And god damn, stop putting on this act.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I need some meaning I can memorize

I guess being able to admit things, makes them a little bit easier to face.
So here we go,

I've come to realize I really do have an addiction to buying new things.
I've gone through so much money in the past two weeks, and tomorrow, I owe my dad fifty dollars.

I just had fifty dollars today,
and now I have a total of two dollars in my wallet.

Good luck to me for tomorrow!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Pretending there's glamour and candelabra

It may have been fun at first, but lately my weekends are just.. uncomfortable.
I've been spending most of my time with people that I hardly even know, and at first it was nice meeting new people and all. But I'm realizing more and more how uncomfortable it is when I'm with those strangers and we're not partying.

Everyone's telling me to get to know these people and eventually I'll feel comfortable. And it's so like me to bail out because I'm not comfortable. So I'm going to try not to..

I'm tired of jumping from house to house and trying to find somewhere to go.
I'm sick of being in the same room with people that I don't even like.
And I really hate how when I wanted to just have a normal night with a couple of my friends, the plans are ruined, and we ended up driving everybody around. Really, that's all tonight was for me, sitting shotgun in Bryants car and driving people everywhere they wanted to go. It's sort of annoying that I gave up my night for that. Not like it was his fault or anything.

I'm hoping my weekends start getting better.

I keep thinking "Where's the fun or comfort in this?"

But I keep on going..

mkl on aim: um, sorry
Tepni: AW
Tepni: REALLY?
mkl on aim: yes. idk, when i go away from the computer you actually want me to come back, and when i want to get off you want me to stay on
mkl on aim: i need more people like that lately


I notice myself constantly saying, "They don't like me"
Or, "I don't like them" Even when me saying "They don't like me" is most of the time a guess.

I do it just in case if they really don't like me, I won't be disappointed.

This morning I realized how much I hate being around people that don't have anything good to say about anybody else. I was with Michele and when any of my friends would walk by, or sit by me, she'd make fun of them. When Katy sat down by me, she even called her a slut out loud. Which was ridiculous. And in the library, when Bryant walks in, she says something about him too. She doesn't even know them. And she knows they're my good friends. How old are we? Twelve?

I would like to be able to say "The people that make fun of everybody are just insecure." But that's not even the case a lot of the time. Talking trash about people happens. It starts conversation sometimes, I guess. And I've noticed a lot of the time, people just do it when they're uncomfortable.

Today during third period I sat and talked to a lot of people that I've always thought of as people who didn't like me. But when I actually talked with them, we got a long fine. And that was a good feeling.

Mostly what I've learned from today is,
I'd rather go through life loving everybody, and thinking everybody loves me, instead of worrying about who accepts me, and who doesn't.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Matthew and David

The last few nights I've been going through old photo albums, and watching old home videos. I miss childhood.. I miss you guys. It's weird not having anybody at the house anymore. Just me.. Dad and Susan are always here, but all they do is stress lately. And I'm sick of hearing about it.

I miss the way we would all look out for each other, and the way we'd cover for each other when we'd sneak out of the house. It seems like all through out your high school years I would ruin things for you guys by getting you in trouble all the time. And around that time, you both hated me. I was the typical annoying little brother. I really wish I could take back all of that.

But seeing these pictures reminds me of the younger version of both of you.
And I remember exactly how you were. David, you were a genius for your young age. You were hurt by the pressure dad put on you, and you broke free from all of that and did the things you loved. Even if dad didn't approve of it. Matthew always in the spotlight. And hell, he grew up with the spotlight. He was perfect in dads eyes. The sports.. That's really what it was all about for my dad. But as a kid, Matthew was never like that. He was just.. Normal. I don't even know.

Watching the home videos shows how innocent both of you were. And seeing David going through hard times really gets to me. Being able to hold on to these pictures, and these memories keeps me sane in this house.

I miss our old house, and I miss mom living with us.
I love you guys for the way we stuck together through the divorce.

But I miss having both of you around more than anyone else knows.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Don't lose touch

First of all, I'm happy with how many people have blogspots now. I've always wanted more of my friends to have blogspots just because I love reading them, but I've never really said anything about it. Now I have about 10 people on my blog update list.

I love it.

I know you're starting to like him again, and even though it's not at all understandable in my mind, I'm gonna let you do what you want. But don't forget about your friends while you're changing up everything. I'm sick losing friends because of relationships. They'll find the one that's "perfect" for them and then completely isolate themselves from everybody else. Then a couple months later, the relationship ends, and they come running back to their old friends in hope that they'll take them back. I know that's not your plan, and I know your intentions are good. But I still worry about it.

I wish you could realize that being independent is okay.
It seems like your using him to help yourself move on from this mess your in. But that's an endless cycle. Because after him, it's gonna be another guy, and another, and another. Rebounds really mean nothing. And I'm sorry if you take offence to this, because I know in your mind he's not a rebound. But in my opinion, you need to help yourself instead of looking for somebody else to help you. And you need to love yourself before you love anyone else.

Money on my mind

I've been spending a lot of money on clothes lately.
I know I can wear the same thing more than once every once in a while, but that's boring. It's always one thing after another. I'm always wanting to buy something.

I'm worried about my future. I'm spending money like it's nothing. I haven't saved one dollar in my bank account. Everywhere I go, I end up buying things I don't really need, and it's become a habbit.

I've been generously spending my money on other people too, which really.. isn't good.

I really can't afford this lifestyle I'm aiming for..
Every weekend for me ends up being so expensive. I've gone through fifty dollars in the last two days on just normal things. Food, movies, and paying people for driving me around. I don't even have a job. And I never ask my dad for money. Whenever I do, I end up feeling guilty and end up giving the money back to him.

Whatever money I have is from the hours I've worked for him in the past. He's slowly paying me for it, and he thinks I'm saving it, but I'm always spending it the day he hands it to me. It's completely stupid, but I can't stop.

I want a job more than anything right now.
But I still want my free time.
So actually, I just want money more than anything right now.

On a separate note,
I came home early tonight. I got back around 12:00. I drove around with Avieta for a while and stopped by Bryants house. Something was wrong with Bryant and he didn't wanna come outside. I'm worried we're annoying him. Even though Avieta always tells me to shut up about that because I worry about people too much, I still think we are. I hate asking him for a ride home at the end of the night every weekend. I hate asking people for rides. I just wanna be able to drive myself around. I guess whenever something's wrong with any of my friends, I make it my fault in some way. Another destructive habit of mine.

I saw Nick at 7-Eleven tonight.
And I randomly got a text message from him and he told me that he doesn't hate me. Although I haven't really been thinking about it lately, a big weight was lifted off my shoulder when I got that text. I miss Nick. Knowing that we're fine with each other, and knowing that he doesn't hate me makes me feel a lot better.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Come downstairs and say hello

My dad found out I snuck out last night. I got back around 3:30 in the morning. And he was in his room, sleeping. He left a note on my door and it said "Talk to me in the morning"

I was all nervous because I knew in a couple hours, it was just gonna be a punishment and a lecture. I couldn't even figure out how he found out. I had Ariel park away from my house so he wouldn't hear the car, I went out the back door really quietly, and I turned off all the lights in my bedroom. I guess my dad just figures out everything.

This morning we had our "talk" and surprisingly, he didn't care. He really wasn't mad. He said that he trusts me and that if I would of just checked in with him, it would of been fine for me to leave. He knows I'm smart, and that I wasn't doing anything stupid. We had coffee and he made me breakfast and he didn't even ask me what I did last night.

I felt guilty about it for some reason so I burned him the CD he's been asking me to burn for him and we drove to Nike and listened to it in the car.

The main point is, he trusts me now. And I'm gonna make sure I keep that trust with him.

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Friday, October 3, 2008

Bright Lights

I'm having one adventurous night after another.
I've had it planned out for a while how I've wanted things to go, and wow, my plans definitely worked out.

I'm living the life.

I love coming home at 3:00 in the morning with that "on top of the world" feeling, falling asleep with a smile, and then starting out the next day a couple hours later.

I love being at Avietas house, having the house to ourselves, and blasting music while she gets ready before we go out for the night.

I've always said it's better to take things slowly.
But I'm living fast, now.

Again and again

"All you do on the weekends now is.. party"

I hope you know I still know how to have normal fun, too.
I still like doing stupid things.
I still like movie nights.
And I still don't mind being lazy at your house.

I haven't done anything today. Which is weird.. because it seems like all week I've been planning everything to happen on Friday. We might throw Bryant a party this weekend for his birthday, but then again, there's really no where to throw it.

I saw Eagle Eye last night with Avieta. Greatest movie I've seen in a while.

We hated walking everywhere yesterday.
We were walking down Coburg Road and it started raining harder than I've ever seen it rain before. We were soaked with in five seconds. And from there on, the day just went downhill.

Today feels like it's going by so slowly.
Another rainy day.
I want it to be 9:00 so everyone can get off of work. I want to go do whatever the plan is for tonight.

Rainy Days

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I'll Believe In Anything

I think I've tried out every type of lifestyle there is.
The thing is, as a person, I never really change. I change the way I live. I change the things I do. But I'm really always the same. I'm the same as I was when I was.. 12 years old. I haven't changed. I haven't grown up. I still have the mind of my younger self.

But being able to try out different ways of living, and seeing from one million different point of views has made me the most understandable person to.. everybody. I feel like I can relate to just about anybody, just because I've lived like them before.

I've had friends that don't give a damn about me.
And I've had friends that love me.
And now I really do know the difference between the two.

I've met people that look up to me.
And I've met people who have tried to destroy me.
And I know how take control of both.

I've had times where I have a ton of money.
And I've had times where I was flat out broke.
I've been friends with people whose parents are millionaires,
And friends with people whose families can hardly get by.
And I still don't know if money is the root of happiness.

I've got around town in fancy cars.
And I've taken the bus to get from place to place.

I've been nice.
And I've been terrible.
I've been cruel.
And I've been greedy.
I've been fake.
I've been crazy.
I've fucked up.
And I've fucked people over.

I've had months where I'd do nothing.
And I've had months where I was never not doing something.
Always alone,
or always with a million people.

I've been a liar,
and I've dealt with liars.

I really don't think there's anyone I can't handle, or anyone that I can't figure out. I've seen it all before, I've done it all before. I'm done hearing how you're "a hard person to read"

I bet you anything I can adapt to your lifestyle.