"I do want to be here for you to listen too, I just have very different opinions on love than you do.. explain to me what it even is about her that you love? Maybe its not right for me to ask that but i feel like if you really love her you'd want to answer it.."
"What I love about her is the way I feel when I'm with her. which is really something I can't even put into words. whether we're fighting or perfectly okay. She makes me feel something that nobody else in the world can.. she makes me feel real. there's a lot of people in my life that are important to me and can make me feel so many different things but she brought out some of my core emotions that I never knew that I had. she understands me in a way that so many people haven't been able to understand and she shows up in so many different parts of my life that remind me of how much I love her. She was my first real love and a lot of the things that we have experienced together is a lot of what has made me love her so much. what she has made me into. the only thing that I want you to try to understand that love is love. lost love, is still love.. I love you as my best friend and if you stopped being friends with me, or if you died, with out any warning, I would still love you exactly the way I did before. I know that's a way different kind of love, but feelings are feelings. Even if they can't be returned. I understand what you're saying when it's not a loving relationship if you're not being loved back but not being wanted back doesn't erase the feelings you had before. you can't make yourself stop wanting someone and when I look at other girls I can't picture feeling the way I felt with her. because she is everything I ever wanted. the music she shows me, the movies, the books we give each other, the things she has said to me, the way she has made me feel, the way she touches, the way she talks, the way I am able to be around her, the way I feel I understand her. I feel like she's so understandable too me no matter how complex she can make things.. they are all things that I find completely irreplaceable. what I'm saying is yeah, one day I will find other things or someone else to love.. I don't know when.. but right now she is all that I want and with out her, it's so hard to be able to feel okay. Sometimes I don't want to be here without her. when I was in love with her, when we were in love, I felt so right and when it was torn away from me I was left with everything I still felt."
It hurts being told that what I'm feeling isn't what I think it is. And that love isn't love if it's not returned. It hurts so much that nobody can make me feel okay about the way I feel.. I'm pounding on the walls for someone to understand. But what's even worse is what I see as irreplaceable, you see as something you can find in anybody else. What's a put away memory to you, is a constant reminder for me.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Left with nothing
I want so badly to be able to enjoy myself. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. I just want to always feel okay. But you can't feel okay with where you are if you're always wanting to go back.
I want to go back to the summer day in July when we went on a walk down that path by the river holding your hand. When we stopped at that bridge and watched the water, and kicked the cotton all over the ground with our feet. Going back to your house at the end of the day and lying in bed with you. That's one of my happiest memories, I can still feel what I felt that day when I look back on it. The time when we were sitting together on the couch at Justins while everyone was playing pong next to us and while all the guys were hitting on Sydney I felt so happy to be able to hold you closer and know you were all mine. Our road trip to Portland, with you in my passenger seat, letting you pick all the songs, being able to stop and pull over wherever we wanted to. Knowing we were going to be next to each other for the next two hours and knowing we'd fall asleep with each other that night, and wake up to each other the next morning. I wanted to see different parts of the world with you, even if it was just in our small city. And that's something we hardly ever did. I wanted to show you other parts of me that I couldn't show you in your house, or your bedroom. I wanted to get to know you more than I already did. I wanted you to call me when I was with my friends and I'd tell you I can't talk right now, but I promise I'll call you tonight. I wanted to take you to the movies and then take you to dinner and walk you to your door. I wanted you to stay at my house, and meet my dad. Take you to my work and show you off. Introduce you to my friends you never met, and spend time with the ones you did. Take you shopping and buy you things. I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I always was willing to wait. I always am.. But what I'm trying to figure out is how long can I do this to myself. How many times do I have to hear you don't love me anymore, to make me stop loving you. What the hell will it take for me to move on from you. All I know is I still want you in my life no matter what. Even if it's not the way I will always want it to be.
I think that's what is still so hard for me. I create all of these plans for my life, but you were always such a big part of them that I don't really know what I have set out in front of me anymore.
I want to go back to the summer day in July when we went on a walk down that path by the river holding your hand. When we stopped at that bridge and watched the water, and kicked the cotton all over the ground with our feet. Going back to your house at the end of the day and lying in bed with you. That's one of my happiest memories, I can still feel what I felt that day when I look back on it. The time when we were sitting together on the couch at Justins while everyone was playing pong next to us and while all the guys were hitting on Sydney I felt so happy to be able to hold you closer and know you were all mine. Our road trip to Portland, with you in my passenger seat, letting you pick all the songs, being able to stop and pull over wherever we wanted to. Knowing we were going to be next to each other for the next two hours and knowing we'd fall asleep with each other that night, and wake up to each other the next morning. I wanted to see different parts of the world with you, even if it was just in our small city. And that's something we hardly ever did. I wanted to show you other parts of me that I couldn't show you in your house, or your bedroom. I wanted to get to know you more than I already did. I wanted you to call me when I was with my friends and I'd tell you I can't talk right now, but I promise I'll call you tonight. I wanted to take you to the movies and then take you to dinner and walk you to your door. I wanted you to stay at my house, and meet my dad. Take you to my work and show you off. Introduce you to my friends you never met, and spend time with the ones you did. Take you shopping and buy you things. I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I always was willing to wait. I always am.. But what I'm trying to figure out is how long can I do this to myself. How many times do I have to hear you don't love me anymore, to make me stop loving you. What the hell will it take for me to move on from you. All I know is I still want you in my life no matter what. Even if it's not the way I will always want it to be.
I think that's what is still so hard for me. I create all of these plans for my life, but you were always such a big part of them that I don't really know what I have set out in front of me anymore.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You
"I didn't answer. I knew she was right, but that didn't change the way I felt about things at all. People always think that if they can prove that they're right, you'll change your mind."
"It's odd what facets of life children incorporate into their play. I started to think about this, about how we wanted to assume the dreariest aspects of adult life: playing office, playing store.. playing mental asylum."
"I think I could do other things with the money that would be better for me than going to college."
"Such as?" My grandmother asked.
I didn't answer because it was suddenly clear to me, for a second or two, that part of this not wanting to go to college was simply a desire not to move forward, for I loved where I was at the moment, and felt that so surely and keenly: sitting in my grandmothers kitchen.. All around us not yet totally violated by stupidity and intolerance and hate.
"But wouldn't you be lonely?"
"I don't mind being lonely," I said, "I am lonely now, here, living in New York. It makes it worse in New York because you see people interacting everywhere you go, all the time. Constantly."
"Just because people interact doesn't mean they aren't lonely."
"How should I know if this will help me? It's like asking someone who's swimming the English channel if they will get across. There's no way they can know."
"But they can believe they can swim across. Otherwise why would they set out? You wouldn't begin to swim across the Channel if you didn't think you could make it."
"You might."
"You're sitting all alone. Come join us.."
This is something I really hate. Really, really hate- when people react to your being alone as some kind of problem for them. I knew the only reason she wanted me to come and sit at her table was that she wanted to do someone a favor. My sitting alone bothered her; it's like how you resent those people standing up on the subway when you're seated.
I find it disturbing that so much seemingly altruistic behavior is really quite selfish. Even so-called saints like Mother Teresa bother me. In some ways she was just as ambitious as people like my father or anyone who wants to be on top of their profession. Mother Teresa wanted to be the best saint, the top saint, so she did the most disgusting things she could do, and I know she helped people and relieved suffering and I'm not saying that's bad, I'm just saying I think she was just as selfish and ambitious as everyone else. The problem with thinking this way is that if you want to avoid this kind of ambition and selfishness you should do absolutely nothing- do no harm, but do no good either. Do nothing: don't presume to interfere with the world.
...I knew the note would upset my mother. I thought maybe I should throw it away. I thought, what's the point of her reading it? Then I thought about how in Tess of the AngleD'Urbervilles Clare doesn't find the note that Tess slips under his door because it slides beneath the rug and how basically because of that a lot of awful things happen and she ends up dead and so I decided not to interfere with the natural course of events.
"That's the awful thing about being addicted to something. Even while you're doing it, and loving it, you know it's wrong and you know you're weak, and you know you're probably ruining your life. I knew it was a mistake, a terrible mistake. But I did it anyway."
'A young man and woman walked past- they were walking a bit apart from one another with a space between them, and the man was looking straight ahead and the woman had her arms crossed against her chest, hugging herself, looking down at her feet. They both had the same gleefully suppressed smile on their faces, and I knew that they were freshly in love. Perhaps they had just fallen in love at dinner, perhaps they haven't even kissed yet. And they walked apart because they had their whole lives to walk close together, touching, and wanted to anticipate the moment they touched for as long as possible. Something about watching them made me sad. The summer night, the open-toed shoes, their faces rapt with momentarily tamped-down joy. I felt I had witnessed their happiest moment, the pinnacle, and they were already walking away from it, but they didn't know it..'
Love is never wasted.
You are cleansed by sleep and dreams.
Have faith in nature.
Be challenged by defeat.
Believe in what you love.
Re-create your life every day.
Everything is always changing. Nothing lasts. It's okay.
'I thought, it's enough that I've thought that, I don't need to share it. Most people think that things are not real unless they are spoken, that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it. I suppose this is why people always want other people to say, "I love you." I think just the opposite- that thoughts are realest when thought, that expressing them distorts or dilutes them, that it is best for them to stay in the dark climate-controlled airport chapel of your mind, that if they're released into the air and light they will be affected in a way that alters them, like film accidentally exposed.'
'I feel like we cannot go on with our lives like nothing happened. For instance, the Mexican boy, cutting the lawn in Hartsdale, how did he get there, where did he live, what was he thinking? It's like there's this pyramid of his life, an iceberg, and I just saw the the tip of it, the tiny tip, but it spreads out beneath that, spreads out back and back, his entire life beneath him, inside of him, everything that has ever happened to him, all adding up to equal the moment, the second, he waved back at me.
What if she was meant to be, or could have been someone important in my life? What if the Mexican boy was lonely too? I think that's what scares me: the randomness of everything. A stranger, yet I felt walking away I was abandoning him. That I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people.
No one can understand who you were at a particular moment unless they understood the pyramid beneath you. We forget that.
"You know," my grandmother said, "I think it's rather a heartening story what you told me. You acted stupidly and made a mess, but nevertheless I find it heartening."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you wanted something, and tried to get it. You acted. You acted stupidly, but you acted, and that's the important part. And people often act stupidly when it comes to love."
"And if college is all wrong for you, if you really don't like it in the way you fear, well- it won't be a waste to have gone. Having bad experiences helps.l it makes it clearer what it is you should be doing. People who have only had good experiences aren't very interesting. They may be content and happy after a fashion, but they don't go in very deep. It may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. Not that happiness is simple. But I don't think you're going to have a life like that, and I think you'll be the better for it. The difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed with the bad patches. You musn't let them defeat you. You must see them as a gift- a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless."
"When you long with all of your heart for someone to love you, a madness grows there that shakes all sense from the trees and the water and the earth. And nothing lives for you, except the long deep bitter want. And this is what everyone feels from birth to death."
Be patient and tough: Someday this pain will be useful to you.
"It's odd what facets of life children incorporate into their play. I started to think about this, about how we wanted to assume the dreariest aspects of adult life: playing office, playing store.. playing mental asylum."
"I think I could do other things with the money that would be better for me than going to college."
"Such as?" My grandmother asked.
I didn't answer because it was suddenly clear to me, for a second or two, that part of this not wanting to go to college was simply a desire not to move forward, for I loved where I was at the moment, and felt that so surely and keenly: sitting in my grandmothers kitchen.. All around us not yet totally violated by stupidity and intolerance and hate.
"But wouldn't you be lonely?"
"I don't mind being lonely," I said, "I am lonely now, here, living in New York. It makes it worse in New York because you see people interacting everywhere you go, all the time. Constantly."
"Just because people interact doesn't mean they aren't lonely."
"How should I know if this will help me? It's like asking someone who's swimming the English channel if they will get across. There's no way they can know."
"But they can believe they can swim across. Otherwise why would they set out? You wouldn't begin to swim across the Channel if you didn't think you could make it."
"You might."
"You're sitting all alone. Come join us.."
This is something I really hate. Really, really hate- when people react to your being alone as some kind of problem for them. I knew the only reason she wanted me to come and sit at her table was that she wanted to do someone a favor. My sitting alone bothered her; it's like how you resent those people standing up on the subway when you're seated.
I find it disturbing that so much seemingly altruistic behavior is really quite selfish. Even so-called saints like Mother Teresa bother me. In some ways she was just as ambitious as people like my father or anyone who wants to be on top of their profession. Mother Teresa wanted to be the best saint, the top saint, so she did the most disgusting things she could do, and I know she helped people and relieved suffering and I'm not saying that's bad, I'm just saying I think she was just as selfish and ambitious as everyone else. The problem with thinking this way is that if you want to avoid this kind of ambition and selfishness you should do absolutely nothing- do no harm, but do no good either. Do nothing: don't presume to interfere with the world.
...I knew the note would upset my mother. I thought maybe I should throw it away. I thought, what's the point of her reading it? Then I thought about how in Tess of the AngleD'Urbervilles Clare doesn't find the note that Tess slips under his door because it slides beneath the rug and how basically because of that a lot of awful things happen and she ends up dead and so I decided not to interfere with the natural course of events.
"That's the awful thing about being addicted to something. Even while you're doing it, and loving it, you know it's wrong and you know you're weak, and you know you're probably ruining your life. I knew it was a mistake, a terrible mistake. But I did it anyway."
'A young man and woman walked past- they were walking a bit apart from one another with a space between them, and the man was looking straight ahead and the woman had her arms crossed against her chest, hugging herself, looking down at her feet. They both had the same gleefully suppressed smile on their faces, and I knew that they were freshly in love. Perhaps they had just fallen in love at dinner, perhaps they haven't even kissed yet. And they walked apart because they had their whole lives to walk close together, touching, and wanted to anticipate the moment they touched for as long as possible. Something about watching them made me sad. The summer night, the open-toed shoes, their faces rapt with momentarily tamped-down joy. I felt I had witnessed their happiest moment, the pinnacle, and they were already walking away from it, but they didn't know it..'
Love is never wasted.
You are cleansed by sleep and dreams.
Have faith in nature.
Be challenged by defeat.
Believe in what you love.
Re-create your life every day.
Everything is always changing. Nothing lasts. It's okay.
'I thought, it's enough that I've thought that, I don't need to share it. Most people think that things are not real unless they are spoken, that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it. I suppose this is why people always want other people to say, "I love you." I think just the opposite- that thoughts are realest when thought, that expressing them distorts or dilutes them, that it is best for them to stay in the dark climate-controlled airport chapel of your mind, that if they're released into the air and light they will be affected in a way that alters them, like film accidentally exposed.'
'I feel like we cannot go on with our lives like nothing happened. For instance, the Mexican boy, cutting the lawn in Hartsdale, how did he get there, where did he live, what was he thinking? It's like there's this pyramid of his life, an iceberg, and I just saw the the tip of it, the tiny tip, but it spreads out beneath that, spreads out back and back, his entire life beneath him, inside of him, everything that has ever happened to him, all adding up to equal the moment, the second, he waved back at me.
What if she was meant to be, or could have been someone important in my life? What if the Mexican boy was lonely too? I think that's what scares me: the randomness of everything. A stranger, yet I felt walking away I was abandoning him. That I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people.
No one can understand who you were at a particular moment unless they understood the pyramid beneath you. We forget that.
"You know," my grandmother said, "I think it's rather a heartening story what you told me. You acted stupidly and made a mess, but nevertheless I find it heartening."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you wanted something, and tried to get it. You acted. You acted stupidly, but you acted, and that's the important part. And people often act stupidly when it comes to love."
"And if college is all wrong for you, if you really don't like it in the way you fear, well- it won't be a waste to have gone. Having bad experiences helps.l it makes it clearer what it is you should be doing. People who have only had good experiences aren't very interesting. They may be content and happy after a fashion, but they don't go in very deep. It may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. Not that happiness is simple. But I don't think you're going to have a life like that, and I think you'll be the better for it. The difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed with the bad patches. You musn't let them defeat you. You must see them as a gift- a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless."
"When you long with all of your heart for someone to love you, a madness grows there that shakes all sense from the trees and the water and the earth. And nothing lives for you, except the long deep bitter want. And this is what everyone feels from birth to death."
Be patient and tough: Someday this pain will be useful to you.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Matthew
Last night my brother told us all he's joining the military this spring.. He'll be doing his training in March and if he makes it in, he'll be away for six years. He won't be able to come home until two years after training and that will only be for a very short period before he goes right back to fight. Matthew was really upset last night because he's really short on money and couldn't get us gifts this year, this morning he just pulled out his wallet and gave us 20's but I didn't want to accept it. I did. He was upset because we won't have a christmas together again for another three years. It scares me. He always jumps into whatever comes to mind. Last night in the living room he was showing me these training videos of what it will be like. He'd skip through the parts that would be the trained marines talking, and I would only hear clips of what they'd say as he skipped through,
"It's putting your whole life at risk."
"You're fighting for your country and your life."
And then he'd get to the scenes with the action, and turn up the volume. Them jumping from planes and shooting right once on ground, them swimming through swamps with alligators and deadly snakes, crawling on the ground through the forests, and I was trying to picture him doing all of this.. But I couldn't. When we were talking in the kitchen, and when he was showing me all of these things I was trying to pretend I was more interested than I really was. "Oh yeah, that's awesome." Responding to the video the same way you'd respond to watching somebody play a video game. But the truth is I don't want him to go, and I'm scared. But when I asked him, "Does it scare you?" He said, "What?" and I said, "Any of that?" He goes, "No, I love that shit. It's what I've always wanted. I'll be able to face any situation after this."
And I was silent.
"It's putting your whole life at risk."
"You're fighting for your country and your life."
And then he'd get to the scenes with the action, and turn up the volume. Them jumping from planes and shooting right once on ground, them swimming through swamps with alligators and deadly snakes, crawling on the ground through the forests, and I was trying to picture him doing all of this.. But I couldn't. When we were talking in the kitchen, and when he was showing me all of these things I was trying to pretend I was more interested than I really was. "Oh yeah, that's awesome." Responding to the video the same way you'd respond to watching somebody play a video game. But the truth is I don't want him to go, and I'm scared. But when I asked him, "Does it scare you?" He said, "What?" and I said, "Any of that?" He goes, "No, I love that shit. It's what I've always wanted. I'll be able to face any situation after this."
And I was silent.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve
While everyone else was finishing wrapping presents tonight, I got out my phone and called to be picked up. Once again, I had that feeling where I just had to get away. That anxious nervousness that holds me back from enjoying anything else around me.
"So whats up?"
"I don't feel right. What I'm trying to do is hard because I want to keep her in my life but I don't want to love her anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because she's done, and because I can't lose anymore of me."
"Then cut off all connections. You need to get her out of your mind."
"I can't. That'd mean I'd have to forget a lot of what she's made me into. We changed each other a lot through our relationship not just in bad ways. If she still called, which she wouldn't, I'd still answer. No matter what, I can't ever stop caring for her."
"She won't call you though, dude. She doesn't care to call you. You're not what you used to be to her. And she doesn't want you the same way as she used to."
"That doesn't mean we're any less close as we were before. That doesn't mean we stop caring for each other all together.."
...
"So what are you going to do?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not gonna do anything. There isn't anything to do except keeping on."
I want to know why everyone thinks not being together has to turn into something worse. I don't have to be what I used to be, but I don't think I know how to live with out you in my life.
"So whats up?"
"I don't feel right. What I'm trying to do is hard because I want to keep her in my life but I don't want to love her anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because she's done, and because I can't lose anymore of me."
"Then cut off all connections. You need to get her out of your mind."
"I can't. That'd mean I'd have to forget a lot of what she's made me into. We changed each other a lot through our relationship not just in bad ways. If she still called, which she wouldn't, I'd still answer. No matter what, I can't ever stop caring for her."
"She won't call you though, dude. She doesn't care to call you. You're not what you used to be to her. And she doesn't want you the same way as she used to."
"That doesn't mean we're any less close as we were before. That doesn't mean we stop caring for each other all together.."
...
"So what are you going to do?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not gonna do anything. There isn't anything to do except keeping on."
I want to know why everyone thinks not being together has to turn into something worse. I don't have to be what I used to be, but I don't think I know how to live with out you in my life.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'm diving deeper
Over the first part of my winter break I left for Idaho to see my mom. My plan was to actually leave kind of quietly, with out saying much to anybody. I needed to step away from everything and have some time to stop focusing on everyone else for just a little bit. What I learned while I was gone, is positive thinking really does put so many things into place.
While I was gone I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't have Internet to check a million different social networks because of anxiety. All I had was myself, my thoughts that I had been blocking out for way too long, and my mom to wake up in the middle of the night to talk to. The only person in the whole world that knows every little detail about me. I drew conclusions that I needed to draw.
I can still love until I can let go. But I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting for somebody to love me back. I can't let phobias be my only friends anymore. I have kept myself very sheltered the past few months, because that's what I thought I had to do. I was a lonely and afraid person. And I was somebody that I didn't even know how to handle. Just pushing myself out of my comfort zone the past few days has transformed the way I feel completely. There are other things to feel good about and other things to put my energy into. You can't move on from somebody when they're the one you constantly turn to. It takes other things, and other people. Otherwise it's like expecting to quit cigarettes, by smoking cigarettes. It's a comfort, and it's what has always helped you with everything else before, but it can't push you away from itself. It feels good to be able to follow through again. I'm back. I'm ready to step into things that are new, and I'm ready to feel okay again.
While I was gone I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't have Internet to check a million different social networks because of anxiety. All I had was myself, my thoughts that I had been blocking out for way too long, and my mom to wake up in the middle of the night to talk to. The only person in the whole world that knows every little detail about me. I drew conclusions that I needed to draw.
I can still love until I can let go. But I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting for somebody to love me back. I can't let phobias be my only friends anymore. I have kept myself very sheltered the past few months, because that's what I thought I had to do. I was a lonely and afraid person. And I was somebody that I didn't even know how to handle. Just pushing myself out of my comfort zone the past few days has transformed the way I feel completely. There are other things to feel good about and other things to put my energy into. You can't move on from somebody when they're the one you constantly turn to. It takes other things, and other people. Otherwise it's like expecting to quit cigarettes, by smoking cigarettes. It's a comfort, and it's what has always helped you with everything else before, but it can't push you away from itself. It feels good to be able to follow through again. I'm back. I'm ready to step into things that are new, and I'm ready to feel okay again.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Make myself believe..
When I lose what I'm used to, I close off any other possibilities out there for me. It takes me a long time to open myself up to better things..
Nothing really is appealing to me anymore. I don't even know what I want. I'm so sick of being excited to get off of work and then not knowing what to do or where to go. I'm so tired of texting Bryant every single weekend to ask him to hang out and never getting a reply. Then seeing him drunk the same night and he says, "Where have you been!" and I say, "I text you all the time.." And he says, "No you don't!" And then we both laugh it off but I'm actually pissed, because I really do. And he knows I do.
The only thing I can do with any of my friends is find something we can drink or smoke, and then find a party. And now that's the only way I know how to make plans anymore. I see partying as one big trip.. In a car that looks so much more luxurious until you get inside. But without it, I always am made to feel that I'm missing out. On something really big. It makes you feel like whatever else you're doing is so much more unimportant than what you could be doing. And no fun seems as fun as it was before. It's this whole mind set that you're trained into.
I look at all the other people I used to be friends with, and I start to want what they have. I miss having friends that know there's nothing going on in the night and say, "Well you should still come over." And then making it a better night than you even planned. I miss having that so much. And I miss when I wouldn't reject little plans like those. Little plans like tonight, Michele asking me to come to get coffee with her until we find out what we're doing. I look at all my old friends, all of them are all together, and they're all making their last year here one to remember. They at least put in an effort to be happy and have fun with their lives.. And I just don't. Because it doesn't feel right when I try. I wish I was the way I used to be. When I would make myself go into situations, even if I wasn't sure if it's what I wanted. I miss when I would step out of my comfort zone, and find a new one. And I wish I still knew other ways to do that.. I'm always scared of being let down. Tonight Michele is texting me over and over and asking when I'm leaving my house and what we're going to do tonight. Michele really tries for our friendship, and I don't. My dad redid a lot of my room tonight, and instead of going out I want to stay home and put all of my stuff away and finish putting it all together. But then I remember how much I hate falling asleep to feeling alone.
Nothing really is appealing to me anymore. I don't even know what I want. I'm so sick of being excited to get off of work and then not knowing what to do or where to go. I'm so tired of texting Bryant every single weekend to ask him to hang out and never getting a reply. Then seeing him drunk the same night and he says, "Where have you been!" and I say, "I text you all the time.." And he says, "No you don't!" And then we both laugh it off but I'm actually pissed, because I really do. And he knows I do.
The only thing I can do with any of my friends is find something we can drink or smoke, and then find a party. And now that's the only way I know how to make plans anymore. I see partying as one big trip.. In a car that looks so much more luxurious until you get inside. But without it, I always am made to feel that I'm missing out. On something really big. It makes you feel like whatever else you're doing is so much more unimportant than what you could be doing. And no fun seems as fun as it was before. It's this whole mind set that you're trained into.
I look at all the other people I used to be friends with, and I start to want what they have. I miss having friends that know there's nothing going on in the night and say, "Well you should still come over." And then making it a better night than you even planned. I miss having that so much. And I miss when I wouldn't reject little plans like those. Little plans like tonight, Michele asking me to come to get coffee with her until we find out what we're doing. I look at all my old friends, all of them are all together, and they're all making their last year here one to remember. They at least put in an effort to be happy and have fun with their lives.. And I just don't. Because it doesn't feel right when I try. I wish I was the way I used to be. When I would make myself go into situations, even if I wasn't sure if it's what I wanted. I miss when I would step out of my comfort zone, and find a new one. And I wish I still knew other ways to do that.. I'm always scared of being let down. Tonight Michele is texting me over and over and asking when I'm leaving my house and what we're going to do tonight. Michele really tries for our friendship, and I don't. My dad redid a lot of my room tonight, and instead of going out I want to stay home and put all of my stuff away and finish putting it all together. But then I remember how much I hate falling asleep to feeling alone.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
My promises were sleeping
The past two days I've showed up to school, on time. I haven't slept in and I haven't left to come home early. And it feels good. It's weird what I've trained myself to do.. I sleep in for the same reason everybody sleeps in, because it's comforting. But what's weird about my situation, is when I'm laying in bed I think about a lot of my normal day I see hardly any time to relax in it, so when my alarm goes off, that is my chance. That's my time to relax. Even if I know I shouldn't. The way I process thoughts in the morning is so strange. I do things like, "I work today after school. So today I can sleep in." I start my shift right once school gets out, so there is no other time for sleep. I sleep in for comfort. The warmth of my room is something I don't want to leave. I sleep in to avoid the cold, or having to get up and find something to wear. I think about the drives to school when I'm shivering uncontrollably and my hair literally starts to freeze from being wet. My heater that doesn't warm up until I'm already to school. All of that races through my mind. And then my alarm goes off. In fact, five alarms go off. With five minute breaks in between. And I press snooze every time and sometimes, I don't even remember doing it when I wake up and its an hour past the time class started.
I am done trying to give myself reasons to not do the things I need to do. I'm being weak. I'm tired of walking in through the door of my first period class that's centered right in the front of the room and looking at all the faces people give me while they're taking their notes. I'm sick of hearing my dad in the living room every night answering his phone and going along word by word with what the automatic message he now has memorized is saying. Today I looked at my grade that was posted on the wall.. 11% is where I'm at.. Failing. And I am not a failure. I want to feel proud of myself again.
I am done trying to give myself reasons to not do the things I need to do. I'm being weak. I'm tired of walking in through the door of my first period class that's centered right in the front of the room and looking at all the faces people give me while they're taking their notes. I'm sick of hearing my dad in the living room every night answering his phone and going along word by word with what the automatic message he now has memorized is saying. Today I looked at my grade that was posted on the wall.. 11% is where I'm at.. Failing. And I am not a failure. I want to feel proud of myself again.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Below freezing
"You're doing horrible in school your room is always trashed. You are never home. I don't trust you. I'm not gonna let you move into the new room we built because you'll just destroy it. You can never do the things I need you to do, right. You're leading your life in the wrong direction."
"Well thanks for giving me a chance. I know the way I'm living isn't right, but I plan to change that for myself. I'm changing that for myself right now."
"There isn't a day that goes by that I don't get a call from school either absent or tardy, every single day. Your grades are terrible. You're not going to graduate. I don't know what you're planning on doing, but you better start making better choices."
"I don't understand anything I'm learning when I show up to my first period class. Whenever I show up I feel like such a failure. I hate my bad habits so much, I want to break them so bad. I can't make myself wake up on time, ever. I can't make myself sleep, ever. Whenever any of us are at a low point in life you never try to understand. Anything that you can't live by, you don't try to understand, or motivate us to do better. To remind us that we can do it. You can't accept it so you don't know what to do with us."
"What does that have to do with you not taking pride in anything?"
"So much."
"What's a low point for you? Every single day."
"That's the thing, you see me as a failure. You will never be able to pay attention to the good things in me if there's other things in my life that aren't perfect. You don't pay attention to the person I've become, and the fact that you only bring out the bad person in me. You don't pay attention to the fact that I've learned maturity and am working on my own and making my own money.. To you, if everything isn't right, then it's all wrong.. You try to give me your life to the point where you make me feel like mine isn't right."
"The problem with you is every single thing that I do good in, you want to be able feel it's your success. Every single thing I fail in, you want to fix. You want control over all parts of my life."
"It's hard to believe for yourself when you feel like the people that should the most, don't. I don't understand how you could ever lose faith or trust in your own kids.."
"You have to earn trust and then that starts to happen. When you quit lying. Once you can gain back my trust, then maybe we wouldn't have any problems. Once you prove to me that you can put your life together.. then maybe you can have the things you want."
"I'm not going to go change all of my life and my problems so I can switch into a new bedroom. I'm not ever going to put my life into order for you. It's not as easy to just jump away from all of my habits, just for you, right once you tell me to. You never see my progress and think what you see is all I am. You never trust anyone. Even when things are good with us, I mess something up once and your trust is gone all over again. I don't want to fight for my own dad to love me or trust me or understand me. That's not how it works.. and if that's how it is for you, I don't want to try anymore."
"Well thanks for giving me a chance. I know the way I'm living isn't right, but I plan to change that for myself. I'm changing that for myself right now."
"There isn't a day that goes by that I don't get a call from school either absent or tardy, every single day. Your grades are terrible. You're not going to graduate. I don't know what you're planning on doing, but you better start making better choices."
"I don't understand anything I'm learning when I show up to my first period class. Whenever I show up I feel like such a failure. I hate my bad habits so much, I want to break them so bad. I can't make myself wake up on time, ever. I can't make myself sleep, ever. Whenever any of us are at a low point in life you never try to understand. Anything that you can't live by, you don't try to understand, or motivate us to do better. To remind us that we can do it. You can't accept it so you don't know what to do with us."
"What does that have to do with you not taking pride in anything?"
"So much."
"What's a low point for you? Every single day."
"That's the thing, you see me as a failure. You will never be able to pay attention to the good things in me if there's other things in my life that aren't perfect. You don't pay attention to the person I've become, and the fact that you only bring out the bad person in me. You don't pay attention to the fact that I've learned maturity and am working on my own and making my own money.. To you, if everything isn't right, then it's all wrong.. You try to give me your life to the point where you make me feel like mine isn't right."
"The problem with you is every single thing that I do good in, you want to be able feel it's your success. Every single thing I fail in, you want to fix. You want control over all parts of my life."
"It's hard to believe for yourself when you feel like the people that should the most, don't. I don't understand how you could ever lose faith or trust in your own kids.."
"You have to earn trust and then that starts to happen. When you quit lying. Once you can gain back my trust, then maybe we wouldn't have any problems. Once you prove to me that you can put your life together.. then maybe you can have the things you want."
"I'm not going to go change all of my life and my problems so I can switch into a new bedroom. I'm not ever going to put my life into order for you. It's not as easy to just jump away from all of my habits, just for you, right once you tell me to. You never see my progress and think what you see is all I am. You never trust anyone. Even when things are good with us, I mess something up once and your trust is gone all over again. I don't want to fight for my own dad to love me or trust me or understand me. That's not how it works.. and if that's how it is for you, I don't want to try anymore."
Monday, December 7, 2009
Memories for better times
Tonight I called off work because david was in the hospital again. I had to show up and tell the front desk I'm his ride home so they could give him his shot. It's a shot that drugs him up so he'll be numb to the migraine for the night. They told me he shouldn't have even driven himself there. That his migraine is so bad that he can hardly even see straight.
My dad and Susan showed up to pick up his car for him, and alyssa came to give him a ride home. We were all silent in the waiting room. I looked over at my dad, he had his head down in silence. He said, "I'm so sick of coming here. I'm so sick of david not changing anything in his life to fix this." He crossed his arms and looked up and says, "I give up. I can't try anymore. I've tried long enough." We all stopped talking and looked over at the door each time it opened, thinking it was him. It wasn't. My dad says to Alyssa, "It really hurts me that he never answers my calls. He never will text me back. He never comes when I invite him to dinner. I've tried everything I can.." And I was shaking my head out of anger.. "There's nothing else I can do." My dad and I started to argue about what trying really is. I told him if he really cared, if he was really trying, he would never give up. I told him that caring isn't calling to say, "You need to quit all that crap and pull yourself together." That isn't going to make David want to change his life. My dad has never been able to understand us at our weakest points, and never trys to. He forces us out of it by making us feel even more weak. I don't think you can force change on somebody, but it's easier to pick yourself up when you know somebody believes you can. When somebody understands where you are at. Alyssa said to him that when David looks back on all of this when he's better, he needs to know that we were all there caring for him. He doesn't want to look back on all the people that gave up on him.
Dad goes, "Dustin, Susans son lives in China. He's in town for the month and I see him more than I see my own son that lives 15 minutes away. Dustins across the seas, and I feel jealous about their relationship because even that's something I don't have.. Sometimes I wish it made it easier to pretend that Dustin was my son."
The doors opened and David walked out into the waiting room pale white and taking his steps very slowly. He was shaking and wrapped in his brown coat he always wears that seems to be getting bigger and bigger on him. It's so hard looking at him. He was staring straight forward towards the ground with his dialated eyes. In the middle of my dad telling him about a doctor he found, in the middle of Alyssa telling him to call in sick to work, in the middle of susan talking about how much eating habits can change, he looked up at me and said, "Thank you for coming." And he tried to smile. As we all walked outside, my dad trailed behind david and said, "You should come to the house sometime and see everything that I've remodled since you've last been there." You could hear the desperatness in his voice. But David was too doped up to reply, and so my dad just kept walking behind him. Before they got in the car my dad tried giving david a hug but it ended up being him putting his arms around david and holding on tight while david gave him a small pat on the back.
I went to my car in the parking structure and I sat there for a minute shivering and waiting for the car to warm up, and I cried. I wish David wanted to help himself, and I wish my dad knew David loves him but doesn't know how to show it.
My dad and Susan showed up to pick up his car for him, and alyssa came to give him a ride home. We were all silent in the waiting room. I looked over at my dad, he had his head down in silence. He said, "I'm so sick of coming here. I'm so sick of david not changing anything in his life to fix this." He crossed his arms and looked up and says, "I give up. I can't try anymore. I've tried long enough." We all stopped talking and looked over at the door each time it opened, thinking it was him. It wasn't. My dad says to Alyssa, "It really hurts me that he never answers my calls. He never will text me back. He never comes when I invite him to dinner. I've tried everything I can.." And I was shaking my head out of anger.. "There's nothing else I can do." My dad and I started to argue about what trying really is. I told him if he really cared, if he was really trying, he would never give up. I told him that caring isn't calling to say, "You need to quit all that crap and pull yourself together." That isn't going to make David want to change his life. My dad has never been able to understand us at our weakest points, and never trys to. He forces us out of it by making us feel even more weak. I don't think you can force change on somebody, but it's easier to pick yourself up when you know somebody believes you can. When somebody understands where you are at. Alyssa said to him that when David looks back on all of this when he's better, he needs to know that we were all there caring for him. He doesn't want to look back on all the people that gave up on him.
Dad goes, "Dustin, Susans son lives in China. He's in town for the month and I see him more than I see my own son that lives 15 minutes away. Dustins across the seas, and I feel jealous about their relationship because even that's something I don't have.. Sometimes I wish it made it easier to pretend that Dustin was my son."
The doors opened and David walked out into the waiting room pale white and taking his steps very slowly. He was shaking and wrapped in his brown coat he always wears that seems to be getting bigger and bigger on him. It's so hard looking at him. He was staring straight forward towards the ground with his dialated eyes. In the middle of my dad telling him about a doctor he found, in the middle of Alyssa telling him to call in sick to work, in the middle of susan talking about how much eating habits can change, he looked up at me and said, "Thank you for coming." And he tried to smile. As we all walked outside, my dad trailed behind david and said, "You should come to the house sometime and see everything that I've remodled since you've last been there." You could hear the desperatness in his voice. But David was too doped up to reply, and so my dad just kept walking behind him. Before they got in the car my dad tried giving david a hug but it ended up being him putting his arms around david and holding on tight while david gave him a small pat on the back.
I went to my car in the parking structure and I sat there for a minute shivering and waiting for the car to warm up, and I cried. I wish David wanted to help himself, and I wish my dad knew David loves him but doesn't know how to show it.
Finding where you found me
Last night was the first night that I actually made myself go do something after work. I spent it with people that I usually don't, or people that I don't even like all that much. But it was nice because it was something new. For once. I grow addicted to nights like last night because it's all things that I know won't be predictable, like my life is now a days. It's all a bunch of conversations that normally wouldn't be said, and things that will be forgotten, a lot of, "Lets do something next weekend." A lot of swapping numbers and new contacts that you never really even end up texting.
At one point while at Adias I snuck away from everybody and went upstairs where no one was and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the counter and pulled out my phone. I wanted to call you.. And I didn't know why. But I knew you wouldn't want to hear what I was doing or why I didn't come over. I called Michele. We were laughing as I was quoting to her all the things people downstairs were saying to me, and telling her all the convestaions I had with people about her. After she hung up, I sat there for a little bit longer and thought about stopping by Stephanies. By suprise. Showing up to say hi. I had my fun. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be there. Then I remembered I had to give rides home. I remembered that I was drunk. So I went back downstairs and I stayed.. Went back downstairs and listened to Mariah tell me about the girl she wanted to fight, and talked to Paige about how she hates being the one who has to drive her drunk best friend around every weekend. Smoked with Adia outside, and kept drinking the drinks I was handed from people I don't even know. Going up to old friends and talking to them about why we stopped talking, posing in pictures and smiling really big, laughing so hard at Joey mopping the floor with the biggest mop I had ever seen, listening to Parkers stories, and watching Taylor and Joey tango.
It's nice to get out of my house and feel things that aren't so real. But it doesn't make me any less alone. It doesn't make anything easier the next day, because the next morning when I wake up with my head pounding and hungover, the first thing I think about is you after reading your message you had sent when I got off work asking me what I was doing. Somehow I make myself think that it was wrong of me to go out.
At one point while at Adias I snuck away from everybody and went upstairs where no one was and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the counter and pulled out my phone. I wanted to call you.. And I didn't know why. But I knew you wouldn't want to hear what I was doing or why I didn't come over. I called Michele. We were laughing as I was quoting to her all the things people downstairs were saying to me, and telling her all the convestaions I had with people about her. After she hung up, I sat there for a little bit longer and thought about stopping by Stephanies. By suprise. Showing up to say hi. I had my fun. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be there. Then I remembered I had to give rides home. I remembered that I was drunk. So I went back downstairs and I stayed.. Went back downstairs and listened to Mariah tell me about the girl she wanted to fight, and talked to Paige about how she hates being the one who has to drive her drunk best friend around every weekend. Smoked with Adia outside, and kept drinking the drinks I was handed from people I don't even know. Going up to old friends and talking to them about why we stopped talking, posing in pictures and smiling really big, laughing so hard at Joey mopping the floor with the biggest mop I had ever seen, listening to Parkers stories, and watching Taylor and Joey tango.
It's nice to get out of my house and feel things that aren't so real. But it doesn't make me any less alone. It doesn't make anything easier the next day, because the next morning when I wake up with my head pounding and hungover, the first thing I think about is you after reading your message you had sent when I got off work asking me what I was doing. Somehow I make myself think that it was wrong of me to go out.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Vulnerable
"Why didn't you sleep last night?"
"Over something stupd.."
"What?"
"Waiting for her to call."
"Why did you want her to call? What'd you have to say?"
"Nothing really I just wanted to talk."
"And did she end up calling?"
"No.. And then I was just angry.. Which is what kept me up"
"Where are you going after third?"
"I don't know, she's not answering so I guess home."
"Do you want to go some where else?"
"No, not really."
But most important..
"It takes away a lot of my energy."
"What does? Work?"
"No. Her. And the time I spend hanging how I feel onto what she ends up doing. If we make plans and she ends up doing something else she doesn't care enough to call or tell me. And then it's me just basing my day off of guessing what she'll do, or what I should do. Nothing is ever straight forward, because she makes it that way."
"Don't you realize what you were trying to do from the start?"
"I sort of forgot what or why."
"You told me that you were trying to love her without depending on her, or even being around her because you knew that was taking too much of you. What happened to that plan?"
"I gave in. Because I still care."
"You'd still be caring both ways.. Just with your original plan you weren't being so vulnerable.."
"So what do I do?"
"You wait. You can love her all you want but I know it hurts not feeling loved back. You wait until she's ready to love you by more than just saying it."
"Over something stupd.."
"What?"
"Waiting for her to call."
"Why did you want her to call? What'd you have to say?"
"Nothing really I just wanted to talk."
"And did she end up calling?"
"No.. And then I was just angry.. Which is what kept me up"
"Where are you going after third?"
"I don't know, she's not answering so I guess home."
"Do you want to go some where else?"
"No, not really."
But most important..
"It takes away a lot of my energy."
"What does? Work?"
"No. Her. And the time I spend hanging how I feel onto what she ends up doing. If we make plans and she ends up doing something else she doesn't care enough to call or tell me. And then it's me just basing my day off of guessing what she'll do, or what I should do. Nothing is ever straight forward, because she makes it that way."
"Don't you realize what you were trying to do from the start?"
"I sort of forgot what or why."
"You told me that you were trying to love her without depending on her, or even being around her because you knew that was taking too much of you. What happened to that plan?"
"I gave in. Because I still care."
"You'd still be caring both ways.. Just with your original plan you weren't being so vulnerable.."
"So what do I do?"
"You wait. You can love her all you want but I know it hurts not feeling loved back. You wait until she's ready to love you by more than just saying it."
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Breakeven
It's so selfish of me to ask you to pay attention to us when you need to pay attention to you more than anything else. I'm lying if I say I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore. Because at the end of the night, I still love you. When I don't want to be anywhere else, I still want to be with you. No matter how upset I get with the things you do, it doesn't make me hate you. There is a lot of hurt in our relationship, yeah. But there's so much more between all of that. I can't make myself stop wanting this. I can't tell myself to keep going and not look back, and actually do it. I can't push myself away from what I feel.
I don't know what will happen, if everything will happen all over again, or where we'll end up. But it doesn't matter right now.
Molli said to me, "No one can prepare themselves to fall in love, and you can't prepare yourself for what happens when you fall out."
It's the in between part we have to enjoy. Not where it ends up. Because it will end up the way it's meant to end up. And there is no reason to back away from something that you strongly believe and know you need.. I love you. And I'll be here for you as whatever you need me to be.. Whether we're together, or if I'm just there as your friend. I'll always listen, and I'll always help. And if we both decide that I do need to move on, it doesn't mean I have to walk away. That's not the only way to move on. And if we're ever apart, it doesn't mean we can't still love. I'll do whatever it takes for you to love yourself. Even if that means you not loving me anymore.
I don't know what will happen, if everything will happen all over again, or where we'll end up. But it doesn't matter right now.
Molli said to me, "No one can prepare themselves to fall in love, and you can't prepare yourself for what happens when you fall out."
It's the in between part we have to enjoy. Not where it ends up. Because it will end up the way it's meant to end up. And there is no reason to back away from something that you strongly believe and know you need.. I love you. And I'll be here for you as whatever you need me to be.. Whether we're together, or if I'm just there as your friend. I'll always listen, and I'll always help. And if we both decide that I do need to move on, it doesn't mean I have to walk away. That's not the only way to move on. And if we're ever apart, it doesn't mean we can't still love. I'll do whatever it takes for you to love yourself. Even if that means you not loving me anymore.
Add to the list of all the places we hate
Tonight is one of the reasons that I know that we are both ready to get out of this town. You need to escape this more than anything. And no, I don't want to leave to escape anything, but what thing that we do have that's mutual about our wants for leaving Eugene is because we both want to feel something new. I can't even remember the number of times I've sat on the phone with you while your mom is screaming in the background. You'll set down the phone and I just hear it continuing. She always comes in when we're in the middle of talking about something good. Which seems to be her pattern of doing things, coming into the middle of good things to ruin whatever she can. I hate her for the things she says to you so much. There have been so many times where I want to hang up on you just so I can call her and yell out the things I was holding in the whole time listening to you two fight.
This has always been a usual things for us, having to laugh off everything she's saying. Things that could hurt us so bad, but we chose to ignore. Her saying, "I'll call Michaels dad and tell him what your father's doing to me. He'll listen. I'll tell him what he did to Michael's mother."
That's one thing I hate her for so much. It's either, "I know what happened to Michaels mother." Or it's, "I know what Michaels mother did to them." and then she yells, "She left them." The worst thing anybody could ever say to me is something about my mom. You don't touch that. It's not your fault she says all of these things, and you don't have to feel guilty for it. Nothing she said tonight made sense what so ever. And I hope that those things, the ridiculous things she said tonight do not eat away at you. And I hope you know that nights like tonight, when you're in your room reading, and she's screaming and crying and throwing things downstairs, telling you about ending her life, you can always call me and I'll grab my car keys and be right out the door to pick you up in my car with the heater on and music playing, and a blanket for you in the front seat. To take you to dennys where we get hot chocolate and talk for a couple hours. You are always safe here, you're always safe with me.
This has always been a usual things for us, having to laugh off everything she's saying. Things that could hurt us so bad, but we chose to ignore. Her saying, "I'll call Michaels dad and tell him what your father's doing to me. He'll listen. I'll tell him what he did to Michael's mother."
That's one thing I hate her for so much. It's either, "I know what happened to Michaels mother." Or it's, "I know what Michaels mother did to them." and then she yells, "She left them." The worst thing anybody could ever say to me is something about my mom. You don't touch that. It's not your fault she says all of these things, and you don't have to feel guilty for it. Nothing she said tonight made sense what so ever. And I hope that those things, the ridiculous things she said tonight do not eat away at you. And I hope you know that nights like tonight, when you're in your room reading, and she's screaming and crying and throwing things downstairs, telling you about ending her life, you can always call me and I'll grab my car keys and be right out the door to pick you up in my car with the heater on and music playing, and a blanket for you in the front seat. To take you to dennys where we get hot chocolate and talk for a couple hours. You are always safe here, you're always safe with me.
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