Saturday, February 28, 2009

All of my advances were shut down in the end

I feel cursed.
And it's the curse of falling in with the wrong people, at the wrong time.

I've held back so many words. And I've shrugged off a lot. But right now, I'm just angry. I don't know how to react anymore. I hate that if I do react it creates some huge problem. If I do say something though, it can't get turned around on me. There is no way I could be involved in any of this. So I'm going to try.

I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut.
And more than that, I'm tired of watching you keep yours shut too.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tonight this road home feels a little longer

If I could do anything for anybody, if I could hand over a better life to anyone, it would be my brother. I would make my brother happy.

I don't think you understand how much we all worry.
I keep thinking about that night, and the things you said, and the text messages you sent. And I hope I never feel that feeling again. I can't even explain how scared I was. I was willing to stay out all night looking for you with Alyssa.

I don't think you realize how much fear was put into me after that night. The fear of losing you is unbearably painful to think about. And every time I hear something is wrong, that feeling comes back. And each time it feels worse. Sometimes I get so frustrated when I stop and look at what you do to us. Because at times, it's selfish. But other times I don't think you realize at all what you're doing. And I know you don't have control over it.

I just want to know what's going on.
Mom thinks you hate her. She calls daily, and she's been doing it for weeks. And she gets the voicemail each time. Apparently she couldn't hold back from crying on the last voicemail she left you. And when dad called, all you could say was "Things just aren't good" That doesn't tell me enough. I need to know that you're going to be okay. I know you and Alyssa aren't doing good, and I don't know what you'd do if you lost her.

I wish you didn't have this mental sickness.
I wish you didn't have to take all of those pills, every god damn day.
I wish you didn't hurt all the time.

And most of all, I really wish you'd accept our love.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Come to your senses

They say, watch out for him. He'll take you and make you into a concept.
A lesson taught, a story to tell, a memory to reminisce on.
A piece of absolute nothingness.

I really just want everyone to stay.

I'm just here to learn and to love.


I know it seems like I don't care. And I know I flake out all the time.
But I think it's just because I don't want to let you down.

I really really miss you. And every time I say something like, "Lets go to lunch this week" I actually do want to. But it never happens. Neither of us make it happen. The other day I was going through some of my old comments on myspace, and there were so many pages that were all you on there. I remember how excited I was to start being friends with you. I remember when I first added you on myspace, you had a song by Brand New. And then I remember stealing all of your music. And I remember finding the song "Reinventing Your Exit" because of you and always listening to it. And still every time I listen to anything by Placebo, you're the first thing that comes to mind.

I think about winter when I think about when we started being friends. I remember going downtown, chai tea, going to your house, texting all the time, and getting in trouble all the time for laughing at everything and everyone in science class and english class.

I liked it when I knew you before everyone else did.
Before they dragged you to all their parties.
And before they all complained to you whenever you'd hang out with me.
You used to always make fun of my friends and tell me how stupid they were. And you'd tell me how they're not good to me. I always doubted you, but you were right. Even though you never completely got to know me, I think you can predict me better than a lot of people. I think you always knew what was best for me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Japanese Gum

"And this is what she sang,

I just want every one I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself

And he said,

It's not like I am weak
Or that I don't know how to leave
It's just that every time you cheat
You bring me closer to defeat

Until there's nothing left to love
Until there's nothing left to say
I know that you need help
But even I can't save you from yourself"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

One Way Streets

You never really know how comfortable you are with a group of people until you're thrown into an uncomfortable, or difficult situation. And I love how true that proves to be every time it happens.

We've all developed this sort of bond. We know what to say when things get tense, we know how to put each other in better moods by saying something stupid. When we get in the car we unlock the door in the back that never unlocks on its own. We play the songs that we know we all like. We go places to eat that we all agree on. We give each other an extra dollar when we're craving something to drink and running low on money. When we're around other people I realize how much alike us three have grown to be, because we find the same things funny. We point out and make fun of the same things. We get used to our normal driving, and then we get into a car with reckless drivers and it's the funniest thing ever to watch your guys facial expressions when we drift corners. It's a nice feeling having you two with me when we're with people that we're not normally with. And even though these are all little things, it's what makes our friendship feel secure, no matter what, always.

I'm so happy to have you guys.
And tonight when my shitty car broke down, instead of complaining about how much the ford taurus sucks, you guys tried to help me get it working again, walked with me in the cold to the nearest gas station, and tried to push start the car (even though that only works on stick shift cars, which I recently found out) But that's what's so great about us. We pull through for each other in annoying situations like that. And not once did you guys make me feel guilty for taking about two hours out of the night trying to figure out what I'm going to do about the situation.

I don't know how to explain how much I appreciate that.
Thank you.

Happy 17th Avieta!

Monday, February 16, 2009


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Just about everytime we would be on the phone
everytime we would try to make each other tell what we wished, I'd make something up

But it really almost all of the time had something to do with you

Sometimes, I believe in stuff like that. But none of them came true.
I'm smart enough to take a hint now.
I'm smart enought to let it go.

Last night I came home around 3:00 and stayed awake until 4:30. And honestly I wish I didn't send that message right before I fell asleep. I wish I never said the words "I miss you" I wanted to keep it simple. I started typing a bunch of things, but once it was all typed out, I deleted it. Because "I miss you" seemed to sum it up.

The thing is the message was read, with no reply.

This is physically taking all of my energy.
I trust people to change when they say they can. And I think that's my problem. I trust too much. And I think to help myself, I really just need to forget about it.

"I Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.

I Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you."

And thats where I come in

The thing I like about being friends with you is that you never tried to impress us when you first met us. You didn't change anything about yourself, and it didn't take any time for you to be comfortable around us.

I liked that for once, tonight, I actually had conversations with you that helped me get to know you more as a person. I love this part of friendships the most. The beginning. It feels good to put my trust into people, because right now, I think they all know what to do with it.

I love my friends.

I think I'm finding the perfect balance. I'm letting other peoples happiness reflect in myself. And more than anything else, I just want to feel it all around me. And I'm glad to admit that respecting my dad, has made me feel so much better. Tonight he told me he appreciates me, and that was really nice to hear.

I'm feeling more secure than I have ever felt before, and I really mean that.
Maybe not so secure with some of the people around me, but for certian with myself. And just because you lose trust in one person, it doesn't mean you have to keep it away from everyone else that tries to get close to you. Because really, I think I'm smart with who I let in and with who I let go of. I think up to this point, if anything, I've gained more trust for people. Everyone seems so much more comforting than the person before. And I keep comparing, and thinking how lucky I am to have the ones that I have now. I think about the people that have destroyed my trust and think about the things they've done, and when I look at the people I have now, I know it's something that won't happen.

I just hope I make everyone as happy as they make me.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Cause you've run through me with the destructive force

This morning, right before I woke up I had a dream, actually more like a nightmare.
And it was really weird, and it felt really real. But the whole dream was terrible. And it actually seemed like something that would happen in reality.

And I would type out what happened in the dream, but I think I'll keep that to myself. The whole thing made a lot of sense when I put it together.

Even though it was just a dream, when I did wake up, I disliked you even more.
I think the whole thing was just telling me something.
And I think I finally unconsciously let myself think negatively towards you for once.

And I think I'm feeling a little bit better...

Friday, February 13, 2009


The thing that's going to be the most difficult about seeing you is not being able to be the way we've always been around each other. The fact that we have to modify our feelings and all. Holding back from the hugging, the holding hands, the kissing, and being able to hold you. And having to pretend that I'm okay with it.

As much as people tell me I shouldn't feel like this, I don't listen.
I am human after all. I can't program myself to be a certain way. I can't immediately forget about something just because I tell myself to. As much as it seems like I don't have feelings most of the time, I do.

I'm going to feel the way I feel and if these emotions end up going against me in the end, then it will be my own fault. But I'll be teaching myself about my strenghts once again. I can't watch other people feel a certain way, or watch people hurt, and learn from their experience.

I don't mind learning things the hard way. On my own.

I've never seen this side of me before.
Why is it that I don't care when people tell me I deserve better?
I've always made sure I'm happy with myself, and only let myself have the best.
I know that I probably do deserve better sometimes, but sometimes I don't.
Sometimes it just seems like the situation is a lot worse than it really is. When things are good with us, they're really good. And I guess that's enough for me. I guess that makes up for any flaws in this relationship.
It's what keeps me so attached. Just waiting for the better to come around again.
This is my weakness. But it feels right. A weakness that I can't ignore. And if anything, it takes over me more and more every time I try to push it away. I am happy right now. Despite what everybody else thinks, I am. Despite whatever I've said, I'm okay. And I will get over things when I want to get over them. And I'll feel what I feel.

And I don't care what's right and what's wrong.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Your pride, or some personal war

This time, I'm not going to let him talk me into staying. As of tomorrow, I'm taking my stuff, and going straight to Davids. I don't know how long I'm going to be there, but just being away from him will be good. I'm not going to call. I'm not going to come by the house. I'm going to make him think back on everything he said to me tonight, and I hope he feels guilty.

He went way too far this time.

All of a sudden, him wanting to send me to Idaho doesn't really sound like a punishment anymore. And for once, I'm actually forgetting about whatever I have going here and considering leaving. I want him to be as angry as I am. Right now my outlook on everything just sucks.

I'm so tired of everything.
I am extremely unhappy right now.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

It's wishful thinking and selective attention

I think I've convinced myself that there's going to be another chance. Another round. I start to think, maybe when we see each other again, the feelings will come back. Because I've had that happen so many times before. Feelings can jump up and down all the time. From previous experiences, I know that happens. But I can't keep thinking like this. Because it's not going to happen. In order for that to happen, the other person has to have a little bit of feelings left. It is possible to lose all of them completely and I wish I could accept that. I need to remember what I was told. Agreeing to be friends still has helped me, a lot. Because now that all the anger is gone, all there is left is disappointment and desires. But those are things that I should be able to let go of eventually.

I keep looking at certain things and wondering if they mean anything. Talking isn't the same. I always hold back from saying everything that I want to say and it just doesn't feel right. I don't like feeling like I'm faking it. Or like I'm forced to fake it. That sounds bad, because of course I still want to be friends. But I don't want to act like I accept the fact that friends is all we're going to be.

There's a little part of my mind that doesn't want me to forget about it and let go, because what if I want it back? It's almost as if I'm convincing myself that I should hold on to these feelings in case there is another chance. It's almost as if I need to hear straight forward, that it's done and over. I guess this isn't enough closure for me. I'm scared for the closure.

I need some of that terrible, brutal honesty.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A little over my head

I'm starting to realize that things that once happened, don't really matter.
It doesn't really matter how you used to be, what you used to do, or what you've done before.

I cannot rely on my past to define the person I am now.
I cannot depend on my previous strengths to make up for my current weaknesses.

This is a bit of a feeling of freedom. Whenever anything like this happens I usually think about how my former self would handle it. But I'm always changing. And finding new ways to cope with things. When things like this happen, I find strengths inside of me that I never knew I had. People are always talking about freedom. Freedom to live a certain way, without being kicked around. Of course the more you live a certain way, the less it feel like freedom. Me, I can change during the course of a day. I wake and I'm one person, when I go to sleep I know for certain I'm somebody else. I don't know who I am most of the time, but right now I'm feeling pretty proud of the way I am. I love how much trust I can put in myself. And that sounds stupid because most people would think, "Can't everybody trust themselves?" Because you know yourself the best, right? But that's not even true. After meeting you I learned how there are people that can't even trust their own emotions. They can hardly predict what they're going to do next, how they're going to feel next.

I have a greater understanding for myself, and the reason I do certain things, and that feels good. I have a greater understanding for other people. I can forshadow things that I need to be aware of, and now, it seems like I know what to do with it. I'm really happy that I don't have to look at past mistakes to help me. It's really nice being able to keep looking forward.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I've tried, I tried, I tried, and I’m trying

I keep wanting to type things about her out of anger, or agree and laugh with people whenever they say anything, but I really can't. Even if the whole situation is fucked up, I'm not going to pretend that I'm over it, or over her. I've never really had someone mess around with my head like this. She threw me out, brought me back, and then threw me out again.

I don't like talking about this in second person so let me just say this straight forward.

I'm glad you feel free now. I'm not really sure what you mean by that because I don't know what I was holding you back from. Flirting with other guys? Probably. But you did that anyways, even when you had me. I guess you never have enough. No one is ever enough for you. The fact that you couldn't even talk to me after you broke up with me makes me so upset. I don't know if I meant it or not when I said I don't want to talk to you anymore, at all, after this. Because I don't want to think about you right now, but at the same time it feels like I'm waiting for a phone call, or an IM, or something just saying hi. I keep thinking about the first couple nights that we had together when we started going out and how amazing it would of been to have even more times like those later on, this summer.

But I'm smart enough to know that you shouldn't stick around with people that are this damaged. I feel sorry for you actually. I can't imagine what it would be like living the way you live. Doesn't sound very "free" to me.

At this point, I actually hope things go terribly for you.
This is said out of anger. But right now, that's how I feel.

You're heartless. And I never saw you like that before, otherwise why would I of gone out with you? I saw you as such an amazing person, and really never thought I'd find someone like this. But then last night you completely proved that what I thought, was wrong. Why the hell do I still have feelings for you? Why do I still have thoughts about wanting you back? I don't want to have any feelings for you.

I can't believe you did this right before your dad was about to leave. Right once I would be able to see you like normal relationships should be able to do. I don't think you'll find any other guy that waited around as long as I did, and I hope you realize that. I was willing to wait until summer if that's what it was going to take. But the way things are for you, the way you can never do anything, nobody else will deal with that. I guarantee it.

One thing I know is I meant everything I said, and I know that it's going to take a while to get over you. But one thing I'm almost 100% sure of is you can't say the same. You don't lose feelings with in one day if you really love somebody as much as you said you did. But now that you made it official and said it in the worst way you could say it, "Oh trust me, I won't change my mind this time, don't worry" I'm ready to forget about you and whatever we had. Disregarding you, my life is perfect right now. I hope you're happy.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Pace Yourself

This has happened so many times that it's just getting too ridiculous to take it to heart or to take seriously. I really hope you don't think that this highly impacts me. I have a higher tolerance for people walking in and out of my life now. It's bound to happen at some point and I don't let it get to my head as much as it used to. It's okay that we're not friends anymore. And that's probably a good thing because who wants unneeded tension? You could sum up our friendship in a brief paragraph. It really wasn't much, was it?

It really is true that I learn a little bit from every one that I've ever known. I think for you I can say that you taught me how to hold back and realize that it's good to pick and chose your battles. You would always make stupid little remarks towards everything I would say and would make me feel stupid all the time. What bothered me the most is how much you thought you knew me. Even if you were joking when you'd say I'm so predictable, it bothered me more than anything else. I learned from our friendship that how people treat you is their karma, and how you react is yours. You had no reason to act the way you did and I'm glad I'm backing off now before I just stoop down to your level. I hope soon you can stop trying to test me and stop trying to get reactions out of me...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Accidental Uncontrollable

It's weird because before the present, I was never a jealous a person. But now everyone seems like they could be a possible threat and it's annoying how much I have to worry about it. But I mean, friends just don't say that kind of stuff to each other, you know? Or maybe it's just normal and I'm just not realizing it. I've always been told I worry too much, from everybody. And then I try to just shrug it off and ignore it, but I fail at doing that.

I think it's safe to say that I'm overreacting when I get pissed off from smiley faces, or hearts, or tacky pick up lines.

I just don't like the idea of not being enough for you.

Monday, February 2, 2009


I know this month will be a really good month.
I loved that my dad was out of town all weekend because I could do whatever I wanted. Having a car has given me so much freedom. Much more than I ever expected.

I was hardly at home at all this whole 4 day weekend. I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as I can while I still have one. I say that because my dad's going to be taking away everything, once again, once grades come out.

But as of now I'm not worried about that.
I just love everything and everybody in my life and I think a lot is starting to change for the better. I love the feeling of new developed friendships and new friend groups. Especially the ones that you just have a good feeling about.