It's wishful thinking and selective attention

I think I've convinced myself that there's going to be another chance. Another round. I start to think, maybe when we see each other again, the feelings will come back. Because I've had that happen so many times before. Feelings can jump up and down all the time. From previous experiences, I know that happens. But I can't keep thinking like this. Because it's not going to happen. In order for that to happen, the other person has to have a little bit of feelings left. It is possible to lose all of them completely and I wish I could accept that. I need to remember what I was told. Agreeing to be friends still has helped me, a lot. Because now that all the anger is gone, all there is left is disappointment and desires. But those are things that I should be able to let go of eventually.

I keep looking at certain things and wondering if they mean anything. Talking isn't the same. I always hold back from saying everything that I want to say and it just doesn't feel right. I don't like feeling like I'm faking it. Or like I'm forced to fake it. That sounds bad, because of course I still want to be friends. But I don't want to act like I accept the fact that friends is all we're going to be.

There's a little part of my mind that doesn't want me to forget about it and let go, because what if I want it back? It's almost as if I'm convincing myself that I should hold on to these feelings in case there is another chance. It's almost as if I need to hear straight forward, that it's done and over. I guess this isn't enough closure for me. I'm scared for the closure.

I need some of that terrible, brutal honesty.