Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Two thousand and nine

I don't think anybody understands how excited I was for tonight, or understand how pissed off I am right now. Right now, I could be at one of the parties. Right now I could be at the rave with Bryant and EP. Right now I could be with Stephanie for the last time this break before she leaves for Portland. And right now I could be starting off the new year, having fun.

But my rides don't have their cars.
And parents aren't letting them go out.
And sneaking out isn't possible with out a ride.
And things would be so much easier if I had my car.
I went downtown and bought new clothes for tonight. And my dad took me to the bank so I had money for tonight. And in a couple hours I'm gonna be getting texts messages asking where I am, or what I'm doing. And in the next couple days I'll see all the pictures of everyone else having fun.

But when 12:00 comes around, I'm here by myself.
So I guess my resolution for 2009 is to relive all of the nights that I've been stuck at home because of how far away from the city I am. My goal for 2009 is to never have these quiet nights. I'm not a homebody. I never have been.

Not even my dad's awake. The house is dead silent and I hear fireworks outside. I'm going to make sure I never feel this low again while everyone else is out having the time of their lives.

This is embarrassing.

Happy new years.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I understand completely how I could be bothering people right now.
And I'm sorry, I guess.

I am completely fallen for her. And I am so happy.
I guess it's understandable that you were mad that I left with her to go see a movie when I had already made plans with you, and we haven't hung out all break. And then you left. And then you came back, and I started talking on the phone with her. And I know that's a little ridiculous. And I guess it's understandable. But also realize I put up with it too. I walk in on you and him making out. I put up with hanging out with him when I really don't care to hang out with him. And realize you are one of my best friends and if anything, you should be happy for me. And I'm pretty sure, at one point, you were like this too.

But to switch to another person, thanks Bryant.
You never got frustrated with me and EP for talking to our girlfriends all night and constantly asking you if we could sneak out to get them. And you didn't get mad when we left for the movies. You never really get mad at me when you have reasons to most of the time. Last night was fun. A lot of fun.

I have really good friends.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

All the commotion, has people talking, talking

I had a goodnight.
And I'm really excited for tomorrow.
And tomorrow night.

And I love you stephanie.

Tonight I saw Yes Man. It was good. I liked it.

I'm stressed out right now.
And see, this is what worries me.
I'm so annoying. I've been sending multiple texts, and since I haven't gotten a reply in an hour, I'm worried somethings wrong. Or I'm worried I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to be so clingy. But in reality, I am really clingy. And I worry too much.

I'm glad I got out of my house today. But when I get out, I really just need to stay out, because this is how I get when I get home. I start to complain. And I really hate complainers. Why am I being such a downer lately? Someone please answer that for me.

Well no more. I have everything. I have so many reasons to be happy.
One excellent thing is happening after another.
And I love it.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Get me out of here

I'm so sick of being in this house.
I'm mad that Stephanies going to Portland for the rest of break.
I never like the day after christmas. When everything goes back to normal.
I'm annoyed that Avieta never replied to my text about me going over.
I've been wanting to hang out with Bryant but never have a ride.
And I want Cammisha to come back from California so I can talk with her.

I hate ever being alone. Because that's when I start to think. And when I start to think, I think a lot. About everything. I'm really getting tired of winter and being stuck at home. Today I'm looking through the pictures on my old computer, and listening to my old playlists on iTunes, which something I really shouldn't do. Up to now, I have been fine with the fact that Caitlin, Ramsey, Chelsea and I aren't friends anymore, or at least I convinced myself that I was fine with it. But when I listen to these songs that I've been trying not to listen to for a while now, I go right back to square one. I go right back to complaining about what I screwed up. Or what was messed up on its own. Or whatever. I guess once things are done, they really are supposed to be done. That's why it happened. That's why it ended.

But I think about that day at Alten Baker Park when we all went down by the river and put our feet in the water, and stayed there for a long time and talked. And then I remember the time when we were all running around Gilham Elementry with Caitlins family playing night time hide and seek. I miss the summer. The heat. The good times. And mostly, them.

Just because I know how to keep moving on, doesn't mean I know how to forget. And yeah, I repeat myself on here a lot, but I guess that's because that's what my life is. A bunch of repetition. History repeating itself over and over.

And it's getting old.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Don't think, Just figure it out

Let me just say that this song is genius:

Merry Christmas

After all, everything is fine.
In the end, I'm okay.
And ultimately, Family is what keeps me alive.

This Christmas was different than most of them. For once it didn't feel like the typical routine we usually do on Christmas. I love the way we've always done it, but changing it up and adding some new things was nice.

I like having my step brother Dustin being at the house. Just because I like the feeling of having other siblings in the house once again. Jared's okay. He complains, and yells, and demands a lot of things from Susan.. But when you actually talk with him, and spend time with him when he's calm, he's just alright. I loved hanging out with them and Susan. For once it wasn't awkward. For once I actually felt like they were my family, instead of two people just living in my house. I loved how Susan would try to relate to our jokes she didn't understand.

I love how funny things were this Christmas.
My dad's hilarious when he doesn't even try to be. I couldn't stop laughing at the fact that he was tracking Santa online. And while we were all sitting in the living room you'd hear him yell things out like, "He's in Japan right now!"

At one point when we were all in the basement, he came downstairs and really wanted to play Christmas music, so he turns on the CD shuffler. He picked CD slot 3, and apparently there was already a CD in slot 3. He pressed play and heavy metal music started blasting on the surround sound. And he had such a confused look on his face. And he didn't know how to turn it off.

"This is the music the Fitzgerald's play while opening presents"

We have all these stories, and these grudges, and these hauntings hidden inside of every single member of our family. And we aren't anything close to functional. But right now, none of it matters. Right now, I love all of them more than anyone else in my life. Right now I'm laying in my room on my bed with my brand new laptop, and I hear Matthew and David laughing downstairs while watching the Family Guy DVDs we got, and Susan and Dad doing the dishes in the kitchen, and the house is so clean and smells like cookies. And I'm thinking it doesn't get much better than this. This is the life. This is really all I need.

I wish I never said my dad doesn't do enough for me.
And I wish my mom had us there so Christmas wasn't so lonely.
Let me just say this for the record, that I really do love my dad, and everyone in my family. No matter what I say in the future, no matter what I've said in the past.

Family Comes First.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I feel more like a stranger each time I come home

I really just need to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset.
I don't think I've ever hurt my dad as much as I did tonight.

"At least your brothers try and communicate with me, and try to get along with me"
"Dad, David never talks to you. And Matthew only comes around when he wants food, or money"

It's fucked up. But it's true. And after I said that it was silent.
Maybe everything you said before you dropped me off was true. Everything every ones saying about me, I'm starting to believe. Maybe I only do care about myself. Yeah, maybe I do try to live a life that I can't have. Maybe in the end, I really just don't give a damn about anyone around me. But before you said any of that, I never thought that. I love everyone. I really do. But I guess I don't show it. I love my dad. But for the last four years of my life I've enjoyed hurting his feelings. And that itself makes me feel like I'm not real. Once again, I question if I even have real feelings. I think.. Wow. What have I become? I think, wow.. I'm a sick person. But when I'm around nobody, I think so differently. I think, "I love everyone. I love myself." So why can't I show it? Why do I have to be so terrible?

It just got worse when he picked me back up again from Avietas house. He wouldn't even look at me. He told me to take back whatever presents I got for him. He kept hinting at the fact that he hates me.

"I hate what you've become"
"I do too"
"I hate being around you. You're a terrible person. You only care about yourself."
"Just say it dad. You hate me?"
"I do. I hate you."

He told me he wants me in Idaho with my mom.
And he told me to not call him dad anymore.
Just hearing those two things makes me hate myself. And makes me more depressed than ever.

I always think back on this one day with my dad. I remember it so clearly. It was at my old house, and we were in the hotub, and he was asking about my new friend Erin. I was in 6th grade. I told him Erin doesn't have many friends, and most people make fun of me for hanging out with her. And he goes, "But you still do hang out with her.. That's great.." At that time I didn't really think anything of it. And then he goes, "You're a great person, Michael. You really are." I remembered that from then on. I kept that thought in the back of my head. And I hope I never forget it. Because it's nice to think for one part of my life, at one time, my dad actually loved me.

That car ride changed so much for me.
I couldn't control my shaking as he yelled at me.
As his driving became more aggressive.
As the radio played, "It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Not anymore.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Make a name off me

I went around town with my brother today. While we were coming past dairy queen he told me to look at the car next to us, and there was your friends, flipping me off. I couldn't do anything but laugh. But it really did piss me off. It made me feel sick. Their car stayed caught up with us for a while, but he told me to keep looking forward. He told me to not even look out the corner of my eye. Told me to not let it get to my head, and not let it phase me.

No cars in front of us go fast enough. We started to speed up, turned up the music, and laughed it off. And just like that, I was already over it.

I'm still feeling pretty unstoppable.
Keep trying.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Let me just give you one huge thank you.

Everyone always says the only time you're truely your "real self" is when you're by yourself. That's not true. The time I'm actually myself is when I hang out with you. And you're the reason I've never lost that part of me.

Thank you.
There's been a lot of days where I've had a lot of plans, and canceled them to hang out with you just because with you it's always guaranteed to be fun. We don't even have to anything to stay entertained and I love that. I love how we create so many traditions with out even trying.

Thank you for coming over and playing mancala with me and talking. Thank you for all the amazing music you've introduced me to. Thank you for helping me face so many things, like how I feel about my mom moving. Thank you for never complaining about how many pictures I take. For dealing with my music that you hate. For reading every single post that I write on here, and telling me to post when I haven't for a while. For coming on all of our family trips. For staying my friend since preschool. For telling me your honest opinions about my friends that you don't like. For making fun of me when I deserve to be made fun of. For making things awkward, to make things funny. For embarrasing yourself to humor me. For loving all the movies I love. For making me feel at home, wherever we go. For sticking with me through my arregant, selfish, and stubborn ways. For explaining things for me when you know I'm too lazy to explain them. For our walks downtown in the winter. For replying to my thousands of random text messages. For rebelling with me, and letting me rebel. And for watching me go through a million different phases and staying caught up with me.

You've changed my life completely, And I realize it more and more everyday.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

After some time, It's something I find true

I know it's a bit of an intense comparison but love is like a drug. And when it's taken away from you it's hard as hell. I love you so much. I've watched love make people happier than ever, I've seen people give up everything they have for it, and then I watched love destroy them. It really can. It becomes everything, and it takes over you. It consumes you.

I guess that's why I'm so scared.
Because you make me so happy, and if I did lose you, I'd lose a lot of myself.

I get a terrible anxious feeling when I don't talk to you a lot during the day and when I haven't seen you in a while. And I can't imagine completely having to let go of you. I don't know why I'm thinking like this. I shouldn't be.

I'm tired of people saying that I don't really love you.
And people saying I'm not reading my feelings correctly. That what I'm feeling isn't real.

Up to now, I was single for about 2 years. And over those two years I watched my friends in relationships and didn't understand. I didn't understand how people could have such a strong dependence on another human being. I also didn't understand why I didn't accept love. With you, I do. I understand it all. I was waiting for someone right for me, someone that could make me feel real. Someone to prove to me that I actually do have real feelings. You've done that.

I guess you can't really enjoy love if you constantly fear you're going to lose it. So I won't. Or at least, I'll try my hardest not to. Right now I have you, and you have me, and that's all that matters.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I miss our family road trips

A lot

I found these pictures. The ones of Mattew, David, and my Dad jumping into crater lake. We used to have so much fun together. We knew how to find adventure together, as a family. We didn't need anyone else.

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And I just wanna go back

Friday, December 12, 2008

What's going on?

Yesterday I almost had my dad come pick me up in the middle of hanging out with everybody. Not because I had a reason to come home, but because I just didn't want to be out. I texted him and said, "Can you come get me?" I was too cold to walk around town. But that's not a good excuse. Until I get my car in January, I really don't like walking around town when it's so cold out. Luckily, my dad texted back and said, "No not right now"

I say "luckily" because it actually ended up being a really good day.
What would I of done at home? Nothing. And now, I'm doing it all over again. About 4 people have asked me to hang out today and I'm sort of wanting to stay home. I guess I just don't like not having a plan for the day.

Oh well..
Going out..

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I'm tired.
I'm uninspired.

I'm doing terrible in school again.

I'm really trying to care, or even pretend that I care. But I don't.
It's like I can't even get it through to myself.
I can't even make myself try harder.

My teachers, my family, everyone is telling me I can do better. And yeah, I can. I'm cappible of getting straight A's if I wanted to. It's really not hard for me. I just.. don't apply myself?

Will I ever stop?
Or should I say.. will I ever start?

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Monday, December 8, 2008

I have everything

I don't like my last post.
I take it all back. The negative side of me that worries too much is annoying.

Being able to call you mine is the greatest feeling ever. Saturday night was perfect. You make me so happy. Nothing matters at all when I'm with you. My dad could of easily found out that I snuck you into the house that night, but if he would of, I really wouldn't of cared. I'm so happy that nobody can bring me down, no matter how hard they try. I loved just laying there with you until 4:00 in the morning. Waking you up and telling you that you needed to get home.. hardest thing ever! I really could of just stayed there for hours. I'm so comfortable with you. You're different than any other girl I've liked. Everything about you is perfect.

I can't even put it into words.

I love you Steph.

Friday, December 5, 2008

All the playful misspellings

So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is.. But we can't talk about it now."
No we can't talk about it now.

I hate the fact that I'm starting to tell myself "Don't expect a call"
Because I'm getting use to you not being able to call.
And telling myself "Don't expect to see her this weekend"
Since you usually can't leave your house..

I know it's not your fault.

All I can say, is you've made me into the most patient person I've ever been.
But at the same time you've taught me waiting for things is hard as hell.

All of a sudden, I'm starting to wonder what we have.

Please Please Please

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come on.. really?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I'd like to say I'm sorry

I don't pay enough attention to the good things what I've got them

Tonight I went and looked through a lot of my old messages in my inbox on MySpace. There was so many messages on there from people that I don't talk to anymore. A lot of conversations I don't even remember having.

I noticed there would be a couple pages of the same few people. They would message me a lot, and reply to bulletins, and I could tell by my replies that I didn't really care to keep the conversation going with them. And then on the next page, there they were again. Messaging me again. A lot of them were people that I would really like to talk to today. People I would like to converse with again. And it's funny because now, they don't even pay attention to me. At least, I don't think they do.

And then there would be messages from people who were more than just acquaintances that would reply on MySpace.. But people that actually really cared about me. Some would be messages out of no where just telling me that they loved me, or telling me how much they missed me, and my replies were so.. casual. They would ask to hang out, and I would say, "Yeah! We will soon!" But a couple pages later, "We never hung out!"

It's really true..

It's ironic... We ignore those who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.
We hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us.